THE IDENTITY CRISIS AFTER BECOMING A MOM

A little life catch-up, some real mom talk, and a conversation I think so many women will relate to… the identity changes that can happen after becoming a mom. From balancing everything to trying to still feel like you again this one gets honest. Come hang out with me 🤍

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Latina podcast, mothers day episode, latino podcast, relationships, podcast Mexicano, Latina, Girl talk, big sister advice

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, welcome to another episode of the Veronica Ramos podcast. It's Veronica, your host. Happy Friday. I hope you're doing good. I hope your week was good. This week I told myself that I would go to the gym all week. I did go through with it. I am going to go take a TMR class today for just a little more because it's Friday, and Friday I don't have a training, so I'm excited for later. The sun is out, it's been so hot. I just have a feeling that we're gonna have such a hot summer this year. Just it's been hot and it's not even full on summer. I'm prepping to travel next month. I'm excited. I'm going to Mexico or Mexico. Um, my family is from Mitraka, and I've told you guys before, so I'm excited to travel with the kids. It's so funny, my son has been practicing a lot of Spanish. Sadly, my daughter was approved when she was in Kinder to do the dual language, but my son wasn't when he went to Kinder, and so it's been a struggle for him to know Spanish. We even sent a letter to the district and everything to try to get him into the Spanish program, but they they didn't let him sadly, so it sucks because he doesn't know like he understands it, but it's really hard for him to speak it, so he's been like doing an app on the tablet of like learning Spanish, so he's really excited. Um, I don't know if you guys know, but I have little brothers in Mexico. My dad married over there, and my siblings are I have three of them, it's actually five, but two of them are from like the the lady that he remarried, and funny because my son's always like, Your stepmom. I'm like, it is not my stepmom, like that is not how I see it, just because like I'm older now. Anyways, I do have three little brothers over there, and my kids just love them so much. It's like they just love them, so I'm excited to go. We don't even know where we're gonna stay because last time we had like a whole situation happen with my sister, her husband, where like the hotel had mold, and when they came back, my brother-in-law literally was on the edge of dying. It was the scariest moment ever for my sister and all of us. Like, we I even said goodbye to my brother-in-law, like it was so bad, and I guess the AC at the hotel, it's like right in front of the hotel, it's actually it's right in front of the beach, it's actually where my sister got married, like a resort, a beautiful resort. And yeah, I guess the AC had mold and they were breathing it, and they came back. All the family came back super sick, and my brother-in-law had to go from the airport all the way, like to the hospital, and he like went into septic, like it was so scary for all of our family. So, we're definitely not staying in that hotel again. So, we're figuring out where we're gonna stay, but yeah, I'm excited to travel. I'll definitely be vlogging a little more on TikTok, or maybe I'll do a vlog. I don't know. Let me know in the comments if you guys want to see more vlogs. I feel like I only want to vlog like without commitment, like only if I'm doing something fun, or if I'm going somewhere and I want to vlog, just because it's it's a lot with work and stuff, that's just not like my main priority. But talking about work, it has been busy. It was the busiest month in May. Nothing I can't handle. I have everything under control. Of course, it's like with real estate, it's never never ending. Like, you will go to sleep and still have a million things in your to-do list, like it's impossible to do everything. So every day I just keep going and and all that, but yeah, I'm excited. I have a new, I think I told you guys last week there's a new girl. Shout out to Jaleen in the team, and I'm just so proud of her. I'm so proud of all the girls. We definitely need like another guy. My husband just feels all weird right there with all the girls, but he's super chill. But another guy, but that we know so that we don't so that we're all comfortable. That's one thing I love about the team. Like, all of us feel like we're culture fit, but also I was like listening to an Emma Grade podcast recently, and it said to not just focus on that, like a good fit, like also challenge your culture and like bring new people in, and so that's something that I'm like thinking about of like of like maybe it doesn't all have to be like because I feel like with the team, all of us feel like we connect and we kind of get each other, and I'm like, okay, that's good, but also why not challenge ourselves to different like different things, you know? So that's what I've been considering. It's definitely a lot training people and teaching them and just leading a team, it's a lot, but I don't know. I definitely have all the help and all the resources and everything that makes me feel better, and I'm just so confident in myself. I'm like, if I don't know something, like I'll figure it out. That's how work has been. We did help, I did help a single mom recently that just I love love helping single moms. Like, that's probably my best type of transaction that I love because of that. Just seeing a mom, especially a single mom, buy a house is the best thing ever. It has been so busy with sports. My daughter just recently did her dance performance, like her recital, it was so fun. I just love her being part of that academy, she just loves it, and it's just something that I never got to experience myself. And seeing my daughter and seeing it through her eyes, like she's living a literal dream as a little girl, and at the end of the performance, they had a so she's in jazz, she's in tumbling, I think that's how you say it, and hip hop, and she did like a big performance where everybody goes, and they're like really good, it's like a really good academy. The girls are so good. Um, and then at the end they had like a sing, like a sing-along, I would say, or like it was a final, it's called the closing number. I don't know if you're a dance mom, you probably know. I'm still learning all the terms, it's insane. Today she had tryouts as well because now the season ended, right? So she had her last recital, and it was huge, like it was a whole thing, it was beautiful at the end. They did like a whole dance off of everyone, like it just felt like a Disney movie, and I just love to experience that with my daughter. And also, yesterday she had a field trip for the strawberry festival, and then in the evening she had tryouts, so it's been a lot, and then my son has soccer, he plays in two different soccer teams, and they still have a lot to improve, but it's just so fun, like they're so little, you know, they still have a long wait, but they are there. I just love seeing them perform and like gain confidence and like all of that, so it's been so nice. I love watching little kids play soccer, it's like the cutest thing because it's like they get so competitive. I love it this week. I wanted to talk about the identity. This week I wanted to talk about the identity crisis after becoming a mother, you guys. Become a becoming a mother is a crazy everybody has a whole different experience, everybody has their own journey, their own experience. But I feel like the one thing in common that we all have, no matter your journey, is finding yourself again. You know, like there's moms that thrive being pregnant, there's moms that I personally did not feel like some people feel like they glow, like they feel beautiful when they're pregnant. For me, it was like not like that. For me, I feel my worst when I'm pregnant. That is why I never had more kids because I just I gen, you know how sometimes it's a lot of genetic. Like my family, we gained like 70 pounds for my pregnancy. Um, for both of my kids, I was like at 130, and then I would end up like at 210, like an insane amount of weight. Like, I would get so swollen. Um, I did not feel good, I did not feel confident. I think that is one of the main reasons why I decided to not have more kids, just because of how my pregnancies were. I don't think that it was because my pregnancies were bad. I feel like my pregnancies thankfully were so easy, as in the fact of like I was just pregnant, I didn't have any health issues, I did not have a hard labor on both of my kids that like pushed the baby out real quick. Um, but the thing that would affect me would be a lot of like my mental health and just feeling so ugly, feeling yeah, I did not feel confident on my pregnancies. But other women look beautiful, feel good, and I love that for you, you know. I think I would have like four kids if I did not have those genetics. I just think a big family is beautiful, like it is a lot of work, but I feel like I always tell my sister if I could just get the baby, you know, and not be pregnant, like I would be fine. So, but my sister's about to give birth today, she's induced, she's um scheduled to get induced today at like 7 p.m. So I'm really excited. I thrive going to her birth, like I feel like I relive giving birth again, like you know, it's a whole experience, anyways. Going back to the topic, I just wanted to do like a deep dive of I the identity crisis after becoming a mother. That's something that we all go through of like after you become a mother, it's like your whole life completely changes. You are I truly think that you are a whole new person after you give birth, like that person that you were before is gone. Like, maybe that obviously she's still there, and you wish and you hope for her. You know, I feel like that's something that we hold on to. That girl, that woman that we were before we had kids, and yeah, it's just really hard after you become a mother. The moments for me after becoming a mother is I truly felt like I lost myself after becoming a mother for a period of time, and I don't know if a lot of you relate to this or not, but it's like a point, it was a point in my life where I didn't care to look good, like it's just the time that you're just living, and it's the first time that you stop caring about how you look, and you start like for a moment because you get lost in motherhood and like doing the things you stop caring, which is so valid, like it's nothing bad, it's just a moment where you don't care, you don't care if your husband sees you looking crusty, if you're in your pajamas all day, like at least that's how it was. Six months come or like a year, and then you're like, Okay, let me find myself again. Even your wardrobe changes, like your style. I could not wear the same stuff that I wore before I was pregnant, like when I was not when I didn't have a baby. It was like I'm not gonna be wearing crop tops anymore, you know. It was a whole different shift, and it was so hard on me because I wanted that girl back, and also I was so young as well. I was only 18, so it's like you see all the young girls thriving, looking good, and then there was me giving birth, you start comparing yourself as well. But yeah, I think it is a moment where you lose yourself. There's a moment for like a year or two, sometimes even more, because sometimes you'll end up having like a second and a third, and it takes a few years to find yourself again. You slowly start, like, okay, what is my new style? You play you play around with different outfits, with different things. Um, you can no longer do the stuff that you used to do. Like before, you used to just be able to put on your shoes and let's go, let me go grab something real quick. Now you have to do a whole thing, uh, get the kids ready, pack a backpack, and I'm not saying everything is negative about it, but it is a time where you're in the trenches. Me, what worked is I started making a routine at home, even if it meant like I wasn't leaving to the gym or I wasn't doing, but I started making myself a routine with my babies. I would wake up, make breakfast. After I made breakfast, I would play around with them, like they would be around the living room, and then I would do a workout. And honestly, that's how I started doing everything from home, getting into a routine where I slowly started feeling good about myself and just working on something for myself. I think that's what really helped me was doing that one thing of like that little I would put YouTube, it wasn't even an app. I would put YouTube workouts, do them right there. My kids would get on top of me and play with me, but I still wouldn't care. I would do it, and it would make me feel good about myself. And then after that, I slowly started asking myself, okay, let me see what else I could do to feel good. Yeah, getting into a routine really, really helped. Problem is that season goes away, and I feel like in that moment that you're living it, you're thinking, like, yes, I'm grateful for this, but you also for me, it was a moment that I would be like, I cannot wait for them to be older, I cannot wait for me to sleep on night, I cannot wait to this and that. And now that I look back, I'm like, I wish I would have lived it a little more, like I wish I would have been present more. Like, that's an advice that I can give you if you're a new mom and new mom and have little kids is enjoy them, live in the moment because I promise you, people would tell me this time goes way too fast. But to me, I was so I would say naive, maybe that I just didn't believe that or I didn't care to listen to that advice, and now that I look back, I'm like, oh my gosh, I wish I would have lived it more, enjoyed it more, and took it in more just because it's such a small period of time that you're gonna look back to and just be so happy that you did it in that moment when you're in the trenches. You're like, I just wish I could like sleep, but I promise, promise you that you're gonna look back and you know, just wish you were there again. Honestly, that's how that's how it is. And there's the next challenge of being an ambitious woman or having a career, and then balancing being a mother. That is one of the main questions, the main problems, the main things that always come up, and you ask yourself, like, do I stay home? Do I follow my dreams? Do I should I do it? Should I feel guilty? Should I not? Like, you just get in your head of like, am I a good mother if I continue with my career? And that was a really hard for me as well, because it's it was like you want to still continue to have a career, but you also want to be the best mom. I think one of the biggest advice I can give you if you're not a mom yet, is wait until you feel financially stable. You will have or you have your career to start a family, you will have such a different experience from both. Like, if I was to have kids now, like starting, like a lot of women start having kids at my age, 27. Where with me, I started when I was 17, 18. So I feel like I would have had a complete different experience of having kids at those two different ages. Like, I feel like now I would have been way more patient, I would have enjoyed a lot more, and that's why I say that's like the one of the biggest advice. Wait until you're financially independent or have your career to have kids. I know sometimes things happen, and if that already happened for me, it was definitely really hard because I remember those moments that my babies would tell me, like, you're going to work again, mom, and there were babies. Oh, I remember that. I would leave my home crying because like they were so little, you know, they didn't understand, and they would just see me like come in and now and be like, No, mom, don't go. Like, they would literally tell me that, and it was so hard. But at the same time, I want to, I wanted to continue to have my career. I feel like I've read a lot of books and I've seen a lot where some moms, and that's just that was just my decision. I think everybody like do what you want to do, do what you your heart desires, what you want to do. Think about it, and you know, think about what you want to do. For me, I had read a lot of books, and I had and I just I've never had anything for myself. Like, I wanted to just not have the life that I had before. I wanted my kids to have things that I never had, experiences that I never had, and I knew that with one income, like it was we were gonna be fine, but I wanted my kids to thrive and give them a life that I never had, and something and it honestly, it wasn't even all just because of my kids, it's something that I wanted to do, something that I was like, this is something that I want to do in my life. I don't want to just be a mom and that's it. And I also had, like I said, I already said this like three times. I had read before where there's been situations where mothers give all of their lives to their kids only, to then at the end of the day, when they're 18, just they move on, you know, like they have a whole life to live, you're not gonna be their main priority, like they're gonna go on to live their life, and for you to give your entire life to them, to then you know, people women end up so broken because that happens, and I just that I didn't want to do that, and again, this is just me talking, like, don't take my my talking too serious. This is just what I wanted, and like for me, it's like I don't want to just be a mother, I want to have my own stuff, and I want my daughter to see that it's something that she can do as well. Yes the mom guilt would get me a lot, a lot until I just decided no, like this is not I don't have any guilt anymore. I'm like my kids get to live this life that they live now because of what I do. I feel like I'm teaching my kids that hard work is important. I'm teaching my daughter that she can do big stuff too, you know, and you can and if she you know if she decides, like I think it's totally okay to be a stay-at-home mom. Like, I am not against that at all. I was a stay-at-home mom for a little bit, and I love that. Like, I feel like you should experience that sometime, but it's okay to want more and to go back to work and to do what you love, and yeah, so I just want to teach my daughter that you could do whatever you want. Me, what really helped was teaching my kids that this is a normal, like, there's I don't make it a thing that I work a lot, like that's just what it is, and it's not like I like it's crazy because I do work a lot, but I also am with them for all the big special moments, and just don't make it a thing, like you don't have to bring up of like, oh sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm not gonna make it to your practice. I'm so like, no, make it normal, whatever you decide to do, and then they're not going to feel any certain way about it. I think that's what really has helped me to them what I do and me working is. Normal and I don't make it a big deal. I don't even know if that makes any sense. Also get them involved in my career. Like, I'll tell them, you know, I'm selling, I'm out working because we need to make some money to go travel, to go to Disney World, to have fun, and they're like, Okay, like, yeah, go go to work, you know, because I'm teaching them that things don't just come. You and I'm constantly telling them, like, if you want to do stuff, you have to work, you know, like when they're like, come mom, don't go to work today. Because sometimes they say that, but just to say it, you know, they just because I do spend so much time with them, like it's not like I'm working like 24-7. Um, but they'll try to say something like that to just make me feel bad. But playing around, you know, and I'm like, you want to go to Hawaii? You you love that trip to Disney World we took, and they're like, Yeah, and I'm like, Okay, we gotta make money so we can keep going to more, and they're like, Okay, yeah, go to work, you know. So I get them involved of like telling them all that stuff so that they know that you know what I'm why I'm gone, why I'm working so much, and they love to travel, so they're they're like, please go. I feel like it's wild, like you get to know your partner in a whole other level, and sometimes it's for the good, sometimes it's for the worse, and yeah, you just like what helped us was like knowing we're partners. Um, what helped us was also like just understanding that sometimes we're gonna get irritated with each other, and we just have to like move on because at the end of the day, like we're partners, but yeah, it was definitely a time where you stop for a moment, you stop going on dates, you stop um like being so romantic, it just becomes more real when you become a mom, and there's a lot of beautiful moments as well in that, but there's also a lot of challenging things, like you get, you know. I remember with me, I was like more demanding, like more like you know, it just completely changes. It is a challenging time for sure. So easy after you have kids to just become roommates, and just you know, because you're challenging all the kids' stuff, that it's so easy to get lost in just the everyday the trenches of you know of becoming a mother, and it's definitely very challenging. I think what really helped us was just also letting it happen and understanding that at the end of the day, like you're a marriage and it's just a season in your life, a long path, understanding that it's a partnership and that you know it's just a season in your life, and we would just at the end of the day come together and you know, I think if you love each other, you will get through it. Us what really helped reconnect was doing little getaways. We would just me and him sometimes go on date nights, we would um even with the kids date nights at night. Um, we would also go to the casino with me and him, and like rent a room, and just try to bring the romance back because it's so easy to let that go. And I think as long as you both try and communicate, it's just so much mental load that we have as mothers, like silent mental load that sometimes it's just hard. Like, I remember I didn't like it had to be a whole thing for me to like because it was just a lot, especially two kids under two. And sometimes at the end of the day, the last thing you want is for your men to touch you or to even tell you anything because you literally had done everything. So I would we would go on dates, like it wasn't like every week or anything, but like when we felt like we were disconnecting, we would do a date night, and you guys date nights when you have kids are everything your marriage will reconnect, so try it out. I feel like with those little date nights that we would do, sometimes we would even go to like Seattle, just me and him, and like for the for two days or for a day, and I know that's a lot, not everyone can do that, but it could be a date night only, you know. But when you do a date night, I feel like you reconnect with your old self, you don't feel like you know, you just feel like it's just you and him, and you reconnect. I think understanding that there's like in like when you have kids and you're married or you're with your partner, it's like you don't want too much, but you still want that connection with them. Like, don't be doing too much, like I'm tired, but I still want you to make me feel special. I still want you to um because that's one thing my husband did do, he would bring me flowers randomly, or he would do little things like little acts of action, or how do you say it? Um, but yeah, I think when you have kids and you're married, it's like you don't want too much, but you still want to be connected, and I still want you to make me feel special, but don't be doing too much, you know. And you become a mom, you just want to feel like you again who feel like that part of yourself is gone, you feel like that girl is no longer there. For me, finding a new style, finding things that I love now, like finding a new hobby or a new thing. When I became a mom, I that's when I got into real estate and I started learning a new thing. And I think having something like having another thing that you are learning or you're doing when you become a mom really helps your mental health. Um, like for example, for me, I was learning real estate, so I was like watching videos and it would get my mind off things from motherhood because when you're too focused on only one thing, you get so focused on it, like hyper focused, that then it just you get into like this hole that you can't get out of, or you start feeling you know, your mental health starts affecting you. So I feel like I had that out like that escape, you know, or that thing that I was learning that would help me feel better and have something else to think about, other than just motherhood. For me, it was that, and also just playing around with my style and finding my new identity. Like, I still took a lot of what I was before I became a mother, like I loved business and I loved certain things, I loved beauty, I loved and I was just experimenting what I could do. Like, I remember at some point I was doing little videos on Instagram about makeup, and it was my escape. It was like a thing that I would do to you know to make me not think about that so much. And whatever it is for you, whether it's working out, if you are like getting into a new hobby, you know, my daughter right now, she's doing crocheting, there's photography, there's tick tock, there's makeup, there's like whatever you're into reading, like get into something that you are into that will have that escape and will make you feel like you have your own identity. I think that is such a game changer. But yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed today's episode. It was just a rant about motherhood and how it's so hard. Hope this made you feel less alone and something to think about. Make sure to send this to a friend that needed to hear this. How last time I told you guys to put a white heart at the end. So I'm gonna keep doing that so that you guys can keep commenting. I love talking to you guys, like comment down below any of your thoughts, anything, and I'll definitely respond and also DM me your thoughts, your concerns, your drama, your everything. I want to hear it because I want to talk about stuff on the podcast. Um, so today, if you're a real one and you stayed till the end, write a comment and at the end put a baby emoji. Um, and I'll know that you listen to the end. I hope you guys enjoyed. I will talk to you guys next week.