Turning Grief into a Pathway for Growth

What if we told you that embracing your deepest pain could be the key to profound healing? Join me, Eric, as I open up about my personal journey through the heart-wrenching loss of my mother to cancer. In the first part of this episode, we unravel the true nature of grief, exploring how it emerges from the end of significant relationships or connections. By sharing metaphors and relatable examples, such as the feeling of emptiness after losing a cherished object or even the experience of getting wisdom teeth removed, we aim to provide a vivid and relatable picture of the void and pain grief brings. Learn why we experience grief and discover practical advice on how to navigate its challenging waves.

Moving forward, we draw meaningful parallels between healing from a physical injury and healing from grief. Just as a broken arm needs time and proper care to heal, so does our emotional well-being. This chapter emphasizes the importance of allowing oneself to feel and process grief, recognizing it as a powerful expression of love for those we've lost. Through personal anecdotes and practical guidance, we celebrate the beauty of life's highs and lows, encouraging you to cherish every moment and find solace in our shared human experience. Tune in to understand how accepting and embracing grief can lead to profound personal growth and lasting healing.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding and Coping With Grief
• 10:21 Healing Grief Through Love and Understanding

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is episode 89, talking about grief. What is it and how does it affect you? Welcome back to Taiwanica Podcast everybody. This is Eric, your host here for a very important episode that I'm very excited to share with you. Even though it is a darker emotion that we experience, it's something that we all need to understand clearly, because I believe, no matter who you are or where you're from, grief will be something that you will experience as part of your life here on planet earth. So understanding what it actually is and how to go through it is something very important.

Speaker 1: 0:51

And now, for those who don't know me very well, I've experienced grief quite a few times in my life. Just about a year ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mother, to a very horrible series of cancer. She died from stage four breast cancer and the fight was long and painful. So I'm going to be talking a little bit about that as my own personal experience, along with other smaller experiences of grief, along with what are some remedies to grief and what actually grief is, because a lot of people know what the word is but don't really understand why it happens to them or how it happens to them. And then, finally, my own personal advice on what to do when experiencing it. So we're going to start small and work our way up in this episode, because it's a very big topic, so definitely strap in for understanding what this emotion really means, because the goal of this episode is to really leave you with everything that you need to know about grief for now on. So we're going to start with the word grief. What is it? Grief is the experience of sadness and mourning about someone that has passed, and it doesn't have to just be a person. It could be also a an important thing in your life, whether it's a pet, a plant, it could be anything really that you have a loving connection to. That's the key here is that there was love attached to this relationship, and now that love is no longer capable of being expressed, for whatever reason okay, whether it's the passing or the leaving or whatever it may be, and so we're going to talk about that now.

Speaker 1: 3:00

How does, how does all of this grief even occur? Grief usually is something we experience when we have the awareness that this experience or this person is no longer capable of continuing. So the death of somebody, or maybe the moving from one place to another, or the ending of a very important relationship. These are all similar to grief, so the person doesn't necessarily need to die for this to happen. For example, having a serious heartbreak because of a relationship ending is also an experience of grief.

Speaker 1: 3:54

For the reason why we have grief is simple Our heart believes that the relationship or the connection that we had to this specific thing or person is just not possible of continuing. And the heart wants it to continue, but recognizes that it's no longer possible. So, in the way that makes the heart feel empty, and that emptiness is what you're feeling as grief. So, to give this a very clear example, grief is very similar to a hole in the ground and I like to just take you on a little image journey. And let's say, you and I were walking in a very, very clear day, but the ground is black, okay, and the ground has nothing but just black sand, and you're, we're just walking on black sand together, and then, all of a sudden, we notice that there is a giant hole in the ground. Okay, there's no black sand there, it's just empty in this place where there should be black sand. Okay, that black sand is what we're standing on, is what we consider as love. And then the hole is where the black sand used to be, but no longer is, and that is grief. Okay, so love is trying to fill more black sand into this hole, but the hole has no bottom to it. It's there's no way to refill this hole that used to have black sand there, and that's what the heart is basically trying to do is trying to fill up this hole with black sand, but it's just impossible because it has no bottom. And this sensation of constantly trying to feel love in a place that used to be there is what caused us to hate the feeling of grief. It makes us feel lacking. It feels like unworthiness of love, because for some reason, we don't feel as whole or complete as we used to. But in reality, what's actually happening is just we've lost somebody or something, and to acknowledge that and accept that for what it is is painful, because we now have this new part of us that wasn't there before.

Speaker 1: 6:39

It's very similar to when you go to the dentist. All of us for all those who are listening that are at least adults you've had probably a tooth or one, or two or three teeth that have been removed. Like have you ever had wisdom teeth. I know not everybody has wisdom teeth, but a lot of people do so. To all of you who have wisdom teeth in the back of your mouth, you've definitely have had the situation where you had they had those removed, otherwise they would cause more problems inside of your mouth later on with your other teeth. So the dentist says we got to get these out. And you don't think anything of it. You're just like, okay, yeah, there, I don't need these teeth, so let's get them out of there.

Speaker 1: 7:28

So after the surgery, what do you notice? You have holes in the back of your mouth that used to have something that you you didn't think that you wanted. But when you feel the emptiness there, you kind of feel a little sad. Oh, that tooth is no longer there, it's no longer a part of me and I'm left with nothing. It's kind of the same way with our heart. When we have this emptiness inside of us, we believe you know, oh man, this is kind of sad. I wish I had this to be filled again with what was there before.

Speaker 1: 8:05

So when we're experiencing the sadness, a lot of people think that it's an emotion that we should block or ignore. So as a result of that. A lot of people will go and do things to numb us the feeling or to ignore the feeling. Some of those things could be drinking alcohol or going to parties to distract themselves, or you know, just doing things that don't require any time to spend focusing on that emotion, and so these kind of things will only stop you for a temporary amount of time from feeling it, but sooner or later, the grief will come back again, and grief's job is for you to recognize it. If you have listened to the episodes we've made here before, we talk a lot about this in the last episode, with stress, so I definitely recommend you check out that episode too, to understand more about acknowledging emotions.

Speaker 1: 9:18

Today, though, with grief, the simple thing is is that when we feel that emptiness inside of us and we give it its attention when it's asking for it, what happens is, at first, it's pretty painful and it can be really intense. So having a moment to yourself to experience it is really important, but the most important thing to realize is the more times you experience grief about that one particular person or thing, the shorter that grief will become as time goes on. Why is this? Because you're allowing the grief be felt, you're also allowing it to heal. You're also allowing it to heal, but if you do not accept the feeling of grief when it comes, that means you're making the healing process time longer and longer.

Speaker 1: 10:21

So it's very similar to like a broken arm. If you don't allow the broken arm to be put into a cast or, you know, a little hard shell to make it so that it is safe from outside environment and damage, then it's very easy for that arm to either break again or be damaged more or, even worse, it won't actually heal completely. So usually if you have a broken arm, you go to the hospital. They give you something to take care of it and then you listen to what the doctor says Take care of it, don't let it touch things, make sure it doesn't move too much and, yeah, just be careful with it. So let this be me as your heart doctor for a second. I'm not an actual doctor, okay, but just saying as for the healing of your grief, understand that what we're saying grief can be healed if you allow it to be felt.

Speaker 1: 11:30

So an easy way to do that is to give yourself some time to feel it, whenever that is. You can welcome grief to your life. Just so you know, you don't have to wait for it to pop up, you don't have to be somewhere outside and all of a sudden, boom, there's grief. Okay, everybody, hold on. I gotta go into the bathroom for the next 20 minutes to feel my grief. Just see you guys later. No, you don't have to do that. It's not like diarrhea, okay.

Speaker 1: 12:00

Uh, grief is an emotion, and so if you have grief and you recognize that you have grief inside you, and if you take the time when you feel it's right whether it's at home, safe and sound, or in a very special place, maybe where you go see your therapist or wherever it may be and you just allow yourself at that moment to feel the grief, then it will come. So how do you ignite the grief right? Like, how do you invite this grief to start? Well, it's very simple really. If you think of a memory related to the grief, whether it's a passing, of somebody or something, and you think of the happiest moments that created love, then that would be the way for grief to begin. And I'm about to share with you something that, when I learned about this from my mentor, it really opened my eyes about what grief is.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Remember the black sand example I talked about earlier, the black sand is love. And then when there are holes that the black sand is trying to fill, that's grief. But notice that you're trying to fill these holes with black sand and if the black sand is love, that means you're trying to fill these holes with love. So, in other words, if you would say love is a positive emotion, what is the opposite of you could say the opposite of love is grief, right? So this opposite is not saying that good or bad. We're not saying grief is bad. We're saying the positive side is love and the negative side is grief. It's kind of like the yin and yang or the yin and yang of love. So noticing that grief is equal to love.

Speaker 1: 14:19

When you feel grief, technically you were actually feeling love to the thing that you felt love to before. So to give a very personal example here, talking about my mother, when I think about my mother nowadays, sometimes a song will start playing, or a picture pops up or a message pops up that has her voice in it. I'll feel a little bit emotional, I'll feel grief about that experience and because I recognize it, knowing, oh, that's grief right there, what I do is simply feel it for what it is, because I understand that while I'm feeling this grief, I'm actually feeling love for my mother, and because I'm feeling love for my mother in this moment, there's no other emotion that I would want to feel, because love is the most empower, most powerful and most connected emotion that I have to her. So if I'm feeling grief to her, that means I'm feeling love to her. So, yeah, of course I'm going to want to feel this grief. So if you can understand that too, that means anytime that you want to feel a deep connection to the people or the things that have passed and you notice it as grief, it's okay. Now, right, because you know that you're just feeling love in a different way. So taking the time to just sit down with yourself usually alone, is best for 10 to 20 minutes and just allowing yourself in whatever way works for you, whether it's writing a journal or just sitting there and thinking about it or meditating, whatever it is that helps you remember those emotions and that grief. It's okay because you're allowing yourself to feel these new parts of you, these holes that are inside of you, and that's all right.

Speaker 1: 16:28

That experience, because that's part of being alive, and that's all right, that experience because that's part of being alive is that we go through life and we experience life. But life has two sides birth, where we see babies and we see the beginning of everything, and also death, where we see the end of things. And so when we see the beginning, we see joy, we see this freedom of something new and exciting, but at the end we see death, and that is the sadness of something ending, but also the beauty that life is limited. Our life has a timeline, everyone has it and just recognizing that we are not invincible and we're not going to live forever, and accepting every moment that we have with the people that are with us now, gives us this sense of beauty that we are, no matter what, going to have the same experience as the people who have already passed. So why not enjoy every single moment that we have now, because sooner or later it will come to an end, but that's not a bad thing, it's just part of life, right? So understanding that we're moving through this process and experience of just enjoying all these new things, whether it is the beginning of something or the end of something too. So hopefully that gives you some perspective about grief.

Speaker 1: 18:11

Grief is beautiful and it doesn't have to be something you have to avoid. It's something that you can experience, and if you have someone in your life that's experiencing grief and they don't know how to tackle it, share it with them this episode or what you learned from it, because this is something that is universal. But also realize, if you do know someone that's experiencing grief and they don't know how to do or when to do it, give them some insight about what is needed to be done, because if they don't do it, then they're just avoiding something that is very beautiful in life. So just realize that whenever someone is experiencing grief whether it's you or somebody else that it's okay to have that space to do it, okay. So I really hope that you found today's episode insightful and meaningful to you, whoever you are, and know that I love you and everyone around you also loves you for who you are.

Speaker 1: 19:27

And if you are experiencing grief in this, know that it's okay to be there and experience it, because it's just part of this beautiful thing that we're experiencing. That one day we will not, and that's alright. So going through this doesn't have to be something you have to do alone, you know. Share it with someone really special with you, and they'll surely understand that it's okay. So much love to all of you out there. If you enjoyed today's episode, please definitely like it and share it with whomever. And, yeah, we hope to see you in the next episode, which is going to be a little surprise, so definitely tune in to episode 90 of Tai Oanaka podcast. We'll see you next time.