Mastering Communication: Strategies to Avoid Conflict and Foster Connection | Taiwanica Podcast

Are your conversations steering you toward conflict instead of connection? Discover how small tweaks in your communication habits can lead to healthier, more productive interactions. In this episode of the Taiwanica Podcast, Eric unpacks key strategies to enhance your communication skills, starting with the pivotal role of clear conversational goals. Learn to recognize and manage emotional triggers that often derail discussions, keeping your interactions focused and positive.

He also tackles the insidious habit of blaming and its destructive impact on relationships. Eric dives into practical techniques like cognitive restructuring and expressing genuine concern to replace blame with understanding. We can foster more open and honest dialogues by shifting our focus from accusation to empathy. Tune in for actionable advice and transformative insights that promise to make your conversations not only more effective but also more meaningful.

Chapters

• 0:00 Improving Communication Skills
• 11:22 Avoiding Blame and Improving Listening

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is episode 87, talking about three common mistakes during communication and how to fix them. Welcome back everybody. This is Eric, one of your hosts here at Taiwanica Podcast, proud to be back to give you some great new information that we have collected and want to share. The last few episodes, you've had the pleasure of listening to the darling Anita, but today you get to listen to, I guess, my wonderful voice, so hopefully you're excited to listen and strap yourself in for another very informative episode. Today, we're going to be talking about the things that usually happen when communication goes wrong, and the things that we're going to be looking at are not necessarily things that are bad. It's more about how do we recognize that they're happening and having a simple awareness that, when they are happening, we're not being judgmental towards ourselves. Instead, we are capable of choosing a different option instead of continuing the habit that we are creating when we do these things or when the other person is doing it inside of the conversation. Now, before we dive into anything, I want to make sure that we have something very clear about what communication is. Let's look at the word Communication. If you look at the word, it really means two people talking together. Okay, it's not one person talking to another person or one person simply listening to another person talking. No, communication is about open conversation together about any topic that is involved. So, when we are looking at today's mistakes, we're going to notice that a lot of them are related to the things I just mentioned Usually one person trying to overpower the other during a conversation. Okay, well, the good news is is that all of us have had these experiences. Why is this a good thing? That means you're not alone, and you shouldn't feel guilty or feel shameful that you've done this before, because, more than likely, you are also a person who's experienced this, either doing it or having someone do it to you. Now we're going to dive into each of them, and while I teach you which each one, we're going to also look at some techniques afterwards about how we can resolve these in such a way that it's going to be informative and healthy for your relationship, so you can not only stop this habit and also change it into a new, better one.

Speaker 1: 2:59

Okay, so we're going to start with number one. So we're going to start with number one. Number one is going to be the one that I think is the strangest, that you probably wouldn't think of, and we'll go on to more obvious ones afterwards. So the first one is looking at a conversation and communicating about things without clear goals and communicating about things without clear goals, without clear goals. So sometimes when you're bored or when you're don't have anything to do but you're hanging out with somebody or you're with your spouse or your boyfriend, girlfriend or maybe even your best friend, you kind of just want to have a talk. But when you're just talking about nothing, this can be healthy and it can build your relationship. But if you're in a mood or an emotional state that's not necessarily good, then some negativities are bound to happen. It's just something that's natural. If you're not feeling good, you're going to start talking about not good things. It seems to be that order.

Speaker 1: 4:11

So the goal that we want to achieve here is to simply understand. Well, when I have a conversation with somebody, what is the intention? Am I talking to this person because I want them to help me with something? Am I talking to this person because I have some news I want to share with them? You know, having a clear idea of what you want to say before you even enter the conversation with somebody really helps keep the conversation and communication healthy and positive. So by simply understanding, before you enter the conversation, why am I talking to this person. So, in other words, start with your why. Then this will be able to help you connect with them smoother, without any of these abrupt emotions getting in the way. And you know, emotions are fine During a conversation, no matter what you're going to feel emotions.

Speaker 1: 5:10

We're human, we feel emotions. It's just part of the experience. But sometimes people will get emotional. In other words, their whole entire system is being run by a certain emotion, let it be, for example, anger, fear, sadness, one of these or any other. And when this happens, instead of actually focusing on achieving the goal of the conversation, it kind of gets steered off in the wrong direction because of that emotion being felt. So if we give anger as an example, you're at first in the conversation feeling fine, but all of a sudden you're feeling angry and then you get in a fight.

Speaker 1: 5:59

So this is just an easy way to really notice that if we're in this kind of rhythm of knowing where we want to go, having the goal in sight the entire time, then chances are we will not be overrun by this trigger, which is actually one of the next big things that we're going to talk about is how to recognize your triggers. About is how to recognize your triggers, and so this is the antidote, or the clearing and healing that we want to focus on here, for going with goals inside of a conversation. So, when you have a clear goal but you're still feeling a trigger pop up, so let's say, for example, a trigger pop up. So let's say, for example, I'm talking to Anita about our plans for the weekend and she wants to go see a movie, for example, and she says a word about the movie that triggers me to feel angry, such as oh, I don't want to see white people in a movie. Okay, so hearing the word white people because you know I identify as a white person that might trigger me to feel anger. Okay, so the response that could possibly happen in that situation would be I start to you know, would be I start to you know respond in a reaction of anger to her. Instead of talking about the movie, I start saying why would you say something like that? That's a horrible thing to say.

Speaker 1: 7:35

You know, going down this conversation that's unrelated to the movie itself, of course, talking about this conversation of like why did she say white people and all of these things is a very important thing to talk about. But there's a right time and a right place to have certain conversations and to do it in the middle of a conversation that you're already having, such as, you know, the movie that you're talking about, and the goal here is to find out what movie you want to watch together. Talking about this issue that popped up is when it comes up will automatically put you in an emotional state. So, to avoid putting yourself in that kind of situation, simply noticing in your body oh, I am aware that I'm feeling this anger inside me when Anita said the words white people what did I just do here? I simply acknowledged or stated to myself in my mind the things that were happening. Okay, I'll say it again to make it extra clear oh, I am noticing that I'm feeling angry when Anita says white people.

Speaker 1: 9:01

So when you do this kind of reconciliation and acknowledgement, what will happen is you're actually telling the body that you are aware why you're feeling that emotion, body, that you are aware why you're feeling that emotion. And by telling the body, hey, I see you, I notice what you're saying, I get you it will automatically start to calm down, because the most emotions, what they want is simply to be acknowledged or felt. So we have this power of being able to focus on the emotion and when we do that by you know, with our thoughts, or actually you know feeling the feelings it will help the body to calm down, and then, when you're feeling calm and you're able to continue the conversation, that's happening. Our example here is the movie. You can complete the goal. Okay, we're going to go see this action movie on saturday at 6 pm.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Okay, when the conversation's over and you're feeling calm, you can bring up the other thing that happened. Hey, anita, when we were talking about the movie, you said something about white people and I want you to know. That made me feel angry and I want to talk to you about it more. Notice here that my approach to the conversation is not in an angry state. Instead, I'm very calm and relaxed, and this is what we want to achieve in all conversations, because if we have an emotionally triggered conversation, the chances of it being a successful and healthy one are very low. On the other hand, if you're feeling very you know calm and relaxed, then the chances are that you're able to focus on this conversation objectively instead of subjectively, are much higher. So this is one of the great things that you can do about having clear goals with your conversation and also avoiding things like triggers. Okay, so that was number one. We're going to go into number two, and this one is more obvious, but not as obvious as number three, so definitely stay tuned until the end.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Number two is talking about blaming. Okay, pointing fingers at people or scolding people or, you know, creating separation because someone is not acting based on your expectations. So let's make a clear example here so that we understand why is blaming a really big mistake in communication? So, like we said at the very beginning, communication is a two-way. Okay, we are doing something with someone. We're not doing this to someone or at someone, and this thing that we're talking about is communication talking. So if we're having this conversation, and I am trying to make sure that I'm not going to blame this person, I have to make sure I'm not saying things like oh, why are you saying that? Or oh, you know you shouldn't be saying this thing, that's not okay. Or oh, here we go again. You're going to say that thing. Oh, oh, I know, I knew you were going to say that you always say that in this kind of conversation. Or why aren't you talking? You know, why are you being so quiet? All of these reactions are blaming.

Speaker 1: 13:02

You know this expectation that the person that should act in a certain way to achieve the goal is in your mind your thought about trying to control another person and how they should act in front of you. So in other words, you're trying to not only be the controller of your own thoughts, but you want to put yourself into somebody's brain and take control of their system and have them talk in a way that makes you happy. So that's kind of insane, don't you think it's a little bit crazy to think that we would do that? And of course we're not consciously doing this. But in the end blaming is kind of that goal. We're trying to have them act in a way that satisfies our needs. So if we're trying to control them and not let them be who they truly are, then we are, in other words, trying to be the ruler of this conversation. So we want to try to avoid blame.

Speaker 1: 13:55

Blame has no power except for sabotage or destruction, and that can be very powerful if you want to ruin a relationship. But of course, here. Healthy communication is the goal of this podcast, not destroying relationships. So, when we look at this closely, what are we going to do instead to help us, try to help improve the relationship with not blaming? Well, one thing that we can do is do what's called cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring is simply saying, oh, we want to look at the challenge that we are having right now in our conversation.

Speaker 1: 14:38

That could be person A is being very open in their communication, but, on the other hand, person B is very closed off. They're not communicating at all, and this can cause the challenge of actually moving forward with trying to create a solution. Maybe person B is just naturally more closed. They don't like to share their feelings or try to express themselves, for whatever reason. Maybe that's how they grew up or in their relationship that they're in. They feel hurt or they feel like if they do express themselves, they're not going to be understood. There are going to be a lot of reasons why the person's this way, but to use them as an example today, what we like to say is, if we could have person B be aware that this is happening, that if they're getting stuck in this pattern, we want to help them understand that we're not going to blame them for who they are. Instead, we ask them what's going on, and it might not be a part of the actual conversation that you're having at that moment. So this is the key word here concern. Then you will open the door to have them start doing this cognitive restructuring. So let's make a very clear example. I have a client and for privacy purposes I won't say their real name, so I'm going to say Mary.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Mary is in a relationship with her boyfriend and she has been struggling recently, and it's because her boyfriend has been very closed off and not open about communication, even though Mary is very expressive with her emotions and very easy to understand. So she found it very difficult to communicate with her boyfriend and they have been fighting on and off for the last couple of weeks. And she approached me not too long ago saying well, I feel like he's not making any effort. I'm doing everything. He's closed off, I don't feel like we're connecting at all and I'm trying to offer him opportunities to be with me, but whenever we're together he's mad. And so Mary, in this situation, is in a closed off relationship. It's not a permanent situation, but that is the current condition that her relationship has become.

Speaker 1: 17:19

So what does Mary want to do? Instead of focusing on the blame here, we want to focus on the concern. So how could she do this? Well, mary could simply say well, boyfriend, I'm really worried that if we keep on talking this way, where I'm expressing myself clearly and you're not, then we're not going to be able to move forward in this relationship. Or I'm noticing, boyfriend, that you're having a hard time expressing yourself to me, is it true? Or, boyfriend, I really care about you and this relationship, but if things keep going on like this, I don't know if we can continue the relationship.

Speaker 1: 18:06

All this is through the expression of concern, not blame, because, even though it sounds very similar to blame, the difference is that there's coming with an open heart and an open mind, that the boyfriend will have the opportunity to actually express what is happening. If he takes it so with blame, when we're doing this kind of communication, it's an attack and defense scenario. It's an attack and defense scenario. You're not doing this, you're not doing that, you're not this. All this you're not is blame, but embracing concern is showing. I'm noticing this, I'm noticing that. I can see this. Is it true? Is it not? Tell me.

Speaker 1: 19:01

Opening it to this kind of expression not only shows that you want to be an open ear, a good listener to the other person, but you're also giving them just the chance to really express themselves. So that's why trying to change the framework of how these patterns happen from blame to concern will give you opportunities to have better communication. Okay, so that leads us to our final and most obvious situation that happens in a lot of relationships, and especially communication, and that is simply not listening. Yeah, you heard it not listening. This one is a very straightforward one, because many people like to express themselves, they want to be heard, and everyone has their story and they have their point of view, and everyone wants to be recognized for that point of view, because it gives them a sense of being, gives them a sense of value, that they are truly there, and you, being the listener, when you're actually paying attention to their words, that gives them the encouragement that they are actually being understood.

Speaker 1: 20:24

So the problem is, though, in fighting and intense communication situations, especially in things like meetings, when someone is trying to express themselves and they are interrupted immediately. For example, if I'm talking about the success of our business recently and saying you know? Oh, the last three months we have seen an increase of and then the other person tells the number oh, you know, 20% of that market price right there. Yes, we all know that. So this kind of way of communicating with each other is someone predicting the outcome of a communication? Okay, predicting the outcome. Why is this not a good thing? Well know, yes, it's okay that we all have the ability to predict the future a little bit. But when you create conclusions like this because that's what it is, you're creating a conclusion for a conversation that hasn't been completed yet.

Speaker 1: 21:35

There's an issue. You're not allowing any new opportunities or clear results that might be different from what you think to occur. You're allowing just what you think to be real to be the only option, when, in reality, the options of what could be said are endless. They're limitless, and so predicting what another person will say, even if you are really certain what they're going to say, and interrupting them in their flow of communication is never a good idea. It just shows one you're not showing yourself clearly to be there for somebody. And the second one is we're going to have that person believe that they are unworthy to communicate them with themselves or, sorry, communicate their ideas.

Speaker 1: 22:30

And so what can we do instead of interrupting people and allow them to continue their conversation? Well, one thing is learning the power of listening. So what is behind the power of listening? Well, there's a lot, but for today's conversation, we're only going to focus on two things. One is that you're presenting yourself in such a way that you're present for that person, and being present for that person automatically shows that you care. So, by listening to what they say and responding in a way that's unique and genuine and authentic will help them realize yeah, it's very easy to have healthy communication with you. Then, if you're having a trouble, let's just say that you're in a conversation and you do feel like you know what's going to happen, but you really don't want to keep on listening to what they're saying because it's starting to give you some stress, or maybe even some agony of some kind, or maybe even some agony of some kind, maybe even some suffering. Then what we would like to do is still not interrupt or walk away from the conversation, because that will escalate things even more. So a way to keep yourself calm and stable during a conversation like that and let them continue, their share of the communication is simply be aware of your breathing.

Speaker 1: 24:04

One of the easiest things that you can do is do deep breathings. An easy technique that I like to share, and I'll share with you now, is doing an inhalation that's long and an exhalation that's longer. My favorite go-to in terms of numbers is something that's easy to remember. So I always tell people try to just remember 7-11, just like the convenience store. So you would do 7 seconds in and 11 seconds out. So let's go ahead and do that together right now 7 seconds in and 11 seconds out.

Speaker 1: 24:52

If you participated in that, you will notice that you're already feeling calmer, more relaxed, and the reason for it is simple when you have a long inhalation in, you're allowing lots of oxygen into your body, which automatically starts creating relaxation inside of your muscles. When you have a long exhalation out and it's longer than your inhalation, you are actually letting your heart start to beat slower, because your heart cannot beat fast when your exhalation is longer than your inhalation. It's just a really cool technique that you can look up later if you want to check it out, but the truth is is that when you have a slower heart rate and more oxygen in your body, your body has no choice but to calm down, and so when you're in a tense conversation that's causing you to feel stress or overwhelm or anxiety or anything like this, simply taking these breaths will automatically make your body feel more at ease. So those are the two things that you can try when you're having a situation where feeling like not listening, this old habit wants to pop up again. But if you're wanting to try something new that's healthier, you can try one of those two things.

Speaker 1: 26:16

Okay, well, those are the things that I wanted to share with you today. I hope that you found it very resourceful and informative. If you did, please definitely share this episode with whomever you seem fit. It was a pleasure to be here again with everybody. I really hope you had a great time I sure did, and definitely tune in to the next one coming up next week. Have a wonderful week and bless you all. Take care.