Build Unbreakable Trust: Lasting Relationship And Emotional Connection

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do I genuinely sincerely believe I am worthy of being loved. Just the way that I am without filter without necessarily having to do anything. Do I believe that I am valid enough as a human being. Without. Any conditions When you trust your partner, you're actually putting trust in the things that you cannot see. So I would be trusting my partner. For the fact that I can't see necessarily who is that they're hanging out with or what it is that that talking about. Like, I literally don't have a video recording of that. I'm not that I'm not present. But I have faith and I have trust in what I don't see. That is what trust is about. forgiveness is not about being complacent and forgetting. Forgiveness is really about taking accountability for both parties and ensuring that it doesn't happen again. This episode was very much inspired by work that I was doing with a couple of mine. And. To give you a bit of a box story teeth. They had been married for over 20 years. They very much loved each other. But they really struggled with each other and they were in this perpetual back and forth situation. And. For years, the Johnson, the husband, he had spent so much of his time and his energy whacking to try and provide for the family. To give them the best lifestyle possible. And the wife always stood by him. For Ravis stood by him. And he didn't notice her. And what was interesting was that even though there were kind of on this repeated cycle, Of mundane life together. They actually grew further and further apart until the point when that second kids, they had two children that second childhood moved out and they didn't know what to do. They were just facing each other. And it was almost like they were looking at one another as if they were strangers. They didn't really know who it was that they were married to anymore because they'd spent such a long time in that relationship. At the dedicating themselves to that work also, their kids. And there was no room for that partner. And there was no space for that partnership to be held for them to really see each other for them to really feel each other and deeply connect with one another. And. As time went on. There was so blinded to this idea that they grew feather and feather apart. So there was this emotional disconnect and it was only one. They were left with space that they realized hope. Oh, God, what's just happened in the past 20 years. I've been married to this person, but I don't even know them anymore. And interestingly, one of the issues that really sparked them coming to see me Wilson, even about the fact that they felt disconnected. But it was actually about the fat that they grew a lot of mistrust on another. And partly it was because they'd live these separate lives, even though they'd lived together for so many ears. That aren't, she, they didn't really trust each other anymore. And even though there was a loss of love for one another half for the simple fact of, Hey, you're the father of my children. The mother of my children. Of course, I love you. It was still a struggle to actually trust on another IP case. They didn't know what they didn't know and they couldn't see what they didn't know. They didn't know what was happening behind closed doors of the other person. And. It's really to highlight how impulsive emotional connection is alongside building of trust. And the way that I like to describe a relationship is. As if you are building that's how block. And the penthouse suite. I mean, that bit is the most peaceful bed that is really when you're not choosing that's really when he gets to the top and you look and you can see how great. The city is that you live in, you can really see how great the world is, and that's the best point of view for the sunrise and sunset. The sunrise in your relationship, as well as the sunset and your relationship. And you know that it's going to happen every single day that you are going to be met with this beauty. But you can only have a get to the penthouse suite. If the foundation of the building is solid. And often people forget about the foundation and the so eager to get to the top without ever looking at the Balsam. And guess what. You're essentially building is how a blog on quicksand. You can work as hard as you want, but you're navigating to get to the top. It's going to be really hard or you might fleetingly get the experience of joy. And something that feels so incredible. But you'll still going to be struggling underneath and that's because the foundation isn't really that. So parts of the essence of building foundation with your partner is really about this emotional connection. How well you get to know your partner. But also about how it is that you build trust and a deeper connection with your other half. So, this is really a discussion about, well, how do you go about building that trust? How do you go about maintaining that emotional connection? And I just want to highlight that this episode is. Not necessarily good for people who have experienced full on betrayal, where there might've been issues of infidelity, but it's more to do with. That emotional disconnect and really not knowing who you're with. And that in itself evokes some level of hindsight here and it evokes some level of avoidance of the real issue within that relationship. First off. I really wants to talk about what trust is. And I can imagine a lot of people will turn off at this point because they think, oh, of course I know what trust is. Don't be so condescending. And I would disagree. Unfortunately, I think there are many misconceptions about what trust is and people go about it in completely the wrong way. That they actually stop themselves from truly building trust with that partner. So I'll paint you a story. More often than not. I have people where they say, okay, well, we're building trust. I can see what's going on on my phone. I know who they're hanging out with. I feel secure as a consequence. I feel like I can trust them because I know what is going on in their life. I know. Whether or not they're hanging out with this person or this person. I know what kind of. Interactions that they have, whether there are any situations whereby there could be betrayal, whether that be full on infidelity or whether that be just kind of social humiliation, what it is that they're talking about. Ultimately what the Richie talking about is they think that they trust their partner because they investigate what that partner is. Steering. So, for example, if I was a little bit anxious, And I didn't know how my partner felt about me. And I wanted to trust that they loved me on that the really cared about me and that I was the only person in that life. If I was in that situation. Chances are I'm going to be checking in on who is that's ringing them, who is that? They're messaging. Who they are being messaged by what kind of social contents they have, who is it that they're hanging out with? What are their friends like? And I would be doing a lot of digging and a lot of discovery work. She trained figure out whether or not I can trust this person. And there's even there. That makes sense to some degree it's actually really detrimental if we don't go about it in the right way, because. The more I investigate. And the more that I am needing to check my partner's phone or the more that I am curious about who it is that they're hanging out with, what that actually does is that it trains me to only trust what I can see. And here's the thing. When you trust your partner, you're actually putting trust in the things that you cannot see. So I would be trusting my partner. For the fact that I can't see necessarily who is that they're hanging out with or what it is that that talking about. Like, I literally don't have a video recording of that. I'm not that I'm not present. But I have faith and I have trust in what I don't see. That is what trust is about. So if I'm perpetually trying to understand who it is that my partner is hanging out with what they're doing, what their social contacts are like, who they are, messaging all the rest of it. Not actually building trust. What I am doing in those moments is the, I am spying. In the hope that the more that I spy, the more that I can believe what they're saying. And therefore I build trust. But this can actually lead us down to a really toxic path, because if I was with somebody who is securely attached, And let's say I was about. Anxious. They were, they were secure. And so I had to do a lot of chasing and a lot of pursuing to make sure that my partner really loves me and really values me. If I was in that situation. What would often happen is that my partner. What accepted some degree, but there would be a limit. And at some point they all going to get exhausted and they agreed to say, I can't literally show you my life. 24 7. And unfortunately, I see many people where they escalate down this road where they never deal with their own anxieties in terms of. What's going on in my relationship. They never deal with that anxiety. So, what they're doing is that, that wanting to discover more and more and more. But they get to a point why? Okay. Well, I know what's happening and my partner's diary, 24 7. Near enough. Um, but what about what's inside of the hat? And the thing is, is that you literally cannot open somebody's head and look at their brain and look at their thoughts. That's that's not possible, but people who would continuously trying to pursue trust in this way, they're trying to pursue trust in a way that they can never feel trust because they're going about it the wrong way. But you can never trust what somebody is thinking or feeling. If you're constantly trying to look for evidence for it for concrete evidence, it doesn't quite work that way. And so this really pulls me Barnard to. What is trust about? Well, trust is about. Having faith in what I don't see. I also have to consider context. So the context that I'm considering is. When I am with my partner, what is it that I do see? How is it that they treat me, but also when I'm with them, How is it that they treat other people? How is it that they talk about other people? And do I like that? Do I value that or actually do I feel really uncomfortable with that? So, for example, if west SATs. At a restaurant for dinner and they're speaking to the waiter or the waitress. How is it that, that communicating and communicating in a way that's respectful, they're communicating in a way that's really kind and compassionate. Or are they communicating with a little bit of an edge to them? A little bit of a flirtatious movement or, um, In a way that's about abrupt because the more that I can observe them contextually. When I am with them. Then it gives me a general sense of what this human being is like. Who's in front of me. Now. Here's the tricky bits. I really need to decipher. And this is something that I often work with clients is the way in which we build trust with our partner. Is actually really through trusting ourselves. And it's really through the relationship that we have with ourselves. And this really comes from point web by. When we feel so disconnected with our partner when time has passed, when we just don't really know who it is that we're looking at, because all of our conversations have been surface level or it's been through a third party. It's. You know, we only converse because of the kids because of work because of the weather, because of the bills, because of whatever, if that's the case. And there's a lot of disconnect. I also need to consider what is my general tendency. So I'm only generally the type of person who can be a little bit anxious. And I do lean towards the anxiety attachment scale. Or am I somebody who's a bit more avoidant and I lean further into that scale. Because mother, I understand that then it actually gives me an indicator of how much. Um, I connected with myself, my deepest self. And how much should I really trust myself? So if I was more in the anxiety camp, Chances are I've got this. Viewpoint that I might not be good enough. That I have to work really hard in order to be loved in order to receive a faction. And therefore it means that if I look at other people, if I look at my partner treating me really well, It feels nice, but I don't know if I can trust it on the basis of Dwayne really deserved that, or would they still be doing that? If they knew the real me. And I be questioning so much in that moment. So with that, I'm never actually trusting my partner, even based on the context of what I'm seeing, because my head is filled with self-doubt. And the relationship I have myself as so negative and it's so disconnected that it's really hard for me to have the open space, to connect with my partner and to really build that trust. And on the other hand, if I was more on the avoidance side, Well again, I'm right. Not necessarily trust what it is I'm seeing, because I somehow believe that I'm the exception to the rule. So if my partner knew the real me, then they would absolutely. Feel really uncomfortable and they would check out. So the trust is only really surface level. It's only really based on the tangible things I can see in terms of getting certain tasks done. And even then, I might not necessarily trust my partners so much. So I take ownership, I take leadership and so I become hyper independent. Um, this idea of trust. It feels a little bit vague and it feels a bit messy. And so I might trust some functional. Tasks to be completed. But I don't necessarily trust emotionally because I don't know what's going to happen if I open up and if I'm vulnerable and that's where it gets a little bit messy. So. Building a foundation of trust in those moments can be really, really challenging. So if I am really wanting to build a trust with my partner, particularly a partner here, I have been so disconnected with. I'm actually going to have to build that relationship with myself. And there are multiple pillars that I worked with clients on, but one of the biggest pillars is really how do I feel towards myself? In a sense of, do I genuinely sincerely believe I am worthy of being loved. Just the way that I am without filter without necessarily having to do anything. Do I believe that I am valid enough as a human being. Without. Any conditions is the moment I get to that point. Then I can stop to really insole some sense of security. Because in relationships, when we're talking about this issue of trust, we are constantly outsourcing how secure do I feel? And I'm hoping that if my partner treats me a particular way, then I will be secure. But the ultimate truth is science. We can never control what our partner does or doesn't do. We can work alongside our partner and we want to build something together. That is so beautiful. Of course we do. And. That doesn't mean that we don't build trust without partner. But the ultimate truth is we never have control over somebody else. We just can't. And so if you're always outsourcing your sense of security or your sense of trust to someone else, Then you're leaving yourself wide open and realistically the early. Truest longest relationship you are ever going to have is the one with yourself. So the thing about trust, it really has to start internally. You're really having to develop that sense of security within yourself. In that. You know, that you can trust yourself. You knew that you can trust your own decisions. And you know, that you can trust yourself to do the right thing for you. Then actually you can trust in your own ability to resolve any problems or any pain that you might experience that let's say if the relationship didn't work out, for whatever reason, you have enough trust in yourself that you know what the right step is for you, whether it be to stay or to go, you just know that you can trust yourself enough to protect yourself. To do the right thing by yourself to. Either perceive that relationship, that it just gives you that. Loving feeling that feels so amazing. Or if it's not going to give you that, then actually do what it is that would serve you best, and that might be leaving, but really it starts with yourself and that you're really insourcing that sense of trust and that sense of security. But one of the pillows. Like I mentioned is really about knowing and believing that you are genuinely worthy of having that. And from then. Actually, it becomes a lot easier to start trusting. It becomes a lot easier to start opening up that door of vulnerability with your partner. Because you know that if you discover something in the absence of seeing whatever is that they're doing, but if you discuss something that you want to okay with. It's okay, because you can still trust yourself to know why it is that you need to do. And so you're not constantly trying to pursue knowing anything in everything, along with opening up their head and seeing what their internal mechanisms are in terms of their thoughts. You don't have to play that game, but actually you just know that you would be doing the right thing. And so you open up that door. And you are able to take that little bit of a rescue. We're able to take that step to share a bit more. If you self to expose yourself a little bit more, to be a bit more vulnerable. And that vulnerability is not actually seen as a weakness. There's no fare attached to the vulnerability, but it's really seen as such a peaceful thing. It's almost this phrase of. Aye. I'm giving you the privilege to get to know me better. Not that I'm scared of showing myself to you, but no. Getting to know me is a privilege and I'm allowing you to have that privilege. And so I'm going to see, how is it your response to this privilege that you're being given? If you like it, then great. If you connect with it, amazing. If you reciprocate fantastic. But also, if it's not what it is that I'm looking for in response to me sharing that bit of myself, then that's okay. Because I can withdraw that privilege. I can, I can really hold back again. And so, uh, For me to be able to insult sense of trust. It helps me to open up the door. I've got a lock to the key. I open up the door. And you can walk in. But also I can show you the door if it's not working. If it's not really the thing that I'm looking for, if it's not reciprocated, if it's not respected. And so. The issue of needing to know everything that is happening with my partner, doesn't really become an issue because I've got the context, spend time with them. I see what's going on. When I see them. But simultaneously I'm not constantly chasing the stuff that's in the absence because there's always going to be absence. But I know myself and I trust myself enough to know that I would know how to deal with that. If things did go wrong. But also I knew that I'm worthy of love. And so. It removes that layer of doubt or that layer of anxiety or insecurity. Wondering what is going on with my partner. When I'm not seeing them. So that is really foundational is absolutely necessary for us building trust and really reconnecting with our partner. So let's move on and talk about the trust building process when we are building trust. After doing the insourcing work is really about this idea of how we pace it. And I talk about pacing a lot, because I think this is really important. And I see countless couples where they try to dive in and they are exposing all of themselves very, very fast and they are so vulnerable so quick. And. It feels beautiful. They feel held. But then at the same time, they fall from grace at some point because they get SCAD or something happens and they weren't expecting it and they don't know how to deal with that. And it just, it leaves them in a place of real instability. So let's really consider the pacing. Well, obviously, if you've been married to somebody for many, many years, you're going to know one another, a. A bit better than if you've just met for a week. Um, but. It's really about. Pacing that emotional exposure and that emotional vulnerability. So I'm not talking about peace saying. Why ate for breakfast that day or what it is that I was doing that week. It's not necessarily about that, but it's more about the things that really light me up, but the things that scam me. The things that I feel really vulnerable about the things that make me question who I am, the things that made me question how good I am as a parent or how. I'm doing it work or how other people see me, how I see myself, all of these things are points of vulnerability, but they're also points of emotional exposure because these are deep conversations. And you can feel it when you all connecting with your partner on that level. We're not talking surface, which talking about. The rawness of us as a human. And for us to really step into that space of our rawness, we have to be willing to open the door to somebody. But the way in which we pace it is based on the risk. We feel like it would take for us to express and expose. And also the potential reward or the potential gain out of it. So, for example, I am willing to shy this a little bit because I could potentially get this affection. I could potentially be seen, be held. Really reconnect and really develop something that's peaceful. And so if I get that. I might share a bit more and I chair a bit more and a bit more because I'm continuously guessing positive reinforcement or I'm feeling continuously held. And I'm able to do that as whole, my partner and reciprocate the process. And it's never about. Overloading the risk and the hope that you're going to get exponential reward, but it's really about pacing. What feels safe to share in the moments to test out. And then moving on to the next step. What's the next thing that feels safe to share. And what's the next thing that feels safe to share. And even though this might seem a bit simple, particularly for people who have been together for a long time. I would actually argue. We often forget about our partners growth. And our partner often forgets about our growth. And it's almost because we see each other every day or potentially see each other every day. So if you imagine that you have lost a lot of weight, Or you're losing weight and you may have lost a lot of weight. But you yourself might not necessarily notice the differences day on day because you see yourself in the mirror every single day. But if somebody hasn't seen you for a month, for few months, for a few years, Then they would really notice the difference. And what happens with our partner is that we almost become blinded to that growth. We become blinded to the changes that have happened on a daily basis because we're so busy filling our lives with other stuff, like the third party that I would call it. That's we just don't see that growth. We don't see what's actually going on with them. We are not. Making the effort of learning about them daily. We are not making that effort. And then w unlikely to be making that effort with us as well. And so this is the reason why these small piece steps are so important because aren't, you might start discovering things about them that we didn't know. And vice-versa. No, I'm just going to quickly note the issue of broken trust. And when we've experienced betrayal. The trial can happen on so many different levels and I'm not necessarily talking about infidelity. Although, obviously that is a sense of broken trust. But it can even happen in things such as deceit lying. It could be social humiliation, which is essentially if let's say we're hanging out with a. Group of mutual friends. And I say something about my partner that isn't so nice that it could be humiliating. For example, if I comment about, oh, than ever doing the dishes or, you know, whatever it might be in, sometimes it might be almost like a throwaway comments. Or I might say that with the intention that my partner does, the dishes. But actually what these communications show. As humiliation of my partner in a public setting. And that is a form of betrayal. So it's ultimately anything that can really disrupt the harmony of the relationship. And, but also it's creating a fracture that my partner might not necessarily be expecting in front. My partner is never expecting that. And they're hoping for something better. That's that's the reason why that. So, how do we repair broken trust? Well, The. There is a huge difference between the intention on the impact. So even though I may have not intended to hurt my partner, For example, throwaway comment about all my, part of the evidence. Does the dishes. That might not be with the intention of hurting them. That might've been the intention of. I just need them to get the dishes done. But the impact is that they got hurt. And so for us to really repair. Any ruptures and trust is not focusing in on the intention. The intention doesn't even matter. It's not And on the impact. The fact that my partner is sitting that and they're hurting. I need to set with them in that pain. And I need to tolerate sitting with them in that pain for as long as they need set in that painful. So it's not necessarily about at me saying, oh, just get over it. It was a joke or I didn't mean it that way and kind of justifying myself. It's not necessarily about that. It's really about sitting with them in that heads. Ensure I could explain. What. What's going on for me. With a sincere apology. So I could say I'm sincerely, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you as much as this. This is why I was thinking by conceits hurt you. And I'm willing to sit with you for as long as you need in that hurts. I can do that, but it's not about negating it. It's not about minimizing. And it's also about recognizing that what might have my partner might be different to what hurt me. So it's never about minimizing. The. Hat's that, that end. If I don't feel like it's a big deal, if it's a big deal for them, it's a big deal for them. I need to set with that. And. The more that we can sit in that pain together. The more that my opponent feels acknowledged, the more that they feel held because I'm lit, she's sitting there holding them in mind. And it's also asking them about. What is it that they would want? And what is it that they would need? And what is it that I can do? And it's really about taking those practical steps as well to show the efforts intended in rectifying, what has happened. And here's the catch. It's not about just ratifying it for now. And I see a lot of couples where they come to me and they say, Hey, we've had this problem. And they repair it here in, do you know in that moment, but at the same time, they're not willing to actually maintain it. Long-term and I would say, oh, you know what? It's not about the short-term it's actually. About the long term, because if it's short term that you're intending to do it for that, it's really tokenistic. Swami site, this new point. So it's really about considering what is it that needs to change in the longterm and how can we uphold that? And on the other side for the person who's been hat. It's really about them considering what is it that they would need to be able to let go of what's happened? Because at some point they will have to let go. If they really want the relationship to work, they will have to be able to forgive. That. Rupture that's happened if they are really wanting to continue with the relationship and sometimes they might not want to. And that's okay. But if you're wanting to, then this idea of forgiveness has to comment. And forgiveness is not about being complacent and forgetting. Forgiveness is really about taking accountability for both parties and ensuring that it doesn't happen again. And as we're going through this process of rebuilding trust. It's absolutely about transparency and honesty, because you can never build trust with somebody who does not show you anything. As much as I was talking at the start about, well, you aren't chance to trust in the absence as a person, necessarily what it is. EDC. But you also have to see something, right? That's that's a bit the build. So context in the relationship. Um, the context has to be transparent. And I'm not talking about transparent in just the practical stuff. I E the. Things that they're saying to you in the day. About what they're up to that day, who they've spoken to you, who they've not spoken to you, what it is that they want to do. It's not necessarily at just about that, but it's also transparency. And there are emotions that you can actually feel their emotions when they're talking. And they're speaking quite. Honestly, and that expressive about what is going on for them. And Martin itself. Allows you to approach your partner a little bit more and really experienced some sense of emotional connection with them. And finally it's really about. How you foster an environment where you can regularly connect on an emotional basis. So one practice that I often tell people is. Scheduling a time in the week. And make sure that you both stick to it. So this is a time that isn't a diary you are committing to it, to, it is not changing. I don't care. If your friend has asked you to play golf, I don't care. You are keeping that time in your diary for both of you. And what you're doing in that moment is your really sitting, looking eye to eye. And you're really asking how do you feel. Really, how are you? And set with that. You don't have to interrupt. You don't have to ask you not rushing past it. But it's really about slowing down and asking them, how long are you? And the second thing is, how do you feel about us? Do you like how things are. All the things that are struggling. Uh, the things that are challenging you, all the things that I do, the, uh, potentially challenging for you to have. What's going on. And when we aren't able to book out that moment and have that on a regular basis. Then, what we're really able to do is know more about our partner. We literally scheduling in emotional connection time. And the more that we're able to do that, then we're really able to almost audit the relationship and we're able to auditor on a regular basis and really see what is happening in the relationship. What is it that. I would like to happen. How is it that we can grow? How is it that we can change? How is it that we can improve? And it certainly through this that we can really then start to build that trust and build that resilience within one another. If you liked today's episode, I would highly recommend that you hit the link below and do the free health quiz. What you can really understand a lot more about the relationship that you have with yourself as well as with others. And how is that you can optimize your mental wellbeing. To the best of your ability. This is completely free. And I hope it is in absolute service to you. And until next time. Take care.