Familiar bad relationship patterns is destroying you. Health check for your relationship

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You never needed anybody to complete you because you already complete, you can never be rejected because you as a human being exist. And how could you be rejected? But it's really, when we get to that place of sincerity, self security, and we can insource that. That's when the game changes The number one job for the brain isn't to make you happy it's actually survival. And if we're coming from that standpoint, It gets really murky. How could you expect things to change if you still did the same thing? Right. We have to change in order for things to change. And change is scary. I know I can appreciate that. Hi, I've been scared before myself. When I've had to change, but at the same time, it's absolutely necessary. And when we change, when we really embrace it, The outcome can be really peaceful. Welcome to the relationship, success slab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create secure, trusting relationships. I'm dot Sarah at global award-winning psychologists helping high-achievers on business leaders to have happy and healthy relationships. Get your health relationship quiz for free now. In the link below, so you can become relationship fats. Now. Onwards with your journey to relationship success. How do you know if you're growing in a healthy direction? This is perhaps one of the most common questions that I get asked and. It's fundamental to understand that whenever you all growing you all going to feel a level of discomfort. And I don't know if you remember when you were physically growing and you would have these growing pains and aches in your bones. Well, yeah, it hacked, but it was full something greater. It was because you were developing and just so much. And if you never develop, just imagine if your growth was stunted from a fiscal standpoint. Sure. You would have avoided some level of discomfort, but actually. You would've been stunted and chances are, you may have had some kind of health condition. How do we grow? When we are in a relationship and how do we know when it's good, scary, or bad? Scary. The loss of people will know me for my work around healing, trauma bonding. And I think it's really important, but I'll be honest. I've also changed direction as time has gone on. Primarily because trauma bonding very much focuses in on the problem Parton. The fact that you experienced a loss of what you believe is love, but then a lot of devastation. There is a continuous pulling in and then pushing away there is a high and there's a crushing low. And you simply don't know where you stand with your partner. But you know that you are being tormented and you're just staying there in the hopes that things will get better. And. Really what you really should be focusing in on as a society is how we become relationship fats. But with that. It's also a consideration of, well, how do we end these harmful patents, but also how do we really strengthen healthy ones? Because it's his imperative for us to be able to do something different. If we are wanting something different, if you have always been in. Unhealthy problematic relationships where you're constantly feeling anxious. You're doubting your self-worth your doubting. If you can trust your partner, you don't know where you stand. You're always walking on eggshells. If you're in that space. And you are essentially doing the same thing in the hope that things will change. You are still people pleasing. You'll still prioritizing other people. You'll still neglecting yourself. You'll still ignoring your own needs. If you'll still in my pattern. Then chances are things will not change. How could you expect things to change if you still did the same thing? Right. We have to change in order for things to change. And change is scary. I know I can appreciate that. Hi, I've been scared before myself. When I've had to change, but at the same time, it's absolutely necessary. And when we change, when we really embrace it, The outcome can be really peaceful. So let's dive in. How do we know the difference between. Good discomfort that comes with healthy change and healthy growth. Versus bad discomfort that actually comes from being stunted. So let's rewind time, a little bit. Why does this even stem from. Well, in essence, we, as human beings are drawn to familiar patterns. We are drawn to relationships. That's elicits a familiar feeling within us. Even if it's on healthy. And so what that means is that if you have historically experienced toxic, harmful, traumatic relationships, You are likely to be drawn to the same patterns, even if you consciously know that it's not good for you. And let me paint you a picture. If, for example, when growing up, you had a parent who is perhaps inconsistent with that cat. They wanted to be there, but they didn't have awareness sorrily that? Or they had really high expectations of you. And you only really got attention when you did really well in school. Or you sometimes received criticism for things that you didn't really understand, and it was confusing and sometimes your parent may have been unavailable on an emotional level. Whatever it is, but if you've had these kinds of experiences, You would have developed some level of insecure attachment. You would've developed some questioning in terms of your worth. And we have got very strong neural pathways that get developed in the brain and in the nervous system. That basically map out. Our relationship patterns. And the reason why the brain maps them out is fundamental within evolution. It is to try and keep her safe. And what the brain essentially integrates his thoughts. If other people are going to be harmful. Then I better suppress myself and move out of the way. So I don't get harmed. Or it might be that if I lend the other people only like me and only praise me if I do really well, then I better work really, really hard in order to get their attention in order to get their affection. Or at the very least I need to work really hard to avoid rejection and criticism. If I've learnt, the other people can drop me. And they can abandon me. Then I might become hyper anxious and constantly be checking in on other people and trying to maintain a lot of closeness because I'm scared of what will happen if they leave me. And I never trust that they're going to come back or I won't protect myself by really pushing other people away so that I never even risk being vulnerable to them dropping me. Whatever it is that you would have experienced, you literally have these neural pathways that get created and it is to keep you safe. The number one job for the brain isn't to make you happy. It's not to make you thrive in life, but it's actually survival. And if we're coming from that standpoint, It gets really murky. And as human beings, we are more developed than other animals and we have conscious thoughts, but we also have subconscious thoughts and 95% of our behaviors is governed by the subconscious, even our choice and partner is given by the subconscious, what we do in a relationship, how we act out. Even my neat people pleasing or high-achieving traits. This is all an operation of the subconscious. And we may consciously know that some of these things are detrimental to us, but at the same time, We choose to turn a blind eye. And we just get drawn back to what's familiar because that is the thing that we know it is mapped out in our neural circuits. It is mapped out in our nervous system. And even if we don't like it, We know it, we know the score, we know how it's worked and we know how the script is going to go. So we just follow the script. The story is already written for us. And our subconscious just says, Hey, you know what? You don't need to think about this too much. I already know how this plays out. Let me take charge. And the subconscious automatically takes the steering wheel. And if I was to just explain this in multiple times, if you've ever had that experience where you might be in a relationship and you know that you've got the tendency of people pleasing, you know, that you've got the tendency of always saying yes, when you actually want to say no, You know that you've got the tendency of putting everybody else before you. If that's you. Then. Even though consciously, you might know that you need to come somewhere on the priorities list, right? You can't be the bottom of the barrel all the time, or you might consciously know. Hey, I have to say no at times, because that's in the best interest for everybody, as well as myself. For the long term, you might consciously be able to rationalize these things, but emotionally on physiologically, it's really hard to be in that space. And you just get drawn back to what's familiar. Even if you don't like it, even if you get resentful that you're back at the bottom of the list again. But you still do it because that's what you know, that was what was familiar. Whereas the growth. That is associated with doing something different. It's going to be uncomfortable, but it's uncomfortable for a different reason. It's uncomfortable because you're having to force yourself to do something foreign. You're having to step into a realm. That you've always spent far too SCAD step into. And it might be that when you're in a healthy relationship and you're being challenged and you're feeling really uncomfortable, you're actually being challenged to take up more space. You're being challenged to do something that's. At knowledges, your worth that says I am here and I'm okay to be here. That actually I am valid. I'm just as valid as anybody else. And that's really scary because if. Your nervous system. If your history, if your attachment style. If your neural circuits, if your subconscious mind, if everything is saying. You need to be small in order to be safe. Even if you don't like it, I don't really care. You have to be safe because my job is to keep you surviving. If that's war, everything is good too. And then all of a sudden you're faced with this other direction of, Hey, take up space. It's okay. It's safe. It feels like far too big of a gap. It's fall to. Uncomfortable. It's a huge step and it's a huge risk because your subconscious mind, your brain, everything goes on high alert and says, this is dangerous. What are you doing? You are putting yourself at risk of rejection. You are not going to survive this. Even if your conscious mind thinks, well, you know what, I'm going to have to take up space. I should be able to take up space. But then you end up in a bottle. So, how do we. Really step into that realm. How do we do the uncomfortable thing? That's actually good for us. How do we transition that big leap? Well, the first thing that I would say is that the body. Always keeps score. So any time you may have experienced trauma in the past, whether it be big T trauma or little T trauma. It doesn't really matter, but if it's left an imprint. If it's left a scar, if it's left a wound inside of you, that is still unresolved. And it gets evoked and it gets triggered every time you are met with a challenging situation or even an ambiguous situation, but you knew that something rises. So for instance, you knew that you all smarter clicker is people pleasing mode without necessarily thinking about it. Or, you know, that you automatically prioritize other people. And you might know it. You might think about it a little bit, but you just can't help yourself. Whatever is. But all of that. Is imprinted within the body on the body holds the key. And so the moment that you're really able to lean into somata healing, that's really when the game changes, that's really, when you are able to release. And so there are various different techniques I support clients with, but. Ultimately it's about how do we release some of this Trump trauma. How do we change the narrative around this truck? Trauma? And also, how do we change the experience? Around this physiological sensation. So if I was to kind of break that down, so how do we release the truck trauma? Well, the raw physical exercises and techniques. So I know something that's really common at the moment is EFT and TFT. So these are particular tapping methods that hits on the Meridian pathway. And ultimately what it does is. It helps to shift. Cortisol and adrenaline that is blocked in your nervous system. And this is based on. Decades worth of research. So it does have a really good evidence base. And this is something that I do day in and day out with clients. And the impact is huge. Even after a couple of sessions, it really is. But the more that we can do that, the more that we're actually releasing. Trumped trauma. So I mentioned cortisol and adrenaline, and these stress releases, hormones that get released, particularly when we are in fight or flight. And thing is, is that these hormones are useful in the short term because it can give us energy. It can help us escape a threatening situation. It can help us. Hyper-focus. They can be helpful, but only in the short term. If we are constantly under pressure and constantly experiencing stress. Even if it's self-inflicted stress. That becomes incredibly damaging and it can have a profound impact on our digestive system, on our stomach, on our intestines. On our hearts on our blood pressure. That we can gain a lot of weight, like the. Impact is huge. If we have. Long-term chronic quarters, all that is not being resolved or process properly. So what we're really needing to do. Uh, his release that's. Chemical and, and really try and process this out of our system a lot more effectively and a lot more efficiently. And the rasa and techniques that you can do before that. And I would just like to highlight, please, if you are going to go for any approach, ensure that you are being seen by a qualified and skilled practitioner. Um, please start just go on Instagram and just follow the next person and kind of do whatever it is that they say, because you're wanting substance to what it is that you're looking at. So, this is one of the things, I guess the other thing really that I've mentioned is changing the narrative around the store trauma. And this really links in with regressional way. And. What you may or may not know is that a lot of the trauma that we end up experiencing, and a lot of these familiar patterns that we develop, particularly when it comes to beliefs about ourselves and how it is at least for. In relationships is based during childhood. Primarily it is based during childhood and. Our subconscious mind and subconscious patterns really become formed by the age of about seven. And what's really important when we're doing this regressional work is to really trace all the way back to when you're seven or even way before bank, then. And often I actually go with clients all the way up to when, in utero, which might sound a little bit peculiar, but hugely impactful. And. What we're really doing is we are shifting a lot of the misconceptions and love the misunderstandings that may have been developed from a place of innocence from place of vulnerability, because the reality is that when you're in child, You didn't know anything about the world? You just looked up to the big people. Hoping that they knew the answers. And certainly when you're a big person, you realize, Hey, you know what? Most adults are just guessing in life. I'm also okay. Right. We're all learning. But then you start recognizing your innocence. And it's really leaning into your vulnerabilities. That's really why the wound healing a Caz and one analogy that I'd like to share is if you're marching and you've got a graze or you've got a deep cut somewhere on your skin. And. You might go to a doctor and they might clean it up for you. They might put bandage on, they might put sutures and whatever it is, but you know, the, the. I do something. And then your wound heals it physically heals. Now the reality is it's not the doctor that calls the healing, but actually what the professional dead. Was that they created an environment that would have supported your own healing. And that's ultimately what regressional work should do. It's really about creating the right environment that would support your own healing in the sense that you actually have the power to deal with art. But you really need to be held in a particular position where you are enabled to do that. And the beauty of that is that you are then able to actually take the techniques on further in life, because life is filled with ups and downs. You never know what's around the corner. And what's really important is that you are resilient, that you are able to. Deal with things head on and that you all strong enough to be able to navigate whatever it is that life throws at you and to feel contents within that process. And you can only really get that when you've got a good foundation to bounce off. And this work is really about supporting a solid foundation. And finally, when we're talking about. Processing the physiological experience will Smarttech. Sensations that you're having at that moment. It is really don't via a couple of different methods. One of the ones that I really like is sitting with the sensation and not she speaking from that place. So for example, I'm noticing this time. So my chest, if the tightness in my chest could say something, what would it want? Say, what message does it hold for me? How does it want me to be safe? And does it really know the answer for safety? And this is really when I marry up my unconscious in terms of what I deeply want versus my conscious mind in terms of what I know is most helpful for me. And it's almost like I'm having this little pep talk with myself or almost like I'm parenting myself. And if I see that physical sensation is a young child as a vulnerable part of me that is simply looking to be loved and simply looking to be safe and to be held. And I've got my conscious mind, the more adults, the more wise part of myself. Leaning in. Then I can really start to develop some self-assurance and really reassure that part of me. That's feeling really anxious. And bringing in wisdom as to how it is that I can move forward in the best and healthiest direction. So for example, If I was really anxious about putting myself first or if I was really anxious about saying no to something, when I think everyone's expecting me to say yes, Then I can really lean in and us, myself. What is it that I really want in this moment? By saying yes. What is it that I would want out of that? And it might be that I would want to be loved or I'd want to be accepted. I'd want to be liked. And if that's the case, then I can bring it in my conscious mind in us. Okay. So how is it that I can best approach that? And it might be that I spend more time with people who, uh, More considerate. It might be that I spend time with people who already appreciate me, and I know that they appreciate me and I can sense. And MYP actually withdrawing from individuals who are continuously pushing my boundaries or continuously asking me to do more when it's not reciprocated, nor is it appreciated. That's my earlier comment in the sense that moving from a place of familiar dislike. To a place of healthy growth. That's uncomfortable VAT leap is huge, but the moment that we really start to work on our somatics, I E the sensation that we get when we all feeling panic, when we're feeling anxious, when we're feeling SCAD, when we feel ashamed, when we feel guilty, All of these. Emotions. Come up in the body, they all show up as a fiscal experience. And it's that emotion. It's a physical sensation that we get that really keep us trapped in what we think is okay, because it's familiar. And so if it's a familiar sensation that we feel guilty for putting ourselves forward, then it makes sense that we're going to put ourselves back at the bottom of the barrel because we want to avoid feeling guilty. We're trying to. Rectify what we've wronged, even though we've not wronged anything. But it doesn't matter because like I mentioned before, 95% of the time, your subconscious mind. Is taking control of the steering wheel. That is really, what's an operation. And so. It's really going back to how it is that we experience sets and emotions sets and situations and sets and beliefs within our body because our body sincerely does hold the key. And I know a lot of my work. Talks about how it is that we regulate the nervous system, how it is that we move. Into really practicing the parcel pathetic nav system, the soothing mechanism that our body has, because frankly for most of us, we are constantly being activated. We are being elevated in terms of our level of anxiety. And all of this is the sympathetic nervous system. It's all the fight or flight responses. That's short. It's adaptive in an evolutionary sense, and it helps us to survive. But if we're really going to thrive, if we all really sincerely going to have something that is better. That is different. We all going to have to be different. We all going to half do. Become better at grounding ourselves at soothing ourselves. We are absolutely going to have to deal with that. And that is a myriad of scientific research that shows that we as human beings function so much better. When we are in that space of calm when we aren't in that space of seats, when we are psychologically safe. And I have people who kind of negotiate with me. Well, what is safety when it comes to psychological terms? Uh, it makes sense physical terms, but will psychological safety. And it is really about. How it is that we feel okay. That we are not at risk of rejection. We're not at risk of abandonment. And we are fully worthy as we are, and you are a whole human being. You never needed anybody to complete you because you already complete, you can never be rejected because you as a human being exist. And how could you be rejected? Your, your existence could never be rejected. And if somebody says that they don't like you, that's not share a reflection of something else. But it's really, when we get to that place of sincerity, self security, and we can insource that. That's when the game changes and we have got so much data that shows that we do so much better in relationships. We are able to go to that next level. And beat relationship fat. We are able to succeed better at our work. We have better friendships. We have better family relationships. We have a BASF, a sense of self-worth. We have better confidence. We end up loving ourselves more. We operate better in life. Even people who earn more money, they earn more money because they're actually operating from a space of emotional safety and security. So there is just so much. That shows how vital this work is. And I sincerely encourage people to take that journey on board. And if anything here has resonated with you, please. Feel free to either reach out to me or one of my team members. And also take a look at that free health quiz. It is really intelligent the way that it's designed, and it helps you to look at certain areas that you are going to need. A little bit more work on and a little bit more development on as well as areas where you might be doing pretty well. So why not get a free mot on your psychological fitness and at your relationship health? And until next time. Take care.