Emotional Intimacy Part 5. Don't be in a relationship if you're not nurturing it daily, and how often do you audit your relationship?

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello tribe. So good to have you back today. We all going to be talking about how do we maintain emotional intimacy? Um, and for me, Maintenance is just as important, if not even more important. Then change. So I don't know if you've experienced this or somebody else that you know of his hunt, this, but let's talk about health. For example, if you ever know somebody who goes. Incredibly healthy with that diet, with our exercise. And then all of a sudden they revert back to old habits. That itself shows you that change is a lot easier than maintenance and it's actually the people who end up maintaining a healthy lifestyle after a big change. They are the ones who have truly integrated what these behaviors and what these habits, what these actions. Are, and how meaningful it is for them. So that in itself just evidences how important the maintenance bears and it's the same with this. So how do we maintain practices of emotional intimacy? And I'm going to categorize this into a couple of different ways. In fact, three different points. The first one. Is considering the daily habits. Of staying emotionally connected. And we have to be so intentional about this. And I'm going to give you an analogy to really think about the impulses of the daily habit of emotional intimacy. So. If I ask you, do you brush your teeth? You'd probably say yes, I'd hope. You'd say yes anyway. And if I asked you well, deeper she'll teeth every day, and you would probably also say yes, and if I asked you, well, do you brush your teeth twice a day? And I'm guessing most people would say yes. In fact, some people might say three times a day, And if I asked you, well, why do you brush your teeth? You brush your teeth to prevent cavities, to ensure good oral hygiene. And you might be sitting there thinking, why am I even talking about teeth? Well, The reason is that. You brush your teeth every day to avoid big problems with your teeth. It's not okay for you to just brush your teeth really, really well, one day and then just wait out for the week. And then just hope for the best, because actually if you do that, guess what your teeth are not going to be clean day 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Onwards and you all going to end up going for a higher level of intensity. So y'all going to be going for intensity, as opposed to consistency. You are hoping that this one day of really good teeth washing is going to end up keeping you away from the dentist, but actually you end up going to the dentist and you're having teeth removed. Whereas actually, if you are consistent, then that's the thing that's going to hold you in the long run. That is the thing that's going to save you. And it's the same with emotional intimacy that you cannot just be incredibly. Emotionally committed and intimate and doing all of the practices that we've spoken about from pots ones for you. Can't. Delve into emotional intimacy to that levels. So fast, so deep, so quick. And for it to not be a consistent pattern every single day. It's actually much more important for you to have little moments of emotional connection and emotional intimacy. And for that to be habitually done each and every day. It's only slight your planting, the seed, and you're watering, you're planting and you're watering, you're watering and you're nurturing. You're guessing the sunlight and you're constantly feeding. The emotional connection within your relationship. So it has to be intentional. It has to be daily. And it has to be in various different moments of opportunity. So let's talk about each one of these things in a bit more detail. So. First thing that I mentioned is daily. You cannot go for a day without nurturing that emotional intimacy. I'm telling you the snow, you can also go for a day without naturing emotional intimacy. Even that has been an argument, even if there's been a conflict between each two. It is vital. That you then make the effort of trying to connect to emotionally. And that emotional connection can even be talking about. Conflict that you've just had. And it can be from the approach of, you know, what I really want us to be. Okay. And I really want us to grow from this. I really want us to see an opportunity. For us to develop and for us to really understand each other for us to really hold each other and be safe. And to develop further trust. And I'm willing to allow myself to be vulnerably here. Like I am willing to do all of these things, even though we've just had a conflict, we've just had an argument. We've just had this, this, and this, whatever it is, but I'm willing to do all of that because I want to. Daily practice, emotional connection and emotional intimacy with you. So you can do it when things are good. But I would also heavily advise that you do at when things are challenging, because that is going to be the sign to tell you. Is this relationship with, well, can this relationship really lost time? Because if you can't do it. It's not lasting time. I tell you this now because you'll be harboring resentment or your partner will be harboring resentment. You will be feeling anxious. You'll be feeling frustrated. And that is going to lead to emotional disconnect. So you can end up doing stuff together and being functional and having a routine together and kind of like doing all the practical stuff. But it's no different to being a robot or being in a relationship with a robot. It just does not work. It is not fulfilling. It's not meaningful. And my God, anyone who knows me always been following me. I hate the surface stuff. Like, please let's get out of the realm of just maintaining a surface relationship. If you're going to be in a relationship, it better be meaningful because then what is the point? You are really. Allowing yourself to live your life with somebody else. And why not make that great life? You deserve it, the other persons as well. So why not step into that realm? So it needs to be daily. It needs to be consistent. It needs to be when things are difficult, as well as when things are good thought that would be a lot easier. And a couple of tips for you to take home and for you to practice. Is our wound. You. Every single day. To think about what you are thankful for about your partners, qualities on that values. What you all thankful for? About your partner's qualities and values. And I want you to come up with at least five things. If you can get more than five things. Amazing. But I want at least five things. I'm going to repeat that again. That qualities on that values. So for example, My partner on. Who's going to do a little bit of personal exposure here, but my partner is incredibly generous, incredibly generous. And even when years back when we were in Twenties and we started dating. Or even, yeah. I was once he's trying to remember the timeline here. But. I remember even when he was broke, he was incredibly generous with what little he had. And I was so grateful for his generosity because not that I was taking anything, but for the fact that I saw that that was such a beautiful quality. And I really admire that in him. Because he, despite not having very much come from a financial perspective at the time. He gave what he could and he believed in how important that was. He believed in how. Nurturing that would be for another person for their relationship, but also just for humanity as a whole. So I was so grateful for that. And it had nothing to do with me, but I was grateful for his value of being generous and for his character of giving. And I would really encourage you to think about five different qualities or characteristics about your partner, that you are really grateful for. Because the moment that you start to think about that, The moment that you aren't, she'll lean into the more and emotionally you are physically leaning into, the more you are wanting to have more of them. You become more curious about who they are on. And you're wanting to remain in that realm. You are wanting to enter that world. And if they're doing that with you as well. Then you all, both entering each other's world. You are both wanting to invite each other into your respective worlds. And that in itself, cultivates such a peaceful, emotional connection. So I would heavily. Emphasize that you are able to do this. Second strategy that I want you to think about. Is how you would regularly check in with your partner. So I'm talking about moments when you are really asking your partner, how are you? Like really, how all you. And I'm not saying one of these. At surface level interactions, which by the way, we are all guilty of saying, oh, you're right. And you know, partner says, yes. And you just carry on your day. I'm not talking about that, but I'm saying. You're sitting at dinner. Or you're making a cup of coffee in the morning. And you've just got that moment. Why your face-to-face? And you're saying, how are you? And it really, how are you? And I would heavily encourage that you have a ritual of how is it you check in with each other. So I know with some couples. That I've worked with. One of the rituals for the check-ins. I have been let's go on a walk and they'll go on a short walk, a 20 minute walk. And within that 20 minute walk, they will be asking, how are you? Like really, how all you. Um, things might be good. Things might not be so good. But within that, they are really expressing vulnerabilities of expressing their fears and also their hopes and dreams. And that gives us an opportunity to really calf Rao partner, to really understand what's going on for them to be invited into that world. But also to show that we have compassion for them, that we all holding them in mind and we all wanting to work through life together. And that is be useful because that's the thing that's really going to maintain your emotional connection as time goes on. And it's also about the micro moments. So what I'm talking about, micro-moments, I'm also talking about receiving the bed of another partner. So there's a term called beds, and I think this was. It's ham that was coined by the Gottman's. So the Gottman's that clinical psychologists who also specialize in relationship health and ultimately what a bid is. Is when your partner says something, they make an expression and you've picked up their expression and you respond to that. And it could be an expression about a random thing. It's not necessarily about YouTube as a couple, but it's about that state. And you respond to it. So for example, Your partner might say, oh, it's really hot in here. And you go head and you open the window. Cause you know, you're right next to the window and you think, oh, it's not big deal. Arch. Kind of open the window here just to help them cool down. And that is a micro-moment. And that is really powerful. That is you responding to that bid. And so it's not necessarily that they've said, Hey, can you do X, Y, and Zed for me? Or maybe they did. But. It's actually the fact that you have held them in mind. In such a small and such an innocuous way. And you have shown them that you care because you've been holding them in mind. And because you responded in a particular way. And I'm not saying that you have to do this for every single point of communication or every single micro-moment with them. But if it's done most of the time, then that's the thing that's really going to support emotional connection. Because even though it's about random stuff and it's not that you aren't necessarily pouring your heart out to them or they doing the same. Or that you are being really vulnerable. It's not really to do with that. But it's more about the fact that, oh yeah. I feel like I've been held in mind because I was bit hot therapy in the window. Oh, yeah, no, I feel better. Thank you. I appreciate that. And it's really about loose micro moments of connection that are so powerful and so important because it makes us feel held. I've spoken about quite a few different strategies, quite a few different techniques. So please take all of this on board and we are not done yet. Next thing is really about our loaf language ritual. Love language rituals so important. If you don't know what love language is. It is essentially the way that we feel loved. It's not necessarily the way that we are expressing love, but it's how we receive love. And couples often have different love languages. So there are five main languages. This, these are. What's of affirmation. Physical contact. Gifts acts of service and quality time. These are the main categories in which we feel loved. And so for some people, it might be WhatsApp information for other people. It might be quality time. And it's really important that you know, what your love language is on. You know, what your partner's love languages. And vice versa. And the reason being is it is our job. Not to express our own love language, but it's actually our job to express the love language that our partner has. So if my partner. Really feels loved with quality time. It is my gut to create a ritual where there is quality time. So therefore it would be my duty to say, you know what? Every evening at 7:00 PM, we have got kids and bad or, you know, whatever it is. And we all going to spend a solid hour. Face-to-face doing something that we really appreciate, that we really love doing together. And that would be our quality time, or it would be. One weekend out of every month. I am taking you away, or we all going to go to the gallery or we are going to go out for dinner or we're going to do something, but it would be my GT to act in the way. That my partner would appreciate in terms of that love language. And they would do the same for me. So let's say I'm quality. Uh, words of affirmation. Then it would be really important for my partner. To express. What it is that they admire about me, what it is that they love about me, for them to give me verbal confirmation that they are thinking about me. So it might be that they send me a text message every morning, whilst I'm at work saying I'm really proud of you, or you look amazing even with you having so Massey in the morning. Whatever it might be, but. That is the way that we really communicate our love language. And I would heavily encourage that you do this. As a ritual. So it's something that is regular. Daily if possible. And it's something that both of you have agreed to. And his, the other caveats within that. It is crucial that you all, both keeping each other accountable and keeping yourself accountable, full, continuously acting in that moment or in that way and upholding the ritual. So, for example, if we sad that every chief's afternoon, we all going to have a date. And we all, both green to leave work early. We both have a solid few hours together. Then it is really important that you uphold that and serve you. I, and nothing is getting in the way. I don't care if your work is on fire, let it be on fire. It needs to end the fire at 12 o'clock. Cause we're missing at half 12 and not, is that right? So that, so. It has to be upheld. And your accountable I'm accountable and I'm also holding you accountable as well. So for example, if you then. All of a sudden. Birkin something at work when we are meant to be spending quality time together. I will actually pull you upon it and I'm looking to do it from position of attack, but I will say, Hey. I see that you've booked work whilst we're meant to be doing this. I thought we had an agreement and I feel really upset. I feel really disappointed and. I really would have appreciated more notice or I would have really appreciated for us to be together in that moment, because that was the thing that I really value. And that's the thing that would really net trust. So I will keep you accountable and I will pull you up. In moments that I find really obsessing. So this is something that's so important. And. With this, we all also. Prioritizing emotional intimacy. A month life stoma. Mums. I can't tell you the number of times I've had couples walking into my office and they'll say things like, oh, you know what? We've been really busy and workers doing this and this thing's happening. And. Wherever else. And they'll give me a story about how busy they are. And I never buy into it. Because I sincerely do not believe that anyone on this planet. Is too busy for the things that really matter. What's actually happening is that it's not a time management issue. It's a priority issue. So in. That period of time when you have not emotionally connected or you've knocked on the ritual, you've not even sent your partner. That message whilst you're in work and they're in work. And you know, you just wanted to give them words of affirmation, whatever it is. But if you then start considering that you are too busy for that thing. I E the emotional intimacy and nurturing it and watering it and Faria, if you're too busy, Because what got in the way. Actually, no. What was party for you in that moment was work. Emotional intimacy was not a priority for you in that moment. And that's okay. Cause you know, priorities shift down day, hour after hour, you know, our priorities we've got, we've all got multiple priorities and they always shift. But. You cannot sacrifice emotional intimacy. If your relationship is really that important to you. And if you are sacrificing emotional intimacy and you're noticing yourself sacrificing it further and further. I want you to ask yourself this really brutally honest question and be honest with yourself. Are you sacrificing emotional intimacy because you're SCAD. And there's something that feels really frightening that you just can't broach. Or are you sacrificing emotional intimacy? Because this relationship is not important to you. So, is it because you're SCAD or is it because it's not important? And I want you to really sit with yourself and ask yourself that question and be brutally honest with yourself, because if you are. Perpetually prioritizing other stuff. And then all of a sudden it's Sunday night. And you realize, oh, my goodness has been an entire week and we've not had any moment of face-to-face. We've not had any moment of asking, how are you like really? How are you? We've not had any moment of communicating within each other's love language. If you, if that's what's going on. And you think, oh my goodness. Like. It's just happen. Like I've had this it'll pop out and dah, dah, dah. And she'll, you will have other parties, like your kids are going to be privacy. Absolutely. But if your partner is not in your diary, if they are not having that dedicated space and time and energy, Then I would really be asking. Are you scared? Because if you, because it might be that you're scared of broaching something because you're scared of rejection or you're scared of obsessing them, or you're scared of them obsessing you. So is it. That there's a fare involved. And if so, how is it that we're going to get over this fair? Or is it that actually, this is just not important to you, and if it's not that important to you, then I really want you to reset and really consider, well, why am I in this relationship with this person? If it's not like important to me. And was there a time when it was important to me? Is it possible to get back to the space? One, this would be important to me. What has to happen in order for it to be important? And a guarantee that the more that you practice emotional intimacy, the more important that relationship will be for you and short you'll have other priorities you'll have work. You'll have kids, you'll have friends, you'll have whatever it is that you also know the priority that your partner holds in your life and suit. That will be incredibly important. And finally. Last, but not least. And I would say this really important. Is that you do a regular audit? With your partner. And I'm not saying, get the file fax out. I'm not saying, Hey, get a spreadsheet out and start kind of calculating how things have shifted and what your targets were and what your goals were and how you've matched up to you. That. So maybe not quite in that. Uh, rigid format, but I do want you to do an audit. And so the audit would be. What did we intentionally want within this relationship? So what was our deepest desire for this relationship? What is it that we wanted to feel in this relationship? What is it that we wanted to do in this relationship to nurture one another? So for example, it would be our commitment to protecting date night, or it would be our commitment to the love language. I practice the love language ritual. It would be our commitment to picking up on the micro moments, the beds within the relationship. So what was it that we wanted to do and that we set out for. And also, how did we get on. Do we feel like we have protected that time that we said that we would protect. HASA actually happened. How. I communicated in a way that has made you feel loved. But also what challenges have I posed in this relationship? So I would recommend that you do an audit. Once a month, like. At the very least, I was kind of say that once a month is, is, uh, goods, curve timeline. So it would really be asking these four basic questions. The first one is what is it that we set out to do? So. Practicing the love languages. Practicing the ritual walls, prancing micro moments, like what is it that we set out to do? Second, how did we get on with that? So debt we protect the time that we said that we would. Fed. How have I made you feel loved? In the past few weeks, how have I made you feel loved? But also finally, number four, what challenges have I posed in the past month? What challenges have I posts? So have there been times when I was not wasn't as understanding as I perhaps could have been have there been times when I was a little bit short tempered, when actually it would have been really helpful for me to be more. Understanding and to have greater capacity, would it have been more important for me to be compassionate? Whereas actually there was a moment where I really struggled to lean into that. And it's really important for me to understand how is it that I post challenges. And by the way, I guarantee that every single person here has supposed to challenge, even if you think you're an angel you've posted challenge. That's okay. Ask the question. No shame in doing that. But the more that we understand how it is that we've posted a challenge, then we can really start to lean into what is it that we need to do. And how is it that we need to act. In order to really cultivate growth in order for us to sustain emotional intimacy and emotional connection. So we are talking about the good stuff. We're also talking about the difficult stuff. And how it is that we can be forward. If anything in this episode has resonated with you. Please do me three solids, please follow the show and rate it. Second, share it with a friend because if you find it useful, I bet you that one of your friends would D two. And finally, why not take the free relationship health quiz? It's really here to assess what is going well in your relationship, but also the areas that you could do with some improvements. And why not? It's free. You've got everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. And until next time, take care.