Emotional Intimacy Part 3. Communicating Emotions: Actions Speak Louder Than Words & Don't Just Respond

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Oh, my relationship success tribes. So good to have you back. And today we are going to be talking. About how we can communicate our way into emotional connection. And they're all going to be three main things that we are going to be talking about today. And please listen up. Because I would say that the final fed point. Is one of the most important points and it's not, she one that is really not attended to very much people don't do it very well, but it is crucial. So let's begin. Number one. How it is that we express emotions clearly. Now this might seem like a really obvious one, but it's so important. And a lot of people don't do it. What often people do is they will say something in a very frustrated tone. Or in a very aggressive tone. Or in a very anxious tone. Or in a stuttery. Retone, but all of this is the tone. What I mean by that is that you're not actually saying. I feel frustrated, but you are saying. This thing is really annoying me. And actually what you're doing there is you are expression expressing the tone of frustration, but you're not actually saying that you offer streeted. And you are labeling that. The other thing is the thing that is annoying you. So, uh, this might seem like I'm going a little bit into linguistics and you might be thinking, oh, why am I even talking about the but guess what? Language is so important because language reflects what it is that we all thinking. And what we are thinking. Then gets married out into our language. And so if you're saying something. And it's reflecting incorrect or negative thinking or thinking that needs to be adjusted. What actually happens is that you're expressing something. And your partner. Only has that information to go off. And they can't answer your head. They can't correct your thinking. They can't. Figure out if it's them, if it's you, if it's a situation, it just becomes really confusing. And there are far too many moving variables. So let's break it down. Let's make it simple so that we can move forward in a very healthy and consistent, simple, and intelligent way. Now. A couple of things here. First thing is we need to express our emotions. Your emotions, all your own. Nobody on this planet makes anybody feel anything. I repeat nobody on this planet makes anybody feel anything. A lot of people don't let me sign this, but it's absolutely true. Somebody might do something. And you, as a consequence might feel really upset or you might feel really annoyed or you might feel really anxious, but the reason why you feel those things are because of sets and expectations. You would have held. So I'm going to slow it down, but let's say we've got a cup hole and. An argument occurs and one person. Was. A bit messy. They left the dishes or they just slept the house a bit dirty or something happened. And that partner. Ends up feeling really frustrated. The thing is, is that. Well, typically what happens is that the partner who feels really frustrated would say, Hey, you didn't clean up UMass. You just left all the trash out. You did this, you did that. And therefore you are making me feel this way. But that's not actually true. What is more accurate is your partner. Did do those things or didn't do those things. And you have an expectation in the hope that they would do those things. You had the expectation that they would, uh, Collaborate all that they would contribute. Most of the households you had these expectations. And what happened in that moment is that your expectations were not met. And you feel sad or you feel frustrated. So the emotion is actually yours. And the situation, the thing that you see is simply a representation or sign of what you had as an expectation, what you were hoping to have happened, or what you believed would happen. And that thing didn't happen. And so that's the thing really that we can use T be able to move a relationship forward. And we can talk about techniques about that later on. But, but the thing that really wants to clear up is the emotion is yours. And so when you're expressing emotions, It is important. That you own the emotion and you use I statements. And the moment that you start using I-statements. What happens for your partner is that they have a greater bandwidth to be able to listen to you. They do not jump immediately into defense. And that's super important because if you're having a difficult conversation with your partner or you're trying to express something, That might be difficult to express. It might be difficult to hear. The ability to be able to say, I feel. Anxious. Or I feel angry. That is huge because if you say you made me feel angry, then actually what happens is that your partner immediately goes on the defense. They either start attacking you. They start stonewalling you, they start. Arguing the starts doing the thing that is opposite to what it is that you're wanting to get out of the conversation, but, but whatever it is that happens, you actually moved further and further away. Because you are placing your emotions on them and you are making your emotions, that responsibility. Whereas it's not. If you were to go back to the situ the example situation that I gave you about, let's say. Household chores. And that was something that happened. And you, as a consequence, felt frustrated or upset. In those particular moments. What's actually really peaceful is that you can use. This situation to start having this conversation with your partner saying, Hey, I feel really upset. I feel like I contribute to the household. And I really hoped that you would do the same. And I've come here and I've seen that. The socks on the floor or I've seen their dirty dishes or whatever it is, but, you know, I have seen this. And this is the thing that I was hoping for. Um, the moment that you start speaking in that language and you are owning everything for you and you're using I-statements throughout. The conversation tone is very different and your partner says, oh my goodness. You know what? I didn't even realize it didn't even think like eats, fosters empathy. And that's is really when we start working towards emotional intimacy, because we are not going into defense. We're not getting into attack. We are not going into silencing, but we are really creating a space where empathy can be cultivated, but we are only able to do that. When we stop owning our own emotions and what it is that we see what it is that we hear. What sense we made of it, but we own all of that. And the moment that we earn months. Then our partner has a greater capacity for understanding what it is that we're going through and that in itself supports emotional intimacy. So first thing. But mentioned is how it is that we express ourselves in a very clear. And understanding way. Number two. Listening to you understand unconnect not listening to respond. The number of couples I've had walking through my office where they say things like. Oh, well, My partner said X, Y, and Z. And I immediately responded with AB and C. What actually happens in that moment is that you feel like you're being attacked. You feel like you are not being seen. You're not being heard. You are being misrepresented, your partner misunderstands you. And so you jump to try and defend yourself. You jump to respond to what it is that they've said. And if I was to be really crude and if I was to really simplify this. What happens in that moment is that you are literally listening to your partner. So that you can respond to them. You are not listening to your partner. With the intention of understanding them. So the way that this is different is that if you were really sitting that listening with the intention of unsung your partner, You would actually start asking them more questions. You would be a lot more curious about what it is that they say you would be a lot more interested in that perspective and how is it they feel and what interpretation they made of that and how they sort of situation and what is going on for them. What was going on in their mind? You would. Be really curious. And you would want to look at what's going on in all angles. Now, when I say being curious, I don't mean that you are investigating them with a microscope. And, you know, it's almost like you are in one of those detective rooms. But no, you are genuinely trying to understand more and more about what it is that they see. How is it they feel. And what is really going on for them. And whilst you're doing this. You also have to step out of your own head. This is a thing that people often find really difficult because unfortunately the way that the brain is scared and the way that our egos work is science. We subconsciously start to believe and assume that everything is about us. And the reality is that it's not all about you. That's okay. That is beautiful. That in itself is a gift. So when your partner is saying something. And let's say you are on the receiving end. Let's say that your partner is really frustrated because you didn't take out the trash or you burned dinner. Or you were at work late and you didn't respond to that masters or whatever it is, but let's say you are on the receiving end. What is crucial for you to do is to listen so that you can understand what it is that's going on for them. As opposed to responding saying, Hey, do you not see how hard I'm working to provide for the family? Even though that might be true, but actually what, trying to cultivate emotional intimacy, we're trying to cultivate emotional understanding. We're trying to really get to that point. Why that is emotional connection and repairing ruptures, not maintaining the rupture. We're not trying to convince our partner of our viewpoint, but what we're trying to do is work towards a greater truth together. So the greater truth together is really by trying to postpone, what is it you think and feel, and really being curious about your partner? Well, how did you feel when this thing happened? What did you think about when this thing happened? What sense did you make of it? When I was in what clay to, and if they say things like, well, I was really upset because it feels like you're putting me second to your work and it feels like you're not at home very much. And it feels like you are emotionally discuss. Connected. If I'm hearing that. And I'm really trying to just step out of my own head and what's going on for me. And I'm standing beside my partner, listening to them and really curiously trying to understand how they're feeling in that moment. I have much greater empathy for them and I can say, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to feel emotionally disconnected. And of course I care about you. I just feel like I'm in a difficult position myself. But of course, what is it that we can do so that we can feel more emotionally connected? What is it that I need to do? Or what is it that needs to happen so that we can spend more time together? How can we plant this? And how does that work around our schedules? What would that look like? How would you want to feel in those moments? And so the more we can do that. And that's really what active listening is. Smiles. It's not about responding. And when you get some stage and let's say you are coming from very different perspectives. What's also important is that you, after listening to understand and you've understood them and you've checked in with them in terms of, okay. So you've said that you feel really upset when I'm late in work. And I'm not home for dinner. And it makes you feel as if I don't care about you. It's not right. And, you know, you checking it in and they say yes or no. But let's say they say yes. And you can say, you know, what is it okay. If I just share my experience because I honestly. Never meant to me. You feel like you are second to my work, of course, your office to my work. And sometimes I feel like I have to work really hard in order for you to be proud of me. And I'm really scared that if I don't work this hard, then you might actually think I'm not a good enough partner or I'm not good enough provider. And I just feel really stuck. So even though I'm not here physically with you, I'm doing this thing for you. And I'm really hurt that you can see that, but if that's not working, then what is it that we can do for both of us to really feel emotionally connected? Because the truth is is that if your partner is feeling that struggle. I can almost guarantee that you will be feeling that struggle as well. You may feel it from a different perspective, but you will also feel struggle with struggle that you are not available for your partner as much as you would like to be, or that you are distant or that you are really disconnected emotionally, but actually you all want him to feel that emotional connection. So it's really about this pursuit. Of the greater truth. And we do that by constantly trying to understand one another. Not just listening to a conversation so that we can just respond. Finally, let's talk about number three, the non verbal communication and emotional closeness. Why is this Mason Polson? Now, if you've been following me, if you know a little bit about my work, you will also know that I have really emphasized the fact that communication. I E the stuff that you say. Is important, but it's only 7% importance. And the reason being is that 93% of what we communicate, what we say, how it is that we. Uh, interact with one another. Is actually through non-verbals, it's actually through the vibe that we have with somebody else. It's not cheap through the connection. It's actually through the touch it's through the eye contacts is through the facial expressions. It's through the movements that we have it's through the closeness, the proximity. It is so much more. But. The nonverbal communication. Often reflects how it is that we think and how it is that we feel and how it is that we expect certain things to be. And our relationship. And all of these things are going on in Tenley within us. We'll come out within the introduction, it'll come out in the relationship. And so it's really important that we have done our own personal work, that we are very clear about what are my emotions versus what your emotions, what is the. I need to be responsible over, which is myself and my thoughts. My emotions, my. Ability to regulate myself. How is I navigate this relationship? My expectations, all of these things are to do with me. I also need to be heavily aware of what my wounds are, what my triggers are. What is it? That I tend to think, or what am I vulnerabilities are particularly when it comes to an intimate relationship? What is my attachment style? I need to consider all of these things, because these are all mine. And all of these things are going to bleed out in the nonverbal communication. Because let's say, for example, if I am anxiously attached and so I really want emotional closeness, but at the same time, I'm really SCAD as to whether or not I deserve it. I'm really scared as to whether or not my partner believes that I am worthy enough, just the way that I am forced to have that level of interaction and closeness. And I'm really worried about whether or not they truly love me for who I really am. And whether I have to always do something or policemen a particular way or shut my mouth so that I avoid creating problems. If I'm that person. Then often what's going to happen is that I might be heavily expressing something. From an emotional standpoint or from a fiscal standpoint, I might be doing lots and lots of gestures. To try and please my partners. So whether it be that I am always meticulous in how I look or that I always try to please them. And I'm always cleaning the house. I'm always catering to their needs. I am guessing them, lots of gifts. I'm doing this and this and this. Like, let's say, if I'm doing that. Then. Also, what I am doing is I'm not really expressing my true emotions when I am upset or when I am anxious or what I am fearful. And I don't own any events. But what I do is I actually place everything on my partner and I'm doing a lot. So it's exhausting. My God is exhausting, but. In those moments, my partner sees all the things that I'm doing and they don't necessarily see the other side. They don't necessarily see the times when I am anxious when I'm just looking for a bit of reassurance. Our basic comfort. I'm just looking to make sure that they truly love who I am that I don't have to always perform. For me to get this level of affection. I can actually say when I'm upset because they haven't been as available for me as I would have hoped them to be like, these things would be allowed. Right. And, and so. All of these things are under the surface. All of these things are processes the way that I feel, the way that I think my wounds, my vulnerabilities, my anxieties, my fears, all of this stuff. Belongs to me, it's under the surface, but it will bleed out. It will bleed out in the nonverbal communications. And so I really need to get that sorted. I really need to introspect. I need to be more self-aware of what's going on for me. I need to be aware of the distinction of what is mine versus what is yours? And the more that I lean into that. Then opening the door for emotional connection and emotional intimacy. That becomes a lot easier. Because not saying that I'm necessarily healed and I'm perfect. And therefore I can truly express myself in a relationship because relationships themselves can be healing. But it's more to do with that. I have the selling site inside of me. And let's say I'm really worried that my partner is prioritizing work or prioritizing something else above me. Then, if I am owning my own emotions, like I said, 0.1. So I'm only using I-statements. I'm saying I feel really anxious. I feel really worried, but I've seen that you've been spending a lot of time at WAC and less time with me. And I really was hoping that you would spend more time with me. And I am frightened that this is signaling that you prioritize work above me. If I'm doing all of that. And I'm also saying, you know what? I am somebody who really wants to make sure that we are both available for each other in a relationship. That's something that's really important to me. Then. That is me really showing my. True emotions, but it's also me sharing the fact that I have self-reflected it's also showing that I can figure out what are my emotions. And I've done the prior work and I'm able to share that in a way that feels okay, because the tone of my voice is one that feels calm. It's also one that is wanting to get to her eye solution. It's one that wants to act together. It's not an attacking tone. And this is part of the non-verbal is the way that we're expressing certain things. And I can actually approach my partner with a level of physical proximity. My body language will be quite open and my body language is one that is seeking answers. I'm not necessarily closed off or distancing myself. I am open to holding hums whilst I'm saying something that is really difficult. And I'm willing to look my partner in the eye. And save these things in the hope for the greater good and the hope for the truth and the hope for a resolution. But I can only do the non-verbal things and do that in a healthy way and really start to. Cultivate that emotional connection. When I have also done the self-reflection when I have also figured out what is going on internally. In terms of my emotions, but also my wounds, my anxieties, my fares. And I'm also able to express that in a way that feels palpable. That feels understandable for my partner, because then if they are also listening with the aim of, and Sunday may, as opposed to the aim of responding. That really supports something that is a lot healthier to be Natchez. If any of this has resonated with you, please do me three solids first rate the show. Second, share it with a friend because if you found it useful, I bet you that one of them will D two and third. I have got an absolutely GC free health. Quiz for you to take, which really assesses your relationship status. And also gives you guidance on things that could do a little bit of work on because we are all about improvements on this show. Until next time, take her.