3 Unconscious Beliefs Stopping You From Happy & Healthy Relationships

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello relationships, success, tribe. So good to have you here. And today we are going to be talking about three. Very common yet. Very subtle unconscious beliefs that hold you back from having happy and healthy relationships. And if you don't know. This is incredibly important for you to be aware of because 95% of your actions in any relationship. For example, the way that you communicate, the way that you bond, the way that you respond, the way that you defend, the way that you interpret certain messages. As well as even your choice and partner. 95% is governed by either subconscious or unconscious beliefs. So it is incredibly important that we all aware of waltzes happening under the surface so that we can be more conscious in our relationships. Because if we're not conscious, We risk. The impact of self sabotaging behaviors of actually becoming very detrimental. In our ability to have happy and fulfilling relationships. Now, because these are unconscious beliefs, I'm going to be talking about in just a moment. I'm also going to be describing certain signs for you to watch out for, and the signs might be in yourself. They might be in your partner. But it's incredibly important for you to be aware of these things, because this is going to allow you to really investigate and look at your relationship. And what it is that needs to change what elements need healing so that you can work towards relationship, fit us. Festival. I want to talk about the very common. Discussion. Around low self worth. And this is something that you have probably seen on social media read books about listen to other podcasts about write blogs. On, but ultimately if we believe that we are not good enough. We may believe this by the way, consciously or subconsciously. But if there's an impact that suggests that we are low in terms of our self-esteem or self-confidence. Then yes, relationships all going to be a lot more challenging primarily because your constantly in a cycle of trying to prove your worth and trying to be good in a fuel partner whilst also fearing rejection. And what often happens that is that you all always performing, you are always doing more and more and more. Believing that this is a thing that is required, or this is the thing that your partner really wants you to do. And ultimately you are actually never feel accepted and you yourself never feel loved. And you yourself still continue to question whether or not you're good enough. So to briefly illustrate how this would luck is. If I felt that I was inadequate in some way. And I believe that my partner wanted me to be a particular way. So for example, they wanted me to be slimmer or more intelligent or wealthier or more sexually adventurous. Then I would start to perform in that way. But as I'm doing all of these things, I'm actually guessing further and further away. From my authentic self from it who I really am. And the more that I perform the further away I am from my genuine self. And I might start to convince myself, Hey, the performative side of me is a better version of me. Therefore I should watch on salons. But I am forever. Moving towards the skull posts that is always moving. And I, like I mentioned before, ultimately I never feel accepted because it's not me. He turns up to the relationship. It is my performative self. It is the Musk. And so even if my partner. He loves that mask. Even if they accept that mask. It's the Musk that they're accepting. It's not me. And so I never feel good enough. And this cycle just perpetuates itself, time and time and gap. Forever. Trying and striving to be good enough, but never actually feeling that way. But also my partner never really gets to see my authentic self. So they're raw, so many different problems that can emerge from this like emotional disconnection, like difficulties in communicating like frustrations and resentment. And this question around compatibility and how complimentary we are, how aligned our values are, whether or not this relationship is workable. All of these things get suppressed. And. We get so frustrated and we don't want to do that. And we never feel good enough, but then also we end up suffering in silence. All our partner might know that we're suffering, but we never end up working effectively in a way that is impactful for us to really create a healthy and nurturing relationship. Now. This element that I'm talking about around low self-worth or the belief of I'm not good enough. This is something that's really common. So it's not actually one of my top three unconscious beliefs, but it's something that I really wanted to point out. Because it's really common. Um, if it's something that you're struggling with. I have got a whole volt. Of amazing workbooks and videos that has got so much content and so much GC information and tools for you to really get stuck into. So if this is you, if this resonates with you, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to help you. This is my bread and butter. No. Let's dive in to the top of three unconscious beliefs. And please stick around for number three, because it is the myrrh sosal buts. It is something that I see so often that people really do not recognize. Number one. Love equals abandonment. And this is perhaps one of the most common. Experiences, one of the most common unconscious belief systems that I see in clients. And this is particularly true if you've got an insecure attachment style. So that might be either anxious. Or it could be an avoidant. Or it can even be a little bit of the two. If you've got a mix, if you are disorganized in terms of your attachment style. And you might not necessarily know the path of how love leads to abandonment, but somewhat in your nervous system, somewhere deep in the Balsam of your unconscious mind. You are satin. That's love is attached to you, abandonment. And so consciously you might be aware of, well, you learned some relationships. Do you lost, you may have seen other people who have got useful in hoppy. Everlasting relationships, you know, that it is possible. But for you, it snapped. And it's almost like this automatic reflex, this automatic go-to that love is definitely tied in with abandonment. And this becomes very, very challenging. Particularly for the fact that as human beings. We need to be around other people. We all sociable creatures. We need to have relationships. We thrive off relationships. We have basic needs. If you're thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Sure. Some of our basic needs are to do with things like food, water, shelter, warmth. All these things are important, but what often people don't realize is psychological safety is just as important as physical safety. And with psychological safety, we are really talking about relationships. But with many people who have some kind of insecure attachment style, They do not feel psychologically safe in their relationships and somewhere, if you were to really drill down into that unconscious belief systems, that is this association that love is going to lead to abandonment. And this makes it incredibly challenging because it can emerge in two different ways. So some of the signs for you to watch out for. The first sign is if there is any form of challenge. In the relationship. So it might be a difficult conversation. It might be a disagreement. It might be a disclosing, something that is a bit personal. That's a bit vulnerable. Often what will happen is that the person will push away and they might not. Obviously push away. So they might not enter immediate defense mode. They might do as well, but they might not enter immediate defense mode, but will they often do, is that they start to create distance. They start to withdraw. Um, They withdraw by either emotionally turning off the light switch. So emotionally they've come very disconnected. They might not communicate as much. They might be super passive and super agreeable and just say yes all the time, just to kind of get the conversation out the way and never speak about it again. And they might also end up in a space whereby they are really, really heavily avoiding difficult yet impulsive conversations to be had. So it might actually end up being almost like stonewalling. That is why by something is asked or something is post in the relationship. And they don't know how to answer. Right. They don't want to answer it. They don't want to look at it. It's too challenging. And so they become very evasive. So this is one particular sign, and this is important for you to keep in mind because the moment that somebody emotionally disconnects. They are actually doing this as a psychological safety mechanism because they're not wanting to remain in a space where they feel the risk of abandonment. And they do that, even though they are. They are actively and objectively in the relationship, but emotionally they have signed themselves out. It's almost as of signing themselves out before the actual ending of their relationship. And that just feels a lot more palatable because ultimately then they. Hold all the power and all control that the ending of the relationship didn't control their emotions, but they have ended the relationship in their mind before the ultimate ending. I E the ultimate abandonment that they believe is definitely going to happen. This is something absolutely crucial to be aware of. So, like I said, they avoid very difficult conversations. Another sign of the fear of abandonment or the belief that love equals abandonment is when somebody becomes hyper. Anxious. And they are fearful at any sign. And perhaps see signs are ambiguous, but they all fearful. Any sign that that partner is disinterested in them. Or that their partner is disappointed in them, or they have not been good enough for that partner. They all very, very fearful. That that partner has found somebody else or believes that they all better than so person. And so they are going to be bumped down or they're just screened to be dismissed. They're going to be rejected on they agreeing to be. Abandoned. So the way that this might image is for instance, if you're away on a business trip, or if you're away with family, with friends, if you're even just away for work. What you might get a lot of messages. Where are you? What are you doing? Can you show me a video? And it almost feels quite intense or it might be. Hey, let's speak at five o'clock and if you forget. Then it becomes a huge issue and they become very, very anxious and that trying to hold in the anxiety because they might not necessarily want to seem like they're going crazy here, but really they are very, very anxious and they're feeling very panicked. And then the startings question. Do you really love me if you did not call me at five o'clock or it's actually the simple response may have been I'm so sorry. It just slipped my mind. Of course. I love you. But in those moments, they might not necessarily believe that they all loved. And the risk that these people have is that they self-sabotage that earn relationship on to ultimately they create a situation where it is more likely for them to be abandoned. So all of the signs that I've spoken about today, Will lead to the self fulfilling prophecy that they will be abandoned. These individuals continuously act and operate from a space where they believe that they will be abandoned and that full it happens. And just March in this, if you are in a relationship with somebody and they all constantly wanting to know. Why you are at any point in the day and that constantly demanding of your attention, all of your attention, all of your affection. And if you don't have capacity together, or if you're busy, if you're wanting to spend time with friends or family, Uh, anything. And they start to become really, really upset. And you feel guilty because you've caused some sadness or you feel really frustrated with them because you don't know what to do. You exert all of your energy on them. And you just don't know where to go with that. Actually it starts to push you away from them. It starts to make you question. Oh my goodness. Relationship is costing me a lot of energy. Karen, I really do this in the long term earned. Here's the thing. The person who has this deep rooted belief that. Love equals abandonment. The notes are acting at Alto. Turf Mollis than not doing it to be irritating. Or anything of the sort that acting from a place of a deep seated wound, but fee to be on the receiving end of it. Oh, boy, it's challenging. And so naturally it screened to push you away. So the thing that they're really frightened of is being abandoned. But by the way that they act. They all going to end up in situation where they will be abandoned, where they will be pushed away, why they will be rejected, because it's so much. So I'm talking about people who are anxiously attached here, but then even for the people who are a bit more avoidant, let's say. They also end up in a situation where they are abandoned because they emotionally checkouts because they have signed out, even though they all still objectively in a relationship and they might somewhat be actioning in the relationship, but the not emotionally investing. People feel that your partner will feel that disconnect. So they will feel that distance and they weren't know what to do with that because they'll tolerate it. But at the same time, they will notice themselves as if they are guessing where they Sturm. They'll be guessing. How do you feel about them? And that for someone who's securely attached, that would be really difficult to tolerate. And so again, they are more likely to step away from the relationship because they feel like that partner is not emotionally invested in them. Or is choosing to be emotionally disconnected. So those people also get abandoned in the end. And this is the thing really important to be aware of is that these unconscious beliefs, as I mentioned, we operate out of them. And then this ultimately leads us to a space whereby we act in a way until that belief happens until we all. Sincerely abandoned. I'd like to step in at the stage to say that I am on a mission to help as many people as possible to reach relationship's success. And you would be helping me out more than you could possibly know by subscribing to this podcast. Rating it. And sharing it with a friend. And if you do that, I've got to totally free values, compatibility workbook that will help you and your partner feel more connected whilst being your authentic selves. Now, this workbook is not available anywhere, but I'm giving it to you. Absolutely free. If you can send me a message on the details in the show notes below sharing the love for this podcast. Thank you. Well, let's move on to number two. One of the other very common, yeah. Unconscious beliefs that we may hold. Is the belief that love is exhausting. Love is exhausting and this won't be defined in various different ways. So for example, love will demand for me to self-sacrifice. Or love will demand for me to constantly be on guard. To constantly be aware of red flags who need to constantly bring them up for me to constantly be carrying my partner in terms of that emotional. Issues for me to constantly be supporting my partner for me to constantly be bringing something to the table. And when we all thinking about this in so many different ways, love them, ends up feeling like a bed and it just feels exhausting. And we can go from this space whereby we all really wanting to prioritize ourselves. We all wanting to fuel ourselves with wanting to feed ourselves, to nurture ourselves. And you know, some people might argue that as being selfish, but. I would also say it's important to be selfish in order to be selfless. Uh, w we need a combination of the two, but. Your going from a space whereby you are essentially very independent. Your not having to hold yourself accountable to anybody except for yourself. And you are able to live life. On your own terms, but when you're in a relationship, it means that you also have to consider that that other person, you have to consider their emotions, how they are going to be, how they going to feel. I'm thinking by ston, anything that you ended up doing. And that in itself can feel very exhausting because your then having to really regulate yourself. And again, many people have this conflict. And it's really an internal issue in the sense that as a human being, we need relationships. We want relationships. We want to feel loved. We wants to feel appreciated and to feel valued, but simultaneously we're also wanting this independence and we're wanting freedom. And when it comes to relationship, the healthiest relationships. Really gets this be useful balance. Struggling freedom. And connection. And that's really what the ultimate goal of a relationship is, is the freedom to be our authentic self whilst also holding that connection in mind and seeing how is that we grow with that connection. But when people are really stuck in this wounded place, wet by love equals extortion or love equals self-sacrifice. It becomes really challenging to know what to do. And these people historically have operated from a space where they have constantly had to give themselves. They've constantly had to pour themselves. And suppress themselves. They've had to pour into someone else. They're hearts. You come from a place of service and always prioritizing that partner. Or it could be that they've always had to prioritize sat parents and almost taking the pseudo parental role. And really looking after other people. Uh, whilst they're neglecting themselves. And as a coping mechanism and. Uh, thanks to social media. There are so many. Tips. Say out that while they talk about watching out for red flags, watching off session behaviors, how is that you prioritize your self harm? Is that you voice yourself? And I feel a bit conflicted about this and if I'm being totally honest, because I think on one hand, it's incredibly important for people to be educated and to really understand the difference between what is abusive and what's triggering because, because that is a very different conversation and it's conversation for an at the time, but it's important for people to be educated, right. But unfortunately we have now gone down the S. Very different trajectory while people are educated, but then misusing that information and then not really applying it in a way that it is intended or in the way that would be most helpful. So for instance, I've come across a lot of people, particularly my female clients actually, but I've come across a lot of people where they are really. Roofless in trying to protect themselves. And they're saying, I'm not going to do wifi duties if I'm not going to be a wife and, you know, and I'm kinda thinking to myself, like, Ooh, okay. So what is that? And how does that actually align with your authentic self? And does that mean that you're then going to be sleeping with other people if you're not going to be a wifi and you know, w what's the soul mean, but. But ultimately, you know, you've got some people where they've gone really the other way, and they all heavily turned to protect themselves so that they don't feel like that they're investing in the relationship. And so all the investment, the energy investment goes into themselves. But by that very fit, she either actually. Really damaging that relationship. And here's the thing. There's narrative around. What do I bring to the table in the relationship and think this is such an important conversation for you to have with your partner, but also something for you to be aware of. When we're thinking about what do we bring to the relationship? It can be a little bit transactional. I E. Aye. Bring the finances you bring the housework. You know, these things are important and it's important piece to consider, but there's also something that is deeper, that is needed. And what is needed really is emotional connection. Because if you're only bringing stuff to the table, On you're looking at it from a very transactional perspective, then you might as well just have a housemate, right? Like there's no point in being intimately involved. Like why would you be right? Unless, if sex is a transaction for something else, like money, and then it's kind of like, well, isn't that what prostitution is, but, you know, So, this is really an important conversation piece half, but. The point I'm trying to make is fat people who have this unconscious belief that love equals exhaustion or love equal self sacrifice or love equals a burden. It becomes incredibly difficult for you to really find that beautiful balance between love being freedom and to connection. How do you achieve the tutes simultaneously? So this is something really peach consider because if you'll believe in that love is bedridden, then you all going to actually invest a lot less in the relationship. And you believe that you're investing in yourself, but actually you're just moving yourself away further and further away from the thing that you really want, which is emotional connection, which is sincere, genuine love. And how do you navigate the two? Well, it's really by figuring out is love really exhausting. Is love really a bed. And does it really. Demand self-sacrifice earned his thing. Love absolutely requires effort. Absolutely. When people say that love should be easy. That's not true. The lying. Um, I'm not saying that love should be painful, but love, absolutely requires efforts. Anything in life, you will notice anything in life that you pour effort into. That's the thing that grows. That's the thing that gets nourished. That's the thing that improves and it's the same with your love life. The more effort that you put into your love life, the more fulfilling it's going to be, the more meaningful it's going to be. So there does have to be a level of effort. But it depends on the way that you put in that effort. So I've seen people where they put in a hell of a lot of effort, but they're actually put in an effort. It really toxic ways. So the pushing an effort to almost elicit the sense of jealousy to test their partner and see, Hey, does my partner really love me? Or they might be putting in a lot of ethics. And that they're self sacrificing so much, but they ended up in a whole heap of resentment and they're wanting their partner to pay them back in some way. And guess what the payback isn't going to happen because that's not what the efforts is needed, but that's not the right kind of effort. The right kind of effort requires, how do you have difficult conversation that you really need to have, but you're having it because you know, it's going to help you and help your partner in terms of your overall growth in terms of your overall wellbeing, in terms of really auditing your relationship and checking out. Hey, are we really along the right path here, the right path for each other, but also the right path for our individual selves. That is the key. And when you think more and more about this, that is really when you get to this beautiful. Arena of love being freedom on connection. Last, but not least. And I would argue potentially one of the sneakiest, unconscious beliefs that we have that can stop us from having a happy and healthy relationship. Is actually Allie external. Well, I mean by that is really based on societal beliefs, communal beliefs that we hold. Around relationships. Now, people often don't realize how big of an impact this has on us, but it really, really does. And many individuals that I will meet and work with will say, or they will believe that they are very independent, that they do whatever it is that their heart tells them to do, that they are very instinctive or that they are. Really paving their own path and. The thought leaders, which also means that they can't really absorb societal messages or, you know, not, not a kind of society as we think of as a lodge. But this is not really that accurate. And actually the largest society does have an influence in terms of what it is that we believe about ourselves and about relationships. And if I was, she just kind of do a huge sweeping statement. If you all looking at generations and how we have operated with regards to our relationships. Historically women had a lot less power. So with regards to finances, with regards to the ability to file for divorce, And actually what their lifestyle would be like if they did file for divorce. And I know that they're assessing countries out there. Who by the way, listen to this podcast. And they continue to have these issues or a logic stem to, and one was talking about Western societies. Great things have improved. That has been a bigger pursuit in gender equality, which has been fantastic. However, there are still some deep rooted issues. That's are passed down generation to generation. And these are implicit messages that are just in the walls of society that we end up absorbing. But it is also absorbed within our genetic coding. So I often talk about the field of epigenetics. Is his heart something that I'm super passionate about actually, but. Ultimately if historical generations have lived. Within certain rules and regulations and traumas in terms of how relationships should be and how it is that I should act. What is acceptable. What's not acceptable. What I will tolerate. And all of these different standards. It gets imprinted somewhere within our genetic coding and within our nervous system. So we literally operate from a physiological perspective. Whereby we all in some form of trauma and it might be a small T trauma. It might be a big T trauma, but we usually, our body is acting out of that state of trauma. Based on historical generations and we bring that in to our current relationship. So let's say we've got gender biases that have occurred in past relationships or in past generations. Maybe we've witnessed our parents or our grandparents. So, you know, it's just kind of something that we've picked up on in society. Whereby men have to be the providers. On men are the dominant figures. The husbands are the dominant figures. They are the king of the household. And whatever it is that they say goes. Um, the woman needs to be a bit more submissive needs to come sacrifice a career needs to look after the kids needs to cook clean. And all the rest of it, but then now we've gone into this interesting era whereby women are still cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids, but they're also going to work full time. And so the demands. On women have substantially increased, arguably and men are being told soften. They're being told to step more into their emotional side, to be more understanding and more caring and more thoughtful. And. There are also some steps that I think have been in the aim of improving society, improving wellbeing, improving equality, which is fantastic, but we're definitely not there. We're definitely not in a space where things are healthy and this will be many generations down the line. Whereby we can really operate from a clean slate. And it will be further and further generations down the line whereby. A lot of these traumas will be cleared from that genetic coding. So, so we're still, definitely not there yet. This is, you know, I'm talking hundreds of years down the line habits. Is this something really to keep in mind. So if you have hard, uh, loss of these societal messages, it's going to transpire in your relationships. So for instance, if you're a mom. You may have. This bustle inside of your unconscious mind of, I need to be a provider. I need to be strong. I need to be the alpha. I need to be holding. But simultaneously I need to soften up. I need to, uh, be emotional. And then, and then the question kind of happens. It's like, well, what does that look at? Like, and. Then I get a bit emotional, but then I might be, we can, then I need to kind of toughen up and then, and then step into the alpha mode again. You know, you'll only string the stunts and, and you're not really entirely sure what to do there. And for women. You may also step into a role whereby you are very nurturing. You're very caring. You're looking after the kids, you're looking after your partner, but then also you're wanting to step into. An arrow, why you are more self-assertive where you are really at. Summing up fuel rights while you are really. Uh, treating yourself in the best way possible. But then, you know, You're still kind of bottling with these different demands and you're like, well, what is enough? And what do I have to give? And what should I be expecting? And what should I receive? And, and, uh, you know, w. When we're kind of thinking about these territories that becomes really, really Micky. And so what happens in the relationship? Is that the roles are not defined. You don't actually know really why you stand. And you don't necessarily know what your partner wants, either all way, your partner Stans. And I'm not saying that this has to be. Uh, you know, And stern that this is not changeable. Of course these roles can change over time. But it's something super important for you to be aware of. And it's something that's really helpful to review and define because the more that you can review it. Then you can only do an audit as well as time varies on. So for instance, if you define your role as you know, what. I am happy to provide X, Y, and Z Adam really happy to provide the finances for the household to you. But for holidays, And I would really hope that you can help out with housework. For example, if that was something that was defined then great. And we can kind of do an audit on that as the weeks go on. And really review, see how that feels safe, where connected to it. See if we're aligned to it. See how that affects our wellbeing. But also our growth as a couple. But often people don't do that. And they're trying to do a lot whilst also doing nothing. If any of the content has resonated with you, please feel free to book in an absolutely complimentary discovery calls so that we can create a blueprint for you in terms of what it is that you need. To be on your journey to relationship success. And until next time, take care.