"Cheating Saved Our Marriage": Growth & Healing. Part 1.

Develop emotional maturity, heal anxious attachment, become resilient, emotional fitness, survive infidelity, heal trauma bonding, rebuild trust, improve communication.
 
 Get marriage counselling near you in person or online, sign up to one of Dr Sarah's luxury retreats, and continue your path to success.
 
 

www.relationshipsuccesslab.com

 Sign up to the exclusive retreat: www.relationshipsuccesslab.com/retreat
 
 
Contact: info@relationshipsuccesslab.com

 LinkedIn: Dr Sarah (Alsawy) Davies

 Instagram handle: @dr.sarahalsawy
 
 

Find resources on: https://www.relationshipsuccesslab.com/relationship-quiz

Transcript

0:04

Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Today's episode was very much inspired by a couple who I have been working with. And this couple married. Hot been married for just shy of 30 years. So along time, And. There was an incident. In fact, those in affair. The affair was excruciating for the wife. When she found out her husband was hung in a fight and he was hung in a fire for quite some time. And the reason why I am recording this episode is because. The affair, the cheating actually saved their marriage. It saved their relationship. And for so many people. Uh, FAS and fidelity. Instances of betrayal. Can actually result in the strengthening of your relationship and the strengthening of your marriage. So for anyone who has experienced something similar to this, whether you are somebody who has been cheated on, or whether you are the person who committed the act. If there is a willingness, if there is a commitment. If that is the ultimate desire. Uh, fixing things and making sure that this relationship works. It is. Absolutely possible. You just need to know how and why you also need to know. The way in which this effect can actually make your relationship a hell of a lot stronger. And I hack of a lot better. Than it ever has been, because that is absolutely possible. And this is also just to dispel any myths from people or messages that you may have heard about once a cheater, always a cheeser, because that is absolutely not the case. It doesn't have to be the case. But there are very specific conditions. For the relationship to really survive and thrive for it to actually grow and improve. Now, I'm not saying that. As an easy journey. And. I really sincerely hope that anyone listening TDS is not thinking that I am minimizing the pain around infidelity or around the affair is his excruciating is absolutely horrendous. It is. Perhaps one of the most painful things that we can go through as a human being, because it makes us question our own worth. It makes us question. Our own. Being our own existence. It is so painful and I've been on that side as well. Uh, historically, so, so no, I get it. It is painful, but the reason why I'm recording this. Is with absolute compassion. For people who want to improve for people who wants to fix their relationship. And who actually wants to potentially use this as a turning point to make things better. And let's backtrack, klutz. Start where this all begins now. That is unfortunately this misconception in society that cheating can sometimes happen quite randomly. It can happen quite suddenly. It can happen quite impulsively. I would argue that is not the case. And a lot of scientific research would show that cheating is truly a slow development. And what I mean by this, it's a slow development of the primary relationship. So you and your partner. That is a slow uncoupling or there's a slow detachment. There's a slow disconnect. Where I feel more and more distant from you. I feel like you're pulling away. I feel like you're busy with other stuff. I feel like other priorities have gotten in the way. But ultimately life happens. And I I'm not as involved in your life and vice versa. That is all of a sudden this distance is disconnect. And within that. Many questions get formed. So, for example, if you are spending more time at work or if you're spending more time with your friends, or if you're doing other stuff, Then I might start questioning well, how much you were parse yet. Um, I T U. But I can also then start to consider, well, there's a lot of distance. Aren't you feel really lonely here. I, um, on my own. Doing things for our household, doing things for our family, doing X, Y, and Z, whatever it might be. But I still feel lonely. I'm married, but I'm lonely. And. This is the slow progression of the loneliness, but sometimes it's really hard to broach the loneliness because I might say, Hey, you know what? I feel really lonely. Let's make sure that we do date night or let's go away for a weekend. And we do these things. But. It's okay. Just for the date night, just for the weekend. And come around Monday. Things just go back to how they were that disconnect. So the emotional connection is not on a daily basis. Actually, the thing that is more present is the fact that we are disconnected. And so the moments of emotional connection just gets fewer and fewer and fewer. And so this occurs over time when there is more distance. And at some point. I'm waiting then how fat desire and won't have that question of, well, can I possibly be loved? Can I possibly have attention? And I might not necessarily be seeking it out. But I might go about my day and then all of a sudden I see that there's somebody else out there who is giving me a lot of attention. Or they are praising me in a particular way. They are giving me words of affirmation. They are complementing me. They are saying that I am inspirational, that I'm intelligent, that whatever it might be. And all of a sudden, I think, Ooh, that feels really nice because I've not been getting that very much at home. And I feel disconnected, like, sure. I love my partner, but I'm really missing this thing. I'm really missing that bit of attention. That bits. Uh, validation. Of who I am. Now, I just want to side note here and say, I'm not a tall justifying cheating. If this resonates with anybody, I'm not at all saying, Hey. Uh, they cheated because you weren't giving them enough attention and therefore it is your fault. Like the person who's been betrayed. That is not at all what I'm saying. But what I am saying is that often what happens in the person's mind, the person who ends up committing the cheating is that. They see the thing that they've been missing in someone else, or they believe that it is possible to have it with somebody else. They believe that the grass is greener Al SWAT. But I tell you this now the grass is only greener. Wherever it is that you water it. And unfortunately, with a lot of people who end up cheating to any degree. So whether that be a one night stand, whether that'd be a full-blown afar, The reason why the cheating happens. Is not to, because this third person is any batter. Not at all. It is simply a representation that there is something wrong between you and I, and I don't know how to resolve this problem. And therefore I go to this third person. And I'm seeing this third person with rose tinted glasses. I'm con convincing myself that they are incredible. Um, but what I'm actually doing is I'm only seeing a very skewed parts of them. I'm only seeing a very small proportion of them. Where they are giving me that attention. And that's the thing that I've fallen in love with. I don't fall in love with the entire being the third person. I'm just in love with the idea of guessing that tension. And it just happened to be mapped out onto this person. And that's the thing that I'm really attracted to. That's the thing that I'm craving. And so that's the thing that I'm going for. And then after a while it's safe, it's a long-term affair with this individual. I might then start to kind of rationalize it and be like, oh yeah, but this person is really funny and they're this and they're that. And. Um, I'm kind of clutching at straws actually at that stage. And I use various different characteristics of that to justify why I may potentially see this with them. But I don't achieve look at them as either. Fully. I rally ended up looking at their not so good qualities. But what I'm doing is that I am trying to curate something in my mind where I feel like it's been missing elsewhere or missing in my main relationship. And so why don't she happens is I end up doing this really negative comparison. So let's say with the couple that I've mentioned for that I was working with. So the husband. What he was doing was that he was seeing this woman that he ended up having an affair where he was seeing. As somebody who is more nurturing towards children, because she had kids of her own from separate relationships, she had kids of her own and she was very, very nurturing. And so he kept saying how incredible that would be. But then he was looking at his wife and his wife was also very attentive to that children, but his wife also ran a business and she was busy and she had various different projects going on. And she was sometimes at work sometimes at home, but she, you know, she was trying to balance it all and she was present emotionally, but she was also a financial provider. She had a lot on her plate. And for him, he questioned in terms of how much of a party he was in her life. But he kind of struggled in this balance of, Hey, this person's really nurturing this third person, the person he had an affair with, even though he could also see that his wife was. Nurturing. So logically he could see that. But emotionally, it was almost like he started to dilute himself into thinking that this other person. Was somehow better. But she really wasn't. All that was going on was that he started to make these negative comparisons that hate this person. The third person is much more available. Then my current partner. They are much more nurturing than my current partner. They are this, they are that even though that's not actually the case, the only reason why they bump up this third person and they start making these native comparisons. Is because they believe that this person. Has given them the thing that they've been craving for. So that bit of attention. Or that bit of validation. And so it's really important that we understand where this all begins. I don't know. I've kind of been talking about the story little while, but. For us to really grow from such a huge, painful, detrimental experience from such a huge rupture. We really need to understand the fact that this isn't something that just happened overnight. But the reason why the affair happens is because whatever it was that I saw in this third person and this other person who I ended up with. It's not actually them. But it's a representation that there was something wrong between you and I, and it's been wrong for a while. I tried to potentially to bring it up. I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't know how to resolve it. And the only way that I felt like I could get the Snead mat was through someone else, but ultimately I wasn't actually getting my needs met through this person. I was just all me still leading myself. Like I was. And so. That's the thing. This is the points. If you are committed. If you are wanting to work together, if you are really wanting to fix this rupture and make your relationship far better than it ever had been before this. Before this AFAB before this. Uh, rupture before this betrayal. That is what you need to understand. So first off the person who was betrayed. They need. To have the grace of going through the pain. They need to have the grace of expressing any. Anger. Any frustration, any hatred, any, anything that's going on for them? Around this situation because it is painful. They need to have that space. And the partner who's done the betrayal. Myths to give them all the patients in the world. They need to be the person who always sits there and takes her. Right? Like they, they actually, uh, they allow the repercussions to occur. Because they are giving their partner, the person who's been betrayed. Who is injured, they're giving them the space to do and to say, and to feel whatever is needed. But when that process actually happens. And when things have started settling down and I would definitely recommend that you have mediator. So for instance, if you've got a clinician or a professional or a therapist or a coach, but, but you definitely need somebody to be a mediator in this process. So that. It's also contained. The point of growth really starts when you both start considering where did this relationship start breaking down? At what point? Did we start feeling that distance? At what point did we start disconnecting from one another? Because sure there was this person that the fire happened with. But if you and I are committed, we also need to understand, well, actually, if the effect could have possibly entered into either one of our realms, like if it could have even been something that was unstained. Then it means that I was not important enough in your mind or maybe I was, but you also saw that it couldn't happen. This relationship had some kind of problem that just meant that this other person was convenient. So we need to go back to the beginning of when did we start disconnecting? When did we stop feeling like we were growing apart? And how is it that we can really start to reconnect? So first point. One is it that we started to disconnect and feel distant and detached. Second point is. What is needed for us to reconnect. And also how we both willing. To reconnect regardless of how long it'll take, because by the way, when you are in the process of building up trust, It will take time. You will have to create emotional safety. You will become vulnerable. That is so much that happens psychologically. That you are needing ample time to be able to build that up. So that's one thing. But also. What would it mean to both of us? If we were able to parrot, is it worth it? Are we both really wanting the outcome. Are we really both wanting that greater purpose for us to really be better than we ever had been before? And what would that look like? And, you know, sometimes with certain couples, they may not necessarily know what the end goal is, or they might not necessarily know what the castle in the sky idea looks like for them. And that's absolutely fine. But. They're willing to give it a shot. And they want to know within themselves that actually they did the best that they possibly could have done in order to achieve that. Got that relationship. What it is that they set out for when they first got married or when they first got together. And, you know, they meet that commitments one another. That's the thing that's really important. So. After that. It's also important to then start considering, well, what was it? That was projected onto this other person. What was it that where there's an issue between us that you felt like you either could not bring up? Or you did bring up and then Wilson and answer there wasn't a solution. What was it? That was projected out onto this other person. And. Can you see it between us? So for example, if it was the attention. Then. Okay, great. Let's talk about that. So this other person gave you attention, but do you not see attention between us? At what moments do you feel like I've given you attention? And how does it feel in those moments that you've gotten attention? What type of attention would you like? How often would that be? But also, what is it that you would do for me? So, in what ways have you tried getting attention from me or in what ways have you given me attention? Because the onus is not on the person who has been betrayed, but actually the onus is also on the person who has done the betrayal. So it's really starting to ask them. Well, actually, what is it that you did to try and fix or repair, or even just approach this problem? Before the affair happened. Even if the affair was happening, what is it that you tried to do to try and fix this issue? So if it is a matter of attention, When did you bring it up? How did you bring it up? Did you even bring it up? And if you did, or how did I respond? And. Could you brought it up again, if, for example, I didn't hear you, or if I was busy or if something else happened, but also if you're asking for attention, well, at what point did you show me that attention, that attention that you were really wanting to have for yourself? From me. Because the more that we start to understand that, then we are really starting to create a NATS. Wow. We can also stop. Considering, well, how could I have possibly known that this was an issue? If you never brought up to me? There's you know, often want to fast. Happen, the person who has been betrayed. They have absolutely no idea. Or maybe sometimes they have an inkling, but you know, they trust their partner and they almost turn a blind eye to certain signs. You know, whatever it might be, but. The thing is, is that if that partner. Was not attentive enough or wasn't present enough or, you know, whatever it might be. For what it is that you wanted? Well, how could they have been, how could they have been? Because there were no signs. There was nothing that you'd expressed to them in order for them to take on board in order for them to consider, okay, well, this is an issue. And so how is it that we can emotionally reconnect? How is it that we can spend more time together? And, you know, let's say with this couple. Well, actually the woman that was talking about. She was working so, so hard. And she absolutely loved her business and she loved her children and she loved her husband and she wants it. That's finally. But she also wanted to make something of herself. She spent years working really hard on our business. Um, why wouldn't she, why could she not have dance? Which made absolute sense. But at the same time, He was in a space where he was craving a life. He was craving her to be present for him. And she wants it to be present for him. She wanted him to be present for her. And that's the funny thing is that when these affairs happen, Often the person who does the portrayal. Feels like they're missing something in the relationship, but I guarantee that the person who is being betrayed. They are also missing that same thing. So if it was emotional connection that the person, the betrayer is missing, the person who's been betrayed, they're missing emotional connection as well. If it's physical intimacy, a guarantee that both people are missing fiscal intimacy, if it's intellectual intimacy, I guarantee both people are missing that. So the res. A mirror of what it is that's being missed, but the only way that we can really resolve it is that it is approached. And this is how the affair or the cheating actually strengthens the relationship because then. You start to really dig deep. And by the way, the digging is hard because the person who did the cheating, they have to be a hundred percent transparent. That is absolutely no room for hiding. The person who did the cheating. They have to be a hundred percent transparent about what it is that they saw in this other person or what they believe they saw in this other person that they were missing at home. And actually, when is it that they took on that responsibility? To approach it with that partner because I guarantee. That they didn't approach it. Or there may have approached it, but they approached it subtly and they kind of started to back away and maybe they were frightened. Maybe they were worried about what the response is. But I guarantee that is no room for that kind of fear, because actually if you're in that space where your. Wanting to approach something, but you're also a bit SCAD and you don't know how to do it. All that fear is going to do is hold you back from your ultimate truth from your partner's truth. Neither of you are consenting to this relationship anymore because actually there's a mask that you're wearing. Your partner is oblivious to the mask. And you go off and you find it somewhere else. And even then, it's not really the thing that you were looking for. It's just somebody with some good qualities, some not so good qualities. And you know, you just kind of mapped out or you projected the thing that you were craving on this person, but it doesn't actually resolve anything. It does not get you any closer to happiness. All it does. Is that it just maintains that disconnects from your primary relationship and you and your partner. Are more and more distance and the longer it happens. The more disconnected you are and the more psychologically detrimental it. As well fuel wellbeing, because not only are you dealing with the emotional disconnect from your partner, who is chances, all they all very loyalty. But you are also dealing with. The anxieties. That's all created within the effect. Because you're essentially trying to please two people simultaneously, and I bet you pleasing nobody. And also that includes yourself. If anything in this episode has resonated with you, please do meet three favors, hit the follow button and rate the show. Second. If you find this episode. Interesting. I bet you that one of your friends will do too. So please share it with your friends and family. And finally, why don't you go ahead and take my free relationship health. It has got a ton of advice for you with regards to what it is that you might be doing really well in your relationship, but also what areas you might want improving. And why not? It's absolutely free. And until next time, take care.