Get Over Emotional Barriers & Break Walls. Disconnection Makes You More Unsafe: Part 2

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Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationship success tribes. So that's RV hair. And we all going to be talking about how we overcome emotional barriers, emotional walls that are built up and relationships. And something that I'd mentioned in my previous episode. Was that unfortunately, and I hate saying this, I really do hate saying this because it's not a man woman thing. Um, but unfortunately, A lot of people, commonly men. Have developed emotional walls. When it comes to really vulnerable subjects. Relationships being a very vulnerable. Peg right, because we really expose ourselves fully within a relationship. And, you know, sadly part of the reason why man, Uh, well, mostly men have been geared to develop this. In the form of coping mechanism is really because of historical traumas that they have experienced. So it comes from a really painful place. And a lot of people, generally speaking, who have experienced. Emotional. Trauma. Physical trauma, sexual trauma. You know, whichever the council agree of trauma is particularly during that early years and their childhood. And let's say if that happened from people who they would have expected to receive unconditional love and conditional capital. From that parents let's say. Well that caregivers, if that's happened. Then it can be incredibly distressing. And so understandably. They develop these emotional walls because looking at emotions it's way too painful. So why would I look at them? I would much rather. Avoid the emotional pain. If we'd emotions altogether suppressed, squash them down. And just function, work hard. Operate as much as I can be in a functional state of mind and a functional state of function. Right. So. Eh, this is really where it comes from. And sadly, I see this a lot with high achievers with type a personalities. With people who can be also an in profession where they are incredibly caring. So either a healthcare profession or they are very caring of that team. But at the same time, they still have emotional walls when it comes to themselves. So they can give out a lot of care, but they don't really know how to accept care. It feels very uncomfortable. They don't east sweat, the suspicious. They don't know if they deserve it and a whole heap of doubts and questions and reservations com. When they are facing this issue of emotional vulnerability and developing emotional intimacy, because that feels really frightening. So. Let's talk about this issue a bit more. In terms of how to identify the emotional wall. The root cause and also certain strategies and techniques in terms of how we start to work to overcoming them. Now, first things first, identifying it, the emotional wall. This typically. Comes up in the form of defense. Now. Often one, we all in a difficult space with our partner. So let's say we have a disagreement or we're not quite on the same page or there's some kind of misunderstanding, but let's say there's a rupture of some sorts. What often happens is the defense. Comes into play. Full force. So we are that see what our partner is saying, and we automatically defend against it because we perceive it as an attack. And we don't want to be attacked. And th th this is, this is kind of different, right? So sometimes our partner may something that's a bit ambiguous or there may something say something, but they're saying it because that is that perspective. And that is only what they can see. And that's okay. But they'll say something. And instead of us, Really giving them the space or really trying to consider why they're coming from. We automatically jump into defense. Because we're frightened of maybe even the possibility of being attacked. And we're not actually being attacked, but we perceive it as an attack because they're saying something that makes us feel emotionally vulnerable. And so if we feel emotionally vulnerable, that does not feel okay. And so we just put in a barrier automatically, because anything to do with Alvin, your ability is just unacceptable. So defense goes up. And Simon shin defense as a response, but there could also be other forms of emotional walls, for example, avoidance of particular subjects or topics. Shutting down. So we either go into complete silence. And we all just snot engaging in the conversation. Or our partner. May try to have a conversation and then we shut them down. But so ultimately these are forms of stonewalling. Now, these are all very obvious signs of emotional walls, but let's talk about a really sneaky one. The sneakiest one and the most argued one is over intellectualizing. And I see this with so many of you intelligent people out loud with Sammy. So many of you, high achievers type a personality. Uh, people, so many of you CEO, exacts. It just so many business owners and entrepreneurs. I, you know, the list goes on. But people who over intellectualize. Are people who are exceptionally intelligent. They have worked really hard to problem solve. And do this in a very logical way, in a very intellectual way and a way where they are constantly succeeding and constantly progressing. And on paper, it looks brilliant. They have achieved so much. And so. Why wouldn't they continue down that path because it's worked so well for them. It's worked so well in all arenas in life and therefore, can it not work in a relationship? Can I not just intellectualize this issue in the relationship? As opposed to really sitting in with the emotional vulnerability. And really strengthening that emotional intimacy muscle. Like, do I need to do that? Now the answer is yes, you do. Because when you're in a relationship, You better not be a robot. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody who is a robot. Somebody who is very rational. Who's very logical. Who's very operational. Who's very procedural mechanical. That is not a relationship because I may as well be in a relationship with a robot. I fight is what I'm getting. And. Unfortunately, the reason why this is so sneaky is because it's wrapped up in a package of. Intelligence and it looks really attractive and it looks like it's the right way. And so the person who is over intellectualizing and the partner who's receiving this. They both start to get convinced that this person who's the intellectualizing individual, they start to get convinced like, yes, what they're saying is correct. And this is how things should be. And, you know, They just kind of go down the street chattery. But the reality is that that's not the case. Actually over intellectualizing is a very sneaky sign of avoiding emotional intimacy. And I'm not saying never be logical and never be rational. Like of course you do need a bit of thoughts. And you do need logic should be able to problem solve, to be able to move forward together, to be able to work things out, you will need thoughts, but it's a bit of ying and yang it's being in that emotional space and then doing the problem solving from the logical space. That's really what we're needing. It's it's that free flow. And the emotional intimacy. That is the thing that's really going to strengthen your bond because gas war is humans. When you were born. You were born, able to feel way before you could ever think rationally about anything and that in itself signifies how important emotions are to us humans. You have to be able to feel, and you have to be able to develop that emotional intimacy. And if you don't have that. You're only half living your relationship. Your inner relationship on paper, but that emotional, deep connection that's meaningful, that gets missed out. Unfortunately. And if you've got kids. I hate say it, but your kids all going to feel that they might not be told it and you're not telling them that. And you know, that's perfectly fine. But they feel it, kids aren't intelligent. We don't give them enough credit. And they will feel it because it's between the lines it's in the app. It's the aura. That is between you and your spinal, sir, the parents. So it's so crucial that emotional intimacy is cultivated, but obviously we have to identify the emotional walls. So if you all wrote for intellectualizing, I'm sure you'll be able to identify all self. Please recognize how, even though this might appear helpful, it can actually be really damaging because it leads to emotional disconnect. And. When we all talking about any of these defense mechanisms that I've mentioned. It's really important for us to go back and really understand the root cause. And what I would highlight is that we do personally, we do a lot of self-reflection. And we start to understand. More about ourselves in terms of why it is that we all so fearful of connecting to our own vulnerability. And. More often than not. When people, fab, vulnerability, what that actually faring. Is one of two things. So the right fearing rejection or they're fearing abandonment. Which are kind of, you know, Two sides of the same coin, really, but the rejection is more around this feeling of not being enough, not being good enough, not being what they wanted you to be. And so the rejection is more in the realm of inadequacy. You're still in the relationship. But you feel like you constantly have to work to be good enough. You're constantly escaping the criticism or escaping the. Rejection, ultimately. Whereas the fear of abandonment. Really comes from, well, actually I'm going to be left on my own. There's going to be absolutely nobody that for me, that not going to see me, they're not going to want to know me or have anything to do with me. And that's also really frightening. So we are really. Uh, fighting to escape these two vulnerabilities, the vulnerability of rejection and the vulnerability of abandonment. And so if we feel. That vulnerability is going to lead to one of those two outcomes. Why would we even be in that round? Why we, why would we even entertain that? Of course, we are going to have our emotional barriers up. And so we all going to operate in a multitude of different ways, but we're either going to be super defensive. When all that's happening is that we're seeking feedback from Al Patna. We're going to avoid certain topics. And we might even be avoiding the idea that this relationship is not working for us. We might even be avoiding the idea of, Hey, you know what? My partner keeps saying, these hurtful things to me and. I just don't know how to respond to them. So what I'm going to do instead of, at really confronting my partner and saying, Hey, is this really what you want in our relationship? Because if it is, I can't like this isn't for me, I'm out. So with this, I just want to backtrack a little bit, just to clarify from a bird's eye view, what might be going on. So on one hand. You may have a partner who is simply being kind. But they are also giving you feedback about stuff that they don't necessarily like, or they want improvement. It's not intentionally an attack on you and it's not in the aim of trying to hit you, but actually they are just wanting. TB able to build a life with you. But because emotional vulnerability feels really scary because receiving that feedback feels really, really uncomfortable. You don't know what to do with that, and you may perceive it as personal attack, then you just end up. Avoiding it entirely, or you end up defending against stat or you end up working relentlessly hard to try and meet their expectations. So that might be happening. Um, but what you're actually also doing in that moment is that you're avoiding sharing from a very innocent and truthful and authentic space. Uh, how that feedback made you feel. So it could be, Hey, I know that you said this and I really want clarity. Do you. Still love me. You still wanting us to work through things together, or are you feeling unsure about this relationship? And I'm really SCAD. Uh, you not thinking that I'm good enough. So, so if we are able to have that conversation, then we are able to get to a much healthier space. And by the way, that is one of the Praxis for emotional intimacy. The thing is, is that if your walls are so built up, that is just a no go zone. So you're avoiding that conversation. And even discovering the truth about how your partner feels. And on the other hand, If you're in a relationship that is unhealthy, that is toxic. Why it's ultimately, uh, breaking down slowly day by day because your partner is being really harmful. They are seeing really derogatory things. They are attacking the same things and doing things that are really demeaning. And it's not what partner would do to a partner. It's really fueling an unhealthy relationship if not is happening. Then it's really hard for you to confront that as well. And so you are also avoiding this idea that you might be guessing heads, that this relationship might not be healthy for you. It might not be the right one for you. You're avoiding all of that as well, because you are not willing to consider emotional vulnerability within yourself. And so you start to convince yourself that you are strong by. Plowing on by tolerating, by self-sacrificing by monitoring yourself. But this is ultimately the path that you believe that you're going down. But actually you are just maintaining and sustaining this really unhealthy dynamic. And it's so hurtful and it's so damaging as time goes on. But let's see if that's the case. Or the Fest situation is the case what's happening in both moments is that actually, you're not even willing to be emotionally intimate with yourself. You are not willing to go there in terms of. How am I really feeling, what am I really Skagit of? What do I really need to receive in this moment? What would be for my highest good for my best good now, and in the long term, what is the thing that I need right now to feel emotionally safe, to feel content, to feel held, to feel accepted, to feel loved? Like, what is that that I really need in these moments? And unfortunately that becomes very, very challenging because the walls have been built up. And. Sadly for many of us, depending on what's culture, you may have been brought into, depending on your societal background, depending on your friendship circles, depending on, you know, uh, a whole heap of, uh, different variables. But if you are somebody who has been faced with shame, For being vulnerable. Or if you have felt really guilty about the SIDA, that you're not constantly sacrificing yourself for the greater good for your partner, if you have been shamed for not constantly people pleasing. Uh, or for not bending over backwards for somebody, if you have experienced. Shame or guilt in any of these contacts. And you know, this is kind of like background information that you would have received from society, from friends, family. From the community. That also makes it incredibly hard. To become emotionally vulnerable with either yourself or your partner, because. Oh, what happens from a subconscious supple, but also from a neurological level is emotional, vulnerable ability. And shame. Become associated and it feels. Uh, like this, an automatic link. The moment that I experience vulnerability. I also massively experienced shame. The moment they experience vulnerability, I automatically feel guilty as well. And, and so they, the two become, almost merged into one. And. You know, the reason why the brain developed circuits that associate the two. Is from a survival standpoint, it's not an intelligence. Some point it's not perfect that will help us live and thrive, but it's essentially a survival mechanism. So it's really important that we become aware of these issues because. These are the problems that are really going to fuel emotional disconnect. And also cause more problems within your relationship. Okay, let's move on to how it is that we start to overcome emotional barriers and those emotional walls. So first things first, you need to build. Self awareness. And the thing that I would really recommend. Is you start off with a daily practice. If self-reflection. And so this could be, at the end of the day, I would recommend, you know, an hour or two hours before bed, but you are starting off with a practice. You've got a notebook. Pen and paper. Please use pen and paper, not your phone, not your tablet or laptop. And start writing. How you felt today? And at the start, you may be drawing blank or you may say, yeah, fine. We may say, okay. Um, you may say, Hey, I've got a donut and that made me happy. Whatever it is, but just look at that piece of paper. And even if it's a blank piece of paper, Just look at that white piece of paper, because even that is going to signify something to you. If the blank piece of paper is that, and it feels scary to look at. Then that in itself is a mirror. That emotional vulnerability or connecting to your emotions feels really scary as well. If you are drawing blank, then it also means that that is a lot of sense of numbing or a sense of disconnect. If you all saying things like fine. Please elaborate. What is fine? And really set with this really lean into this because the moment that you stop practicing, recognizing your emotions and just feeling your emotions. Then you really start to build that muscle of awareness in terms of what is going on for you internally and also psychologically. And whilst you're doing this, please be kind to yourself because if you're more geared to doing this, if your walls are super high, then. It's going to be hard and you might criticize yourself or you might feel shamed, or you might feel like you don't even need it. You might kind of reject the sax size and say, oh my goodness. You know, so stupid. Why, why am I even doing this is so simple, but you know what if it's so simple, just do it. Why wouldn't you do it right. If it's like brushing your teeth, that symbol, then. As you would brush your teeth. Why don't you start journaling? Use a couple of minutes, but I would highly recommend that you do this. Because the more, why you won't. The battery of your emotional muscle is the better chance you'll have. Of emotional intimacy and connection. Now second thing is really creating a safe space. I'm talking fiscal safety, I'm talking emotional safety. I'm talking psychological safety. And what is really needed for this is why I like to describe as a container. So if you imagine you all with your partner, And you decide, Hey, you know what? I really want to have this moment of connection, but then you're thinking, oh, how do I even go about this? Well, Let's start off by ensuring that we have a container that nothing else can come into. That is what a safe container is. I'm talking phones away. And he destructions are turned off. The kids are in bed or your out somewhere else, wherever it is. But you know that you are, have uninterrupted time with your partner. But also you are laying out the foundation of what you would want this space to look like. And let's say there is something difficult that you want to bring up with them, but you don't know how to go bounce hits. Or maybe you will SCAD, maybe you're righteous. Maybe you've been depressed. Maybe you've been really stressed. Maybe you're worried. Whatever is. But it's really laying out the foundation and the foundation. Would really signal a couple of things. So it would signal. What it is that you would need from your partner? And also what it is that you would want to feel within that conversation. So what you would need from your partner and what you would want to feel. So for example, it might be setting off the conversation by saying. I really need. For you to hear me out before you say anything else? And I really need space fee to understand what it is I'm going through. That is what it would look like in terms of communicating what it is that you would need. And then how you would once feel would be a really want to feel that you'll by my side. And I really want to feel that you've understood what I'm saying, and I really want to feel hopeful about the future. So. I'm going to repeat the, to communicate what you need and communicate how it is that you won't feel. And this can be an exercise that you do together and also that you reciprocate. So you have go in your partner then house ago. And really evaluate, how did that feel at the end of that conversation? Did I feel that little bit close out with my partner? Did I feel that sense of belonging within them? And they. I felt that sense of belonging within me. Did we really experience the emotional intimacy? If any of this has resonated with you, please do me three solids first rate the show. Second, share it with a friend because if you found it useful, I bet you that one of them will D two and third. I have got an absolutely GC free health. Quiz for you to take, which really assesses your relationship status. And also gives you guidance on things that could do a little bit of work on because we are all about improvements on this show. Until next time, take her.