5 Pink Flags: When They Become Red Flags or Green Flags

Transcript

0:05

Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello relationships, success, tribe. So good to have you here because today we all going to be talking about the differences between pink, red, and green flags. And if you're somebody who scrolls on social media, Or you listen to lots of podcasts or read books. You will see. Right. Flags often spoken about. But what's really confusing. Is this great territory? It's the stuff in the middle. It's the stuff that requires a little bit more discernment because there are also some signs that you can pick up on. Which you may immediately consider is a red flag, but there are certain signs that you then start to question. Is this truly a red flag or could it potentially be a green flag? How do I make sense of this? So we're really going to talk about the alt of discernments, which is really assessing the situation. And seeing whether it becomes a red flag. Or a green flag in your relationship. So ultimately pink flags. All social warning signs. And even though they're not immediate deal breakers like red flags, it does suggest that something needs to be improved and that's okay. Because in any relationship there will be challenges that is normal, that is to be expected. And what is necessary is that we prepare ourselves and we all willing, and we all committing to putting in the effort. To either flag up the pink flags. To take on board sets and bits of feedback. And to just stop behaviors so that we can move forward in a healthy and happy way. So I've got five really important pink flags for you to be aware of. And consider, are they going to turn into red flags or are they going to turn into green flags? Number one? Avoiding difficult conversations. Now this might be an obvious one. But. Uh, loss of clients that come to me, they often tell me things like, well, I don't really understand. I read about the stuff and avoiding difficult conversations. Surely that's a red flag. Surely that's a red flag and they kind of get immediate into the red flag. And I would argue that's not necessarily the case. And sometimes people avoid difficult conversations because they don't know how to deal with it. First of all, they may have never developed the skill. Of having that difficult conversation. They might not be able to tolerate hearing something that's difficult. They might not feel confident in themselves to say something that's difficult. And there might be really frightened that if they do say that difficult thing, They don't know. If it would end the relationship that you don't know. If you would not want to be with them, if they are having that difficult conversation with you. So sometimes people avoid that difficult conversation. From a place of stonewalling. Which, uh, that that can be unhelpful. And we'll talk about that in a second, but sometimes people avoid difficult conversations. Because the coming from place affair. It's not because they don't think difficult conversations are necessary or helpful at some point. But they just don't know how to go bounce it. And they're really SCAD of being able to do that. And that requires a bit of support. So, this is really why we need to really assess the situation. So the pink flag of avoiding difficult conversations is let's say, for example, your partner seems to be reluctant to discuss something that is deeper. Something that's really important. So it could be a bigger commitment, like future goals. It could be finances. Or it could be opening up. About Sesson vulnerabilities and session triggers and certain wounds. So the way in which they respond to potential questions or when you pose the topic to them. As that they might deflect it. Or there might shut it down really quickly and change the subjects. Whenever that conversation arises. So when it becomes a red flag is if they can, systemly avoid these difficult conversations and the way in which they respond is they are either that go into immediate attack. So, for example, if a question is being brought up about where's this relationship going or what all the future plans was the commitment here. If those kinds of things are being brought up, they immediately go into attack and say, why do you want so much for me? Why are you demanding so much for me? Isn't that? Okay. Just the way it is. Hey, have you not seen how much I've given to you so far? And she went out. She ended up seeing signs of gaslighting and the turn, the tables. And it becomes really, really difficult, Tom compensation. The other thing that you might experience is that they literally respond with the silent treatment. They've said she wants that they don't want to talk about it, or they just obviously show with nonverbal cues. So the way that they look, the way that they half. The way that they walk away, the way that they slam the door, but to ultimately you see signs that then all okay. Having that conversation and. If it is ever brought up, then you end up being silenced or you get silent treatment. And basically it's assignment that unwilling to engage in that conversation. Um, with that. There is a lot of emotional immaturity. So they've not developed the capacity of considering somebody else's needs. They've not developed the capacity for empathy. They've not developed the capacity for mental icing. Mentalizing is really this idea of knowing that I know something. I think and feel something. You may think and feel a know very different things. And the only way that we can be forward. Is by postponing what I think. And hearing you out and vice versa, but. These individuals. Find it really difficult to perform that act, but that that's absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. So that's really the right flag. However green flag. Maybe is, let's say your partner, husband reluctance. And they change the conversation really quickly when it comes up. But that open to recognizing that they changed the conversation quickly. They are open to admitting that they find that conversation really difficult to have. So it's not necessarily that they've gone. Delving deep into that conversation, but they have knowledged the fact that they have tried avoiding that conversation or the knowledge, the fact that they find this conversation really difficult to have. And so they sidestep it. They try to walk away. And if they knowledge that. That's is incredible. That is definitely a green flag, because what it shows is that they recognize that capacity. They recognize their emotional response to that particular conversation. They recognize that. Challenges when having that conversation. So there is some level of awareness and awareness is the key step first step for anything. So from that we can really build and consider this idea of well, how can we create a psychologically safe. Territory. How is it that we can. Really build trust. How is it that we can build security, build that sense of supports, where you're being held, where you're being held in mind, even if you're not necessarily physically present at the same moment in time. But it's really this idea of experiencing a deeper, emotional connection. Why, you know, you are held with safety with your best. Intentions with the best intentions for you in mind. And when that happens, Then it's easier for your partner to then start opening up into really discuss topics that can be difficult, but they are willing to go there. They are willing to take that step. Because they know that there's that sense of protection that. So that in itself is incredibly important. And guess what? We all have session areas that we are not comfortable talking about. But the difference really is your acknowledgement. Are you acknowledging the fact that you find this difficult to talk about and you need to develop a certain level of safety or sets and promises in order to talk about it. Or are you outright rejecting it? And that's really why we get to decide and really assess the situation, whether it's a green flag or whether it's red flag. Okay. Number two. Having different approaches to conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. That's okay. We are all going to disagree. But the best thing for any relationship. Is learning how to argue in a healthy way. That's is a thing that is really going to determine people who end in divorce versus people who actually live out life together and have the best. Most loving, healthiest, safest relationship. It is really about how do we learn. To Augie. And believe me, you do not want to learn how to argue during the middle of an argument. You want to be able to develop that skill. Outside of an argument when you're both on the same team, because when you're on the same team, then you know how to move forward. And so when the argument does occur, At least there is a backup plan. You know what your default mode is, what their default mode is and you know, what is needed in order to move that conversation forward. But the second one really to consider is the different approaches to conflict. So the pink flag, the thing that might be. You know, a bit questionable is let's say your partner withdrawals. Or they become overly accommodating in certain conflicts. And so your partner becomes super, super diplomatic. They become the yes man or the S woman. And they. Go along to get along. So ultimately they become super passive and they're simply just wanting that conversation to be over and done with. But. What they do is that they leave issues unresolved, or they end up suppressing that emotions. So. The real challenges that they are experiencing. Never actually come to the surface. They may think that they are doing what is in best service to the relationship, but actually in the long term, we end up with more and more resentment. And that is some tree such that shows how this can bleed out into other areas of life that actually people stop performing worse at work. People stopped. It being more short tempered with other. People. So family members, kids that colleagues, parents, whoever it might be. And this resentment can really become a huge, huge burden within their relationship. And it will come out in other ways. But here's the difference really? Between where, whether it becomes a red flag or a green flag. So let's say this pattern continues where your partner is. Withdrawing. They've come. Very accommodating in conflicts. They don't really voice themselves. Then you end up with a huge amount of passive aggressive behavior. And that's really because of the. Unresolved resentment. And they don't feel like that they are a part of the relationships. So you, as a partner, you might not know necessarily that this has been going on, but what you see are two very extreme sides of your partner. You have one hand. Were they all very passive. They just say yes and just do you and just get along and they're very, very quiet. They kind of prioritize your needs. But at the same time, it's got a stink to it every single time. And so you end up feeling like you are walking on eggshells because on one hand objectively, you could say, well, That being nice saying yes to me, that going along with what it is, I'm saying. But at the same time you get the huffs, you get the. Sense that they're really angry. You get most silence from them. They don't really sharing with you or they snap at you. And so then it just becomes really, really challenging, but at the same time, That unable to really resolve. The Depot rooted conflict. However, this is the green flag. So if both individuals are again, willing to consider that conflict is difficult. And they need to figure out a way in which they can resolve conflict. That would be really helpful. But what we have to do is number one. Recognize what is our default mood when we view conflict? So for example, my default mood might be to say yes, to agree, to stop the conversations, shut my mouth. And I do that because I feel really scared and I don't know what to do. However, the way that you resolve conflict might be through. Being very open. It might be through being confrontational. It might be through labeling it as it is, as it comes along. And there is nothing stopping you. And you do that because you just wants to get the issue. Over in dusted. It's not because you're wanting to be horrible. It's because you literally just want this out of the way and also your lives so that you can move on. And if you're able to have that conversation outside of a conflict. Like I said before the west time to learn how to argue with one another is during an argument, you actually need to learn this outside of an argument. But if you festival. Identify. What is your default mode? When you start to argue what you're more likely to do, And you understand why your partner might respond in that way. So you have empathy, you can understand them, they can understand you. So you're not in resentment with one another. And then you think, oh my God, why is my partner being so. Uh, confrontational. It's really, really intimidating, but our chief, we stance when sandal actually, they're not trying to be intimidating. What they're trying to do is help both of us move forward. Or if you start to understand, actually my partner isn't necessarily. Trying to ignore the bigger issue, but they're just really scattered having this conversation. If we're able to understand what's going on for our partner in these moments. Then it helps us figure out. Okay. So what's the plan? What are we going to do when these things come up? Do you consent? Are you committing to making that effort of, instead of not saying anything that you actually say something. Or is there a way that you can say a word. That might sound like a bit of a random word. Or a safe word. So let's say for an argument so that we know that something is wrong and there is something that you're wanting to say. How is it that we can start to create a safe space so that we can have that conversation, that conflict. So that we can. Really. Recognize both individuals, what their needs are, what their viewpoints are, and really move to a place whereby we end in agreements. We might not necessarily want the same things. We are not necessarily going to be aligned, but actually we get to a point of acceptions with one another. And the issue that conflict. Has been discussed. And we have found some kind of mutual ground. Y we can work on it, where it is a workable issue. And so we are able to move forward. But again, it is really a bounce figuring out how it is that we can argue outside of an argument. That is the thing that is really going to shift you in T experiencing that as a green flag. I'd like to step in at the stage to say that I am on a mission to help as many people as possible to reach relationship's success. And you would be helping me out more than you could possibly know by subscribing to this podcast. Rating it. And sharing it with a friend. And if you do that, I've got to totally free values, compatibility workbook that will help you and your partner feel more connected whilst being your authentic selves. Now, this workbook is not available anywhere, but I'm giving it to you. Absolutely free. If you can send me a message on the details in the show notes below sharing the love for this podcast. Thank you. Okay. Number three. Inconsistent efforts or attention. And this one I have to comment about. Um, and I'm kind of laughing at the same time I was talking about this, but it is a really serious thing. I cannot tell you how much I see on social media. How inconsistent efforts or inconsistent attention is a red flag. And I mean, I've not done the research on this, but I can pretty much guarantee this and I'm going to put my reputation on the line here that I can pretty much guarantee that let's say 90 plus percent. Of messages out there on social media. So things like, uh, I don't know, Instagram TechTalk, whatever else. That say inconsistent. Efforts is an absolute red flag. It's almost like, boom. That is an immediate red flag. That is it. Here's my issue with it. It's it. It's not really. And it also requires discernment. So here's the thing, it's a pink flag. If your partner's level of effort or attention fluctuates. So for example, there are times when they are super attentive. Where they're super affectionate that calling you, they're messaging you, that turning up at your place. Or it could be that they are sending you flowers at work, whatever it might be, but, you know, they they're really attentive. And then they just move into a space where they seem indifference. Right. I can understand why a lots of people out let's say that this is an absolute red flag and it is a red flag. If. We continue in this space. I don't mind. There is a level of manipulation. So I'm really referencing issues such as gaslighting. And there is a lack of commitment. That's is really one. It is a red flag. So if the consistency. Is a sign of emotional inavailability. So let's say this individual. Is emotionally underdeveloped. And they themselves, uh, not ready for a relationship or they're not ready for a deep level of commitment, but somehow they've just ended up in a situation. Wow. Apparently there is a level of commitments to you, but not to them. And so that kind of in this Pega tree territory, But ultimately deep down, if somebody was to ask them, Hey, are you looking for commitments? They would say, oh, well kind of, but no, not really. The manipulation really comes in where, when the raw moments of very intense engagement or very intense effort and attention, the manipulation might come up in signs such as. Oh, you all the best thing. this relationship. It fills me with so much joy. I'm so happy. I'm so in love, this is at, this is for me. This is for me. This is for me. And they talk about. Oh, my goodness, the castle in the sky that we all going to live in. Right. The beautiful life that we are going to have together, the beach full feature that we're going to have with together. But when they talk about it, E it all feels very much cool. It all feels very fun. You know, like a fun to say. And there's very little substance behind it because that is spoken about. But the next day, there's lack of commitment. And they don't respond. Or they're a bit more distant. They're a bit more indifferent. And it becomes really challenging because then you don't know what's happened, but what they also might respond to you is, is show we had a connection, but I mean, all we really going to get married. Uh, are we really in that space of commitment and all of a sudden they turn it. Explicitly downstream that commitment. If you're trying to have that conversation with them. And in that way, it feels like you are being gaslit because ultimately. What you all talking about is. Being skewed. And the messages that you were told previously, you're now being told, Hey, I didn't say that. And so that can become incredibly confusing and incredibly distressing. But give it a few weeks, few months. Then your bank in that space with very high engagement, very high attention. And this is really a cycle of trauma bonding and that can become very, very toxic. So in that moment, yes, it is an absolute red flag. However. Let's talk about green flags. In this situation. So. I have had a number of clients whereby inconsistent effort or inconsistent attention has actually turned itself into a green flag. So if the inconsistency is due to. Unforeseeable. Life circumstances, and it's also understandable life circumstances. So for example, I've had couples whereby a parent, one of the parents of either couple have. Past right. That's quite sick. That's a significant loss. Or they have lost friends. And I'm not necessarily talking about the passing away of friends, but it could be that that friendship cycle has ruptured and they no longer speed sets and friends. Or it could be set an issues with that kids. It could be sets and issues at work. And I'm not justifying the inconsistent effort here. But I'm saying that this person has limited resources. And they have not. Been able to allocate resources to the relationship. Whether it be intentionally, they can't allocate it or unintentionally, they're not able to allocate it, but ultimately they've not allocated that emotional investment as a resource into the relationship they're trying, but they can't fully be present. And, you know, I've worked with people where they have. Really struggled with their mental health. For various different reasons. And when they're in that space of really struggling. They cannot show their full selves. Within that relationship. So I hear this phrase quite often that our relationships should be 50 50, and I completely disagree. Our relationship should strive for a hundred, a hundred. Absolutely however, That doesn't always happen because we're all human. Right. We don't necessarily achieve thoughts. But if somebody is really struggling, Within themselves, they can't show up. Because they're not themselves. Right. And so instead of them trying to show up at a hundred or even 50. They show Pakistan, they show up as 20 and it's not because they're not wanting to commence. It's just that they literally are not by. And that's really when we can start to work with it. And then it really transfers into a green flag. So it really does. Depend on how well they are able to recognize the fact that there are inconsistent. I recognize that it is an ongoing issue because of whatever circumstances. Is that they're going through, including our mental health. And that also able to communicate bounce it. So that's really when it can be workable. And that's really, when we require a bit of patience, that's when let's say your partner is only able to give you 20, actually, you're going to need to bump it up and you're going to need to give a lot more so that you are. That is. As a form of support. But you also then start to notice that they do show signs of genuine commitment to the relationship despite fluctuations. So that's sign of commitment to the relationship is that they still want to give you a hug or that they still sit next to you, that they still want to be in the same room with you, that they. Are wanting to speak about certain things or even if they don't want speak that they are still wanting to remain in silence, but in your presence. So the Ross still says and signs that they are showing genuine commitment to you on the relationship, despite the fluctuations. Despite them not being fully there. Themselves. Number four. Having different social or family values. Now when we approach a partner. They are not going to be identical to us, nor should they be. That's absolutely fine. But a pink flag. Maybe if you notice that your partner has different views on, let's say family dynamics, how is that? We should raise the kids. Or how is that? We discipline the kids. How is it that we connect with our parents, with our friends, if they have a different social life, if they have a different lifestyle choice, or if they have different cultural expectations. So for example, they might want something that is a bit more traditional. Or they might want something that is far more adventurous, right? So let's say we notice that there are different. Uh, values and different lifestyle choices. Now. The red flag would be is fine. If these differences lead to a sense of judgements, negative judgment, I'm talking bounce. Uh, sense of criticism. Or a sense of control and punishments. If these. Forms were enacted. So let's say for example, if you are somebody who is. Very spiritual. And you have very religious. But your partner was a complete atheist or at least was really non-religious specific, but if they weigh continuously, negatively judging you for your belief system. Or Eve they then started to criticize you or they then started to punish you and kind of, I suppose more subtle ways. So it might not obviously look like punishment, but it is a form of punishment. So for example, if you're guessing the silent treatment. Or if you're getting social humiliation, I mean, both things are forms of emotional abuse and manipulation on betrayal, but let's say that's the caring, then it can become incredibly challenging in that it's really ultimately a red flag. So when lifestyle choices, a different. But you end up getting penalized for those differences. And that is no sense of expansiveness when I'm talking about expansiveness. I'm not saying that you guys have to be exactly the same that you have to be operating the same, that you have to be doing the same and that you kind of have to. Uh, act count the same to the same degree. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking by expansiveness is your level of ability to accept what they do. In terms of that lifestyle choice, as long as it doesn't destroy. Your wellbeing as well, you know, so as long as it's not a harmful on you, but it's really about your level of expanding yourself. That you are able to accept these differences and deeply accept these differences. So you might admire these differences. So let's go with a religion example. So you might not be religious, but you look at your partner and you look at how much faith they have. And even though you might not subscribe to it. You find it admirable, you find something to balance. It is so peaceful. And actually it's something that you really appreciate about your partner. And then it becomes a green flag. If there is room for that respectful discussion for that mutual and standing for that expansiveness on that level of acception says. That is something that is incredibly impulsive because not Swen these lifestyle choices on these value systems, uh, different can be negotiated. Um, it can be balanced. And actually you would develop more as a human being for stepping into that level of expensiveness, because you'd be able to appreciate a different side of life that you would have never been introduced. You. If it will sort of feel partner. So you don't actually end up, I mean, your partner a lot, because even though you might not subscribe to it, you might not do the same thing. But you learn a heck of a lot on that is so much more appreciation for all the qualities that you do not possess that maybe sometimes you wish you did possess them. Okay. Number five last but not least. Limited. Emotional expression. Ooh, what do I mean by this? Now. I think things have changed. Or you have time across the generations, particularly now that the is a lot more being spoken about in the field of mental health and emotions and how important it is for us to be open about certain things. And I think that's all fantastic. But. We've still got away to go That there were still people who really struggle with expressing that emotions or opening up, talking about issues that can be. Sensitive. Where they feel really vulnerable. And what's important very mind here is that your vulnerability is not necessarily that vulnerability. So we may perceive session topics to have different levels of sensitivity. And I'll give you an example. This might sound like a bit of a bizarre example, but it's one that's true for me. And. Just wants to share it with you. So when I was pregnant. I told people I was pregnant and I told people I was pregnant maybe around about the 12 week mark. So I just hopped my Fest scan and I was okay. Telling people about that. I felt that that was an appropriate thing to do. But I mentioned it to a family member, a distant relative of mine, and she was shocked. She was absolutely shocked that I would ever. I express this. At this stage. And I was asking her, well, what do you mean? And she was saying, no, no, it's an incredibly sensitive topic. It's an incredibly sensitive issue. If you are pregnant, that's not something that you should be disclosing actually. No, I mean, when the baby comes show, you tell people that you've had a baby, but not when you're pregnant. And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, wow, that's, that's quite. That's quite unusual for me anyway. That's what I thought at the time. But for her, it made perfect sense because she was operating from a space where she was really anxious. She was really fearful and not coming through any. Point of malice or anything of the salts, but it was moved for the fact that she was saying, well, we'll see if something. Awful happened to your baby. During the pregnancy Watts, if something awful happened to you and you're pregnant during this moment and then what happens. And so she was kind of creasing all of these. Problems he's made a problems inside of her mind, but to her, they were real risk issues. And so she was saying, no, I mean, that's incredibly difficult and you have to be really vulnerable to Shabbat with other people. And so. We point here is that. What I see as being sensitive might not be the same as what you see as being sensitive. And that's the same with any couple. Within any relationships. So if your partner is really struggling to express emotions or open up, particularly when they feel vulnerable, But in itself is not a red flag. That is a pink flag. And they might just really struggle to communicate about letter emotions. However, it turns into a red flag. If that emotional availability becomes a barrier to deeper intimacy. So. So they either shut down. When you are trying to connect him racially and they might shut down by really pushing you away by emotionally disconnecting by basically turning off that light switch to that emotions. And so. Then it becomes really difficult because you're in a relationship with this individual. But the individual isn't that at least not their emotional side, functionally, practically, physically the, that, but it's really hard to have that level of emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy. Is really the thing that glues us together within relationships. It's really the thing that allows us to feel more human. I'm more connected to one another. So if that's missing, That is going to put a huge, huge strain on your relationship. And I don't know how long it's going to last or at least I don't know how happy you'll be in that relationship. And this particularly red flag, if they all own willing to work on it. However. The limited emotional expression can become a green flag if they aren't self-aware. So if they are aware that they have difficulties talking about emotional. A shoes. Topics that feel sensitive topics where they feel vulnerable, they are aware that they find that challenging. And they're willing to explore how to improve it. They're willing to explore. That well, a couple of things they're willing to explore festival. That emotions because often people who all limited in their emotional expressions, they actually don't look at their emotions themselves. Let alone opening up to let you looking at them. So festival. Are they willing to explore their emotions and really understand what our emotions are. They willing to sit with the icky, feeling themselves for themselves in a space container. So that can be. In therapy that can be in coaching. And you know, this is something that I do day in, day out, support clients. So I do it with couples also with individuals, but it's really about how do we stay with the achy on our own. And when we do that. Then we are able to improve our ability cheat. Communicate our emotion to the partner. And so that's really by creating safe space. That's really by creating boundaries by understanding the remits by. Really having that level of trust and that level of faith. So it's at that point when that green. With that pink flag. Can it become a green flag? So in this way, you can really grow that emotional intimacy with one another, and this would be profound. And improving any form of relationship because you would feel that other person and they would feel you, you are together. You are in it. You are deep and that's has the power of being the best relationship of your life. And if anything in this episode resonates with you, please feel free to hit the link below, to schedule in a free consultation call, where we can develop a roadmap, achieve your relationship's success, and until then take care.