Relationship Time Management: You're Never Too Busy & It's About Priority

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Oh, my relationship success tribes. So good to have you back again. And for those of you who have got the visuals on this, you'll see that I'm still wearing my Christmas jumper. And I'm rocking out loud and proud, but, uh, for those of you who have just got the audio while just marching, use your imagination. But today, we all really going to be talking about. The issue of time management and a relationship. And this might seem like a bit of a peculiar topic, but it's really an impulsive one, I think. And the reason why I'm bringing it to the surface is because I cannot tell you the number of times I've had couples coming to me saying things like. All well, you know, we were going to do X, Y, and Z together, but we just got really busy. We didn't have time. The kids were running wild. Work was in crisis. I'm working on this new project, this things happening, that things happening and all of a sudden. They. Believe thoughts, they just run out of time between week on week, uh, or even between month and month. And. I'm not going to lie. It is the bane of my existence. I categorically do not buy into the issue of, we did not have time. I just don't buy into it. And here's the reason why. The truth is. It is never about time managements. It's always about priority management. So the moment that we have our priorities straight. That is really why don't we make time for anything and everything. The things that truly are important, but it's all about priorities. And there will be certain things that are lower down on your priority list. That don't get done. And that's because it was low down on your priority list. Sure. Maybe if you had more than 24 hours a day, Then maybe you'll get around to it. But the reality is that it is all about parts management. And so when some people come to me and they say things like, oh, I've been so busy at work and I've been, you know, working my ass off and I've been doing this project and that project and I'm. Trying to provide for family and I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And. Ensure, I believe that they all working relentlessly. I believe that. They are doing all of this with the viewpoint that this is going to be for that partner, for that partner and themselves and their family, their livelihood. I believe that that is the intention. That is what they're doing it for. However, however, his, the, his, the kicker. Is that. They actually start to lose sight. Of what the real parts he is. And unfortunately they get caught up in this, what I call a stress cycle loop. So for example, they may have gone in thinking well, okay, if I'm the provider, I'm the financial person in the household. I'm dealing with all the bills. I'm the person who's bringing in the money on the person. Who's able to book the holidays and the beautiful birthday presents and all the rest of it. And I am the provider. And that is something that's really important in terms of my identity, but also my dad's seen the relationship and I'm holding everything together. Like glue. But it means I have to work and do all of these things, or it means I have to dedicate my time somewhere else. It may start off in that way. But actually the movie get engrossed into it. Let's say work. In this case, we then start to become really engrossed in work. And then we start to become really stressed by things in work. And all of a sudden the things in work all then viewed as priority. So if I don't get this race, then what will happen if I don't succeed in this project, then what will happen if I don't achieve X, Y, and sat. If I don't sell to this client, if I don't get this, if I don't get that. And all of a sudden we are operating in threat mode and we are so anxious about what happens in work. That we end up doing everything that we possibly can do to rescue it, to salvage it, to. Uh, firefight to all the time. And whilst during that process, because we are so stressed and we're so, so scared. The fear is real. And you know, if we was to kind of scratch a little bit under the surface, we think, well, no, I have to do this because I don't want to be a disappointment to my partner. It's my family. I don't want to let them down. And I am the provider. I have to do this. And. You know, if I can do this and, oh my goodness. We'll have an amazing life together. Immuno. They have the story involved. And she'll all of these things might be true, but guess what? There is a different path. And I can't tell you the number of people that I have worked with that have been able to go from five figures to six to seven to eight figures. And they have been able to do this without guessing embroiled in the stress cycle loop that I've just described here, because what they actually do is they cross out the fonts. They regulate and heal their nervous system. And they really start to focus in on their priorities, their priorities at work. What is actually going to move the needle? Who is it that they need to employ to help them move the needle? What kind of structure they need? To have in place so that they can move the needle in the things that truly matter, because guess waltz. Only about 20% of your actions actually matter at work. And that's something that's really, really key. I mean, I know. I'm rambling on a little bit here about wag, but I think this is really important because. When you grasp. Then you also start to grasp this idea. Well, you know what, I've been working relentlessly to provide and to supply for my family, but all I'm actually doing is I'm spending more and more time in the office. Whereas the main goal, the initial goal, the primary goal was so that I could have more time with my family, with the people who I love. And that to be quality time. So, how do we calibrate? And more importantly, how do we really spend more time with the people who you love and. If this resonates with you, um, I'm actually hosting a retreat that is going to be in Bali in 2025. And I am so excited about this retreat because we all really diving in deep in terms of how we can heal our nervous system. But also how is it that we can really set to our life up for. Genuine success and actualization within ourself, our self-worth and our relationships. So if you're interested, please hit me up. On the links in the show notes below, I would love to chat more about this. But for now. Let's go back to the main topic of how do we navigate this issue of time without part. Um, and number one. Why. I've alluded to, I'm going to reiterate. It is really about Parsi management and we really need to then stop considering what is my partner on the party list. And. It's so key for you to have multiple priorities. We all have multiple priorities. So, this is not to say your partner has to be number one all the time. It is not going to happen because actually if you've got kids, guess what? Your kids are going to be. Number one. And sure they might not be an, a born all the time that can kind of shift. But. You will be balancing and you will be juggling priorities, but you need to get really, really clear on why your partner is. Amongst all of your parties. And when you really recognize where they are on the party list. Then you can start to recognize how it is you all going to allocate time for them. How it is, you are going to show them that they are priority. But also how you're going to show yourself that your relationship has piracy, because guess what, when you book that restaurant with your partner, the fancy place that you've both been wanting to go, or when you then decide to spend a weekend together doing something. Whatever it is, even if it's on a Wednesday night, it needs site to go to the cinema or something. But the moment that you do that and you are. Sincerely prioritizing your partner in that moment. Your partner feels part heist. But what you're also doing subconsciously is that you are teaching yourself. The message that your relationship has also a party to you. And that is important because we need to recognize, Hey, my relationship with my spouse is so important. We need to recognize this both on a conscious level and a subconscious level, because the more that we recognize this on an unconscious level, We then start to naturally prioritize our partner. And when we do that, we have protected time. And this protected time is so crucial. And, uh, I'll I'll talk about a couple of clients of mine. So I have got a client and what he does. Is every single cheese today. Regardless of what's going on at work. He only works half a day. And for the rest of the day from lunchtime onwards. He just spends it with his partner. And they may be doing different things that might change week on week. So one week they might go to a restaurant and the next week they might go window shopping, whatever it might be, but they protect that time. Even if. Work was in crisis, even when they had a difficult phone call, whatever it is, he would literally be saying this phone call needs to end at exactly 12 o'clock. So we better resolver at 12 o'clock. And if we haven't had it resolved on the phone by 12 o'clock, I expect it to be resolved. By that time. And that was it. He had this month or close off point because it was absolutely crucial for him to spend that time with his partner and for her. That was incredible because she felt really head. She felt really understood. She felt held, she felt cared for. And it just cultivated this really peaceful relationship. And that's incredible, right. You would not want that because what is life about if we can't really do the things that we enjoy with the people who we love, ultimately, that's what it's about. And so there's no point in slaving away at work. If you're never really going to enjoy the fruits of your labor and really spend that time connecting with the person who you love the most in the world. And with these. Periods of time that protected, it does need to be regular and almost as if it's re ritualistic. So like this client that I said, for example, so he would do dance every single Tuesday, but you know, I've got clients where they will have every single Friday or I've got clients where they will have a weekend away every month. And they'll get a baby sister or they'll have the kids at that. The one of the grandparents. And whatever it is that they're doing, but they do that intentionally and they all roofless and protecting that time. And it's so useful to say, I am an absolute admiration of all of these people who are doing it. And it's something that I personally do as well. And it's something I would have really heavily advocate. Because we are really teaching ourselves how important our relationship is and the more that we recognize how important it is, the more that we're going to want to pour into it. And the more we pour into it, the more our partner pulls into it. And the more meaningful it is, the more connected and joyful we end up experiencing life as a whole, but also with our partner and. You know, just to kind of extend this a little bit more for those of you. Who've not heard me talk about this before. I'm just going to mention it. I work relationship. Is, I would argue one of the most important things. We will have a half an hour life. Hands-down and I would really put my registration. I would really put my reputation. I would put everything on the line to say that our relationship. Is one of the biggest variables that influences both our psychological wellbeing. And our physical health. Absolutely. And so it's really important for us to really get our relationship at the best possible health it can be and prioritizing it and protecting the time. That is absolutely crucial. Okay. Number three, what it is that you need to do as well. So I've spoken about piracy. I've spoken about protecting time. And number three is really a bounce communicating well now, huh? A lot of people outlets. Talk about communication and. I think communication's really important. However, unfortunately, I think it is also a term that is battered about, and people aren't really accustomed to what it really looks like or what it should look like. And it's a little bit airy fairy at the moment. So let's break it down in terms of what this would involve. So when we communicate you saying. The stuff that we really need to be communicating about is when we are protecting time. When we can communicate. And also times when we can't communicate, because our capacity is limited. So let's break this down, communicating for one where protecting time when we're prioritizing that time together, that's pretty straightforward. So, Hey, what would it be like if we have date night? Every single Tuesday night. What would it be like if we spent the first weekend of every month away and we had the kids over at your parents or my parents. How do you feel about that? What are the logistics around that? What you scared of? If we did D that, what would you be excited about if you did D that. Which you'd like to plan. Would you like me supplying? Should we take it in turns? Should we do something really creative or should we do something that's a bit more low key in at home? These are the things that you can communicate when we're talking about. Uh, protecting time and really prioritizing it. But then we can talk about things like. What it is that we can communicate. And when, but also when it is that we can't communicate. So. When we're communicating. When we can communicate. What I mean by that is. These are forms of communication whilst you are not physically together. So this is really why aren't you all spending time apart? Let's say you all working away. And you could be working way for a few days, or it could even be that you're just in the office for a few hours and you just don't see each other or whatever it might be. But the thing that we really need to share with our partner and really check in that they've understood. What we've said is what is our capacity to be able to communicate in those moments. Because I've had couples, why they expect that partner to always be on the phone with them to continuously message them throughout the day when they're at work, when the partner is saying, you know what, that's really not possible. I'm in and out of meetings, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. I don't even have my phone. Sometimes I don't have signal. Like, it's just not viable. Like I physically can't do this, or I am really concentrating while I'm at work and I want to be able to give you my full attention, but when I respond, it's going to be one word answer. And the partner sees that one word answer and they're furious. They get really angry. Why aren't you giving me that much tension? Or they get really upset and they feel really hats and they feel disappointed. They feel like they don't matzoh and. All of this stuff is really to do with the process of. Communicating what, and when you can, and also when it is that you have got limited capacity. So for example, it would be really having that shared understanding of. When I'm at work during the day, I really can't send messages. I can send one message whilst I'm on my lunch break, but I can't necessarily guarantee one. My lunch break is. Or it might be, I will send you a voice note on my way out of the office whilst I'm going home, but I can't guarantee that I'll be able to send you more than that throughout the day. And it's really about checking in with our partners, understanding around that. And it's also checking in how does the partner feel about that? Aren't they frightened of anything. Would they feel disappointed? Would they feel scared? Would they feel sad? What is it this going on for that partner? And if any of those difficult emotions do come up, because that is limited capacities communicates. It's also about how do we show reassurance to that emotion? So it's really about saying. I recognize that if you're really skies. And. I promise I'm not here. It's you let you down. And I feel like when I'm sending you a one worded response, I am laying you down. And that is not as all my intention. What is it that would make you feel more secure? And can we really work with that? Is there a way that we can really, uh, shad the understanding that's just because I'm not on the phone with you all the time. It doesn't mean that I've forgotten about you. Like, I still love you. It's just, I literally can't count on my phone or there's something else going on. And my capacity is limited. And what would it be like if we had a different kind of ritual? So I send you a quick message before I go in and I send you a quick message as I'm leaving. How would that be? And what is it that, that, that part, the sadness or the anxiety would need for that reassurance. And so that's really what we're needing to communicate. It's more about the process of when we can and when we can't. As opposed to necessarily the full on contents. Of what it is that we're talking about in general. And. Number four. Let's talk about this one. This one is really when you all spending time together. Relating to the quality of the time that you all spending together. And. Oh, um, I'm trying to be delicate with my language here. And I'm kind of laughing to myself a little bit, but essentially I have seen and heard so many couples. Y, unfortunately, they will say, I'm saying, unfortunately, this is my bias. Unfortunately. They'll say things to me like all, but we spend every night together, you know, we spend every night watching Netflix together, or, you know, we'll watch TV series, watch film. We'll yeah, watch. Junk on TV and, you know yeah. But we're spending all the time together. And a little part of me feels really deflated when I hear this. And I don't know about you, but for me, The reason why I'm disappointed hearing this is because sure. You may be spending a lots of quantity time together, but it's not necessarily quality time together. And please don't confuse the two, just because you are enjoying the same TV show. Doesn't necessarily mean that you're enjoying each other's company. It means that you'll sitting next to another human being, watching a screen and you are enjoying the screen. That's ultimately what's happening. And the reason why I. Dislike it, when I hear a couple say this is because the TV screen is almost like a third party in their relationship. And so you're sitting side by side, you're looking right ahead on the TV screen. Um, the thing that you're actually enjoying is the stuff on. Oh on the TV screen. I E the third policy, that Senor relationship, it's not U2 together. You're not enjoying the time with the other person I E face to face. And there's a real difference between face-to-face interaction versus side-by-side interaction. Side-by-side means that you don't actually have to look at each other. And you are inviting a third party. And, you know, this might be slightly different when we're talking about the context of really friendships, particularly with men. Uh, particularly men who have really struggled to get in touch with their emotions or their vulnerable side because of, you know, historical male. Trauma on to how men have been emotionally suppressed, unfortunately, throughout the air. So yeah, I'm, I'm talking about something slightly different that, but what I'm really referring to here is that when we come to face-to-face communication and face-to-face interaction, that's really, when we start see depth, that's really when we start see quality. And so this is really the introduction of saying things like. Well, how are you? Really. What's made you laugh today. What's made you smile today. It was made you feel a little bit sad today? Who have you spoken to? What inspired you? What thoughts did you have when you were doing this at work? What did you think of me when I said this? So it's, it's really about. Guessing to know the other person. And you might be sitting there thinking. Yeah, but I know my partner, like we've been together 20 years and I'd say, okay, cool. Um, but you and your partner are ever evolving. You're both changing all the time. You're both growing that there are micro growths. In both of you all the time. And it's really about the constant discovery of one another. And the only way that you discover one another is really to look into each of the size and really ask the question. Well, how all you. Really, how are you? What is that that makes you feel loved. What is it? The ID that makes you feel cared for? What is it that I've done? That's made you feel like you haven't been cared for? How can I change that? What would you like? What does. The best relationship look quite to you. And really play around with it and really explore what was going on in your partner's mind, because the more that you do dance. That's really when you'll saucing to unfold something and. The image may change or your time, and guess what it's designed to change over time. That's obviously okay. But it's really about paying attention to the details of what's happening now for you and for your partner and not really being something that's reciprocated. And when you're having that quality time with one another. You will become naturally more present with your partner because it's intriguing. It's interesting, your discovering your partner all over again, and it's almost like you falling in love all over again, your less likely to be complacent and just kind of take everything is the norm. And just assume that, oh yeah. Well, you know, we talked about this, therefore it's thought and you know, Bob's your uncle and not sad. But you're really then starting to discover something that is a far, far greater and far more beautiful. And if anything that I've spoken about today, That's resonated with you, please, please have a look in the show notes below. You will see a link to a relationship health quiz. It's absolutely free. And I would highly recommend that you take it. It will tell you. Parts that you are really strong at in your relationship, but also parts that may require some improvements. And of course, if you're needing. Any supports or any guidance and anything that I've spoken about today? Feel free to get in touch. On the details included in the show notes below. And until next time, take care.