The Trust Factor: Rebuilding After Betrayal

Survive infidelity, heal trauma bonding, rebuild trust, improve communication.

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Blow up my relationship, success tribes. So good to have you here. Because today we are going to be talking about how we rebuild trust. Particularly when we've experienced betrayal. And I would argue being betrayed, being heartbroken by the person who you loved the most. Is one of the most crushing experiences as a human being. If we get betrayed by people who we don't necessarily like, or people who we know are not that good for us. It hurts, but you know, after a bit of time we can get over the ants, we can come to terms with it, and we know that the issue isn't with us, that it's actually with them. And so it's a lot easier to move on. But when it happens with somebody who we really care about with somebody who has been nice to us with somebody who has shown us that emotional vulnerability, and we have been emotionally vulnerable with them when we've had that deep connection with them. It hurts a lot more and that's the thing. That can really terrify our very essence. So, how do we rebuild trust? When we feel like we've been headed by the person who he loved the most. And. Just as caveats. I need to mention that. This is a particularly difficult topic, it's particularly sensitive topics. So if any of what I speak about resonates with you, please feel free to reach out to and seek supports. Whether it be for me, whether it be from somebody else. But I really want each to know that it is absolutely crucial that you have a safe container. And also, if you all going down the route, Of either therapy or. Coaching that you go for somebody who is qualified, who is an expert in this area, because not necessarily every therapist or I recruit that you come across will be experts in this. Now without further ado, let's talk about how you rebuild and I'm going to be talking about five main points here and the fifth one. I would argue is one of the most challenging. Issues to deal with. But it's also one of the most important points for you to know. So please stick around for all five, because they are very, very important. The simple one. We need to understand what is the issue that underlies the betrayal. And many people will say things like, oh, well my partner cheated on me or their own faithful, or they had an affair because I couldn't give them what they wanted. That actually this other person somehow was more attractive. That this other person had more money, that they had something else that they could offer. The Irish could not offer. And first off. I want you all to know. That none of that is true. As much as you may think, it's true. None of fountain such. Actually true. The reason why betrayal occurs. And I'm talking specifically here about the FAS. So whether it be infidelity, whether it be a one night stand, whether it be a full on a fight which have a dynamic, it is. But the reason why. It happens in the Fest place is not because this other person has something better to offer. Absolutely not. The reason why it occurs is because there is an issue within the primary relationship. So there is a problem between you and me, and I don't know how to resolve it. I don't feel like I can resolve it. I may have tried to resolve it. I may have tried to broach the issue. I may have even mentally tried to breach the issue with you. But I didn't know where to go. I didn't know how to steer it. I just felt blocked. I felt like you were unavailable or that I was unable to do the hard thing with you. I E bringing it up. To try and get to a resolution, but there was some thing that meant. That there was an issue between you and me. I felt blocked. I felt unable to know what to do with that. And so I ended up projecting all of my fancies and all of my needs and everything that I thought that I desired, which has relation to the issue between you and me. I just projected it on to this other person. But. It's not actually that this other person has something better that they can offer more than me. The reality is that they are not any better. It's not like as if they have come from the heavens. It's not like as if they are path that to all round. Any period of time when there is a projection going on. Then yeah, we may see that person as. The most incredible person in the world, your partner, or the person who's had the affair, they may paint them. In this most amazing image, but the tree fares that only seeing a very small fraction of this other person, the third person, person that the cheating with. They only see the parts of them that they want to see. They only see the desired projection onto that person. So if I was to speak about it in more concrete terms, what's Sachi look like, well, let's say I'm in a relationship. And I have felt pretty lonely. My partner's been working all the time and they are doing so much and they're doing so much for the family and I get it. And I appreciate it from a financial standpoint, from a functional standpoint. And I can see all the efforts. But simultaneously. I'm feeling emotionally neglected. I feel like I'm not really held from an emotional standpoint. And if that's happening. And I come across somebody else who is very emotional. There's something really attractive about that because I don't feel like I'm guessing that at home. And so I'm more likely to be drawn into that. And what I'm actually drawn to is the emotiveness of this individual. And I might inflate that and I might see that through rose tinted glasses and be like, oh my goodness, this person is so incredible. That's so in touch with their emotions or so. Emotionally intelligent. That's so mature though, this, that, and whatever else. And I hold on to that person. But in reality, what's happening is that that is. Uh, an issue between you and me. And I don't feel like I can broach that issue and saying, Hey, can you be more emotionally available? Because I can see that you're doing so much for me, you're doing so much for the family. You're working really, really hard. And I may have broached it, but then I also see that you're tired. Um, or I may have. Try to tap into certain pots of your emotional being. But you're not quite there because you're not actually seeing this as an issue. You're quite blind to it. And so I don't really know what to go with that, but here I have somebody else who is emotive. It's almost like my need for emotional connection is puts out on a plate for me. And therefore that thing looks really attractive. But here's the thing, the issue isn't with my partner who has been working all the time, because actually they are doing something that is so profound and so impactful and so helpful for me in the friendly. The problem. Isn't them. The problem is that I feel like there's an issue and I am unable to resolve it and I don't know how to resolve it. And so the responsibility, the. Uh, issue with accountability actually lies with me. And so when we're going back to this issue of understanding what underlies that betrayal, well, this is absolutely crucial because Paul. Moving on. Is also ensuring that this thing, this issue does not reoccur because you've been through it. It's been painful. I don't want you back in my office and he has time or in two years time telling me the same thing. Actually, we need to be able to resolve it from the core outwardly. So understanding, understanding what the issue at the betrayal is, is absolutely key. And it's fundamental. And when we get to that point, It's really about recognizing, well, how could high have all the wise souls thoughts? How could I have otherwise gotten that need? So in this example of the emotional connection, It felt something that I really needed. How else could I have gotten it from this relationship? The primary relationship thumb, and how could I've actually taken on accountability and responsibility? To really get that need mat, but also considering my partner. And if I let my partner in, on what is going on for me mentally. They get to know about what's going on for me immensely. I can't assume that that going to gas. I can't assume that they're going to read my mind and guess what? Most people. Uh, so homed in, on what is going on in their mind that they really struggled to consider that that partner may have a very different thought process. They assume that their partner has the same process as me. Like, you know, that you're kind of the same as each other. But that's never the case. That's rarely the case. And so we have to be able to let a whole partner in, on what is going on inside of our head. Otherwise, it's really unfair. We don't give them an opportunity of being able to meet us where we're at and vice versa. Because in the example that I gave. If my partner is constantly working and they're doing everything that they can do for the family. And I'm sitting here craving emotional connection. Well guess what? I bet you that your partner is also craving emotional connection, but they just don't know how to broach. You're either. And the only way that they have been able to develop that connection is literally through working harder. So that they can provide more so that they can really sit within that identity as a provider, as the giver. As the Cara is the protector of the family. And so that's their way of connecting, but it's not necessarily to say that we are both having our needs met in that moment. But one thing that I really need you to know. The person who has been betrayed, but also the person who is doing the betrayal or Huston betrayal. I really need both of you to understand that it is not about the third person, this other person who you've been faithful with. It's not about that other person. It's not the, that this other person has some magical features. Some passive features the new, not at all. Not this hall. It's just, this person has had set needs, mapped out onto them. It's been projected out onto them, but it's not say that they all that thing. And also when the affair happens or betrayal happens, the infidelity. Which have contacts is whenever that happens. We only see a fraction of that person. And we see that fraction with very sensitive glasses and we don't see the entire of that person in that. They also have qualities that we may not necessarily like. All we're seeing is the stuff that we want to see. And the moment that we understand that what it is that we want to see. That's really when we can start taking the Fest step of repairing the issue of broken trust so that we can rebuild that relationship. Okay. Number two. Sit in the sticky. What I mean by this is we all have to stay set in the sticky emotions and the emotions that feel uncomfortable. I'm talking about shame. I'm talking about guilt. I'm talking about sadness and fair. We need to sets and those emotions. I'm not saying that we're living in those emotions permanently. I really don't want not for anybody. But the reason why we need to sit in these emotions. Is because that is when change really starts to happen. When we sit with the sticky emotions, that is one change truly begins. Um, and I'm talking about things like when the person who has done the betrayal really sets with that feeling of shame. When they sit with that feeling of guilt. Because when they get to that space and they really start to recognize how excruciating it is, and they feel it within that body, within their mind within. Every part of that being. That's is really when they start to recognize how much they needed to take on responsibility, how much they needed to take on accountability before the active betrayal even happened. And I'm not here at all to point fingers or to blame anybody. That's not all what this is about, but what this is about is how do we really ensure responsibility and accountability? Because the moment that we can really solidify that. Again, It reduces any risk of ever happening again in the future, it actually improves our chances. Of improving on enhancing the relationship as it goes along that actually we are able to then cultivate something that we want to have. You don't want to go back to that relationship? Why there were a lot of issues that even led to the betrayal to begin with. You're wanting to create something that is profoundly better. Y both of you are happier. And part of that journey is also recognizing that pain. That has been created through the disconnect through the fact that there was an issue between you and me. I didn't know how to resolve that. I went and I did something awful. I did something that was so painful to you. And that just can't happen. It can't happen again. And it's only really through the difficult emotions that we sit at. And, and also just, you know, you seeing, uh, scientific data. What we know is that neuroplasticity. I E the changes in our nervous system in our brain and our neural circuits. That happens through difficult emotions. So the moment that we start to experience something that really challenges us. Particularly for an emotional standpoint. That is really when neural wiring and your shifts start to happen. And the reason why I'm highlighting this is because it's so important. Because this is the prime opportunity. When we can sit with the sticky. Recognize the pain feel the pain, but also at the same time, we're directing ourselves. We're directing our thoughts. To where it is that we want to go, what it is that we would want to cultivate. So first off. We see what's happened. We see the betrayal. We recognize the betrayal. We acknowledge it. And we're not complacent, but we absolutely accept that this thing happened in the sense of saying what it is that happened. Being totally transparent. And we have to also the person who did the betrayal also has to be. Fully transparent to what had happened. I E. Sharing, absolutely everything that happened. But also they have to look at it themselves because often the person who did the betrayal will kind of glaze over or they'll put a bit of a cover on it or they'll brush over it very quickly. They weren't really going into a lot of detail in terms of really understanding the extent of the injury caused. But when we do that, That's when the shame happens. That's when the guilt happens. That's when the painful emotions happen. And. When those painful emotions happen. That's when we can stop directing our thoughts. To what it is that we would want to have happened, what it is that should have happened, what it is that we need to do in order to take accountability. What it is that has to happen for us to be able to cultivate something that is peaceful with this human being without partner. That's really when we start shifting our thoughts, but it can only ever happen from that place of emotional pain. And it's through the pain. That's really, when we start to see. Why the beauty would lie and how it is that we would get that. Now I've spoken about the person who has done the betrayal, but let's talk about the person who has been betrayed. Understandably. They all going to be experiencing a lot of fear, a lot of sadness, a loss of heartache, helplessness. They may feel really lost and confused and they may be taking on a lot of blame. And first off, none of this is a finger pointing exercise. None of this is about blame. I'm not here to blame. Anybody as whole for anything. But for the person who has experienced the injury. It is also important for you to recognize your own sadness. Reason being is because that sadness is the pulse of you. That's loves you so much. That it wants you to be held. It wants you to be accepted. It wants you to be loved. And that's so K that's necessary. But also it's crucial that we recognize that this sadness, this fear. This. Anxiety. This heartache, this sense of helplessness, this. I'm get Eva. And it's important that we recognize that your emotional pain. Is 100% valid. But we also need to recognize what does it want for you? So I'd be asking if you were feeling sad, for example, what does a sadness want for you? And chances are, if you really sit with it, you will see that this sadness wants me to be loved. If I was, if you were experiencing anxiety or fear and I asked you, okay, so what does this fair one for you? Again, that fair wants few to be held at once for you to know that you matter. These things are absolutely crucial. And when you get to that space. That's really, when you can start, stand up for yourself, that's really when you can stop to see with a Clara vision. In terms of what it is that you wants, what it is that you'll tolerate, what it is that you will accept. And everything that you won't. And it's certainly in that space that you can then start to move forward. Because then you can stand up with your own chief each, you know, your self worth. You start to recognize that actually the staff, the betrayal. Isn't that I'm barged, not hall. It's not that I'm deficient. It's not that I'm inadequate. It's none of that stuff, but actually. It was an issue to do with my partner. And then you can make a decision in terms of, do I want to work through this? Do I want to move forward? Do I want to hold them accountable and also hold myself accountable for holding them accountable? Do I want to do these things? Or do you, I just want to leave. Do I just want to, and this situation and just me forward. So, so then you can really start to make a decision that would be true to you. But again, it's through setting with the sticky emotions. Both people sitting through that painful emotions. Okay. Number three. Is this issue around mentalizing and empathizing and this new scope both ways. So what do I actually mean by this or monopolizing is this idea of recognizing that what is in my mind? Is something that I know. But I don't necessarily know what's in your mind and you don't necessarily know what's in my mind. And it's the arts. If perpetually sharing the details that's going on inside of me. And checking in with you that you understand what I'm going through, but also you're making the effort of understanding what it is that I'm sharing. So it's a share check. The standing has been made, share a bit more chat, the understanding if the understanding isn't quite that we need to crack between to shift. But for us to really be able to do this. The person who is receiving the message, they also need to postpone that response because if that sitting that. Listening. And then they just immediately respond with that defense or with that rationale with their emotions, with whatever it is that's going on for them. If there is this. Immediate response. They don't share. We're not really meant sizing. We're not really shifting our understanding. We're not really sitting with our partner and this goes both ways by the way, but we're not really sitting with our partner in what it is that they're thinking, what it is that they're experiencing, what they're going through. We're not really doing that stuff because we're so busy. Sitting with Alice stuff that we're not really giving our partner the space for explaining themselves for sharing what's going on for them mentally. And again, when emotions are high, this is a very difficult scale. So I would heavily urge that you have a practitioner who can support you and. You know, I've got a questionnaire as well on my site, and I'll also leave the links down below. Y you can really start to look at your relationship health and you can also start to look at some of these metrics, particularly around trust and how much it is that you're able to communicate, really hearing your partner as a prestigious, immediately responding. So if you are interested in taking that quiz, it's absolutely free. Please hit the link glow. Take out. Want to see, um, how you get on with that and engineer, please. Share any feedback from it? But. The moment that we are able to just for a moment postpone our immediate responses. So we can really sit without a partner. That's really when we can start understanding their position, because we've checked in with them. And then we can ask permission. Hey, can I just shop my stuff with you as well? And it's through this mutual understanding and mutual sharing and this back and forth, and this constant checking in with one another. That's really when we start to see. Why did things break down? But also what could have been done differently and how is it that we're going to do things differently? What is it that needs to happen? For the healing to occur, what needs to happen so that we can really start to rebuild this foundation of our relationship, what it is that we want to cultivate. But it's really through sitting with what is going on with the other person. And I, like I said, when emotions are high, this can be a really difficult skill. So I happily encourage that. You see a practitioner who, as able to keep that safe space, who's able to navigate this because. I can't tell you the number of times, one of hot couples, they come to me and they say, oh my goodness, like in therapy, we would just kind of arguing with one another. And then, you know, I really support them through that process in terms of actually, how can we navigate this in a safe way that, that we are sharing, understanding, and we are Sizing. So that's something that would heavily recommend. And, and it's really through this that we can then start laying the foundation for where it is that you want to go. Okay. Number four. Responsibility. This should be an obvious one, but I'm going to elaborate what this actually means because a lot of people just, she used the term without really recognizing what it takes. So responsibility. Is actually for both people, it is not just for the person who did the betrayal. It's also for the person who has been betrayed. Now, most people, when I say this, they look at me and they don't like what I'm saying, but I absolutely guarantee that this is what has to happen. It is responsibility for both parties. The reason being is that the person who did the betrayal, they need to take responsibility for what they did for the injury that they caused. That makes sense. The person who has been betrayed, they need to take responsibility. Over a couple of things. Number one. They need to take responsibility for all least. Monitoring that partner in terms of half that. Changes that have been promised or have the situations between me and my partner has this situation really changed and almost monitoring it and watching out for consistent behaviors that align with the apology that align with the regrets that align with the sense of guilt, the align with. What it is that we're wanting to cultivate and shift and move towards the future. So for instance, if my partner said, You know what? Let's create a ritual. Wow. Every day we're going to spend. Five minutes in intense. Face-to-face mode. Y, we are just looking at each other, why we are telling each other how much we appreciate each other. Let's say that that happened. And my partners sticks to that and they stick to that over time. Then I have done the responsible thing because I have watched my partner doing these things, however, If I turn a blind eye because my partner said that they would do something and then they didn't do anything. I have actually not taken responsibility. Because I have not brought that up with them. And it's actually down to me to bring that up with them and say, Hey, you said that you were going to do this and you didn't do this. What is going on? Do you actually mean it or no? Because if you don't mean it, then that's okay. We can, we need to reevaluate whether or not this relationship can continue. But again, it is your responsibility to actually bring that up. So please start, leave it all to your partner, because if you do. You then just fall back into being helpless. And you'll never going to be forward. So please responsibility has to go for both people. And this means consistent behaviors. This means behaviors that are aligned with what it is that you're wanting to cultivate. This means that you are really sitting with a stickiness. Um, the sticky emotions they can come and go throughout time. That's okay. They're designed to come and go because the emotions are looking to be met. They're looking for the unset and the unset may calm, perpetually at various different moments, but this is absolutely key. So. Please both people take on responsibility. And number five. This is a crucial one. And I would argue, this is the one that people struggle with. Most people sometimes know the answer to this, and then they bought a truck and then they go forward and backwards and it gets a bit messy. So what is that? It is. The question of how are you going to move forward? How, how are you going to be foliage? And here's a couple of things I want to bring up to your attention. More from the, not people talk about this thing of forgiveness and depending on who you listen to you, depending on what you read, depending on your experiences. Th th there's a loss of contradictory information out there. So some people say forgiveness is the only key for moving forward. Some people say you forgive the other person, but it's really forgiveness, fuel self so that you can move forward so you can let go. Some people say it's absolutely okay for you to never forgive. As hall. And that's actually fine. If you're wanting my personal bias. Forgiveness. Is really the issue of accountability. Forgiveness is not a tool about being complacent. We can label it as forgiveness. We can label it as something else. I mean, you know, you can choose your words. It doesn't really matter, but it's more to do with the intention, the feeling, and also the action that follows. So. Forgiveness is really about this idea of this thing happened. This thing really, really hurt. Accepting that. And when I say accepting, I do not as harming being complacent. I mean, recognizing that this thing happened. And it really, really hurts. And also recognizing that when I did it. I came from this place where I did not have the skills to be able to do it. So this is for the person who did the betrayal. For the person who was betrayed. It's also say I feel really hurt because I was none the wiser. I was injured. And I did everything that I could, and this was completely unexpected. I feel I coming out of quiet. Or the situation made me feel like I'm an inadequate. So when we get to that space and then we start recognizing actually it's never to do with you being inadequate. It's not shit to do with the other person. And that they didn't have the skills that they were under developed somehow. And everybody needs to take accountability in terms of what has happened. And also where it is that they need to move forward to. Forgiveness then really lies in how we are going to remain accountable. So, what action are we going to take for the rest of our lives? All the rest of this relationship? What action are we going to take? To ensure. Our wellbeing. And I'm saying, what action are we both going to take to make sure that I'm okay. That you're okay. And the health of the relationship is okay. And is safe. What. Action is required. For this betrayal to never reoccur again. What action is required. For us to improve this relationship. What is it that we all both wanting to have in this relationship from the deepest desire points? And it's one, we all moving towards that thing. The amazing goal that we're wanting to have, and by the way, the goal is ever evolving. But when we are moving towards that place of. Deep commitment for one another. And we are really wanting our lives to be intertwined. We wanting our souls to be in since wind. And to really share that emotive space with one another, where we all bonded while we are. Really. Living. Aligned and a JessicaLee spiritually when we'll really in that space. Then that's really why the BCS. And so this, this would figure if nurse, I mean, You know, it's all, I guess it's Symantec's right. Because uh, people kind of get in tangled in terms of what it means and whether or not they going to go for it. And. I would say don't necessarily. Uh, worry too much about the semantics of forgiveness. That are we really heavily encourage that you consider this idea of moving forward? To be more about. How is it that we accept what's happened again, not complacency, but accept what's happened through acknowledgements. How is it that we recognize that it's not to do with finger pointing and it's not to do with. Uh, sitting in the pain, but it's really to do with recognizing the signal that the pain has left us with. So the signal being. I really want to be loved. I really want to experience emotional connection. I really crave. That's attention. Uh, none of our stuff is bar. None of that stuff is to be neglected or to be put down. But when we start seeing that. And we start to commit to how we're going to get that. And how is it that we're going to really shape and form our relationship to have those consistent daily. Actions or that really show love for one another. That really sure. Commitment for one another. That's when trust naturally starts to be rebuilt. But also that's when we naturally start. To actually thank the betrayal, the incident. And again, Obviously, depending on what stage you're at you, this might be hard to hear, but you know, we actually start to appreciate that this really negative thing happened because we can see that actually we've used this. Awful thing to plant the seed for something that we really wanted in the first place. This is the thing that we wanted Sal life to look like, to be like. And it's really then that the magic starts to happen. If anything that I've spoken about here has resonated with you, please, please, please. Hit the light bus and hit subscribe. And share the suppsoed with a loved one, because if you found it helpful, I guarantee that somebody else will find that helpful too. And of course, if you're ever needing help, please get in touch. My details are in the show notes below. Until then. Take care.