5 Reasons to Resolve Past Relationship Trauma

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationships, success tribe. So good to have you back here. And today we are going to be talking about five key reasons why it is mandatory. Absolutely mandatory that we resolve. Past relationship trauma. And this is necessary because we are unable to move towards happy and healthy relationships. Without resolving the trauma. It's almost like you're asking yourself to run a marathon, but your ankle is still broken and you've not bothered. Doing the work in terms of rehabilitation. So these are five key reasons as to why. This is absolutely mandatory. Number one. Trauma is always held in the body. The body always keeps score. Even if you're conscious. Cognitive mind. Does not remember certain traumatic events. Believe me. It's a stored somewhere in your nervous system. And this is crucial to be aware of because whenever we act from a place of trauma, Is this our never system. That is. Fest in gear. So imagine this, you go into a situation and you know, it's going to be a difficult conversation. And this could be across the board. It could be with work colleagues. It could be with your boss. It could be with your partner, your spouse, your kids, your parents, but ultimately you enter a situation. And all of a sudden it feels like you've been punched in the stomach. That's the first thing you notice. You notice your heart racing. You notice that it's difficult to breathe. You notice this tingly sensation. All of your body, you notice that you feel sick in your stomach. All of that is your body communicating that message of stored trauma from the past. And believe me if it's not resolved. With regards to the past issues. It will come back again and again, and again. And the scientific reason fullness is the limbic system, which is palsy of ALIS stress regulatory system. Um, the system that helps us to resolve session traumas. Does not. I have a timestamp. I repeat, it does not have a timestamp, which basically means that any trauma that you have experienced 10, 20, 30, 50 years ago. If it's not resolved. It will try to resolve itself right here right now. And if you have similar emotions that come up. That remind you of the past trauma or that is somehow connected of the past trauma and your body notices that connection, your subconscious mind picks up on the connection. Your. Visceral system will be kicked into gear. And so if you don't resolve past relationship traumas, Eat, we'll come back to haunt you and it will make current trial. Relationships. A far more challenging you all constantly going to be fine. Checking against your self. You're constantly going to end up in arguments or blowups or situations whereby the difficulty has just been exaggerated on the problem has escalated out of nowhere, or you are continuously suppressing yourself. And we have evidence that. These challenges. Can have a significant impact on your physical health. In terms of having more also mean illnesses in terms of having more illnesses in general, like colds or flus. In terms of you. Having more serious illnesses and diseases such as cancer stroke. Hot conditions, but also it can shorten your lifespan. I mean, we've got research head whereby they've tested 20,000. People oh, individuals, couples. And they found that women who suppress challenges. On suppressor emotions within their relationship, they are four times more likely to die compared with women who express that challenges as well. They, this isn't based on, you know, who's happy. Who's not happy. They can both, both groups of people can experience challenges. Stresses, but there is a huge difference between who suppresses and that, that gets stored from a physical standpoint. Versus people who express and actually that has a huge impact on how long we get to live. This is serious, serious stuff. So it's absolutely crucial that we hold this in mind. So number one, Is really around the necessity of releasing on resolving, stored trauma that has occurred from the past. Number two. If we are able to resolve thought past trauma. It becomes a lot easier for us to be able to restore our ability to emotionally regulate. Now the trauma that we have experienced in the past often disregulates the nerve system, which means that we are more likely to enter fight or flight or freeze or foreign responses in relationship dynamics. And it's almost like we go into autopilot. We don't think about it. We don't. Eh, intend to do it, but our body has become so used to it that it's just our automatic go-to. Or our automatic go-to is. S T keep quiet to keep the peace, because that's the thing that is just easiest. Or it is for us to go into immediate fights because again, we won't stand up for ourselves. That is the thing that we know that will help us or what we believe will help us, but actually is just more detrimental, long term. So there are so many different things. That. If we are unable to resolve on a fiscal standpoint, it means that it's really, really hard to regulate ourselves emotionally. And. When we do not symbiotic work. I E resolving the physical, stored trauma in the nervous system. Then we get to be able to restore our ability to emotionally regulate. So our threshold for managing stress changes our threshold increases. So, what that means is that we are able to face situations that could objectively be stressful, but we don't get stressed by it. We know that it's challenging, but we feel bigger than the challenge. And so the challenge doesn't distress us as much. So we really gained the sense of safety within our body. And we are really able to regulate our emotions. And I'd like to divide this in a couple of different categories. So the first category is. Emotional regulation, which is basically to say our baseline stress level. We all have slightly different, different baseline stress levels. So some of us. Have got a higher level of stress as a baseline, and that might be due to various environmental foxes. It could be T to genetics. But some of us have also got a lower baseline stress. And what I would say is that we all have the potential of reducing our baseline stress level. However, We need to work on this. Um, part of it is through my work around utilizing epigenetics and it's something that I heavily lean into with my wife and my clients. So if you are ever interested in hearing more about it, I would love to help you out. But ultimately it's his really about how do we shift our genetic coding? By tapping into certain points of the nervous system, but also tapping into. Our subconscious mind. So that we eliminate some of these stressors, which means that our baseline stress reduces that means that we can deal with most stuff in life. And if you think about the impact that that would have across life, it is huge. We are better at work. We are better in our relationship, obviously. With our partner. And I'm sure that your partner will very much appreciate that because you're more patient, you don't snap as easy you communicate what it is that you actually think and need. So they're not doing a lot of guesswork. Your relationship with your kids would improve your relationship with your parents would improve with your coworkers. Everything then improves. And not only that, if you're a business owner, if your senior managers see sweets exact. You need to be emotionally regulated because you are making big decisions throughout the day. And if you are leading with stress, believe me, your decisions, all going to be Paul. And so it's important that you operate from a place of emotional regulation. Now the second category that I would say is really around distress tolerance. So distress tolerance is something that's slightly different and I've alluded to it a little bit before, but it's really about. How we get to tolerate assessing level of distress or stress. And not become a distressed by the situation. So it's about how do we grow? Like physically, how do we grow? How do we become beggar? Then the issue of stress. So the situation is stressful, but we do not get stressed by it. And there are various different techniques that we can use. And some of it is. Really drawn from DVT, but. A lot of it is really about how do we start integrating the two around emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Because if we're able to get that, then you can operate from a much more optimal state. And so you can handle conflict. A lot easier. You can not be so reactive all the time. You're not in crisis mode firefighting, but actually you can really think more proactively and generally be. Bats as a human being overall and a better partner. Okay. Number three. Is really around breaking the cycle of trauma responses in relationships? No. When we're talking about historical relationship traumas, this could be. A number of different things. And I'm going to quickly tap into some of them, but one of them might be issues around abuse. Some of it might be airy she's around codependency. Some of that might be issues around attachments and insecure types of attachments. So anxious or avoidant. And whichever place you come from. Even when you enter an adult relationship. So new person. New situation. And then you think, oh great. I can operate from a clean slate. Believe me, you will not coming from a clean sites because we all have baggage. You have baggage from the past and not so gay. We all have baggage. It's just, how do we process that baggage so that we can let go of the stuff that no longer serves us. And we can really use our authentic self and really progress and really heal ourselves within this process. So let's talk about breaking the cycle now. If we haven't processed our own baggage, any new relationship that we enter at the start might seem all roses. But as time goes on, we cannot only show the best parts of ourselves in the relationship because inevitably we end up showing more and more parts of ourselves as the relationship goes on. And if we don't, if you're highly avoidant and you'll really close off, It becomes very challenging for your partner to really get to know you, but. If you're with somebody who's securely attached and you are either very avoidance or you are heavily leaning into codependency patterns whereby you feel the need to be needed. And you are trying to ensure that your partner needs you. Uh, or if you're highly anxious and your. Uh, seeking reassurance to a level that is beyond excessive. If you're with somebody who securely attached, you has stout with their own traumas who is able to operate from a cleaner and more conscious state. They are unlikely to. Maintain that relationship because actually it does not fit with what it is that they want, what it is that they need. And they're not. Entering the relationship to rescue you and also gay, right? Because that's not what an adult relationship is about. They're not your parents. They're not back to parent you and to get you to a different state. However, however. What this means is that if you don't resolve your traumas, You are more likely to, and next that pattern again, it might look a bit different on the surface, but there will be very similar core themes under the surface. And you are more likely to attract somebody who will fit into that trauma pattern as well. And so you are just constantly operating from trauma cycle to trauma cycles, trauma cycle, and. Your operating unconsciously, our subconscious mind governance, 95% of our actions. So if you're constantly operating from the space of being unconscious, because you've not done the work. Then your relationships. Just have one of two ways to go there either end, because you've answered a relationship with somebody who has done the work. And they're not willing to tolerate it. Or you enter a relationship with somebody who also has not done the work. And you just repeat the same cycle again and again, in the gap. So. When you aren't really able to resolve these issues of the past. And when you become more consciously aware of your patterns, what you're more likely to do, what your tendencies are, whether it be this needs to be needed. Y that it's a lots of anxiety in terms of how it is that you're perceived. And so you shift your behaviors, but actually it means that you're oppressed a lot. And you don't get a lot of your needs mat, then it becomes incredibly challenging because you are ultimately just repeating the same cycle again. And again. So. One of the other reasons as to why it's so important is who that you can finally break the trauma cycle. And I'll tell you this now, it's not that you all going to completely end the cycle. And eh, you know, you go from day one way or doing all cycles. And then second day you've completely broken parts. And in that sense, It takes time. And as time progresses. You become more and more conscious, but the more conscious you become the more. Abel you all to make appropriate decisions and you aren't able to face hard questions towards yourself in terms of what would be in your best interest. What would be the most important thing for the welfare of you and the welfare of your relationship so that you can have a healthier nurturing relationship? Okay. Number four. Having an awareness of your internal triggers. And this really relates to being aware of the mind and body connection. I know I talk about the body a lot, but the body is so important. We cannot possibly talk about psychology without involving the body because we live in our body and our body gives us so many cues. And whether or not, we know it, we operate using signals from our body and that's the thing that comes out. So it comes out in our behaviors and it comes out the NAR emotions. So I'll ask you this question. How many of you have SATs? Perhaps in a meeting or in a networking event, and a question was posed and you felt like you may have known the answer, but you weren't too sure. And you kind of didn't want to stand out just in case. And you have this kind of mental dilemma, but in that moment you decided to not say anything. Now when you don't say anything that may have been because your body immediately responded saying, Hey, I feel a little bit anxious here, and I don't want to put myself out there for being stupid, but. What actually happens if we were to really slow down this process is that your fight or flight system would have been activated. So you would have immediately had that visceral response of the threat system. So the sympathetic nervous system that worked, that would have been activated. And. What you would have made. Sense of fat system. I E V cognitive interpretation is, oh, if my heart is racing here. And I feel a bit tense and my stomach, and I feel a bit collapsed in my throat. If that's what's happening, the sunset I make of it is that this is a serious question. And people are looking for an intelligent answer. And I don't know if I have the answer. I don't know if I can quite meet that criteria. Of what it is that they might be looking for. And so we start doubting ourselves and it's through that doubt, then we suppress. And. We could go another way. For example, we cause. I feel the sneeze to appear very intelligent. And so we go off and we try to be the most intelligent individual possible in the room, in the planets. And when we're doing that. We all really building the sense of security with an all selves of. Okay. Great. If I. Again, ask the question, then I've got the answers. I could do it, blah, blah, blah. But here's the thing you then end up stopping yourself from ever learning anything more because you believe that you have. Got it all you believe that you've lent it all. So even with this little example, you can see how it can put you in a really challenging. State and I'm talking about something that's kind of quite broad. But we're really talking about the importance of being aware of your bodily sensations and how that impacts you in terms of your cognitive interpretation. So the thoughts that come up with it, but also your emotional responses now. Let's be more specific when it comes to relationships because. The more mindful you are of certain visceral responses. Then you are better able to recognize. At what point do you get triggered? Now I'm just going to pause and really make a very class statement. And I hope that you hold this in mind. There is a difference between being triggered. From being abused. Being abused is when your partner does something that is actively hurtful and actively damaging and they aren't doing it from a space of malice. Okay. That is obese and that's not. Okay. However, triggered is something very different. Because when you are triggered, the trigger actually belongs to you. So, have you ever considered why two different people might be facing the exact same situation or the same exact conversation with that partner? Respectively and. Both individuals feel very different about the conversation. One person might feel extremely anxious and they might feel very, very triggered while the other person doesn't. And the conversation is exactly the same. It's difficult. It's challenging. They're having to hear things that you don't necessarily want to hear. But these two people respond in very different ways to what you would objective we say is the exact same situation. The reason being is that the trigger is never outside of you. The trigger is not the situation, but the trigger is actually the thing that lives inside of you. The trigger is your emotional experience of that situation. And what it is that you have got is stored core beliefs, which are typically subconscious. Your core beliefs about that situation. So the person who might feel really anxious of that situation, and they've got all that sematic experience that the physical sensation of anxiety, they may believe that having a difficult conversation is dangerous. They may believe that having a difficult conversation means that the relationship is over that they are disliked that they are not good enough, that they are not witnessed, that they are not seen. That is what they might believe. But all of that is that trigger and it is relating to that deep wounds. And this is the thing that we really into resolved because the wounds are attached to the trauma. However Pesa number two, again, they're facing the same difficult situation. Difficult conversation. But they don't feel triggered and they don't feel triggered because they believe they are worthy of being heard, worthy of being understood, worthy of communicating what it is that they want as well. And so it becomes a lot easier for them to be able to hear something that they don't necessarily like as well, because they use that situation to be able to navigate towards what it is that they deeply want. So they're not coming from a wounded place and therefore they are not triggered. So, this is also incredibly huge fees. Consider number four, which I've just spoken about is being aware of the body and. Uh, your emotions because the triggers are always going to live in your body and that always going to come up. And number five. Last, but not least it is really around fostering a sense of safety and a sense of trust. Now I can talk a little bit about the hormonal impacts of a relationship as well as more the subconscious imparts of relationship. But if roots are just steel with the whole mental side of things for a moment, Now. When we develop a bond with somebody there's a loss of oxytocin that gets released and that can get released through Saks, through cuddling, through kissing. But ultimately it is the hormone that supports bonding. And so we then feel a lot closer to our partner when that hormone gets released. In a safe, secure, trusting relationship. It's beautiful. Because that hormone. Oxytocin. It comes with a clean slate. It comes with a regulated nervous system. And so what happens is that our par. We we all living in our power sympathetic nervous system mode. And we also experience bonding at the same time. However, if you come from a price of trauma or a place of high levels of stress, What happens is that you have got a loss of stress, hormones, stress chemicals floating about in your system. Primarily cortisol. And you may have adrenaline as well, but primarily quilts Saul and the, and that will be lingering around in your system. And so what happens is that when you also experienced. Bonding. As well as a high level of stress. Your body starts to go into the state of conflict and. What it then starts to do is it starts to associate. Love with stress. It starts to associate bonding with trauma. And that as you can imagine, would be incredibly toxic, but incredibly challenging because then it leads us into a state whereby we believe that love. Should include some level of stress. And if it does not include some level of stress, It cannot be love. So we also have sickly reject the idea of a safe, secure. Mundane type of love. We see it as mundane. We see it as boring because it's not stressful. And so you automatically reject it even though. It is safer to secure his, his consistent is reliable. We know what we're getting. We know what we want. Everything's transparent, but we ended up rejecting it because it's not stressful. And therefore we believe it. Can't be love. And the only type of relationship that we ended up going for is the one that is going to cause us a lot of stress, where there is a lots of intense highs and lows. And his, the other, um, kicker as well. That if we do not experience the high and low, the intense stress in thought relationship. We are going to call sets. So we all going to enter. Arguments. We're going to evoke how partner, but also we all going to vocal selves. And cause ourselves to be more stress than what we initially were. And it's kind of like we talk ourselves into these situations because we believe that stress would cultivate love the resolution of this stressful situation or this trauma would cultivate a deeper understanding. Or a deeper sense of bonding and. That's not really the case. Um, it's not to say that you're obviously, you know, couples and I work with couples all the time. Couples who have experienced trauma together. Couples who have experienced infidelity or they've experienced a disconnection when they've struggled to trust one another, they've become, you know, less and less integrated as a whole. That is very possible to heal. It's very possible to resolve. But if people have to really be committed to doing the work. But it goes back to my original point in terms of why is this absolutely necessary to resolve. Puffs traumas so that you can move into a healthier state. So that you can have a better sense of self, but also you can be more fully present in your relationship. And so if you are able to resolve some of these issues so that you, so that you uncouple stress on bonding so that you can create a situation where bonding feels safe, why connection. Feels secure, why you are able to trust if you are able to get to that state. Then the whole game changes. And you are able to foster. A greater sense of safety and security within your relationship. You are more likely to be vulnerable and open with your partner and you are more likely to be able to strengthen that emotional bond. And have a stronger foundation with one another. And if any of this resonates with you. I've got a free downloadable. Quiz for you, which is in the show notes below. And it is really about the relationship strengths and weaknesses. So please go ahead and download it and have a look at your relationship health, because the more that we understand that the more that you are then able to utilize your strengths and really create something that is more resilient. And of course, if you are ever interested in any of the work that I've just spoken about. So I am available for a free consultation and I would be more than happy to help you on your onward journey to relationship success.