Pay Attention To Your Gut Instinct! It tells you a lot about love

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, fulfilling relationships. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning psychologist and consultant. Helping high achievers on business leaders become relationship FET. Get your free health quiz. And the link below to get started now on with your journey to relationship success. Hello. My relationship success tribes. So good to have you here. Um, today, we all talking about why you'll gut instinct. Is vital when it comes to your relationships. As well as your mental fitness in general. And so many of my clients will come to me saying that they had this weird gut instinct. They have this feeling, they had something, they physically weren't feeling very comfortable. They knew that something wasn't quite right, but they couldn't quite figure out they couldn't quite. No, what to do with that feeling. And more often than not, especially in high achievers or people pleases, what happens is that if you have this gut feeling and it feels a bit uncomfortable, Maybe your breathing is a bit shallow. Maybe feel a bit sick in your stomach. You've kind of got this, not tied up in your stomach. What often people do is that they either think, oh, this is a sign for me to achieve more, to work harder because I'm not good enough. And I need to. Really fight the situation so that I can be better. Or people pleases. May then opt down the root of all it's because I've upset somebody, somebody else is not happy with me. I am therefore guilty of mistreating somebody or not doing what I should do, and therefore I should do more and more. Now. Well, unfortunately happens as well. Is that. I the path you go down. It can potentially lead to some very problematic self-sabotaging behaviors because you're not really seeing the reality of the situation or the reality of your relationship. Well, the reality, if you'll south for what it truly is, But you are guessing that loop shop in the story that is made up inside of your own mind, believing that it's true. So let's break this down a little bit more in terms of why our gut instinct is so important, but also how is it? We start to recognize our gut instinct as opposed to suppressing it to or misinterpreting the signs. Niggas, these are so many different components that occur. And the other thing to mention here is that I don't think he is ever possible. To talk about our relationships to talk about relationship health or even our mental health and our mental fitness. I don't think it's possible to talk about any of that stuff. Without, including our body. Because we live inside of our body, our mind lives inside of our body. And when we're in a relationship and we're meeting somebody and we are experiencing the world with somebody. And we're trying to figure out what is this? It activates that deeper parts of ourselves, our deeper mind, but it also activates our visceral responses. What is happening to us physiologically? And we use our physical cues to make interpretations of the situations. And we then act on it. So for example, If I feel really anxious on fiscal standpoint. So it might be that I'm finding it a little bit harder to breathe. I'm noticing that my chest feels a little bit tight or I physically feel like I'm on a schedule. I'm walking on eggshells. And I'm just feeling a bit tense. Let's say if that is what's going on for me physically, what I'm likely to do is use these fiscal responses and subconsciously interpret them and make a story about why I'm feeling this way. And more often than not. People then end up using these physical signs to interpret. I have done something bad. I have done something harmful. I am inappropriate in some way and I should do more. I should be better. I should deliver more. I should provide more. Or it might be, I need to avoid and I need to withhold and I need to withdraw and I need to. Uh, put myself under the covers in case if anybody sees me and I'm going to be under attack. So ultimately we start making these interpretations based on our physical sensations in terms of what it is that's going on for us, how we are positioned with our partner. How our partner feels about us, but also what it is that we should do to stay safe. Now let's go into the depths of why we have a gut instinct. Why does this even happen? It's really down to an evolutionary development now. And we'll body and our brain is so intelligent, but sometimes it's not that intelligent. So here's what I mean by that. Our brain and our body is so intelligent that we have developed all of these mechanisms for survival. And our body and our brains main goal in life is to survive. Even if front means that suppresses your opportunity for living. I'm going to repeat that again, your brain and your body. Is geared up for survival, even if it means suppressing your opportunity for living. So, what that means is that your brain is created these nervous systems, these, these networks, these seq Heala systems. The keep going on, repeat to try and ensure that you survive. But it also neglects this opportunity that actually you might not be under threats. And you might be missing out on a whole heap of opportunities that would allow you to live. So for example, If you were in the cave man era. And you sponsored a tiger. Naturally. You'd feel anxious. And you would want to run. That makes perfect sense because it's your body survival mechanism. You go into the sympathetic nervous system. Pat gets activated, you've got a burst of cortisol, burst of adrenaline. That gives you energy on you run. You want to escape. You want to keep yourself safe. So your body is geared for keeping yourself safe so that you can survive. However. However you still get that same instinctual response. Even when the threat isn't necessarily that. So if you hear a noise. And it's dark. And you can't see what's going on. Your brain is automatically going to go to the worst possible scenario, as opposed to considering, Hey, you know what? It might just be the radiator coming on, or it might just be the Katnik store or it might be anything else. Your your good. To fear that something terrible is going to happen. You automatically go to the most catastrophic possibility. And it's only really through training ourselves that we then start to open a Powell mind and, and start to really lean into the fact that we might be safe. But the more that we can understand that we are safe, that's really when we start living, that's really when we can start optimizing our wellbeing, but also our relationship health that's really whatt true growth lies, but we can't do that. If we're in the mode of survival. So in terms of our gut instinct. The reason why we develop it is because there is very, very specific neural pathways that are located in our brain. Also down our brainstem. That. Are essentially connected to how we experience relationships. So when we all growing up, if we see other people as being neglectful, Or if we see other people as being inconsistent in terms of that cat, if our parents were sometimes caring, but sometimes absence. Or they did set and things for us. So maybe they were more practical. So they fetch you, they put a roof over your head, but actually the emotional contact wasn't necessarily that. If that's the kind of experience that you had then. Your nervous system and these circuits start developing to say, Hey, I need to operate in a way. That's going to keep me safe. And then you'd start to deduce. Okay. So what's going to keep me safe. Well, if my parent isn't going to respond to my emotional need, then me expressing my emotional lead is not safe. So I have to adjust myself and I have to change myself in order to adapt to the situation that men presented to. If my parent is only going to pay attention to me, if I. Um, Smashing it at school. If I am guessing straight A's. If I have a mounted such success, if else the only method that my parents will pay attention to me. Or at least avoid criticizing me. Then that is what I need to do and want to stay safe. And so we actually start to develop all of these circuits that get reinforced time and time again. And we start to reinforce them as well because we buy into that. We believe it to be true, that we have to be X in order to receive affection. We have to be Y in order to receive attention, we have to do this, this, and this in order for us to feel loved for us to feel good enough and worthy enough. Of receiving that affection. And so if you're thinking about it, it's huge because what it means is that we're constantly on the treadmill trying to operate in a particular way. To have a healthy relationship. But going back to my initial statement is that the brain is wired for survival, not living. So even though we might want to have happy and healthy, loving relationships, we can't actually get that because what we're doing. Is we're trying to survive in our relationship. So if we, for instance, belief. We have to achieve. An amazing amount of success. Let's call it financial success, or let's call it in slack or let's call it anything that you want to call it. But if we believe that we have to achieve that level of success. In order to be loved. Then we fear if we don't achieve that level of success, we're not going to be loved. We're going to be rejected because we're not cooked enough. And with that, All we are trying to do is survive in being good enough. That's all that we're trying to do. We're not even questioning. Hey. Can I not be loved just because I'm a human being. Can I not be loved because I have lots of good qualities short. I'm not perfect. Nobody is, but can I not be loved? The fact that I'm human and I'm here and I'm doing my best and I have good intentions and I've got this love to give, and I want to do my very best in communicating and connecting and. And really having that reciprocated affection, would I not be good enough just for that? Right. And, and actually, if we are able to lean more into that, that's really when we start to create something, why we are potentially then starting to question status quo. Am I operating blindly chasing. Uh, faction whilst also avoiding rejection. Am I just operating in this hamster wheel modality? Or can I start to create a new seconds and phone God for neuroplasticity. So as much as I'm talking about these neural circuits that get developed, particularly when you're young, We can change it. We absolutely have the parts change it per. We need practice. We need to first be aware and second, we need to be able to practice actually, how can we start developing these happy and healthier seconds? How can we start creating these seconds? Why by. I stopped to really recognize what's happening in my body. Recognizing what messages I'm interpreting from it. But also, what is it that I need to do in order to move myself forward in order to end any potential sabotaging. Behaviors, but also how is it that I can start creating something that might give me the opportunity of experiencing. Validated. I love that I can really feel held and that I'm not constantly chasing, nor am I constantly trying to escape. How can I be in a place where it feels safe? So going back to this idea of a gut instinct. When we are in fight or flight mode, which is the sympathetic nervous system, what often does, is it also disrupts something that. Is called the Vegas nerve. Right? And so the Vegas nerve is this long nerve, which goes essentially from our brain all the way down to our guts. And it leads into various different. Organs in our body. And the vagus nerve is crucial for activating the parasympathetic nervous system. So that's kind of the calming nervous system. So when we're in fight or flight, it's really hard to feel calm. But it's important for us to feel calm in order for us to really create that sense of security. So one of the things I often practice with my clients is how do we start shifting? How do we start training our nervous system to really start operating from a place of safety? Because the more that we can remain in that space of safety. The more that we can then catch ourselves. And when we're interpreting these difficult messages, All these inaccurate messages that say, Hey, you're not good enough. Actually can we, can we stop and check ourselves? Is that really true? What is it that I'm really trying to get here? Am I trying to gain affection. Is it true that the only way that I can get affection is by sacrificing myself. And if that's the case and should I be sacrificing myself? Right. So. It's only really through that visceral safety that we can really start to then open up our mind and broaden that mental horizon to really consider what is it that we're doing and how is it that we start moving forward? And with all of this. Well, interestingly, I will, I will. This is also named the second brain, right. And the reason why it's called the second brain is because there are various different. And Simon points and various different areas whereby we receive hormonal cues. That's awesome. Activated by our subconscious minds. So if I was to just talk about this in the most basic terms, Our subconscious mind is operating 95% of the time. So 95% of your behaviors. Of what you do of your choice and partner, even in terms of how you interact with them, your choice of communication, the way that you communicate all of these things, 95% is governed by your subconscious mind. So you're really, really conscious 5% of the time. Um, this means we really need to stop focusing on, on what our subconscious mind is saying. And our subconscious mind. Has been pretty much sets by the age of about seven or eight years old. And luckily, thank goodness we can change this as long as we're aware. But what that means is that our subconscious mind has developed all of these deep rooted core beliefs about ourselves, about our worth, what it is that we need to do in order to gain a healthy relationship. And this is very much mapped on to our nervous system. So we literally have these. Physiological sec, it's inside of us that say, this is how much you're worth. This is what you need to do in order to get attention. And if you don't do this, you're going to get rejected. That's ultimately we have circuits that state these things. And this is very much leading into queues that is detected by the brain. So whenever we are with somebody. And we get this gut instinct. What actually happens in that moment is that I was subconscious mind is picking up on very subtle keys that your conscious mind not be able to. Uh, recognize, or it might not be able to justify or it's just that. It's just that feeling, you know, like sometimes you just can't quite explain it, but you, but you just have that feeling, right. What is happening in that moment is that your subconscious mind is picking up on very subtle keys on that 95% subconscious. So it's ultimately two subconscious beings talking to each other, but, but what happens is that your subconscious is talking to that subconscious. And you're picking upon keys. You're recognizing certain things. And the subconscious mind takes it. It absorbs it and it says, Hey Presto, you know what? I recognize this. I recognize this pattern because it reminds me of my history. Don't worry, conscious mind. You don't have to get in gear because I have rehearsed the patterns so well, I'm going to ensure your survival. I'm not going to insure your living. I'm going to enjoy all survival. And that's basically how the subconscious mind works is that we are constantly operating to. Survive. We're not operating to live. We're operating to. To survive. And when we're receiving these subconscious cues from Al partner or from other people, it doesn't have to be our partner. But what happens is that it sounds subconscious mind. That's receiving these cues and our subconscious mind. It leads to these visceral sensations. We also start making interpretations and beliefs about, Hey, I'm worth this much. This is what's going to happen. I have two. Operate in X, Y, and Zed. And do a, B and C in order to receive a faction. And this is my position in relationship, and I'm not going to question status quo, or if I do question it, then I really have to consider all of these Fontes and essentially your subconscious has got it all mapped out, and it's also reflected and married in your nether system. So this is really important for you to pay attention to, because this is ultimately what's happening. Okay, let's move into. What do you do with all of this? Like, how do we change all of this? Right. Now. There are multiple ways in which you can go about that. And I'm going shat, my personal bias. Unfortunately. I'm saying, unfortunately, because this is my bias. Much of the therapies out there, particularly if you're going to couples therapy. Has very limited effects. And I hate saying that because I am all up for therapy and I wish therapy was. Always successful. I really, really do. Um, but I have to be honest, straight as a clinical psychologist is one of my jobs to be honest. I'm not here to be friends. I'm here. To be honest with you. Uh, unfortunately, part of the reason why a lot of the time it doesn't work, or I get many people that will come to me and they'll say, Hey, you know what? I've been to couples counseling. I've been to this counseling, I've done this RP. I've done this RP with my partner. And it just ends up being really messy. We end up in a screaming match. It becomes really hard. It becomes unregulated and late. I just don't know what, so what, what do I do here? Right. And part of the reason is because. What often happens in therapy is that there is this big focus. On communication. Um, what you do. Right. And it's not saying that those things aren't important, they are important. But here's the key. Communication. Is really a symptom of understanding. So it's not really an issue of communication, but I don't actually it's the bit underneath the communication. It's the understanding. And so if both people are pursuing understanding one another, Then communication. Naturally starts resolving itself. Right. So when we're focusing on the action of communication, it's not the action. It's actually the bit underneath. Or when people are in therapy, then stop focusing in on the behaviors. And they're saying, okay, well we need to do X and we need to do Y it's not about doing X or doing Y right. Um, it's actually about what those actions really reflect. So the metaphor that I like to use is if you imagine an iceberg. We only have a C. The tip of the iceberg. So the tip of the iceberg, let's call it 5%. And guess what your conscious mind is only 5%, right. Um, but she's the bulk of the iceberg underneath the surface that we really need to focus in on. And you can change the actions as much as you like. But w by the way, the actions being the tip of the iceberg. So you can change as much as you like, but if the bit underneath the iceberg is still fractured, if it's still challenging, if it's still unresolved, It doesn't matter how much of the tip of the iceberg that you work on because the bulk of the iceberg is underneath. It's really the bulk that needs to be resolved. And this is what a lot of therapy is missing out on. Is that the not targeting? The sematic processes, I E what is happening in the nervous system or these neural circuits. They're not really focusing in on that. They're not focusing in on sematic healing, which is so important in terms of how do we actually eliminate some of these. Circuits that are operating on also pilot without your mind even considering it. So, so really the bulk of the work has to come from a physiological perspective. So that's one thing. The other thing is as well. Is really about what was happening subconsciously. So it's really about considering what beliefs we hold under the Cephus. That keep us going in the same patterns. And it's interesting because often when I work with people on the, on these cheap bets, That actually naturally we start to see that actions. Resolve itself because we're looking at the bulk. The bottom bit of the iceberg and then the hot bit of the iceberg, it starts resolving itself. But let's talk a bit more about the bumper, the ice bags, so subconscious and also the nerve system. So. The way that I tend to explain it is that whatever is happening in the nervous system will be Mo. Married in your subconscious beliefs on what happens in your subconscious beliefs will also be married in your nervous system. Right? So let's say the kind of two and the one, even though they're really two things. Now, when we're talking about the nervous system. It's crucial that we stop training your parasympathetic nervous system, because the moment that we train your person, static, nervous system to be activated, I eat the part of you that is able to rest. That's able to feel secure. And it's able to do that whilst in tangent with. Distressing experiences. Or difficult emotions, even if you're not necessarily deeply connected to the difficult emotional, the distressing experience, but actually it's, it's somewhere in the room. It's somewhere being held in mind whilst you're practicing, activating the parasympathetic nervous system. That's really where magic starts happening. And that's really one was starting to shift. And we're starting to then create that sense of safety. Online it does. Is it first off? Starts eliminating some of these difficult or these problematic. And neural circuits. So that's one thing. And then second thing is that we're actually starting to lean into feeling safe and we start to learn. You know what, when my partner says no to something or when somebody doesn't pick up that phone or when something happens, It's not all about me. It doesn't mean that I'm not safe. It doesn't mean that I'm going to be attacked. It doesn't mean that I am going to be harmed. It doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen. Doesn't mean any of that whole. But last week. And say right. And so you go into it in a more open and more curious stance, but also what you start to do is that you start to then consider. Okay, well, If my partner says new to something. Might be because it's, something's happening to them. It's not actually a reflection of my worth. It's not a reflection of me not doing enough. It's not reflection of me not pleasing enough. It's not reflection of me having done something bad. It's not a reflection of me being rejected. All right. So, so we really then start to create a different storyline or a different way of interpretating. And the reason why we can do that is because physiologically was starting to feel safe. We're opening that door to the different possibilities. Or it might be, if let's say it was a trauma bond and it was something that was really harmful or something. That a relationship that was really problematic or problematic pattern in that relationship. If we're coming at it from a place of security. From a place of visceral calmness. What we can do in that moment is that we then start to consider. Okay, well, I'm going to take responsibility here. What am I going to do to empower myself if I'm okay with this? Great. If I'm not okay with this. Well, what needs to happen for me to. Have an impact on changing this. And it's not necessarily to say that I have to take on all the responsibility because by the way, that that leads into really unhealthy territories and potentially Curry dependency. But. But it's really about considering. Actually you don't want, I have responsibility to this relationship. And even if I have been harmed, or even if I'm experiencing some, something that is really challenging or really difficult in this relationship, I still have the responsibility. Of ensuring how we hit move forward, how I can move forward, how I can preserve myself, how I can preserve my health, my wellbeing. But also control the health and wellbeing of my partner. Um, the health and wellbeing of the relationship. I still have that responsibility. So even if I'm wanting my partner to change or like I've, I feel like something has to change. I have to start with that change myself. Right. So instead of operating in the space of the threat mode, Which usually by the way means are the point the finger. And I blame you. Where I blame that partner, that other person, and I'm there like really blaming that person. Because I feel like victim. Actually I'm no longer feeling like a victim because I'm not a victim. The reality is, is that none of us have to be a victim. Unfortunately, when people get into these really horrendous situations. Or really horrendous relationships. Well, let's say there are situations of abuse. By the way I'm talking about slightly different things. So I don't want to generalize, but when we're talking about situations of abuse, That's a horrendous situation for anybody to be in. And what I would really urge for anyone in that situation is actually consider how is it that you can choose to operate so that you can preserve your health. And not just right now, not just in terms of complying, but actually for the longterm. Right? So there's always a way. Of gaining support. There's always a way of moving forward of even if it's just one step forward, but there's always a wave moving forward. And. You know, when, when we're talking about, uh, more from the relationship fitness perspective. So the more that you're trying to develop and trying to grow in something that is really nurturing, something that's really healthy, you can't play the victim. You can't. Accept that victim hood, right? You can, you can recognize something happened and it was wrong. And. I don't want to tolerate it. That's actually fine. You can actually, you can recognize that like something bad happened. I'm not okay with that. I don't want to tolerate it. I'm not going to sit in that position, but that's your choice, right? Like you've chosen to not sit in that position. You've chosen to not set. In that position of being a victim to this experience. Because you don't have to be a victim. Right. And so when you're really in that place of physiological safety, that's when you can really start to recognize and really start to empower yourself in terms of thinking, okay. What action can I take? How is it that I can be responsible over this thing so that we can really move forward and really giving yourself credit, but also giving the other person credit or, you know, however, however it is that your relationship is set up in terms of how you want me forward. And from that, your also new to sing, the way that I'm talking is that you're physiologically feeling safer, but also subconsciously you're starting to create these new sectors, these new belief systems in terms of. You know what? Yeah, no, I am worthy. Of. Being able to stand up for myself. I am worthy of receiving affection. I am worthy of also taking on responsibility. I'm worthy of not being a victim. Are you starting to shift in terms of your sense of worth. But you're also starting to shift in terms of. Well, How is it that I can really create something that is healthy? What is healthy for me and for my partner and for relationship in general. And when we really start thinking about that, then we start noticing our emotions, shifting our conscious thoughts shifting, but also our actions shifting. So going back to my original point in terms of, oh, actually. Unfortunately, there are so many different, um, therapies that don't work. It's because actually the setup, the foundation, the core, the bulk of the iceberg hasn't been looked up, but I would argue that that is one of the first things to look out. If anything that I have spoken about has resonated with you. I'd love to hear from you. So please get in touch. My details are in the show notes below. Also, I have got a free health quiz that is designed just for you to look at your mental fitness, to look at your sense of worth your sense of confidence, but also to guide you in terms of the next step. For year. Until then. Take care.