10 Ways Mental Fitness Helps You Succeed In Relationships

Mental fitness, emotional connection, resilience, survive infidelity, heal trauma bonding, rebuild trust, improve communication.
 
 Get marriage counselling near you in person or online, sign up to one of Dr Sarah's luxury retreats, and continue your path to success.
 
 

www.relationshipsuccesslab.com

 Sign up to the exclusive retreat: www.relationshipsuccesslab.com/retreat
 
 
Contact: info@relationshipsuccesslab.com

 LinkedIn: Dr Sarah (Alsawy) Davies

 Instagram handle: @dr.sarahalsawy
 
 

Find resources on: https://www.relationshipsuccesslab.com/relationship-quiz

Transcript

0:00

My relationship success tribes. So good to have you here because today we are going to be talking about mental fitness and why it's crucial to be mentally fit when it comes to our relationships. Now let's clarify what the heck is mental fitness? It's very, very different to getting out of the emotional struggle. When people go to therapy typically it's because they've hit crisis point and they feel like they're in the trenches. They may have experienced trauma that may have experienced neglect. They may be struggling with themselves. But they are in the depths of struggle. And it's so important that we're able to lift up and lift out of ants. Um, to heal our liens, but mental fitness. That's really why the game changes that is when not longer trying to fight for survival, but we're actually trying to fight to beat the best it's really about optimizing. So if you think. About people who enter the Olympics, they are. Fleets. They are resilient. They all strong. They have perfected that art. And they are working relentlessly to be the best that they could possibly be. And it's the same with our mental health. It's not about just not struggling, but it's actually about being our optimal selves. And really creating the environment whereby we can be the healthiest that we can possibly be from a mental and emotional standpoint. But also to strengthen that resiliency muscle. Because that is the thing. That is really going to level up our relationship with other people, but also our relationship with ourselves. And if you're looking to improve your mindset in any way, but you might not necessarily know where to start or what it is that you need to focus in on, or it feels a little bit muddled up. I really recommend that you go ahead and you click the link below in the show notes, because in that I have created a very specific and a very unique questionnaire for you to complete on the results will literally show you. What ERISA is that you need to work on as well as what steps you need to take in order to improve your mental fitness and your relationships. So please check it out. It's absolutely free. And the results come straight to you. So here are 10 reasons why mental fitness is crucial when it comes to your relationship health. Number one, it improves your emotional regulation. This is an absolute game changer. When it comes to challenging relationships. Especially if you're somebody who's a little bit more anxious Lee attached, or if you're a bit more avoidantly attached, you've lost some kind of insecurity going on. What often happens is that emotionally you are really struggling to regulate. And you go one of two ways. If you're anxiously attached. Chances are you're going to outsource that emotional regulation. Because you've got this ball of anxiety. You don't know what to do with it. And it's almost as if you are launching it at your partner in the hope. That they can calm you down in the hope that they can package it up and a nice little bow and give it to you back. So beautifully. However, what. Happens in that moment is that you're actually outsourcing parts of yourself to your partner. And whether or not they respond that is out of your control, but also it means that you end up letting go of your own ability to regulate yourself. You actually no longer insource and really strengthen that muscle and that you all capable of being independent, that you all capable of thriving. On your own. So it's really important that we are able to emotionally regulate ourselves. But also let's say if you're avoidantly attached, you're more likely shut down. You're more likely to suppress and to create that emotional distance within yourself that actually getting in touch with the feely stuff. That's really, really tough. Um, and that becomes really challenging because how that reflects in your relationship is that you end up creating an emotional distance between you and your APOC. The. And your partner's going to feel that they might feel as if they're not like important. They might question how much you're holding them in mind. They might question how much attention and how much love you really want to give to them. And it might not be out of anything malicious that you're doing that, but that's just the way that you operate. And so if you really work on your mental fitness, It improves your ability to emotionally regulate on this is crucial fatigue, things that actually you are able to insource the emotional regulation that you know, that you are resilient, that you are able to. Navigate the emotional world on your own. And that in itself is crucial because it means that you really maintain that the source of your own power. But also it supports co-regulation. So there will be times when. Naturally in a relationship, you will want to support your partner and you'll want your partner to support you, but that can only ever happen if we are regulated ourselves. So if I wanted to support my partner, that means I have to be able to regulate myself. And I have enough space. I have enough resilience. I have enough of a support system within myself that I can hold my partner in that moment that they need to be regulated and vice versa. But if I'm not regulated, it's going to be really, really hard for me to also provide support for my partner and for it to be a healthy co-regulation. Instead of a career dependency. So codependency being, I need you to need me to need you to need me. And we're just in this relationship based on needing each other to need each other, as opposed to really supporting one another, to get nourished and to survive, to live on, to thrive. Number two. Mental fitness is crucial, full communication skills. Now communication is symptom of and stunting. But it's also really important that we are able to communicate. So there is still skill involved within communication, but if wet not emotionally fit, then it becomes really hard for us to. Communicate what it is that we're experiencing it and how it is that we're feeling, what it is that we're thinking, but also how it is that we're receiving certain messages from our partner and how that's impacting us or how our world, our own personal stresses that is outside of the relationship, how that's impacting us. This is so important because. The more that we're able to articulate ourselves. To our partner. The more that we actually open the door and we allow them to walk in. We allow them to experience what we're experiencing and we Shabbat world in that moment. And that's where the beautiful, emotional connection happens. So emotional connection. Isn't just based on saying, I love you and I love you back, but it's really about sharing that's emotional experience, whatever is happening. And it's really about. Experiencing that sense of belonging within one another, but we can only have a D that if we really open up our welds to one another, and one way we do that is through communication. So mental fitness supports building that communication scale. And this is crucial. This is something that I absolutely work with when it comes with to clients. More specifically about how do we build that mental fitness? So it's really about optimizing it every opportunity in how we grow ourselves. Our sense of self-worth. But also our own internal strength and our own resources. Number three. Being mentally fit means that you can be more empathic to your partner. No. I said communication is super impulsive, which it is. Um, but I also said the communication is a symptom of understanding. Now. What's the point of communication while we communicate. And it's when someone another, right. That that's basically what it is. But we only pursue understanding when we have the ability to empathize without partner. So have you ever had a situation where you've been so frustrated for whatever reason and your partner comes along? And they're trying to explain something or you're trying to explain something, but you just don't see eye to eye your literally blocking yourself from understanding them and that blocking themselves from understanding you, there is no attempt. To in some form or another. And the reason why there's no attempt to. No, that is because there's no empathy. So I want you to really think about this almost like a lasagna, right? So on the surface, you get communication under that you get the pursuit of understanding buttons and he thought. You have to have empathy. Or at least attempting to stay in that brown with empathy. And when you're immensely fit. You have a greater capacity. For empathizing with your partner, because you realize that. Not everything is about you. And. That can be a good thing. Right? So whatever your partner is stressed, when they make a comment, when they are in a difficult place, whatever it might be, that's going on. It's not necessarily about you, but it could actually be about them. It could be about something else. It could be about something that's greater. And you get to a point where you recognize that the problem is the problem. And the problem isn't you. It's not them. But the problem is the problem, and that's the thing that really needs to be resolved, but you can only really get to that state when you all mentally fit. Number fall, why mental fitness is so important. Well, and because it supports conflict resolution. Now I've mentioned, the problem is the problem problems. Not me. The problem is not you. This is crucial because. I see so many times with my clients and I feel so sad for them. I really do because they get into these escalated arguments and that. You know, when I asked them, what, what did this argument even stem from? The, the point of which it stemmed from was something so innocuous or something so small or something that. You know, really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. But all of a sudden it escalates and it becomes this huge deal. And the reason why it becomes so big is because the issues become personalized. And so it gets interpreted as. I hold all the blame. I'm at fault here. I didn't do enough. I should be doing more. I am very guilty or it could be you did everything wrong. You all guilty. You always do this, or you never do you that. And when we come into this realm of extreme language. So for example, we using terms like always or never, then it becomes really problematic, right? Because some were making it personal. And what also labeling the problem to be inherent within that person. Uh, whether it be you or whether it be your partner. Or is the reality is no, one's a hundred percent good. No, one's a hundred percent bought, right? We're we're a bit of both room next. We have some really great traits, but we also have some problematic traits, but the thing to really consider is the problem is the problem. And the more that we're able to externalize it and really look at it. Then what able to. Depersonalize a. And so it doesn't become a personal attack for either person. And so we don't have the need to become defensive. Because we know it's not about us, right? The world is not about us. And people who immensely FET, they know that and they are then able to think a bit more dynamically and part of. This is because aren't you come through a space of emotional security and emotional safety. One of the practices I often do with my clients to really promote them. Mental fitness is. How do you really strengthen your ability to get in touch with your personal aesthetic nev system? So the person that's in the system is. Our ability to feel calm. To feel content. And sometimes it's linked in with the sense of grass cheat, but it's really hard for us to get to the place where we feel grateful or why we feel content or where we feel hurtful. That can sometimes feel really hard if we're coming from a space of emotional threat. So it's really about rewiring the nervous system and there's various different processes I support people with, but ultimately it's about home. Do we. How do we train our body from automatically entering the fight or flight response? The sympathetic nervous system, where we feel on edge, we feel tense. We feel anxious and everything just feels so inflated and so problematic. How do we retrain ourselves from going from that space into a space where. It is what it is. We don't feel anything we're not activated. And we're actually looking at the chaos that might be in front of us from space of calm, from the space of stillness, from a space of strength, because the more that we can do that, I guarantee the stronger that we all overall. And actually it translates to so many areas in our life that we are just able to problem solve a lot better. And we might face stressful situations, but we don't get stressed. And there's the key. That is what mental fitness does for you. Number five. Mentally fit people. All more willing to take personal accountability. I'm going to say something hat and I'm a little battering, she's saying it, but I'm going to say it anyway, because this is truth. That all so many times when I've spoken, publicly saying that you do not have to be a victim and you are not a victim, you should not be a victim. And. More from the night. I get a lot of comments back from people saying, how dare I say, things like that. And actually know they are a victim because are a victim of some horrendous situations. Abuse neglect, whatever it might be. And. When I'm saying you don't have to be a victim. I'm not as whole minimizing emotional pain or trauma that you may have experienced or the attacks that you might have experienced. But there's, there's a tipping point. There's an edge. And you really need to be clear about this edge. So the edge is. The situation is terrible, why the situation is, but the situation is painful. It's uncomfortable. It's a bad thing that I've experienced. Am I going to sit here? And. Acceptive XOM Herge. Or am I going to get up? And a migraine to change something. Am I going to really figure out a way of empowering myself and sure. I might need a helping hand this house. So you find this no shame in that, but am I going to stand up? Because if I remain that. Pointing the finger and placing blame short that other person moved on something that's horrific to you. I'm not all negating that or minimizing it. But if what pointing the finger. You're not actually empowering yourself. You're just remaining that in victim hood mode. So by the very virtue of saying, I'm not going to empower myself, you're, you're automatically saying I am a victim and I'm choosing to remain in victim hood mode. Whereas people who really work on their mental fitness? Well, no, they're willing to take personal accountability. They're willing to take responsibility for themselves and they're willing to consider. You know what horrific stuff happens. Horrific stuff happened to me. It's not okay. It's not good. But I'm also going to stand up and I'm also going to do something. I'm going to take responsibility over myself. How is I protect myself, but also what actions have I taken? That's half put me in a vulnerable position or what actions do I need to take in order to protect myself? What actions do I need to take in order to ensure my wellness? People who immensely fit. They are able to do that. And this is an absolute game changer because when it comes to a relationship, when our longest sitting there pointing the finger at her being moved partner changes and no longer sitting there, kind of blaming ourselves for. Not taking enough. Uh, responsibility. We're not sure with self-sacrificing. We don't do any of thoughts anymore. Because we're, aren't she looking at the greater good of the relationship being, what would be. In most serves for my wellbeing. What would be a Murray service for your wellbeing and what would be a Murray service for the relationship wellbeing overall? Number six. When you are mentally fit. You have got the resilience to stay in the relationship during tough times. I need to caveat this. Is that all, so many misinterpretations out that unfortunately the, uh, spreading like a virus on social media. When we are resilient to remain in tough times. It's a bounce grubbing allocate per city. City. To develop to understand our partner, but also to understand ourselves. As a purse to the resilience of staying in tough times via self-sacrifice via suppressing ourselves. So I'll give you an example. I have met so many clients. Wow. They'll say I've stood by my partner and, you know, we went through horrendous things and I was that I was that I was that, and I stood by them and I sacrificed. I sacrificed, but here's the thing. You start noticing that that language is really about sacrificing. So they say that they sacrifice themselves, they sacrifice their health. They no longer went to the gym. They no longer went to the. A beauty salon. They no longer went to. At see that friends, they would just stay at home with the kids all day or that they would be working relentlessly and they would sacrifice, sleep, whatever it is. But. They do all of these things. In sacrifice in the hope that if I. Just stay at home a little bit more. Then things will be okay. Or if I drew August. Uh, work harder and get more money in the bank, then things will be okay. We'll be happy. We'll be able to get through this a fine. Just make myself look a little bit more attractive. Then my partner will fall in love with me again, and then everything will be okay. That is not at all what I'm talking about because all of these things are essentially you're chasing the okayness via different methods. So it's not really about the thing. It's not really about going to work. It's not really about. Having plastic surgery. It's not really about these things that will make things okay. Um, but what you're actually doing in that moment is that you're sacrificing yourself. But you're wrapping it up. In the sense of strength. Right. So I am very strong because I have sacrificed my life for my partner. That's not strength. And. Uh, Queenstown a while ago. Which I express as the Masa syndrome. In a relationship. So the Mazda syndrome is where you think you're sacrificing and you think you're being really strong in the relationship, but all you're doing is sacrificing yourself. You think that you're doing this for the greater good of the relationship, but actually when you look at it objectively, Uh, nobody is benefiting from this. If anything, you'll just deteriorating. And so you no longer exist in the relationship, you as a human being in your authentic self. It just doesn't work. Or as people who immensely fit, they remain. True to themselves. They are wholly authentic within themselves. And that is key because if they're not authentic within themselves in the relationship, then. Houston, the relationship. Then all that. Right. Um, that partner doesn't actually assess the relationship. For them because they would just creating this mask. And the Musk isn't real. So people are mentally fit. They are true. They are authentic to themselves. And the relationship. But also they have the capacity to recognize, you know, what the relationship will face challenges. We will have arguments who will have disagreements and that's okay. But, you know what. And once you looking forward to those disagreements, because in each of those disagreements, there's. Is going to be something that I'm going to need to develop. There's going to be something that I'm going to need to grow. This. There's going to be an opportunity for growth for development. For me being a better partner. And instead of them seeing the challenges or the arguments from a lens of fair. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to have to sacrifice, or I'm going to have to work harder. I'm going to have to do X, Y, and Z to save us. They don't necessarily look at it from a place of fab, but they look at it from a position of opportunity for growth. And how are we going to make this relationship the best thing possible because. We've had this argument, not because we like arguing, but we've had this argument because we still have the capacity to continue growing together Number eight. This is really an, a share of anxiety and stress. When we were in a relationship. We want to feel supported, but we also want to know that we can support our partner. We think that the support is a two-way street. This is kind of in a healthy relationship, right? And there is this concept of co-regulation. That's why I feel secure enough to hold you. Because I'm also holding myself. But also you feel secure enough to hold me because you're also able to hold yourself, right? So this is why co-regulation really becomes a peaceful thing that I feel common off. The I'm able to calm me down and vice versa. So important. But if we're in a space where we are not emotionally regulated, we are going to be feeling anxious a lot of the time. And if we're already. Anxiously attached. If we are already wounded, if we fear abandonments you any degree, then it becomes really challenging because we end up spelling our anxiety out into the relationship and onto the other person. And we all praying that, that the person is going to resolve our anxiety, that they've got the solutions they've got the answers that we all looking for. But unfortunately that's not how it works, because it's really important that we have that inner strength that we have that inner resilience that we know what it is that we really need. What it is, that's going to help us the most and that we are able to independently in-source that. And it's not to say that we cause her from our partner, we never. S want support from them or we never welcomed support from them? No, of course we do. But it's that we can't be fully dependent on our partner because if we're fully dependent on them, Then we start to create a really harmful dynamic, why we are really heavily drawing upon their resources. They then start to get really tired. And eventually at some point that I let you know what I've signed out a con D this, because it's just exhausting. I'm giving you so much, but it's not landing. You're not receiving it. And this is really with the anxiety cycle. However, when you're building your mental fitness, that then no longer becomes a problem because your able to really insults. What it is that you're needing in terms of the resources, in terms of the internal strength, in terms of that narrative. You're really able to shift your internal state. That, that feeling of anxiety doesn't overspill into the relationship and that actually you're able to hold your own. And what's incredible about this, is that when difficulties happen in your relationship, You'll no longer fogged. Bye. How you interpret situations. You're able to look at the situation very clearly and very honestly, and you're able to consider what is the need, what it is that you want. As well as what you don't. This is really to do with self-love and for anyone who's been following me for awhile. You will know that I love the idea of self-love, but I love the idea of self-love the execution. However, It's very problematic. And I wish it was as easy as it is saying, Hey, just look yourself more. Because often we have suffered with some form of trauma, whether it be big T trauma, all this we'll see trauma and everybody's traumas may be different. That ultimately when we enter adulthood and we come across this idea of self-love. It feels really foreign. It feels really uncomfortable. And we might outsource that. Love. What I mean is that we believe that we all only worthy of loving. Ourselves. If we achieve that house, we achieve that promotion. We have that call. We have this money, we have this particular body, we look a particular way. Early then. Will I love myself. And guess what you go and you have plastic surgery, spend hours at the gym. You lose lots of weight. You go. Get that promotion you sacrifice sleepless nights, working really, really hard. And you get the thing that you believe that you wanted to make you happy that you would then be worthy of. Being loved I E. Loving yourself. That actually never get, ah, And so you feel happy momentarily, but then it goes away. And so you're constantly chasing this thing of happiness. This thing of self-love the thing that you believe is going to give you self-love, but it never comes. And the reason why I'm talking about this is because. The way that we feel about all selves will always mirror. How our relationships play out. So if I genuinely loved myself, I am going to have really happy, really secure, really trusting relationships, not see. Only way for the relationship to God. And it's because of the front that I love myself enough to respect myself to know what it is that I'm willing to accept and tolerate. And also what is. The thing that I'm not going to tolerate, what are my non-negotiables. And I become really, really clear on that. But if what. Anxious. If we're avoidant, if we're insecurely attached to whatever it is that might come about. And west struggling. It's going to be really hard for still of all. And we believe that we are only worthy of loving. If somebody else loves us, if somebody else is continuously showing us satisfaction. And so we're needing it a bit more, we're leaning into it a bit more. But with mental fitness. You can really start to strengthen that muscle of self love and shawl. Sometimes it can be really difficult, particularly based on your history. If you've had a very different traumas. But the more that we can really start to enter that realm of self-love and really recognizing our worth. That's when the game changes and that's really when we can start operating from a healthy and secure place. And that's where we can really start creating these secure attachments with other people. So who wouldn't want that? The reason why mental fitness is so important is because it provides us with a platform where we can really start to develop. Uh, experience of self-love. Number 10, and this is potentially my favorites. It is absolutely vital. That we have the platform. Two. I have growth mindsets. And we can only really grow if we are feeling mentally fat. So let me break this down. And I'm going to show my pestle bias. I absolutely believe that every single one of us should be growing. We might be growing slowly, might be growing fast. Regardless of the situation that we are being presented with, but we should all be growing and we should be growing as individuals. All we should be growing as a partnership with our, of the Hoff. That is if we're in a relationship. And the reason why it's so important for us to grow is that if we're not growing. We all deteriorating. When couples say to me, oh, well, you know, we're just in the same old routine. Or when people say to me, well, nothing's changed. Everything's just the same. And it's almost like the stagnating. There is no such thing as just plateauing in a relationship or in the relationship that you have with yourself, because as time goes on, you all. Receiving input from the environment. And you all letting different things, you all doing different things, you all experiencing different things. And this is absolutely crucial. It is crucial that you're open to having those new experiences, to thinking thoughts that you may never thought before to being able to problem solve. Things in ways that you would have never anticipated before that you're actually having those difficult conversations with your partner, because then it means, Hey, you know what, maybe we won't be in this difficult place again. And that weren't she trying to resolve this issue? So that we can have a brighter future together. Your literally doing all of these different things. Because you're growing, but also because you're doing these things and because you're growing. You all then growing even more. And so it's this perpetual cycle of growth, which I think is absolutely necessary because. If you weren't doing that. You're closing the door. You're closing the door on the opportunity of becoming a pasture individual, yourself of growing more yourself, of understanding yourself more of really discovering what you value, what you appreciate, what you love by yourself. What makes you light up first thing in the morning, but also what it is that makes you withdrawal. Yeah, there is so much for you to learn about in terms of yourself, but also for you to develop in terms of, Hey, you know what? I've got this trait, or I've got this habit, or I've got this blind spot, but I'm not really that happy about. And I'm going to say responsibility, I'm going to change. I'm going to do something to improve myself because you know why I deserve to have something better. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have the best relationship I deserve to be successful in whichever domain it is that I'm looking at these things aren't crucial, but again, we can early have a D that's. If we are coming from a place of mental security, which again, relates to the issue of mental fitness, I was talking about to begin with. And that really provides us with substance in terms of our mindset growth. Is there anything that I've spoken about in this episode has resonated with you. I highly recommend that you go ahead and you get a hold of the free health quiz. Because I guarantee that this is a game changer. You are going to be able to identify exactly the areas that you need to be working on. And what steps you can take in order to improve it, whether it be specific to your relationship in terms of communication, in terms of signs of affection, and how is that your response to their emotional beds? Or if it is something more internal within you in terms of your level of anxiety, your level of security and how it is that you can move forward. And with that, I wish you every success. In your journey. And until then, Take care.