Reigniting the 'spark'. "My partner is a stranger", emotionally reconnecting after success and kids

End emotional disconnection and negative cycles in your relationship, start communicating better, speaking each other's love language, and feel emotionally safe whilst being vulnerable.

Transcript

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We all always delude ourselves to the point of believing that we are committed when we really aren't. We are committed to a particular outcome that we want, not necessarily to what is deeply truthful of the situation. We have to be okay in accepting the risk that you know what, this might not actually work out. This relationship. Might not be the right one. We may have worked well together. At one point we may have. Been able to raise the kids well together, we may have. Uh, created something. But actually now, when we're looking at each other, we don't actually like each other. We don't like each others traits. We don't like each other's lifestyles and, and it's not workable. It's just not my hate you, not the. You know, I've got any bad feelings towards you, but it's just not workable. And we have to be okay with that. Do I really want to dedicate my life to this human being and do I want this human being to dedicate their lives to me? Do I really deeply wants to make this work. And with that, there is several things to consider. we get so obsessed with that stuff. That we really lose sight of what is important, what really matters, what we should be connecting to as human beings. Come to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and become relationship fats. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning psychologist, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs have happy and healthy relationships. Please if you've not done so already get your free health quiz. So you can find out a bit more about what areas you're needing to work on as well as what areas you're good at. Without further ado on with our journey to your relationship's success. This may or may not surprise you, but I would heavily argue that the biggest problems you face in your relationship, whether it be an intimate relationship, whether it be firmly, whether it be friends, whether it be coworkers, but any form of relationship. Is really an issue of disconnect. And I'm going to break this down a little bit further, but often people don't realize this. And, uh, I have a lots of business owners. C-suite exacts, I've got a lot of entrepreneurs and they come to me and they say, you know what, I'm smashing it at work. I've been able to develop something so great. And I'm doing all of this for my family. I'm doing all of this, my partner. And the pursuit is a noble pursuit that they're wanting to be better. And they're wanting to create generational wealth and wanting to create something that their partner would be proud of, that their kids would be proud of that actually they're developing a lifestyle for that family. To maintain safety, but also to be able to explore the world, to be able to live a life that you may have only ever dreamed of. And the pursuit is really noble. But the reality. It doesn't quite happen that way. And more from the night I have people coming to me saying things like. I just don't know if my wife loves me anymore. I don't know if my husband loves me anymore. I don't know if they're sleeping around with somebody else. We've not actually slept together, not even in the same bed for however many months, even years at times. And I've been so focused in, on either working really hard or looking after the kids that. It just seems like there's just not been enough space for us. And invariably, they might say things like, oh, you know what? We've been so busy that we've just not had enough time. We've been busy with this. We've been busy with that. Like, you know, we've not really thought too much about us. And I would argue that is the issue, because believe me, it is never about a time management issue. It is a priority issue. It is a policy management issue. And if you're prioritizing work, that is your priority. You might end up allocating a lot of time to it. But it's because it's your property. If your family was your priority, you'd end up allocating time to that. Or if your partner was piracy, you'd end up allocating time to that. It is all a mature party. But unfortunately, We have got our priorities a little bit mixed up. We. We don't want to admit it. We don't necessarily think about it in that way. Because actually most people start to argue. No, but I am prioritizing my family. That's the reason why I worked so hard. I am prioritizing my family because. I am spending all day cooking and cleaning. I earn, prioritizing my family by doing X, Y, and Zed. And sure those things may be important and it may be important to some degree. But it's not everything. And actually there is an edge where it's helpful. And it tips into being harmful. So. And when we're just talking about this attra moment, it's really this difference between what is functional. And functional as useful. So functional are the practical provisions that a family needs. So any family needs shelter. It needs food. They need a roof over their head. They need warmth. They need some kind of money supply. They need some kind of profession like that. Those are functional things. And these are things that keep us like, these are the things that keep us going. Maybe we need to save up money for a holiday, whatever it is, but that's practical and that's functional. But on the other side, the edge is really about what the emotional capacity is and what the emotional connection is. The emotional provision. And unfortunately, that's the thing that gets missing. And I don't know if you're guilty of this. I know that I've historically been guilty of that. So I put my hunts up and. I guarantee that a hundred percent of my clients have also been guilty of this at some point. But. We end up focusing in so much on the stuff, believing that the stuff is going to get us closer to the person. And they going to see us in a better light. But it never does. So for instance, I may be working really, really hard to buy my partner thought peaceful gift for their birthday. Whatever it is, or it might be working really, really hard and I get a promotion and then all of a sudden I feel good enough. And I'm hoping that I'm going to get validated or I'm hoping that I'm going to get recognition. All that. Finally, I am a worthy enough human being, whatever it is. But the point I'm trying to make is that we go on a detour. We believe that the thing I E the job, the status, the money, the gift, the car, the house, the whatever is we believe that the thing. Is going to bring me in closer together. If I work really, really hard if I provide this kind of lifestyle. Then that means that we are going to be happy. We're going to be free. We are going to be so in love and off we walk into the sunset. But. It's not how we work as human beings, because actually we're taking a detour. We're going by a third party to get to the direct route. And this is what the edge is. The edge is about the emotional stuff. And the emotional stuff has to have a direct line. It's about me and you seeing eye to eye. It's really about deeply connecting it's about loss. Holding one another and being safe when we are being held by one another it's about us. Really leaning into our vulnerability, but also knowing that and trusting and believing that our partner is going to be there holding us with absolute safety and with grace. And they are able to contain us and vice versa. We're able to contain them. And when we have that level of connection, We don't necessarily need to go down a dietal right. It's nice. Sometimes to walk down the detour and we can be like, Hey, you know what, let's get this thing. Let's do this. Let's do that. Oh, my goodness. You did really well and work. I'm waving your flag. But. We know it's Dettol and that's the point I'm trying to make is that all of the staff. That we believe is going to get us closer to one another. It actually pulls his feather away. Because then we become so far obsessed with the third party, with the thing, with the work, with the business, with the. Money with the houses, with that. Cause with whatever is, we get so obsessed with that stuff. That we really lose sight of what is important, what really matters, what we should be connecting to as human beings. And that's the thing that is crucial. And it's not so that you can't have that stuff. Of course, you're going to have that stuff. You can smush it in life. You can have whatever it is that you want in terms of success. When we're talking about metrics, of course you can't, I'm not saying don't perceive those things. It's amazing to pursue those things. But what's also really important is to not lose sight of what the direct line is. And the direct line is this direct connection. And. Unfortunately. When I see people in my office, they come to me saying, oh, but we do trust each other. And, and I believe that my partner would support me, but there's just something missing. It's just that spark that we've lost. It's just that. Void. We don't really connect. We don't really communicate. We always get into an argument somehow we're talking about this and then it escalates into a much bigger issue and we are tangled up in resentment and we're shouting and we're fighting and we don't even know how we got to that space or it might be. I say something I met with silence. And I don't say anything else. And essentially you are both strangers living in the same house and I'm particularly see this when. Couples have children, everything revolves around kids. Um, kids grow older. The kids become a bit more independent. They actually give you parents the couple more space and when you've got that space and that time together, It feels really weird because then all of a sudden you're having to do a lot of exploration. Again, suddenly you're learning about this partner, this person that you've spent your life with, however many is where your, your then faced with the reality of, oh my goodness. I'm living with a stranger. I don't actually know this person. Not really knowing them. I know what they do. I know how they spend the days. I know that they go to the gym. I know that they work with these people, so are under kind of surface level stuff. But I don't really know that soul. Uh, disconnected with that soul because we've been so busy with the other stuff, right. The direct line. Has not been walked for a very long time. And one way in that space where it feels really. Disconnected. We don't know what to do. And it feels like a lot of effort. And unfortunately, what I see is that people go in multiple different directions and here are some of the main problems that I see. The first one. Is that people assume that we know each other because you've been living together. Right. You assumed that you knew your partner really well. You assume, you know, their likes, their dislikes, their attitudes, you can predict their behaviors. And, and I tool fat. You don't, you can't. And it's not because you've been ignoring your partner, but actually it's because there's been so much cloud between you two. And your partner would have changed over the years. They needed to have changed over the years by the very virtue of you growing a family together, or by developing a business or by going to work or by. You know, the promotions, whatever it is that you're having, but by the very virtue that you're doing, that stuff. You all going to change as a human being, because you'll grow in your experiencing new things and you develop, you have to exercise new muscles. Your likes and dislikes change your attitudes, your values change, and that's okay. That's part of growth. That's part of being human. And you would have changed as well. So you and your partner, you both would have changed over time. And. When I talk to people about this idea, they're saying no, but I want to go back to exactly where we were. And I say, Pal. That's not going to happen, but also if you are wanting it to happen, you are. Really missing the point here you are missing a golden opportunity of growing with another human being. And how amazing is that? That you're able to dedicate yourself to somebody in there dedicating themselves to you. And you are literally nurturing one another. You're holding one another. You're waving each other swags. Even when the other person isn't looking like you all that in it. That is a peaceful proceeds. But here's the problem. A lot of people, a assume that they know everything about their partner. So they stopped learning about lab partner. They. Always make these assumptions. And the whole bank. From continuous discovery. And that actually fuels a lot of disconnect. Because you're not making the effort of really saying, how are you. Like really? How are you? How are you feeling about things? How are you feeling about us? How are you feeling about life? What is it that lights you up? Does this thing still light you up? Does it not what's change. How do you feel in your guts when you're met with this situation or when you're met with this idea, what is it that inspires you? Right. We, we lose those kinds of conversations.'cause we just to see him. So if we're not having those conversations, it just maintains that disconnect. And so it's so important that we practice humility people don't like me saying this. But it's important that we practice humility in that we do not know everything. You're not that smart. Like nobody is that smart and that's so gay. Right? We have to be okay with the fact that we're not going to be that Claver. And we all going to need to ask about our partner to really get to know them. And we are not just knowing them on a surface level. It's not like as if we are just knowing a list of descriptors about them, like their demographics. That's not what I'm asking for. But I'm talking about what is deeply rooted and important that is ingrained within that being that is the depth of connection. And, you know, one metaphor that I'd like to share is, for example, let's say you're going shopping and you're in seek market and you decide to buy some jam, right? You pick up a jaw and you've got a couple of ways of discovering this jam. You can either look at the ingredients. And just read the label. That's the descriptors, right? So that's your partners, age, their height, what they look like, their body weight, who they hang out with, but you only really know the jam when you taste it. And then you can really start to experience aren't she, is it sweet? Is it better? Is it salad? Is it tiny? What's the texture. And that is what I'm talking about. It's really being in that space, in that deep connection space with your partner, because it's not about the descriptors, it's actually about what is deeply. Important and meaningful teeth. So that is the first thing that I really wants to talk about. The second thing is this issue around opening up. Now many people after being disconnected for so long, they've actually lost the skill of opening up the don't know what starts. And, uh, more often than not. When I have people in front of me, they'll say, oh, but I am open. I am transparent. But the partner would say, I don't think you are like, I don't know what's going on. You've not opened up to me about anything in in years. And the partner might say, well, no, but I talked to you about work and I talk to you about why I do my days and you know, whatever else. But. That's not really opening up, opening up is really about being willing to go over in terms of your vulnerability, what scares you? What. Elicits that sense of bear, but also how is it that you seek that sense of security? So for example, Many of my clients say maybe in situations where they are growing their business or they have grown their business. And they get really scared at times, right? There's that edge between what is exciting when they growing, but also what really, really terrifies them when they're growing. And they think, oh my God, like. I could be doing this thing. It's really, really scary. And I'm going to have to take risk. And I don't know if it's going to pay off. Uh, and, and what often happens with these people is that they answer fight or flight mode in those moments. But they become very insular. And they become very insular because they think they're protecting their family. They think they're doing the best for their family or for their partner. But also the don't really know. What the benefit would be to express anyway, they don't want to stress other people out. And they get into this mindset where they think, well, this is the early way. There is no plan B, so I better shut my mouth and just go for it. And even if you're that way inclined to operating in those moments. Actually to be able to shad through some moments of fear with your partner. That is huge. Even if it's, you know, months or years down the line, when it doesn't really Masa. In practical terms, but the reason why it marches in emotional times is because that's the thing that really strengthens the direct reads. And we have got own pull research out that way. It shows that. The more that we can share the same emotional experience. That is really why we belong. And we experienced a deep sense of belonging. We feel connected. We feel head, we feel listened to, but we also feel held and we know our partner feels held as well at the same time. And there's this collective. Mentally Experience in this collective empathy as well, that occurs. And that's when we have a surge of compassion, but we also, from a neurological perspective, we have the surge of oxytocin. So that's the bonding neurotransmitter that supports. You and your partner to bond to one another. And that's really the visceral sensation that you got, you know, when you feel that. Uh, and you're physically pulled towards somebody and you can feel yourself leaning into somebody and that leaning into you when you're wanting to hold one another. When you are in that moment of. Real togetherness that only happens by sharing the same emotional experience. And it's not necessarily about. Uh, you being terrified and your partner being super confident. That's, you know, that's. I'm not saying your super-confident partner has to be terrified. That's. That's not at all what I'm saying, but it's actually about the expression of what is going on for you. And that your partner can meet you at that point of expression. They might not literally be experiencing the same thing because they've not walked in your shoes. They're not that. Literally, especially if you're talking about something that happened years ago, but by the very virtue of you expressing and you being with your emotion. It actually pulls them into your emotional realm. So it's almost as if you're saying, Hey, a fallen into a hole and I feel really SCAD. Your partner can then walk down and climb into this hole with you and they can be with you and not fair. And you can both figure out a way of how you can climb out the whole. And your partner is last supporting you. They're your cheerleader. They are waving your flag and they're able to help you calm her up. But. The fact that they've sat with you in that fair. That is crucial because that is the thing that's screened to bond. You both feather that's the direct path that you're really going to experience with your partner. And finally, one of the biggest important points that I would say is your level of commitment. And before we turn off, I really need to hammer in this message. Many many people. Approach we, and I mean, hundreds and hundreds of people approach me saying, yes, I'm committed. But when it really comes down to it, the knots, they like to think that the commits and we all like to think that we're committed. We all always delude ourselves to the point of believing that we are committed when we really aren't. We are committed to a particular outcome that we want, not necessarily to what is deeply truthful of the situation. And let me break this down. Often people are really, really committed to. Making that partner change and making that partner pay tensions, alum. And so they're just turning up because they want other people to change. And then once in the other person's committed and they believe that that committing by that very virtue of turning on up. But the knots. They're not committing. What they're trying to do is they're trying to change their partner to fit in with the image that they have of their partner. Going back to the very start. I said, many people come in and they say, oh, I wish things would just go back to how they were when we were so madly in love when there was sparks. When we were so engrossed with one another, I wish that we could go back to that. And your knots because you can't reverse, you can't undo 20 years of being together. And returning butts up phase. And also you wouldn't want to write your wanting to enter a batter stage of your relationship. But more often than not people don't really appreciate that. That is going to take work. And the outcome might not be to get your partner to change to how they used to be, because that's not the pursuit. But the real commitment is. Do I really want to dedicate my life to this human being and do I want this human being to dedicate their lives to me? Do I really deeply wants to make this work. And with that, there is several things to consider. One of them is really considering well, how do you Al values align? Not saying, how do I values much? Because you might not have exactly the same value system and that's okay. But how do they align? How are they complimentary? How is it that we work together? How do we fit in together? How are we on the same team? Are we even on the same team? Those are the sorts of things that we really need to consider. And then the other thing is if you stand back and you want me to take an observer's perspective and you're looking at your partner, You then ask. How do I feel about this human being? If this human being was not my partner. How would I feel about them? How would I feel about them in terms of that parenting style? How do I feel about them in terms of that ethics? I do I feel about that moral stance? How do I feel about how they treat their family, their friends? How do I feel about this human being? And with that, you might see some really useful traits and qualities that you love, but you might also see some things that maybe you don't love so much. And that's okay. But all the things that you don't love so much, are they workable? What I mean by that is. Is it something that actually it's not deal breaker, but it's swimming. It's like a quick, and it's a lifestyle choice or it's a personality trait of as, and we just need to bring up to the surface in terms of how we going to work with this. If this relationship is going to work, what are we going to do about this thing? And FYI, you're going to also have some traits that vibes your partner. Isn't so keen on, or that needs to be workable as well. And the moment that he gets to that space, then you can start thinking. Okay. How are we going to commit it? And the commitment isn't buying just declaring while I'm in this Meriton ISO, therefore I'm committed. No it's about doing the daily efforts that are consistent in, even if they're small. They are impactful because they are in a way that your partner receives them. And this also links into the topic of love languages. So I may do stuff that I believe my partner should appreciate or should see, but actually my partner's just a bit blinded to it. They don't see it that, or appreciate it. So for example, I might be cooking and I might be cleaning. I might be doing the dishes. And I think a Hallman partner should see this because look at how much I'm doing for them. How much I'm doing for the family, but the partner might not see it. Right. And in that moment what's going on is that I am expressing care or I'm expressing affection in the form of service that I'm doing all of these things around the house, which isn't active service. And I'm hoping that my partner will read the message and we'll say all. Thank you. I love you so much. I really appreciate you doing that. I feel really casual. I feel like you're holding me. I feel like you're really showing me love and affection. That might not happen. And so what we really need to do is aren't she understand. How is it that my partner feels slough. How did they feel? CAD FAL? What do they need? For them to know that I'm holding them in mind. Is it that they want a message in the morning saying I'm proud of you? Is it that they're wanting me to stroke their ha. Is it that they're wanting. And this whole random gift from the shop. Anytime I go to the supermarket, I buy them in a little chocolate ball and stuff. Favorite chocolate bar. So they got really excited about it and they know that they're cared for in that moment. What is it? That makes my partner feel that they're cared for. And when I discover that I need to act in that way, even if it's in a very small way, but it has to be daily and it has to be consistent. So if my partner receives affection, if they feel really cared for and loved by the words that we use. Then I'm going to be writing out a loss of affectionate words, right. Even if it's just a text message whilst they're in work. And I say something like, I love the way you look in the morning, or if it's something like, Hey, do you remember what you look like in your seats? When we got married? Oh, it pretty hard, whatever it might be. But when we communicate in a way that your partner, not you, not how you would experience love and cab, but actually how your partner experiences loving cat. That is really when the game changes. Um, vice versa. Your partner also needs to be doing this in reciprocation that they're communicating with you in the way that you feel cared for, that you feel love that you feel held. And it's by this continuous effort. This continuous holding in mind. And this commitment, this practice, this ritual that you are doing, that is really what screen support you reconnecting again. It's not about just going on a random holiday. And you're hoping hope we've got time to connect. Sure. Holiday might help, but you're not actually packing your entire self in your suitcase. You're not packing your entire life in your suitcase when you go away on holiday. So it's really important that you're considering how is it that this can be maintained? Long term. And am I going to make time for it? Right. Uh, and, and I'm kind of saying that a little bit sarcastically, because as I mentioned before, it's not about time management. It's about parcel management. So we need to commit to the front that this is going to be a priority. And we also have to be okay with. Accepting risk in all of this. We have to be okay in accepting the risk that you know what, this might not actually work out. This relationship. Might not be the right one. We may have worked well together. At one point we may have. Been able to raise the kids well together, we may have. Uh, created something. But actually now, when we're looking at each other, we don't actually like each other. We don't like each others traits. We don't like each other's lifestyles and, and it's not workable. It's just not my hate you, not the. You know, I've got any bad feelings towards you, but it's just not workable. And we have to be okay with that. We also have to be okay with the fact that we are risking. Not being met with the same level of commitment, with the same level of efforts. But as long as we're exploring the option, as long as we're going in with this idea of, okay, I am going to look at this person. I am going to see how it is that they fit in with me. I'm going to see how I fit in with them. I'm going to evaluate the health of their relationship. I'm going to evaluate my wellbeing and your wellbeing. If we all going to stick out this in the longterm, I am going to really see how it is that I'm able to commit to and how I am able to prioritize. Even if it's in small ways. And how you're going to prioritize. If I go in with that mindset, then. I am giving it a good chance. I'm giving it a really good chance. But I also have to accept the F the risk that it might not work, and we might have to separate. We may have to part ways. But you can only really get to that point if you know, That you've done everything that you possibly can do. And when you get to that point, if you, if you do have to part ways it's painful. I'm not saying it's easy. But simultaneously, you also know that you gave it your best and you did everything that you could do. And it's not as if you are going to be in that place of battling with yourself of. Is it the right decision? Is it. The wrong decision, because you know, it's the right decision. Even if it's hurtful, then actually know it's the right decision, because that is something better in store for you. There is something better that you need to move towards to, and whether that be a following relationship, whether that be being on your own for a little while, whatever it might be. But you know that there's something. Out there for you that is better, that you deserve better, and you are able to give that level of commitment and that level of affection towards another human being, if you are ever in that situation. And if anything has resonated with you today, or if you found it helpful in any way, please share this episode with a friend because I bet you they're going to find it helpful as well. And if you haven't already please download your free health quiz. So you can really understand the strengths of your relationship and your own wellbeing, as well as areas that you're needing to work on. And as always feel free to get in touch. If you have a need anything until next time, take care