Relationship Fitness: Strengthening Love & Connection

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Oh, my relationship success tribes. So good to have you here. Um, today we are going to be talking about relationship. Fitness. Now, this is a term that is quite new. This is something that is not really, that well-spoken about. If anything it's not spoken about at all. And I want to clarify a few things up because the moment that we understand. What it is to be relationship FET. What it is to be. Stronger as an individual so that we can be better as a partner so that we can have a happier, more fulfilling relationship. That is really when magic happens. So we're talking about relationship fitness and FYI just wants to clear up a few things. It is not to say you should go out and exercise with your partner. They says, uh, something that I write about somebody. Uh, talking about lists and archery, quite few people believe that that's what this is. It's not about exercise. It is not about sharing the same hobbies together, even though that might come into it, but that's not necessarily the objective. But it's really about the underlying qualities that you have, that your partner has. And together, how is it you combine so that you can be the best you possibly can be? So just as a quick analogy, it's almost like your going into the gym. And if you're at the gym, you are going to be seeing a whole range of people laugh for a whole heap of different reasons. That will be some people who would that, who all just starting out in exercise and they're getting used to the equipment. And you will be some people who all smushing it, who are operating at athlete level. And everybody who's at the gym. Is just that trying to be that little bit, Batta trying to improve themselves. Or at the very least trying to maintain something. And that pursuit is peaceful regardless of why you are on your journey. And this is exactly what relationship fitness is about. It's about recognizing where we're at and what it is that we need to do to keep moving up the scales so that we can be the best possible individual within ourselves to improve that relationship that we have with the south. But also with our partner and how it is that we can really show up, but also have our partners show up for us. Now. Without further ado, let's begin. And I'm going to be talking about many different tools, techniques, strategies, food for thoughts. And I'm going to council crisis into three main domains, just for ease of use and fees of language. But I really want you to hold to hold in mind before I dive in, is that it is really focusing in on the, how. As a police shoot the Watts. So it's really focusing in on how we are as an individual and the process that we are engaging in as a person, necessarily the contents. So just to elaborate why mean. It's not necessarily about doing the same thing at the same time with your partner being a cooking, being going on a bike, cried, being, watching a film together. You know, that's the content, the film, the bike ride, the cooking that that's the content. So it's not necessarily about that. But it's more about the process of how it is that you get together. And how it is that you really Shabbat, same emotional and mental state. That's really where the focus is at. Okay. Let's begin three domains. The first domain. Is about self awareness. And we're going to break this down a little bit because there were three primary things that you really need to be self-aware of. The Fest thing thing you need to be Are your fears. And these tend to be deep rooted fears. These may be fears that stem from childhood that may stem from prior relationships. Or it generally may stem around your sense of self and how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your own esteem and your own worth. So, for example, if you have a fear of abandonment, It's really important for you to be self-aware of thoughts, even if it's not activated often. Great. It's not activated. That's totally fine. I'm not asking you to activate it, but I am asking you to simply be aware of this fair, because that are times when not fat may be activated. And so the moment that you're aware of, oh, this thing is happening inside of me. And it's really reminding me that I'm really scared of being left alone and being left behind. And that is really attached to my abandonment wound. That's really when we can stop progressing. So it's important that we know where our wounds are. It's almost like, you know, when you're going to the gym and let's say you've had an injury in your foot and your ankle. And you need wherever it is, but let's say you've had a historical injury. It was impulsive. He used to be aware of that because it may mean that you just slightly alter the way that you exercise or that you're more conscious or you hire a PT and. Some kind of support system or something. To really get you to build up that strength. So awareness is key and awareness of our injuries, our wounds, our affairs. That's also really important because it really guides you to recognizing what it is that you wouldn't eat. So what it is that you would need to happen in the relationship. Fiji feel safe, easy to feel secure for you to really heal that wound. And so whether you're healing that wound with your partner or whether you're healing it individually in therapy, That that lattice is really key. Um, and second of all, it makes you consciously aware of when these fears may be activated. So. What might you be more sensitive to? What might you be more susceptible to? And again, these are things that are really important for you to be aware of and for your partner to be aware of so that we can navigate that. And it's not so that you'll never be anticipated. But it's to have that recognition of, you know, what, I might be sensitive to this, and I might be a little bit needy if this thing happens. And so I'm just going to need that little bit more reassurance. And your partner is on board with that. So there's some collaboration. There's togetherness. And you are able to meet in the same emotional space. So that's really important. And it's also important because one our fears or our wounds get activated. Sometimes we don't know how to express it. Or we express it, but it doesn't quite come out. Right. If our partner is aware and they've been pre-warned. Then it makes that conversation a lot easier because, um, our partner is more likely to hold us in mind and is likely to approach us from that space of compassion and empathy. So first off awareness, one of those things is awareness of our fears. The second thing that I've alluded to a little bit is awareness of our needs. Now, this is something that gets spoken about a heck of a lot. But often when I speak to clients or I speak to individuals about, well, what does that even mean? The. The response is quite blank. And. I'm going to break it down. So. Having needs does not mean that you're needy and sometimes it's really confusing to figure out these normal needs or am I being excessive in my needs? And here's the guideline. Your need is the thing that you desire the most. It is your deepest desire within a relationship. Is he deepest desire? So if you were to really be Stelle. And really quieten down and really listen and tune into that emotional part. If you thought thanks, smart relationship and what it is that you would deeply desire, then the answer becomes quite clear. And for most people, the deepest desire. R E need. Maybe things psych. Love, maybe things like cath attention. Reciprocation. Those are our deepest desires and as human beings that is completely normal and it's okay to have those needs. And when we're really tuning into what it is that we need in our intimate relationship. It makes it really clear. Between what is the, is a normal need? Versus us being too needy. So for example to needy is to expect your partner to be almost like a God. Right to give you anything and everything, which is never going to happen because your partner is also human. And so your partner might not be able to fulfill all of your life's needs and nor should they, because there will be other people in your life. There will be other art TMCs. Sees in your life. That you can draw upon that you can use to fulfill those needs. But it's really about homing in, on your deepest desire within a relationship. And that is the thing that's going to tell you what your need is. So it's important for you to be aware of that. And finally the third thing for you to be aware of. Are your values. So your values are really going to be relating to your lifestyle choices. That really going to be relating to your personality. That really going to be relating to your ambitions and your goals in life. And your values are so important to who you are. They may cook. Your very essence. And to be aware of them is fundamental because when you're in a relationship, you'll life gets into twined with somebody, but it's also important for you to recognize that you also exist as a human being, and you are bringing yourself to the table as a human being and. That's the person that your partner is in a relationship with. So if you were to almost eradicate yourself, Then who is your partner in your relationship with. If you all simply just that mirroring what your partner is, because you may be scared that your values aren't good enough or that you're not good enough. Then all that happens is that your partner is actually in a relationship with themselves. They're in a relationship with a mirror. And they don't really get to know the real you. But also for you. You never exist. You don't experience that joy. You miss out on that joy of really being loved and really being held. Truly the individual that you are by your partner, you miss out on all of that's because you've been holding back because you're not that. So, again, it's absolutely important for you to be aware of your values. And few to be okay with your valleys, for you to really lean into them for you to accept them because. They make up who you are. Now, moving onto the second domain for what really will support your relationship fitness. Is really about your partner and stuff that you need to be aware of about them. The first one is really about. Asking yourself, how much do I know them? Now, this might seem like a bit of an obvious question, but it's something I would highly recommend that you lean into and you really can sit. Because as time goes on, you change. And so does your partner, you're both designed to change. Life is designed to make you different. As time goes on, this will be useful thing. But we often fall into the trap of believing that we know our partner, because we live with them. We spend every day with them. And so we almost assume. That we know them inside out, and we don't really question it too much. But I would highly recommend that you. Do you only slick a mini audit with them and they do an audit with you in terms of, well, what's inspired. You recently also inspired you in the last month. What's made you really sat in last month. What's made you really frightened in the last month. Has that been anything that's happened that has stopped you from sharing this. In last month and almost doing this like a monthly exercise, because when you're really looking in. On those aspects with your partner, then you're really starting to learn about how they are developing, how they're changing, how they're growing. And your forever learning about them. So it's not about assuming that you know your partner, but it's actually about watching their own evolution and also then watching your evolution as well. And. With this brings me on to my second point, when it relates to you and your partner and you really getting to know your partner. It's about with your partner and empathizing. So monopolizing is really the scale of, I know what I know, and I know what I know might be different to what you know, and vice versa. And so it's really about postponing. Myself, just for a moment so I can really stand alongside you so I can really start to understand your experiences. So I can really. Be with you in the same mental space so I can really hold you and I can really see the world through your eyes. And the moment that I get to do that. It gives me a lot of insight in terms of you and my level of empathy towards you just automatically increases. But also I feel like I am with you and you feel like I'm with you as well. And that sense of togetherness is sober, useful. And even though I might have a different opinion. That's okay. I can also share my opinion, but early after I really sit with you and sit in your space because when we're going through this motion of sharing and understanding. That's really where magic happens. And that's really when our true essence. Is accepted as opposed to our essence feeling like we are having to justify ourselves or really having to prove ourselves or really having to show up in a particular way. Or even hiding sets and parts of ourselves. That's really one. We are able to create something Y where both vulnerable, but we're also held in mind and held in safety and held with love with that vulnerability. Um, and. The third thing of the second domain. So with the relationship that you have with this other person, One thing that's really important in the process of growing to mental fitness on relationship fitness is really understanding both of your love languages. So the, if for those of you who don't know what love languages are, it's an essence, the way that we receive love that w the way that we feel. Like we all loved and the way that we prefer to be loved. So there are five main love languages. That is this coast Hutch. What's of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. And. You know, you can go ahead and research this a little bit more and do a test and the request is out that way. It will give you a bit more insight in terms of which love language you are, or you may already know that's either way is fine. But it's really important for you to know your love, language, feel pawn it's north olive language, future each other's love language. And for you to act in love. In the way that your partner receives it, not necessarily in the way that you feel like you receive it, but actually in the way that your partner receives that. So for instance, if I am somebody who is more of the quality time, but my partner is more of the words of affirmation. It would be really important for me to show love via the words of affirmation so that my partner receives that. But also they show me love. Through the quality time. And so we are both communicating that love through the other person's sense of that love language. And it's really through that process, then we can really start to connect and we can really start to share that emotional space. And we can really start to show that. Unconditional love and that I affect in that regard for one another, because we are really, really holding in mind, not the person. And they really feel held in mind. They feel love. And we are also acting. In the form of love as well. And what a peaceful way to strengthen your relationship with your partner. And the more that you do this, the Bessie gets acid. That it becomes second nature. And more from the, not what we find. That when people stop acting in a loaf language that is different to their own, but it's in line with that partner. They start to lean into that love language as well. And they start to really gain something else about it. And so they want to do it more and more. And it's just positively reinforced. And so that in itself makes you fitter. It's almost like, okay, well, I don't like running on the treadmill, but I need to improve my cardio. And so I just do I do it a little bit. I see myself getting better. But also it gets easier. And then I actually somehow wake up one day and I really loved the idea of running. And so I go out for a run and I'm enjoying it. And that is really when the magic starts to happen. The fitness just becomes second nature. And finally domain number three, it's all to do with how you come together. Um, again, I'm talking about the process as opposed to necessarily the content. And one thing that I highly recommend is. What kind of ritual? Do you both have, what rituals are that in the relationship? That's symbolize togetherness. For instance, do you both have a ritual where you wake up in the morning and you have to give each other a hug and the hug lasts for two minutes and you're not letting go until those two minutes are up. Is there a ritual where if one person has to leave really early in the morning, but then the other person doesn't and they've got a couple of hours in bed still. Then actually the person who is asleep, they wake up and they roll over it and they just hug. And again, they have that moment of connection is the ritual that they send each other a text message throughout the day. Saying what it is that they love about that partner. What is it? They appreciate what it is that they want to do with that part. Is that a ritual between you two? And if you don't have a ritual, I would highly recommend that you stop developing a ritual and you can both decide what that ritual looks like and what it entails, but please develop some kind of ritual. That really brings you together and I'm not talking ritual. That is very, uh, simple. And that is very, um, Uh, kind of integrated within life that you don't really necessarily need sets. For example, if you are. Both cooking at the same time, or if you all, both watching TV and Netflix at the same time. Um, I'm not saying that it has to be something super complicated, but it has to be something that is noticeably different that you wouldn't necessarily do with anybody else. So. For example, like having that two minute hug and not letting go. And if you need to put a timer on it, put a timer on it. If you laugh, if you think it's silly. That's absolutely fine at. A timer on it, still do it, stick with it. See what ends up happening and keep doing it regularly because not cheap. The more you start to develop these rituals with one another, that's really, when you all strengthening the togetherness. And I would even counsel crises, rituals. Into something that Staley something that's weekly and something that is potentially monthly or even once every other month. So the daily rituals. It doesn't have to be a huge thing, but it does have to be a form of effort to the effort that you are pouring into the relationship. So for example, If you arrive home first and your partner is walking through the door. How is it that you greet each other? What is that first moment, like when you are reuniting, are you jumping out of your sofa and giving them a big hug? Are you giving them that cup of tea? Are you filling them with words of affirmation? Even if it was just a single word, even if it was a text message throughout the day, but, but what is it that you're doing that is. Really showing that you are pouring into that valve. That relationship that's really nurturing you both together. So that could be a daily thing. The weekly thing, maybe something like, well, how are we really connecting in the week? Why all you in my schedule and where am I in your schedule? And as adults, especially if you're a business owner, if you're an entrepreneur, if you're a senior manager, you all going to have a busy schedule. And I absolutely low that. I low that when people say, or I've been really busy this week, And okay. Sure. I get it. Yeah. Maybe you got a load of emails, those a fire at work that was crisis, whatever it is that happened, but my God, your partner is important and they are not more important than your career than your job. Like it's just point blank. And I'm not saying that you have to sacrifice one for the other. That's not what I'm saying, but what I am saying is that time with your partner needs to be protected. If you made a bit a meeting with somebody at work. You're going to stick to that meeting. Equally. If you're making a meeting with your partner, you better stick to that meeting and you better also have your phone turned off and leave your phone at home and go out. Whatever it is, but. That time needs to be protected. And the reason I'm referring to the phone in terms of the phone being turned off or somewhere else is because. Let's say you're together and you decide to go out for dinner or you decide to go bowling. You decide to go, whatever it is that you were doing window shopping. But the moment that you have your phone on, somebody rings you, or you go on it. You look at an email, you look at a text message. What sinus aren't giving you a partner. You're not just there with them, but you have invited every single member. Of the person who's in your phone book, every single person who's in your email address list, you've invited them all out to dinner with you and your partner. And so your partner, the importance that they feel that they have has all of a sudden been reduced. So please don't, this is a time for you to cultivate your relationship with your partner. So it's really about. These weekly, regular rituals and then something that is a bit more extended. So let's say once every month or once every other month is actually, are you both doing something that is a little bit unusual? A little bit out of your depth, something that's exciting, something that's different. What is it that you're both doing to keep that relationship alive? And I would highly recommend that you aren't sure to lean into your values. And your partner leans into that values as well. And you shat it's with one another. So, for example, if I am really into arts, I will go out and I'll find an art exhibition and I'll ask my partner, Hey, let's go to this thing. It'll be really interesting. And let's spend the weekend away in a different city, and we're just going to look at all the different art exhibitions. Or if my partner is into adventure, maybe they say, Hey, let's go rock climbing. And so, you know, that's something that's different. It might be out of my depth. But actually that's something that is really important, Steve, because the moment that we start sharing our values with one another and we're really leaning into it, and we're making these plans in these preparations and really. Doing at the significant effort and we're inviting our partner into that world. Things start to change because we are inviting our partner into our world. We're being invited into that world. And that's really when we learn more about one another. And that's really when we grow as well as an individual. And what's a beautiful proceeds because we develop so much more and. That is just so much more. Beauty within all of this, because we are really leaning into one another. And we're also leaning into ourselves. Now, if any of this has resonated with you, what I would highly recommend is that you hit the link below in the show notes where you will find a link to a quiz. And this is really looking at your relationship health. So things that you are really good at in your relationship, but also things that you may need a little bit of work on. And like always. If you are looking for any help with anything that I've spoken about, please feel free to get in touch. My details are in the show notes below. And until next time, take care.