Emotional Intimacy Part 4. Stop Emotional Distancing, Vulnerability is Courage, Own Your Fears

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Blow my relationship, success tribes. So good to have you back because today we all going to be talking about the issue of vulnerability. The issue of trust on feeling safe. And how vulnerability and safety. All really required for us to build emotional intimacy. And the purpose of talking about this is Because vulnerability is so hard for saline and too. we and more often than not, people feel really frightened about this idea of I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to have to expose myself to this person. And. I'm doing it in the hope that they can hold me with safety, with love, with compassion. I'm hoping. That I can find life sciences with this person. And I'm really taking the risk here by opening up to this person. But I also know by the very virtue of me being vulnerable, it. also means that I am taking a big risk. I'm taking the risk that I don't know what this person is going to do with my. Emotions. What they going to do with my very, being with my mind, with my soul, because I'm literally exposing my whole being to this individual. And the moment that you expose yourself. You feel very vulnerable. And And find lights If it was. All bad, we would never do it. So as human beings, we have been good that there's a PA if I was psyche, this pulsive Al biology that gives us to want to open up to want to expose to. Be okay with being vulnerable. We have to be okay with that from a neurological level. And also from an evolutionary point of view, because honestly the only way that we've been able to develop relationships, that's the only way that society has been able to. I be belt up to thrive. mind Is because we have taken that risk. But we also need to consider that it is a risk. And so more often than not, I will find people that fall into one of two camps. People who have really struggled with this idea of emotional intimacy. Or they like the idea, but somehow it's not panned out the way that they want it to. And here are the two camps. The first camp is. I want to be loved. I love love, and I am heavily pursuing that. Paul psyche. There's And I'm going to bear everything and it's almost like I am going to overshadow very quickly. And these people, they tend To be the people who fall in love. So deep, so fast with answer second thoughts. And it's almost like they love the idea of this person because they love the idea of love. As opposed to really taking The steps that are. Relevance or proportional to how much they know this person, how long they've known them. we What degree that they know about them, how much they've observed them, how much time they've spent together. have taken. Uh, that the people who immediately expose. They know that there's a vulnerable, they know that there's a risk with that vulnerability, but At the same time, they are so committed and so convinced that it's not risk, that they just fully expose themselves. And unfortunately, a lot of these people end up being really broken by The end of it because they've dedicated themselves to somebody who isn't necessarily able to reciprocate to the same degree. All they start to discover characteristics and values about this person that doesn't really align with them. So that's one main camp. And what's really difficult about these people and their experiences is that. They are doing it from a position of simply wanting to be loved and they are willing to do the hard stuff. Which in itself is really admirable. But PA. The hard stuff is also pacing. It's also figuring out what is proportional to what it is that you're witnessing in that moment in time. So that's the first count. The second camp. Our Mo the avoiders. So the sense of me, people who've experienced a lot of trauma historically. So, whether it be in childhood, whether it be in other adult relationships. But ultimately what they have lent. Is that emotional vulnerability is scary. And so they're willing to do the things in the relationship. They're willing to share certain things. They're willing to do say some activities. They are willing to commit when It comes to labels. So labels being. Living together being engaged, being. married. They're willing to do those things. But whilst they're doing it, they are emotionally disconnected. So they tend to be very operational in a relationship. They tend to be very procedural and they do everything step by step by the book. Time And these people tend to be people who read a polo about psychology. And It's almost like that. They're doing their own pop psychology on themselves. And they're doing this. Believing that they're doing the right thing, but actually what they're doing is the hyper intellectualizing. and for anyone who has listened to part one of this five-part series, You will also remember me talking about this issue of high printed chais. Sizing. We almost feel like we all wanting to be emotionally connected. And we cognitively logically rationalize the emotional connection is a good thing. Emotional intimacy is necessary for a relationship. But it's really scary. Start and so we always trick ourselves into believing that. we're doing the right thing and we are opening up and we are being emotionally intimate with somebody. Through intellectualizing through logic. So it's almost like we're trying to solve an emotional problem. with logic. them. So Whereas actually. what's If we're experiencing an emotional issue, it needs to be solved with emotions. If we're. thing to Experiencing an intellectual issue. We need to resolve that with intellect. So that's something that really wants to consider. So you've got these two different camps. And the reason why I'm even outlining all of this is festival. It's important for us to realize which compression, and if you're in neither camp, then you may be securely attached and you may be able to figure out. Actually I'm able to process And things emotionally, I'm able to figure out what level of vulnerability I'm willing to take and what risk I'm willing to take in order to build this relationship with somebody. And if that's The case, then that's perfect. But let's break it down. So been talking quite heavily about being vulnerable. And. Being vulnerable. Requires courage. So with Vulnerability is not for the weak. And find people who are in the avoidant camp, people who are really emotionally discounted, they may appear to. be strong. So on the surface they look like they are really strong because they show emotions because they are just. Able to go step by step through anything. If there's a challenge, they are able to tag us at. So on the surface, they appear really strong. They've got everything together. That's. If I was to nudge them and I often have the sun in clinic as well. If I was to nudge them towards the edge of being more vulnerable and really connecting to that emotions. Then it becomes really frightening, then they don't know what to do. Then they get lost. And I'm not saying that you're lost all the time or, you know, you should ever live your life like that. but it's actually the courage to know. That we all have vulnerabilities and vulnerabilities. Make he human. And that's the beauty of life, because the moment that you lean into your own vulnerability and your partner does as well. precise. And you are really able to be in that vulnerable place to gather. That's when you experienced belonging within you. Within them. And you feel belonged within each other. And that's really what cultivates emotional intimacy. That is a thing that really strengthens your bond and your connection. That is when oxytocin is released highest degree. And you'll really sustaining. That amount of affection and that amount of emotional connection between one of the, between each other. So that is absolutely crucial. So. The ink that they It does require courage fee to be vulnerable. And here's the difference in terms of what the coach looks like? It's about knowing that. Even if I am vulnerable. And even though I'm taking a risk here, and even though I might not know what's going to happen five minutes, 10 minutes, five years, 50 years down the future, even though I might not know the answers to all of this But I am setting. That I can trust myself. I am sensing that I have got the ability to navigate life. I am set in that I can navigate my way forward and really trust myself to be able to resolve the problems that. I might be facing. I have got that confidence that I can keep myself safe. Even if I can't predict the future, even if I don't know what's going to happen, even if I end up. guessing hurts in this moment. But I have access. Sensi that I will be able to deal with that and I will be able to pull through. And that level of personal safety is so important because that's the thing that really allows you to be courageous in order to be vulnerable. So So that you can have the possibility of a better relationship with your partner. Evolved with emotion. So that's massive. And when we're talking about, well, what does vulnerability look like in practice? rinse, It's really a bounce leaning into the things that are. That A key from an emotional standpoint. Things that we might be scattered of that we might feel fair around though. We might feel insecure about our. What. Wounds. out of this. So these may be things, for example, like, well, actually I'm really SCAD. Thoughts. This problem that we've had is going to reoccur. I'm really scattered Thoughts. You might prefer somebody else over me. I'm really scattered thoughts. In a few years down the line, you're not going to want to be with me. in the same way. I'm really scattered thoughts. I, I'm not smart important to you in your life compared with everything else. So, so whatever your vulnerabilities or your fears or your anxieties are, that is really what. Sharing your vulnerability looks like in practice, but we can also be vulnerable when we're expressing our dreams and hopes and our goals and our ambitions. And this is a flip side because I've seen So many people, so many couples where they come into my office and I'll ask one, one of the partners where for example, they might be saying, oh, you know what, I've been really stuck. Frazier's aren't. I'm sick of being in the house. I'm sick of my job. I want to do something else. And if I ask them, well, what would you like to do? If money And time? And Gigi's what no objects. What would you want to do? And they might start talking to me about a fantasy of that as of, oh, I would love to start off this food chain supply, or I would love to start off this clothing brand, or I would love to do this or this, and they talk about their dreams, but at the same time, you can see that there's an anxiety about sharing their dreams and there's an anxiety of sharing it. Not necessarily to me actually, but more to that partner. their That worried about what kind of judgment or what kind of response are they going to get from their partner? They're worried about how their partner might see them and whether they're dreaming to you bag. Or whether that partner is going to have some kind of retorts and say, Hey, but you tried this, why don't you go down this avenue? Or why don't you go down that avenue? As opposed to really being in that space and. Just to let you know, whenever we experienced that vulnerability or that fear or that anxiety. more, often than not, that is actually a merit to ourselves in terms of what it is that we need to resolve. Not necessarily what is an issue in our partner and our partner has to resolve in us. So the way that I would like to think about it is that we have this vulnerability that's inside of us, something was scattered and it usually stems from a wound around our self-worth. And we may see issues in our relationship that trigger that wound that's inside of us. And if that's the case. Then when we are with our partner, it's really about recognizing what it is that we're scared of. Owning that. Um, it And expressing that in a way of actually, I really want you to listen to me. I really want you to support me. I really want you. to hear me out because this is something that's really difficult for me to say. I and I feel really vulnerable talking about this. But I'm doing this because I want to take That step forward with you. And wants to take that step with you. To invite you. into my world. And he says no sight invitation, what a beautiful invitation and what a beautiful pursuit as well, because that is the pursuit of emotional connection. that affection. Now. It's a lot about vulnerability. Let's move on to how it is that we can even get some stage. could she be Well, the foundation for being vulnerable? with some day is really about the sense of safety. taking care and the sense of trust. And what I would say is that safety and trust..I might all the ingredients for your foundation. so if you match in that you aren't building a big grand building, whether it be it's Holtz, hell block, or whether it be this immaculate house, whatever it is. But. feet. No screens The thing That's most important about this building is the foundation. we'll And you cannot build it just on the land. If you did then. thing that Who knows it's going to fall down at some point it might be today that it falls down. It might be in 10 years that it falls down. But the point is, is that it will fall down. what does And the thing that's most important is actually the foundation. all. And for you to build the strongest healthiest foundation. You all going to need trust? On geography needs safety. well, I'm really. So safety. we've heard. Is really. about obviously fiscal safety and that, that snow home, that you are protected, that you feel safe in your own house. That's unit pretty obvious. But there's also psychological safety, which are more nuanced signs. and So psychological safety is really about this idea of. several, I feel like I'm accepted in this household. I feel like I can say what's on my mind. And I'm not going to be. to do money And, Rejected. I'm not going to be criticized. I'm not going to be hated on for having this viewpoint or for having this value. clothing would And it's really about, this idea that my core essence of who I am, what makes me, me, my characteristics, my values, they are accepted and they are okay. know. They're worried how that and for me to get to that point. that be, to have The there's two things that really need to be happening. The first thing is that I know I am okay with myself and I am okay with my values, my character, my. The Sara Principles that I accept all parts of me, thus. Number one, so important. And the second thing is that I know that's even if me and my partner have occasions while we are all arguing or why would be crying or whether that's conflict, things like that. the. I know that they also accept who I am. Um, my character or my values, And that's incredibly important. stop with you Because when we've got that level of acceptance, we can step more in line in to our authentic being. We are not constantly battling ourselves or trying to revet back, but actually we are doing the thing that Is really important to us. And we are present in The relationship as ourselves. we remove the mask. And so we are not trying to curate anything, but we are. Isn't Who we are not special. So that's one thing. P today. Insomnia. So the And. NS When we all safe. We also know that we can rely on our partner in terms of their responses to us. the fiscal. How they are going to tune in to Allie needs. That's And how they will attend us when we need something from them. really That is impulsive. And the more consistence of response we get from our partner. to. The safer we feel the more secure we feel it. in our relationship because we are literally guessing those consistent responses. We are, getting continuous validation and verification, then yes, you are. accepted. Yes. ID. See you. Yes, I do understand you. and yes, I care about you. And this is really important. So I can go to my partner when I'm feeling upset. if they And I know that there'll be there for me, but I can also go to my partner and want to celebrate something that I have achieved or something That I am experiencing. That has made me really happy. And I know that my partner will want stand by me. That is really important and vice versa. This happens two ways. goals. So the more that We do that. but The more that we are really nurturing that safety loop between ourselves. us. Oh, And we are also building trust in that moment because I trust that my partner will respond In a consistent way. We I trust that they will be available for me if I need them to be available. And I trust that this is that viewpoint. This is that values. This is that list of character. know for And I know all of these things. I trust these things because I believe that they have shown up in the relationship. As their true self that they've not shown up with a mask on. Because I have also. shown up in the relationship without my mask on And therefore they can also. trust. me because they have seen how I've been, how I've reacted, how I've acted in certain situations. That actually, that is the thing that they're trusting. It's the entire person I am. And that we can So, this is really important because. how That trust and that safety. that Is the foundation from which you can build that relationship. safe. Just the foundation from which you can So let's talk about the feedback. Because for you to really cultivate emotional intimacy, you are going to need the foundation, the safety and the trust. In order for you to be vulnerable. And vulnerability also supports that sense of safety and trust to be built. So you lead all three components. And if you are being vulnerable without necessarily trusting that individual or without necessarily knowing that you can feel safe with that person. You've got the safety inside of you. You got the safety with them. You've seen it, that being consistent, that they are being truthful, they all doing what they say, and you've been able to witness their character with other people as well. So, you know, you've got all of this information where you know that you can trust this person. Vulnerability feels a lot easier. And the reason as to why you'd be vulnerable with this person, that it just seems really, really clear because you're being vulnerable in order to build something with this person in order to build a life with this person, the life that you are wanting to have within your relationship. And that is peaceful, but you know, that you can trust them. You know, the foundation is, uh, you know, that you feel safe. However, let's talk about the inverse. So, if you are wanting heavily to trust someday, But there's no vulnerability involved. It ends up feeling really distant and sort feeling as if there's a lot of emotional disconnect because you all wanting to camp with this person. You all wanting to cultivate something that feels naturing, but at the same time, That person isn't really that they're not really sharing the hopes and dreams and not sharing their fears. They're not sharing. Parts of that being, they're not sharing their soul. They're not sharing their mind. They're not sharing. What makes them them. Right because vulnerability is essentially the very part of us that not everybody gets to see. It's certainly a very few select people that get to see us being vulnerable. It's that part of us that we hold sacred. And if I trust you enough, if I feel safe enough with you. Then vulnerability just feels natural with you. And it feels peaceful with you. And if I can't express that level of vulnerability, even if I trust this individual, what that means is that I'm practicing an avoidant attachment. I'm actually practicing. Emotional disconnect, even though I can logically trust you. And if I'm doing that. I I'm actually sitting in the camp of, you know, what? Emotions are a bit pointless. Why would I even go over? I might still just be functional with you. I might as well, just be procedural and just be practical. And just do all the logical things. Without the emotions involved because if you ever leave me. Which am I fair that you inevitably well. Or that you will eventually hit me. Then yeah, it would send me to not be vulnerable with you because why would I, I'm not going to risk my emotions for that. And so if that's really what's happening, feel partner, if they receiving that message daggering to feel really pushed away that going to feel like you're disconnecting from them, they are going to feel like you are distant. And they're going to be asking why the heck are you. You may be that physically, you day-to-day, but emotionally you're not present. It's almost like there's this mask. There's this distance. You're keeping them at arms length. And that feels really uncomfortable because who are they in a relationship with even, they don't feel like they are in a relationship with. Anyone it's just functional day by day. And so if that's the case, if you are on either side of the coin, Well, I would heavily recommend. Is that you seek out professional help. And not any kind of help, but it's really the help that focuses in on emotional vulnerability and also developing that safety. So one of the things that your practitioner would really need to look at is how do you resolve certain wounds that are within you? How do you heal those pain points? The thing that gets triggered. So in this case, it may be. I will be hit eventually in this relationship. It may be how the past has really hit me. And so I've lent the only way I can survive is by being emotionally disconnected. And looking at, well, actually that's not serving me anymore. It did in the past, but now things are different. So how can I really live in line with that? And so it's not just a logical practice. It's not something that we can. Logically move towards or logically rationalize. I'm going to be opposed to that, but it's really about the emotional practice. It's really about sitting in with our own vulnerabilities and being vulnerable with ourselves and being willing to be vulnerable with ourselves. In order for us to move on to the next chapter of our personal life and our relationship. If anything on today's episode has resonated with you, please do me three solids. Please rate the show and share it with a friend, because if you have found it useful, I bet you that one of your friends will D two. And finally, please have a look at the free relationship health quiz. It's going to give you a bunch of tools on techniques, things for you to really focus on for improving your relationship and it's completely free. So you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Until next time, take care.