Emotional Intimacy 101. Part 1: For the Emotionally Inept & Disconnected, Overcoming Trauma, and Feel Happy

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationship success tribes. So good to have you here and let's start off 2025. Early because I like to be prepared for everything. And. What that's a way to start off then to talk about how it is that we can truly build emotional intimacy. And this is the start of a five-part series. So please listen out for the next four episodes as well as this one, obviously. And I hope it serves you well. And today for part one, we all going to be talking about understanding the foundations of a deep connection. And the reason why this is even important, even though it might be like emotional intimacy, 1 0 1. Is because that are so many misinterpretations or so many mixed messages out there. And I almost feel like people entering the dating world, or if you are in a relationship or if you you're married. If you've been married for 20, 30 years. I don't think there has ever been a time where it's been so confusing. As to what's a good relationship is. I'm saying that primarily because we've had a lot of developments in research. There's been a lot of growth in social media, a lot of promotion in terms of what's good. What's toxic. What's this what's that? And it just feels really vague. So let's just get back to basics. Let's get out of the maze of confusion and let's really understand what it is that we're aiming for. So, First things first let's define what emotional intimacy is. And I hate to say this and I'm honestly not badmouthing anyone here, but men. What I found is that a lot of men really struggle with defining lists. And it's not because men are bad. It's not because men are incapable. But men have been geared to be SCAD of what this actually looks like, how allowed they are, how vulnerable they can be. Are they pushing too much? Are they pushing to you little? Are they avoiding? What, what is it that they're doing? And part of the challenge that might have struggled with is that historically there's been a lot of generational trauma. There's been a lots of issues around men, disconnecting from emotions in general, and that they just need to power through. They need to get over it. They need to man up. All of these messages. And so that in itself puts them in around why they already struggle with emotions and processing emotions, regulating emotions, and they're either see emotions as a nuisance. Or they see emotions as something that's confusing and difficult and kind of achy, but, you know, technically it's good or they kind of do it just because they believe that their partner wants it. But again, full of confusion. And it's not really coming from a genuine place. It's coming more from a mechanical place. So let's start off that. Emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy. Is really about the sense that we are feeling the same thing at the same time. It's not to say that we always have to be feeling the same thing at the same time. That's not all what I'm talking about and that's not possible. And actually, if that happens, if you are constantly feeling the same thing as your partner and vice versa, and that happens all the time. There's a good risk that you've fallen into codependency and that's not healthy. But what it emotional intimacy is is that I sometimes might feel SCAD. I'll share that fair with you and you can feel my fear, but you can also be in a different emotional space as well. Or I can share some really incredible joyful experiences and moments and events I could say, Hey, you know what? I got a promotion today and I'm so excited about it. And you feel my feeling as well in that moment. And you may have different feelings as well, but we can share those moments together and you feel what I feel in those moments whilst you're also holding something else in mind and some other emotional experience in mind. And. It's through that shad emotional experience. So we really have the sense of belonging and it's belonging. That's key, it's belonging that really supports and nurtures the relationship because I belong within you. You belong within me and we develop this psychological safety within each other, and one of useful ways to have a relationship. So it's really about this emotional sense of connection. So there's the emotional experiences that we're sharing. Like I've just described. But then there's also the emotional intimacy around the actual connection between you and I. So for example, I can really feel the sense of love from you. And you can feel the sense of love for me. I am speaking and I am acting in the form of your love language. And I'm really doing that and feeling that love at the same time, whilst you're acting in my loaf language. And you are feeling that sense of love as well. And if I was just to break this down a little bit for anyone who's not heard of. All of languages. There are five different love languages. So there's the love language of fiscal touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts quality time and acts of service and the whole purpose of the love language is we stopped when does stand, how it is that we feel like we all loved how we feel that whack had fall. And so. If my love language is. What's the information. It would be really important for me to receive it too. Even if my partner's love language is different. Even if that love language was quality time, let's say. So they need to really operate in my love language and feel love at the same time. And I also feel loved and I operate in that love language, so they feel loved and I'm also feeling love for them. So, so that's really the, you know, the cornerstone of. This sense of emotional intimacy when it comes to a connection. Um, finally, the other sign or the other category of emotional intimacy is really about how it is that we can empathize with each other and really show compassion for one another. Because I can understand what you're talking about on a, on a logical level, but I also need to be compassionate with you. I need to show kindness towards your suffering. I need to show understanding tools, your suffering, and this desire to support you. I might not be able to rescue you. And I would say rescuing is kind of teetering on dangerous territory or codependency territory. But I would say more of, I want to support you. To also be able to stand up on your own T feet so that you can support yourself as well. And I would hope that you would do the same for me. And it's really that empathy with compassion that really starts to cultivate that healthy relationship. Now. The reason why emotional intimacy is. Crucial. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is crucial for lasting connections. Is because the other stuff. Falls apart. Physical intimacy, shul one sex. It's great. The Haas grades, but sometimes it's not that consistent. And sometimes things change over time. Sometimes you'll sex drive all your partner's sex drive changes over time. And so we can't rely. On just fiscal intimacy. And we can't rely on just intellectual intimacy. We can't. Rely on. Uh, shad interests and shad hobbies. The reason why I'm saying we can't rely on intellectual in interests or shared hobbies is because these things also change over time. So I may develop new hobbies that are totally out of your realm, or I may. And to new friendships and that's okay. And you're entering different friendships as well, or, you know what we're kind of growing and we're still discovering ourselves whilst we're in this relationship together and we're growing together, but we're also growing independently. And those things are really healthy, but the thing that really brings a spot together, Is that emotional belonging that I emotionally belong in you and you emotionally belong to me. And what abuse full experienced thought is to have. But this is really what emotional intimacy is about. Now let's talk about the science behind the racial intimacy. When we all looking at the ability of somebody to have emotional intimacy with somebody we're really referring to attachment styles. And this is something that is shaped in early childhood. And ultimately we have a way of relating to other people and how we position ourselves and what we believe the other person is going to do and how they treat us. So for example, if we are anxiously attached, we might believe that we have to work really, really hard in order to be loved in order to be accepted, because we're not so sure about our self-worth. And we also fear that our partner is going to abandon us. And what happens in that moment is the emotional intimacy becomes incredibly hard. You crave it so much. But at the same time, Your body is full of quarters. All you body is full of adrenaline and you're in fight or flight mode most of the time, because you are. Fighting to be loved from a. And I'm not technical level from a neuro-psychological level. And so. When that happens, you may experience a bit of a dopamine hit when you get that little bit of approval or that bit of affection. But at the same time, it's really hard to regulate yourself. And let's say if you're avoidantly at hunched. Well, actually you believe that. The other person is at some point going to distance themselves or they're going to abandon you. And so then you disconnect. You don't want to open up Vaughn. You don't want to open up emotionally. You don't want to be leaving your cell phone honorable because. That in itself feels really daunting. Why would you, if you're ultimately going to get hurt? And so it's, it's a really, really difficult ground that you're walking on because you still need that. Psychological connection. You still need that emotional intimacy, but you are really frightened of it and you don't know how to get to it. And you also doubt that it's designed for you. But really when we all saw seeing to build that emotional intimacy. And let's say if you're anxious or if you're avoidant, or even if you're disorganized attached, which is like a combination of the anxious and avoidant, if you're any of the insecure attachment styles. Thank goodness. It is possible for you to change and you are able to develop a secure attachment style. And, you know, you can do that through therapy or coaching or, um, you know, I would, I would highly recommend that you ensure that the person is adequately qualified. But. What I would say is that in that process? When you are healing from these unhealthy attachment styles, your starting to learn the difference between dopamine and serotonin SAR. Turn-in being the steady and calm, but good feeling that you have with somebody, you start to learn what it is to feel emotionally safe with somebody. You start to recognize what are my emotions that I need to deal with and what your emotions that I should not be responsible over, but also what is that great territory where we can support each other? And when we go through all healing journey and we develop some secure attachment style, we really start to enjoy the experience of oxytocin. And we trust that. So oxytocin is one of the neurotransmitters and it really supports our ability to bond with our partner. Or even bond with our children bond with our parents, that oxytocin is really the love hormone. And it's so important because it supports our ability to develop trust with somebody to develop closest with somebody. And we can get from fiscal intimacy. But we really get that from emotional intimacy as well. So it's really when we witness our partner being in that emotional space with us and vice versa. And we feel that emotional belonging that is really when we get a healthy dose of both serotonin and oxytocin, and that's really sweet zone. That's when we feel like we can be our true, authentic selves, we can literally just. Take off all the masks and that's totally okay. It's safe. It's peaceful. It might be a bit scary, but that's okay. And we, we feel like we are really in that space of complete. Acceptance and we feel loved and thought. His health is one of the biggest reasons as to why we enter a relationship. So. Let's shift gears a little bit, and let's talk about the benefits of the emotional intimacy and why it's such an important muscle for us to practice. So I've alluded a little bit to this, but possibly is that we. Allow ourselves to really feel fulfilled in a relationship. And. Th this might seem a little bit airy fairy when I talk about it, but my God, I can't emphasize how important the says. I mean, I have seen. Sorry, many people struggle with this. I've come across our many clients they'll come in through muddle and they'll initially say something pretty vague. And they'll say like, oh yeah, you know, we just kind of baker and we're not really. As close as we used to be. And, you know, Th they almost seem a bit lossy fair about it and you know, kind of indifferent, they know it's a problem, but they don't really see the magnitude of it. And you know what? They don't see the magnitude of it because that blind to it. They've been living through emotional disconnect day in and day out. And I'll be honest with you. It's ugly. It has a toll on your physical health, on your overall mental health. How's it toll on how you perform at work? It has a toll on how you all with your family, with your children. It just has a ripple effect and people do not appreciate the magnitude of this. I mean, Uh, like look at Harvard university, they've had the longest study known to man and they have categorically identified that the quality of your relationship, which includes emotional intimacy. That has a profound impact. On your health on your physical health, but also a whole heap of other issues that would be going on within your life, including your career, including your level of income, including your children's health as well. So it is. Big. Now. When people are a bit Luxy Daisy about. Elsa or, you know, I don't know a bit indifferent about it. They don't really see it as a big deal. When they really start to develop that emotional intimacy and that emotional connection. They really take step back and I've seen this firsthand in clinic. Why they say, oh my God, I can't believe I've been missing this for 20 years. And they start grieving the 20 years that they could have had that level of emotional intimacy with that partner. But they just didn't because they didn't think it was that important. They just got busy with kids with work with. Friends with family with this and that. And you know, the busy-ness almost was like an excuse for them to not do the real work, the real work being the emotional intimacy. So I guarantee that the more you work on your emotional intimacy. It will have a profound impact. On how satisfied you are in your life. And how well you perform at wag and how happy your kids are and how good your relationships are with your kids. And by the way, When your kids become adults, how good that relationships become as well with that future partners. So it's absolutely crucial. Now let's talk about just general emotional wellbeing. So the more that you aren't emotionally connected with your partner and you have that emotional intimacy with them where you're doing as well in the background is that you're really building up the skill of emotional processing, emotional resilience. And emotional fitness. So ultimately what you're doing is you are really investing in your emotional bank. And so when things hit you out of left field, there's a problem at work or there's something going on with your friend or family or whatever it might be when. Uh, life stressor comes about because inevitably, you know, life is filled with ups and downs. You all far more equipped because you have built up your resources in your emotional bank and you can withdraw. You've deposited so much that you can withdraw from that bank account and you can really. Liv thought life that you're wanting to live, you are really able to manage difficult situations, a heck of a lot better. And you're really able to see any kind of challenge that comes your way as opportunities to me forward. And finally. When you are in this space of deep, emotional intimacy and emotional connection. I guarantee I absolutely guarantee. Vance. One of two things are going to happen when it comes to disagreements with your partner. Number one. You. Enter. Uh, disagreement, but actually you exit the disagreement way faster than what you would have ever done. And so the disagreement. Uh, actually, instead of it lasting for an hour, it goes on for about a minute. And then you look at each other and then you laugh because you realize how ridiculous it is or. Two. You have disagreements, but it never escalates into an argument. It is what it is. And actually you can objectify the problem. So. You know, sometimes when couples on chirp. Entry disagreements or arguments or conflict. Between the lines, the feeling is I that I'm the problem or you're the problem. And if that's the case, then I enter into defense or I enter attack mode. And it just becomes really unhealthy. And the reality is that when there's a conflict, Nothing you all a problem. Neither your partner is the problem, but aren't she, the problem is the problem. We need to objectify the problem. And when you've got that emotional connection and that emotional intimacy, you can very easily. Objets find the problem. And so then you realize that you're on the same team. And that's great because you can look at the issue and really find a way to gather to me forward with that. It's if anything in this episode has resonated with you. Please. Like, and subscribe to this podcast because it means the entire well TIMI. And if you found it useful, why not share it with a friend because I bet you that they will find it useful too. And finally. If you are interested, I have got a free quiz on it. Your relationship health down in the show notes below. So hit the link and take the quiz. Why not have a bit of fun with that and let me know how you get on until the next time. Take care.