Lost The Spark? 5 Steps For Long-Lasting Love

Transcript

0:00

I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible reach relationship fitness. So if you like this episode, I bet one of your friends or family members will D two. Please like, and subscribe and share it with your community because the better we are in our relationships. The best that our lives will become Banky Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create a secure, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert psychologist, helping high-achievers I'm business leaders to Tacoma relationship facts. Get your free health quiz, biller. To ensure your relationship success. Now. Onward with your journey. Hello, relationship success, tribes. So good to have you here because today we all talking about. Why does the honeymoon phase. Die. That's essentially it, because when we enter relationship moral from the not the start of the relationship is the part that feels so exciting. There's energy, there's chemistry. There's the mystery. And that is so much athletes from both of you, but as time goes on, unfortunately, that effort starts to die out. You become used to each other. You then just start to enter this really mundane pattern. And for some people who have previously experienced trauma or who have been trauma bonded. They will literally create the chaos because they are addicted to the drama. They are addicted to the chaos. There might not necessarily like that phrasing. And I'm here to be honest with you, not to be friends with you, but if you are addicted to the chaos, because that is the thing that's familiar, that's the thing that you're used to. You end up creating the chaos and the relationship. But lo and behold, at some point you will also enter a nother honeymoon phase. So let's talk about why is it that the honeymoon phase dies out? Problems that can come up along the way, but also what it is that you need to do so that you can have a long lasting, healthy relationship. So you have long lasting love that goes beyond the honeymoon phase, where you're actually able to build a secure untrusting relationship that stands the test of time. And I hate to burst anybody's bubble, but it is not about doing the grand gestures. It's not about the fact that Bob down the road has done such amazing things. And I wish my husband was like thoughtless, snot. It's all what it is. But the things that really make a happy and healthy relationship. All the small things that are consistently done every day. It's the hard stuff. As well as the efforts, as well as the commitment. And also how it is that we start to overcome sets and challenges and certain problems that we face. No. Less. About five sneaky signs. That means that you might be. Deluding yourself in this image of honeymoon or this image of love. But actually it's stopping you from having long lasting love. And also solutions in terms of what it is that you need to do. Now let's get started. Number one. The avoidance of the difficult. Conversation. Avoiding the difficult thing to say. Now having difficult conversations, it's not pleasant for anybody. And more often than not, we like to avoid difficult conversations just as people. Because why would we put ourselves through discomfort? Right. When we all face with problematic situation with our partner. It literally elicits and it evokes the sympathetic nervous system. It makes us. And to fight or flight, even if it's on a small level, but we enter the fight or flight response and we feel anxious. We feel sick, we feel apprehensive. We don't know what the response is going to be. So we end up holding back and we avoid, and we, we withhold. We suppress ourselves. We try to convince that our method is wrong or our vision is not appropriate. The thing that we're wanting, isn't really the thing. And so we talk ourselves out of saying the thing that we probably should say, and we don't say those things because it's too hard. Let's just be clad with regards to what I'm talking about here, because I often get these comments from clients. Or followers of the show saying, okay, book. How do I have a hot conversation? What is the hot conversation? What does that look like? And how do I approach it? And do I approach all hard conversations or do I approach some of them? And all of a sudden there's a Marriott of different questions that come up with regards to this idea of avoiding difficult conversations. Can be detrimental to your relationship. So let's clarify a few things. When you're in a healthy relationship. You all going to have to absolutely site the hard stuff. You all going to be challenged in ways that you may have been challenged before when you in unhealthy relationships. So a healthy relationship challenges you to have those difficult conversations to ensure. Your wellbeing. To ensure your partner's wellbeing. And to ensure the health of the relationship. And this is absolutely vital because we are having the difficult conversation. Not because we're wanting to answer conflict, not because we're wanting to, self-sacrifice not none of that stuff, but we're having that hard conversation because. I know that I deserve to experience. Good wellbeing. I knew that my partner deserves healthy, good wellbeing. And I know that this relationship needs to be assessed in terms of its health and whether or not it can with stand the test of time. Right. So this is the reason why I'm having those difficult conversations. So they may sound like. You know what, when you set this in front of all friends, it really upset me and I was questioning how much do you care about me? How much do you love me? That message. The, I interpreted from that, with that, I don't mean that much to you. Those are the kinds of hard conversations that we need to be having. And it's really, uh, on, on multiple different levels. So for instance, the first level would be to describe the difficult situation. That you were in. To describe the emotions that you experienced, but also to describe the interpretation that you made from that situation. So for example, The situation was, we were with our friends. And you said. This thing. So you might have said, oh my house messy this morning. I don't know I'm making this up now, but you know, you could've said something. In front of our friends. I felt embarrassed. I felt shamed. I felt anxious. And the interpretation that I made from it, whereas that you think I'm a mass or that you don't like me or that I'm not good enough. When we are able to have that kind of difficult conversation, that is when the game changes, because we all really stunting. For our wellbeing was standing for our partners, wellbeing, respecting them enough to give them the opportunity to either create themselves or to make it up or something, to change for us to really resolve this issue. So we can move on. And we're also assessing. Is this relationship going to work? So it's absolutely crucial where. Where is it difficult conversations in an unhealthy relationship? They will challenge you to suppress yourself. It's almost like you get tested with how much can I suppress myself? This difficult thing happens. This this difficult situation happens. I feel this difficult emotion. But it's too hot and actually, you know what, it's all my fault. I take on all the blame I take on all the responsibility. But I'm also pointing the finger very secretively to my partner and saying, oh, you know what? That just like this. And I just have to tolerate, if I'm going to carry on going with this relationship. And we might do that because we're frightened of rejection. We're frightened of being alone. We're frightened of what the consequences might happen. If the relationship ends, we're frightened of looking at all of these things that we are willing to sacrifice our wellbeing. To potentially maintain their wellbeing and to potentially maintain the relationship. But actually we don't really know the health of the relationship. So the difficult conversations in an unhealthy relationship is really about how much can I suppress myself. How much can I avoid? So. If were avoiding certain emotions, certain thoughts and expressions. That is a huge sign that this relationship is only really lasting because we're having surface level conversations. Because we're unable to have that emotional. Conversation while we emotionally connect and she, we ended up maintaining this emotional distance. So that becomes incredibly harmful. And also what we know with regards to data that's coming out is science in couples. Wow. The stressed. There are also some couples when they express their stresses to one another. When they express their frustrations to one another. Those couples live longer versus couples who also experienced the same stresses, same frustrations, but they don't express that she surprised. And a lot of that is really to do with how is that we end up. Experiencing and regulating our emotions. It's really to do with the resolution within our nervous system, within our physiology, because the mold, it was suppressing. It doesn't mean that the difficult stuff goes away. It just means that our body has to trap it. And that has a whole heap of consequences. So we've got longer term chronic release of cortisol of adrenaline. That's a higher level. And we end up experiencing so many different problems that are associated with it. So one of the biggest things to really ensure that you end up having a long lasting relationship, as opposed to this burst of honeymoon phase. Or best of honeymoon. And then he entered the chaos. In the hopes that you'll get to the honeymoon phase is really about. All you willing to have that difficult conversation. And it's really about this. Open. Practice. I have a relationship check-in and the way that I would. Phrase, this. This is. Hey. Let's schedule in a time while we have absolutely no disruptions where it's just me and you. And that might be in the call when we're driving somewhat and we're in silence, or it might be that actually the kids are in bed. We're looking at each other. Our phones are in the other room, whatever it might be. But we're really then starting to assess the relationship. And a couple of guiding questions might be things like. What have I received in this relationship? Why have I felt unable to express something in this relationship? And also, how have I contributed to the challenges within this relationship and a guarantee if you use these three questions as a bit of a guiding. Measure. T these relationship check-ins then you'll really starting to open up the door to having more in-depth conversations where you can then start to really emotionally reconnect and really start to assess a Meyer. Okay. You okay? And is our relationship okay. Sign number two. Idealizing your partner. In terms of the potential that they could be rather than accepting the reality of who they are now. When we all in that honeymoon phase, particularly at the start of a relationship, let's say you're dating somebody or, you know, you might have known this person at work. You might've seen them around in the gym. And when you're in that initial phase, that honeymoon phase. You don't know all of them, you just snow parts of them. And guess what? When you went to eating. They are showing you that best side and you're showing you. Your best side to them as well, because I can't imagine many people would choose to go on a second, third, fourth date with somebody. If they bad, all of their ugly. And if we're holding this in mind, Then it's important to know that actually routinely seeing one side of them, we're seeing the most perfect side of them. The ideal side of them. But we're not seeing all of them. And with any human being walking this planet. We have both good and bad. We're not all good. We're not all bad, but we are a mix. And it's the same with your partner. In the sense that they will have some qualities that you really want, that you are wanting to see more of, but there will also have some qualities that you think, oh my gosh, like, why. Right. And. The thing is, is that those areas are actually areas of the. Huge opportunity pieces for both your development and for that development. And I can talk about that in any trap soap. But the point I'm trying to make is that your partner is whole. With so many different components and so many different frontiers that make up who they are. But if we are only ever living in this romanticized idealized version of them, the version that we saw on alpha state, Then we are essentially creating this false sense of what reality should be, and we're constantly trying to strive for that false reality. And it's not real. It's false. What would striving for that castle in the sky when this new castle in the sky, but actually there is this reality in them. And the more that we're able to start really leaning in and recognizing, Hey, you know what? My partner is not perfect. We don't. We don't indulge the dislike for the that's not perfect, but actually what we're doing is that we're seeing them as whole. And we see that they have really great qualities that we really admire and respect, but we also have areas that we can develop and improve and grow upon. Then that's really where the growth of relationship lies. That's really one. We are able to maintain a relationship long term, and this is so important for it to go both ways. And it's, it's interesting because, uh, I've worked with so many couples on this and I've even done the smile and relationship whereby. The truth of the master is that when we get attracted somebody, we don't necessarily get attracted to their best qualities. The thing that keeps us in the relationship subconsciously is because we get attracted to the more challenging qualities. But let me, uh, just divulge in that a little bit more, we actually get more attracted to that qualities, which challenge something within us. So. For instance, if I am somebody who is. Really insecure. And if I'm constantly doubting myself, if I believe that I'm not good enough. Chances are I'm going to be a trunk to somebody who has really high standards. And am I kind of justify. Why I'm attracted to this person because you know, it's not just that they have high standards, but they're really generous that this, that, that whatever it might be. But one of the reasons why I'm a trying to teach them is because they have high standards and. That high standards elicits something deep inside of me that is still looking to be resolved that still looking to grow. And it's actually through both of us being aware of this issue that we can both shift. We can both change and we can both grow. So then I can start to consider, well, actually, What would be good enough? Am I good enough? Just the way that I am. What would that be? Like if I could lean into my worth. My wife is actually infinite for the fact that I'm here. What would that be? Like if I could really set and be grounded in that moment? Versus my partner who might have really high standards, really exceptional standards, you know, they might be doing that because they are wanting for themselves to be the best for them to have the best. And they're doing that because that wanting to protect themselves. But actually, what would it be like if they recognize that they're safe? Just the way that they are. And they don't necessarily have to start strive for perfection in order to be safe, but they can just be, and there are so many safe places for them. So really it's about recognizing the parts that are, I guess, a bit more challenging, the parts that we ignore during the honeymoon phase. Actually it's those parts that are really gearing to help us. Go the distance with our partner, because that's really whack. We develop, we grow and so do they, but we're recognizing it's cheap Ruby streets and through these qualities, How we marry up with one another and how there is an opportunity for both of us to really develop within each other. Number three personalizing, immediate gratification over long-term goals. This can be seen in so many different ways, but ultimately the relationship thrives on immediate enjoyment, like shad hobbies, fiscal intimacies, sacks. Uh, going on lots of nights out spending lots of money on these really luxurious lavish holidays locations. The where it is that you choose to live. If you're moving around from place to place. Certain lifestyle choices, the friends that you hung out, what it is that you end up doing any spare time, the types of jobs that you take. But ultimately the relationship thrives. On the immediate enjoyments, as opposed to really thinking about the long-term goals, the long-term things that we really value that we really want out of life. So for instance, I might really value firmly. But if I'm in this relationship and my partner is saying to me, Hey, let's travel here. Let's troubled Dallas, go all around the world. And live at the other end of the world where I will have very limited opportunity to see my family. Then it becomes really challenging because actually I am then dismissing and reducing the importance of my value so that I can experience the immediate gratification in the relationship. Or it might be that's. I am so intoxicated by the chemistry that's going on in the relationship that I completely forget about the fact that I want somebody who is secure, who is stable, who is trustworthy. And so I opt for any moment that I have with them, where there's that intense chemistry. But actually I then turn a blind Donnie to the real issues in the relationship whereby they might be a little bit hot and cold. They might be a bit intermittent in terms of that contact or there might be too much will T Lyssa. Yeah, I kind of ignore the stuff that is really important. So for instance of value of mine, Me as a whole individual might be it's half kids, but if I'm with my partner and that thing isn't really discussed, and it's not really considered in terms of how that would happen or what the plan would be, where we would live, how we would save up money for it. Any of these. Things that we might in the future want in the future. If these aspirations and these values aren't discussed, then we all essentially living in the media. We're not really living for the long term and we're not even laying the foundation for the long term. And here's something to also watch out for because often, and this is a really sneaky sign. When people talk about the future, but it's very much magical and it's very much vague and it's very mystical and it's almost like all well, you know, It'd be amazing when we live together here and we've caught the kids running around and all of these things, but there's no substance to it. There's no. Intention in terms of, well, what's the next step for the action plan or when is it that we would start trying? Or what would it look like if a, B and C happened and actually, how are we going to safeguard ourselves against us? If we did have kids. How would you even want to parent them? What is your choice? These things when we really start talking about more tangible concrete issues. It feels really hot to get to, and this is something really important to consider because if you all won't think to have a long-term relationship with somebody that goes beyond the honeymoon phase, This is really what we need to be daring. We need to be looking at things that are also really tangible. But things that matter. Things that are inherently. Meaningful in terms of your value system, but also in terms of how it is that you want to live your life. So it could be meaningful with regards to your lifestyle choice, but also in terms of your personality type. But these things are absolutely crucial. And the more that we get to spend in that arena, the strong that. That partnership would be because we are literally creating a commitment for one another, but also a commitment for ourselves. In terms of what it is that we would want and hope for in our future. Number four. Ignoring emotional beds. Emotional beds are setting cues that we express based on our emotional state. And when we express them. We are. Uh, hopeful that our partner picks it up, but we're not intentionally expressing with the point of our partner picking it up. So here's the difference. It's not about me huffing and puffing, slamming doors. To give my partner the signal that I'm not happy with them. That's not all what an emotional bet is. That's actually passive aggressive communication, but what an emotional bed is, is let's say I've had a hard day. And I come home. And I sit on the sofa. And I go, oh, And to in that moment, if my partner picks upon that and they sit next to me and say, Hey, what's Masa, or let me get you a cup of tea or they rub my feet, whatever it might be. But in that moment, they've picked up on how I'm feeling and they become really responsive to that. They are holding me in mind in that moment. And the reason why it feels so nice is because I feel held in mind. They might not necessarily know about my day and I might not divulge exactly what's going on in that movement. But I know that there are with me, there are emotionally with me. They are trying that best to connect with me on a deep level. And with that, I feel. Together with them. I feel held. I feel like I matter and that they see me, they witnessed me. And that is one of my basic needs, Matt. So, this is really important. But there might be certain times when something happens. And we are feeling something, but our partner is just unavailable that just snuck that and they weren't, don't be that for various reasons might not be that because they have a very low emotional intelligence IQ or EKU, let's say. They are struggling to regulate their own emotions. So they don't really have fat capacity to also regulate your emotions and enter that realm of co-regulation. Just haven't developed that muscle yet. It might be that they don't know how to navigate difficult conversations. It might be that they're not emotionally connected to themselves. There might be a whole heap of reasons as to why they might miss that. But ultimately. That's searched and they miss the signal. They don't know how to respond. Or they just don't see the signals for sponsee. And in that moment, you all left on your own. That's really tough. When you're in the honeymoon phase, though, at the start of relationship, it's only slight you can't get enough of each other and there's a lot more contact. There's a lot more communication. There's lot more efforts and enjoyment within that effort. Both ways. And so it's likely that something will be picked up. Because we're always talking. We're always in communication, but not only that. That is a lots of attention. And expression placed on you and vice versa. And the whole point of why. Picking up on these emotional beds is really important is because we feel held. We feel like we're being paid attention to. And having attention is one of the most basic human needs, but at the start of a relationship or in that honeymoon, not glorified period. We're getting a lot of attention. So we've already got like need mat. So it doesn't really bring in this issue. Not too much. Anyway, this, this idea of am I picking up an emotional bed or not? That as time goes on. Less and less attention has been placed on your partner and vice-versa. And we're growing more and more distant. And especially if you start bringing in work, if you bring in the kids, Household stuff. The work. Uh, that's needed in the house. So all of these different things, it just comes in and it then starts to separate you both because you then. And true life where you feel so busy with other stuff. That you have less and less time for each other. And unfortunately, one of the dilemmas I see a lot of couples entering is that they'll say, oh my goodness, you want me to go to work all day? You want me to pay all the bills? You wanting me to do the housework. You wanting me to play with the kids. You wanted me to do, help them with homework, put them to bed, all of that. And you're wanting me to pick up on your emotional cues. And, and, and to really respond to your beds really. And it just feels like an overwhelming li big task. It's just, you've added to the load and that's really huge, but also it's really problematic because what it means is that your partner then feels like they're a burden and it feels like it's too much effort to give to them. And you know, this couldn't, this is going to help them both ways. But the moment that your partner feels like a burden, because this is in the subtext of, of not picking upon their emotional beds. Is that they done start suppress, and then they're going to communicate it less and less. And so you enter this realm where it just becomes more and more challenging. And you become more and more emotionally distant. So the way to really earn the calmness is to have a daily ritual with your partner. And I love the idea of daily rituals. And this is something that I often talk about. So for example, the daily ritual might be. Uh, sending your partner. The text message at 12 o'clock every day. When you sit down and feel lunch while you're at work, or it might be first thing in the morning. So as you're leaving the house and they're going to work, you're going to work. You're going separate ways or whatever it is that you're doing, but having a ritual at a specific set point, and it might be something like sending them a message and it could be a random message, but it will be a message of, I really appreciate you. Or I really want spend more time with you. Or. I really admire how you handle difficult situations. I really respect. How is it you've been raising the kids or it could be, I just love. The way that you are whatever message it is, but the moment that we send a message like that, and we create a ritual event and, you know, the message has changed day on day and on the ritual itself might, might vary depending on what's appropriate, but. The moment that we do that, what we're doing is outreach. So we're actually starting to reconnect. We're making attempts to reconnect whack. It becomes a lot easier to pick up on the beds because we all supplying attention. Because our partners, as I have site. Attention, just as much as anything else in our life. Right. So if you're spending. However long on social media or with your friends or taxing some day. If you're spending that time with other people or with complete strangers on the internet, I guarantee half time to do that for you partner. Yeah, absolutely. Do. And the more that we do that with our partner, the more that we experienced sense of reconnect. And so then it becomes easier to pick up on the emotional beds, but also it becomes easier to express the beds. So. All in all, it just works in favor for your relationship health. Number five becoming too comfortable. And neglecting affection. When we're in the honeymoon phase at the ferry stop relationship. My goodness. Can it get heated? Right. I'm talking about the bad dream. And the chemistry might feel really intense. Intimacy sex feels really great, but I just wonder, grows on people and starts to go into a bit of routine. And you know, that. There's the average culturally there's there are different. Um, metrics for this, but let's say in the UK, And similar in us that actually the. Frequency of Sachs ends up being about once a week and many couples who are in a long-term relationship or who are married. And so there. Like I said that can be more frequent in certain cultures. That might be less soften in certain cultures, but. Even with that, if we're comparing it to the start of relationship or in that honeymoon phase, you know, sometimes it goes from five times a day to once a week. Like that's a huge drop, right? These are just the average. Measures that we've got at the moment. And so. When we're considering that. Yeah. We actually start to become a bit more distant and that's because where I, that. Not putting in as much effort when it comes to signs of affection. So it doesn't have to be full on sex, but it could just be even holding hands. It could be. Um, sitting with each other and putting your arm around your partner, it could be just putting your hand on their knee, whatever it is, but, but the more that we get comfortable in the relationship, we may then stop making an effort since one thing. And that's just because we're used to the person and, you know, the. Chemistry, the hormones have calm down. We're not really feeling as intense towards them. All second is that actually we start neglecting signs of affection, or we start missing the signs of affection. And so they may signal. She said that won't seem to be physically affectionate towards us. But we don't really lean into it so much because we just take it as norm. We've become comfortable too. It's almost like we become blind sided to that. And this is something that's really important to consider. W, how do you actually get over this? Well, it was really about prioritizing. Signs of affection as well as small gestures. So the small gestures. Could be fiscal touch. But it's also really about speaking your partner's love language. So the more that you get to know them, Even if chemistry was such a big thing at the start of the relationship or fiscal touch was such a huge thing. It may not necessarily be your partner's love language. And that's something really important to consider. So swim grease on, figure out what is that love language actually explicitly ask them, what is it that makes them feel most loved and most CAD full? What is it that supports them to feel emotionally safe and emotionally connected to you? Because the more that we get to do that, the greater that feeling of faction is between both of you, but then also it draws you in closer and Sue, then you become. Uh, more affectionate overall. And so it's not just about what happens in the bedroom, but it's the entire package of the relationship. And so even if. Let's say sex frequency goes down. It doesn't really matter because actually you're experiencing affection in so many different ways. And when you weren't having that. That's really what makes her relationship fulfilling because your partner then becomes so many more things to you rather than just the person bedroom, right? They're also the person who you want to do stuff with. You're wanting to spend your days where if you're wanting to go out, you wanting to see your friends with them. Uh, you ended up doing. Life with your partner, but that also happens in tandem with affection. So really start talking about your love languages. And so it could be fiscal touch, like I've mentioned, but it could be words of affirmation. So things like I'm proud of you. It might be things like gifts and the gifts. Doesn't have to be something grand. It could be, Hey, you know what? I was buying stuff at. Seek mock. Market on. I sold this chocolate ball. Oh my goodness. Do you remember this chocolate bar you used to obviously love it. So bolts it for you. All right. Even though I lost a gift, it could be an active service. And so that might be, you know what I knew busy at work. You were going to have a hard day. So I've vacuumed in. I made dinner and I've put the kids to bed. Right. So, so that's an active service, or it could be spending quality time with one another. And that's really quality time. Why. You're seeing eye to eye where. Your really connecting. As a per use to. Just being in the same household, kind of casually doing your separate things, even if you're sitting in the same room, but you know, you might be on your phone. They're on their phone. The TV is on. And this is not really quality time. Right? So it's really about thinking more creatively in terms of how can I start to speak my partner's love language, because that's really, what's going to draw you in and become closer. If you've liked this episode, please share it with a friend because chances are, they will like it too. And if you're wanting to check out your free health quiz, please click the link below and until then take care.