Making Your Relationship Stronger: Building Trust After Cheating Part 2.

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationships, success tribes. So good to have you back. Because this is a continuation of how you can have. An amazing relationship despite betrayal. So, this is really about the recovery process is about the healing. And just to mention, I am not at all minimizing how excruciating being betrayed is. I'm not as whore minimizing the pain around cheating because it is. Arguably one of the hardest things that we would ever experience. From an emotional standpoint. From a psychological standpoint, from a mental standpoint. It is painful. Because the moment that we've been betrayed, we feel like. Our worth plummets. We question everything about life. We questioned the entire relationship. And what it meant for us, what it meant for our partner. And it makes us enter this void, this really dark, uh, Bess, Y. We all just asking question after question. So I'm not as hor minimizing the pain around it. But. This is really about the cup hole. Who have struggled with an issue of betrayal with an issue of infidelity. Uh, FAS cheating. And how it is that you are able to overcome it. That is only if you choose to overcome it. And only if you all committed. To overcoming it. Now, of course, if you all wanting to end the relationship there and then, then that's absolutely fine. And that's your choice. But if you listen to part one, which was really sussed week, you are also going to realize that. A lot of couples who end up in a situation where there is betrayal. It didn't happen overnight. It was actually a slow buildup. To the situation of betrayal. And that's because there were assessing problems that were growing. They went, talked about, they were swept into the rogue. And these challenges ended up being projected out as solutions on to other people. I E the third person, the person who we ended up having an affair with infidelity with that kind of thing. But actually it's never about that third person. It is never, the third person is better than you, or somehow has something more to offer that is never the case. All it is, is a very skewed perception that this other person somehow has an answer or something better. Compared to my current partner or in my relationships, somehow this third person. Doesn't have the problem that I am seeing in my relationship. But actually it's not say that this person's better not so it's hall. We really need to identify where did this come from? When did this problem actually start to initiate? This thing about distance and disconnect. Where did that distance grow from? And how is it that we can really repair this rope chap? So if you've not listened to part one of this, I would highly recommend the ed. So, so that's the episode that was last week. And this time we all going to be talking about the specific steps that would need to be taken between a couple. Why infidelity has been an issue. Why the husband betrayal, the husband cheating. It's incredibly painful. And actually, how is it that you could potentially set yourself up for an even Basso relationship? Then you had before. So let's begin. Step one. The person who has betrayed the person who did the cheating. They need to absolutely categorically without any shadow of a doubt. Accept responsibility. They need to accept that it is their fault. And if you've been listening to me for a while, you know that I'm not about finger pointing and blaming because I just, I think that that is a whole. Void that we can enter and navigate OutServe. And if you are constantly blaming, then you are constantly a victim. So that's, that's not what I'm suggesting, but why I'm suggesting is. That the person who did the act of betrayal, they need to own up. They need to accept full responsibility. And it is that fault for causing such amount of pain to that partner. And here's the thing. They may say, well, you know what? It was never my intention to hurt my partner to that level. But I don't cat. Intention is very different to impact the intention we'll get to in a second. And, you know, we'll get to the issue in terms of why it is the betrayal occurred, which, which would reflect intention. But actually we really need to appreciate the impact. Of the damage that's caused. And it's almost as if you've built a house with your partner, your partner is sitting in this house. This must Farkle house, by the way. And you have just gotten a detonator when they find out that you have been unfaithful and they feel like their entire world or entire life comes crumbling down and you have to admit. The level of damage and the level of pain that you have caused. And with that. You also have to set and tolerate the repercussions. So many couples when I've worked with them and the issue of infidelity comes out. That is a lot of frustration and sustainably. There is a lot of anger. There's lots of irritability. There's a lot of. Uh, resentment. And. It needs to play out that way, the person who has been hurt. Needs to be able to both feel those things. And to express those things. Completely unfiltered. They need to be able to do that because they need to be witnessed. And the only way that they can be witnessed is when they witness themselves. Well, I mean by that is they are allowed to feel their own feelings. Of course, their odds field, Vartan feelings. It's not just all about minimizing. It's not all about, oh, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was just a one night thing. Or it was just like, whoever it worked like it's we are not talking our way out of this. We are not minimizing this. We are not. Uh, making it seem, not that meaningful or not like impactful. That's not all what we're doing, what we are doing. Is, we are giving that person who's been hurt. All permission. To feel, whatever is it that feeling express, however it is that they want to express it. And that might go on for awhile. Um, that might be really hard for both people obviously, but it also might be really hard for the other person to sit there and take it. And I'm saying that quite bluntly, because this process can go on for weeks, for months. Like it can go on for a long time and therefore it is up to you to be patient with that process. And you know what, sometimes. It is excruciating. And I've seen many people why they kind of say, oh, what are we going to get over this? And they get really frustrated because they understand it. They get it, that that partner is Hertz and they just want to get to the next phase because. They are wanting to make a man's. But what I would say is that if you're trying to rush your partner out of the process, Even though it might seem like it's taken a long time. Actually, what you're doing that is you are accidentally and inadvertently and very quietly. Minimizing that pain. And that own witnessing of their own pain. So it's important that they witness it. And that they are able to grieve what it is that they believed was going on in the relationship, because they are going through an immense grief in that moment. So why would heavily recommend is if you all going through this, please, please, please do have somebody who can mediate. I'm not talking about friend, I'm not talking about family member. I'm not talking about somebody who you both know, because that is always conflict of interest. And you don't want to get all the people who are already in your life involved in this. But actually what you're needing to do is get to a professional, somebody. Not anybody, not any counselor, not any therapist, but you are needing somebody who is specifically trained in these matters because the number of I swear to God, the number of times I've had couples coming to me after they've been to other therapists and they felt like therapy just kind of got out of hand that they were screaming and yelling at each other in session and it couldn't be contained. They couldn't navigate it. And they'd just find it more useless than beneficial. That's when the therapist's no disrespect to any therapists out loud, by the way. But like, but that's one of the therapists has not been specifically trained or equipped or geared or experienced in this field. So please get somebody who is. Adequately trained for what it is that you're looking for. So that's the first thing. Okay. So number one. You need to accept responsibility that it is your fault. You have to tolerate it. You have to be patient weigh out the process and have somebody who can, who can mediate this process. And with this number two. You are needing to be fully honest, full transparency. That is no room to hide. Anything whatsoever. If you are hiding something. I guarantee that the emotional disconnect, the distance, the problem that you're experiencing beforehand, that led up to this issue. That will come bleeding out. And you will either. Maintain an emotional disconnect between you two or the disconnect will happen later on, or infidelity will happen again sometime down the future. And if that's the case, if you're not willing to be a hundred percent transparent now, I will say. That is not much point of you continuing this process of trying to repair the relationship. So if you really all committed. To making things better. You better be honest right now. Fully having everything out. Becayse it's hurtful. So rightie, hurtful. And your partner is already imagining all of these different scenarios, all of these different things. And it is better for them to know with certainty, what was going on or what has happened. As opposed to just leaving them in the dark and leaving them guessing they need to have absolute transparency and they deserve that they a hundred percent is over. Okay. Number. Three. This is really an issue of time because the person who has done the betrayal. They may say, oh, when are we going to get over this? When are we able to move on to the next phase? And I really want to make this work. And can you not trust me now? Like I'm changing, I'm working really hard to change. I have turned up from work on time at home every single day I have called you. When I've said that I was going to call you, I have done this. You've seen through my phone. You've. You know, That kind of saying, you know why I am doing all the things that you're asking me to do. And I've been doing this for a month now. The new and the students now been doing this for the get off my back. Right. And so the actually starts to get a bit irritated after a while because they still feel like they're under the microscope that they're still investigated. And you know, what for the person who's been hurt. It makes sense because what's happened. Let's say if we're talking about an attachment style or a bond or a connection, what happens is that there's been a huge betrayal. Particularly within a relationship. Y we expected some level of trust. We expected. That's our vulnerability. And our entire being would be held safely with this other human being. Like we have literally given our life to this other person to hold. And to make sure that we are okay, despite our vulnerabilities, that that's essentially what we've done. During the commitment. And so if not person. Has completely eliminated our sense of safety with them. How could we possibly feel safe? How could we possibly allow ourselves to shout that little bit of vulnerability? Like we just can't because we don't feel safe. We don't feel like we can trust this person. All of that. That we have built previously has been wiped out. And so we are essentially having to build the foundation upwards again. And that will take time. And so for us to be able to develop that sense of safety and that sense of trust, we all going to have to spend. Longer. Building. Uh, consistent, reliable actions. That reflect that change. So for example, just for the fact that you have, um, tend to put home exactly five 30. Every single evening from work. And you've done this for the past month. One previously, you know, you may have turned up late or whatever it is. But with that, like, sure. That's great. Keep doing that. Keep doing that a month does not suffice because you've built a relationship. Let's say over the past 10 years, 20 years. And you've had this instance of betrayal. It's been excruciating. And then now you you'll giving them a month of evidence. Come on. We need a bit more than that. We need like six months. Right. And it's really through time that we are able to then start rebuilding that trust in that sense of safety. And so this is, this has to be. Uh, global experience of observing behaviors. So what I mean by that is. It's about. Doing what it is that your. Saying that you're going to do. It's about always being transparent about what it is that you're thinking. How is that you're feeling it's about being totally open and. Forward about your intentions around certain things or what you might do throughout the day. It's about how much you're holding that person in mind. It's about expressing. Your love language, well valve language to them. So it's really about this. Continuous attempt of connection. As well as this continuance, evidence of how it is that you act. So, for example, when you are out together, how is it that you behave, even if you're out on your own, how is it that you behave? How is it that you are with your friends? How are things shifting? And it's the accumulation of all of these behaviors and these actions and these changes. If they are in line with something that I believe is healthy for my relationship with somebody then great. Because that will be the foundation that will cultivate that sense of trust. Unsafety. So we, aren't definitely needing time. Okay. Number four. It is about achievements. So what I mean about achievement is that as time goes on, aren't you all doing the things that you've been asked to do, or that will be important for you to ensure security and reliability, consistency. You're doing exactly what it is that you say that you're going to do. We're then starting to move into this level of achievement, which, which essentially means I am emotionally tuned in to how does it you'll feeling how it is that you're thinking. And if I'm not. I notice that I'm not. And so that's what I'm trying to tune into how you are feeling and what it is that you're thinking. And so by that process of attunement, I am constantly trying to approach you. I am just trying to take that little step forward and I've seen how you all. And whilst I'm doing that, I'm really holding you in mind. So even if. I'm not with you all day, even if I'm at work and you're at work. You're still existing somewhere in my mind. And so I might message you throughout the day saying, you know what I'm really thinking about you. And I just want to let you know that I really love you, and I want to make this work. Or it might be. Your, um, sitting at your. Task and you see. Something that reminds you of your early dating days. And so you send over a picture and you know, that that thing is going to meet your partner smile. But, but it's really about these things. Why you're tuning into what it is that's going on for them. Based on context and you are also really holding them in mind throughout the day and throughout the weeks, obviously. And with this. You are really also sharing your vulnerabilities with them. And so. One of the biggest issues that happens is when there is this question of infidelity or when there is, you know, I control infidelity or affairs that are going on. Uh, there's this emotional disconnect that has kind of led up to this issue, but that is also this emotional distancing. And this withholding of emotions with holding a thoughts with holding of needs. With holding of wounds. All of these things are withheld. And the reason why they withheld is because the somehow projected onto someone else, the third person. And that they have the answers. Or someone else out there might have the answers, even if the other person doesn't exist. And it's almost like an, a theory will AFAB. Fab, but that can also happen. And so. Well, it's really impulsive is that we actually take the step forward to recognize when we have been emotionally blocked off. And how is it? We can take a step forward and really expressing our emotions and really leaning into them. And inviting the other person into our world. Now, the process I'm talking about is actually really important for both people, for the person who has betrayed. On the person who has felt the consequences of the betrayal. chief things, um, are these two people really do need to be able to go through this process, but of course the timelines of both may be different. And so it may be the fact that the person who committed the act. They are expressing a bit more to begin with because they are the one who has to take responsibility and they have to work harder in order to get that. And the person who has been injured. They may take a little bit of time to get that in terms of expressing vulnerability, because there will be a lot of frustration and sadness. And the anxiety and fear and anger that they going to be bottling with a whole heap of other emotions, including grief. That they will take a lot longer to get to that stage of emotional vulnerability and feeling safe enough to express that vulnerability. Okay, moving on. We aren't talking at bounce, sharing your. Love method with your partner. What I mean by that is that we all have love languages. And what's really important is that we start expressing. The love language of our partner, how our partner feels love. So for example, my partner may feel really loved when they are getting words of affirmation. So they may really feel loved when I say to them, I'm really proud of you. And I may feel loved. If I I'm guessing fiscal touch, right. If I'm having my hands held, if I'm guessing that hug, and it's really important to tune into this because as time goes on and when the safety has been built, when we have developed achievements and we're really understanding each other's emotions and vulnerabilities, It's really important that we start thinking, okay, so how are we going to build up, how are we going to improve from this situation? And. If you're both committed and you're wanting the relationship to be better than what it was before you better start working on your love languages and really communicating and conveying love in your partner's received love language. So I don't just. Yeah, communicate love. In the way that I feel loved, but actually in the way that my partner feels loved. So I would have to express words of affirmation and the example I just gave before. And it's actually really important for both parties to be able to do this now for the person who has felt the injury of the betrayal. They may struggle again to get that. So they may require a bit more time because they are conflicted with the sunset. I love you, but I'm so. Upset with you. And how do I make these to co-exist right. And so in this. They can co-exist by the way. In terms of loving somebody and being really upset with them, but it's also navigating these moments of how is it that I can still express love whilst I'm also expressing. Anger or sadness because of what's happened. And how is it that I can move past the sadness, but, you know, part of it is also going to be about me receiving that love language. So more often than not. It will have to be the Fest step taken by the person who did the betrayal. And the more that they are able to express that love language that I would feel loved. And the more that I can then start to receive that and start to acknowledge. Maybe. They do sincerely love me. And this was an era and it's a reflection of a bigger problem that was between us. And this is something that I want to work on. And this is something that they're showing me commitment that they are wanting to work on as well. But as I'm talking here, please do bear in mind. This issue of time. Okay, moving on. When we all in the situation while we are expressing all of languages and, but we all still bottling with some of the past creeping in. It's about how we start to acknowledge this. Conflict or this dichotomy. So I love you on them, upset with you. I love you. And I'm still resentful. How do we navigate that? And the most intelligent way of navigating it, not the most easiest way, but the most intelligent way of navigating it. Is actually turning towards your partner. When you are in those moments of resentment. So. I sincerely believe that when an issue comes up, you hit send. Now you communicate it, you convey it right there in that. Okay. So sometimes it may be a bit difficult because you're around other people or whatever it might be. You don't have that privacy, but the moment that you can, you immediately. Express it, you immediately hit Sund. Because when that issue has occurred. And, you know, it might be a reflection of the past. So let's say six months down the line. And you are feeling you noticing yourself feeling really upset and really disturbed or really anxious and really fearful. You can convey that right there in that. And you say, you know what? I know that this fire happened six months ago, but I'm really upset and I'm really anxious. And that is the time when you stop paying attention to what it is that you sincerely fair. So it might be that you sincerely fear that it will happen again, or you might sincerely fair that they are going to abandon you just full stop. Or that you are not enough for them or that you want to love them, but at the same time, you're not sure how you can get over it. Right. So, so whatever it is, that's going on for you right there in the end. That is when you express it because when you do and when you tend towards them, Around these issues, your in the process own learning the past negative pattern that led you to this place in the first place. The reason why the affair happened. Like I mentioned, in part one of the recording. Is that. It didn't happen overnight. But actually there was a slow progress that's then said, Hey, the afar is the answer, or that's kind of the easy exit. That's the way out. And it's actually stemming from this issue of emotional disconnect and distance. And that was the thing that was really challenging. So when you all. In this position. And you don't know what to do. And you've got these conflicting feelings, these mixed emotions, these confused experiences within the relationship, you need to start expressing them now because it was emotional distance that led to the problem that led to the afar. And so the only way that you can combat distance is approach. And so you have to bridge the gap and you might not necessarily know where it's going to go. And it might be a scary conversation. Might be a hard conversation, but my God. Don't you deserve it. Don't you deserve knowing that you can say whatever is that you're going through. However it is that you feel, and to be held in mind and to be maintained. With safety don't you deserve that? Don't you deserve a relationship where you feel like you can approach and by the way, I've worked with many people in a situation and they say, yeah, but I'm really scared. What if they actually do leave me one? I'm expressing these things. And I say to them, well, you know what? You've got your answer. Haven't you. Because you still do deserve closeness. You still do deserve a relationship where you can express what's going on for you unfiltered. You deserve a chance. And if the person isn't willing to give you that space, or isn't willing to accept that. Then. That in itself is your answer that they're not the person for you because you still deserve that ideal relationship. And when I say ideal, I don't mean like, you know, it's castles in the sky because any relationship has its challenges, but you deserve that. You deserve to be able to be honest and authentically yourself in a relationship. So our, the way. You're either going to get the thing that you wanted. In this relationship, I either closeness that connection because you're expressing whatever it is that you going through. And he's turning towards your partner. And by the way, it gives them an opportunity to understand you and to empathize with you and to really reassure you. So on the other side, they really have that opportunity to gain closeness and to really hold you so that you can also feel held and you can see, okay. Yes, we are making progress. And I do feel like they care about me and they are responding to me every time I'm saying that I feel unsafe. They are trying to give me that sense of safety. So it gives. Um, the opportunity as well, by the way, because if you are committed to working this together, They're going to have to have those opportunities, right? That's the only way it's going to work. But. Let's talk about it. What if they didn't. Well, if they didn't then. You didn't get the thing that you wanted in terms of the closeness with them. But you got the lesson that you need it. I E. You need to be able to be authentically yourself in a relationship. And to be able to express your emotions. Without judgment without criticism without being shut down. And so you're free to pursue them. And isn't that important? And I would really urge you to think about this, right. And. And of course, this isn't necessarily something for you to do on your own because these are really big decisions and big things to consider. So please do seek out professional. And if you are needing any guidance or any support, my contact details are in the show notes below. So feel free to reach out. And I've also got to am. There's an amazing wellness retreat that is going to be hosted in Bali later on this year. So if you are interested, if you are interested in a reset and really. Connecting to what's important to you. I highly recommend that you have looked at. But. That's really what we're needing when it comes to relationship. And. Moving on. Let's say your partner is attending to you. Any expression that you're having any conflict of emotions? And they're giving you that sense of safety. We then start to move into problem solving. Because the thing is, is that with any relationship. That will be problem-solved comic. That you'll come across and some problems. Fundamentally cannot be solved. But there are some problems that can be solved, so solve what you can solve. So let's talk through an example. Let's say. If there is something that's a bit challenging. So it might be that, oh, your parents in law. Just really struggling with your parents. Some more. Now it's a very difficult solution, right? Because. You would not be able to change your parents. Your parents are who they are. Right. You might be able to adjust how often you see them or the types of contacts that you have or what the contacts looked like. But you're not going to change the people that they are. Right. And, uh, I mean, I know that the spirit of a trivial example, but the, but the reason why I'm bringing this up is because when we are repairing something like infidelity, when we're trying to move forward from it, All of these problems that are external to the relationship, or let's say the surrounding the relationship and you choose as a couple you're in the middle. And all of a sudden there are a whole heap of things around you. It's the compounding effect of all of these different things around you. That has led to the emotional disconnect, to the emotional distance, to the kind of discomfort or minute resentments towards each other. And that's the thing that led to the problem. That's the thing that led to the betrayal. Right. So it's also important for you to look at contextually. Well, is that anything. Even if it seems a bit distant, but is there anything that really gets in the way of us feeling happy with each other, all that moments. When we end up feeling frustrated with each other, even though it's not actually about you, it's not about the other person. Uh, like, like what is it that's going on? So, you know, Could be parents symbol. Could be. Kids running wild. It could be childcare issues and kind of trying to navigate the stresses around that. It could be, um, work. It could be travel commitments. It could be friends, it could be wo you know, health reasons. So whatever it is, but all that things that happen. Uh, around us that somehow just kind of infiltrate and the kind of annoying, because if that's the case, focus on what you can solve. But also recognize what you can't solve. And that you may be able to have some control around it, but it's okay if you can't solve certain things. So push Y. It moves because that in itself is going to just improve your chances of emotional connection. And we are moving to our last couple of points. This one is really about how you start to build something that is really meaningful between you two. And it's really about recognizing how it is that you belong within one another. So. One thing that I highly recommend with my clients is that they start to really introspect and they start to look at their personal values. What it is that is personally meaningful for them, what it is that has supported them throughout life to improve, to grow. And you do the same, the other partner or the half does the same. And. How is it that we all nurturing each other? So it's the first one. How is it that we're waving each of the swags, but also how is it that we're growing together? So in what way? Are our personality traits or our lifestyle choices really in alignment. How are they compatible? How are they? Really supportive to one another. And. I'm not saying that you are going to have the same hobbies, all that y'all going to have the exact same values. That's not all I'm saying. And actually it would be really inappropriate if you did have exactly the same hobbies and the same values, like. It often doesn't work out that way, but. Regardless of your lifestyle choices and your personality types and your values and your. And you know what it is that you're trying to pursue. But it's really about how is that you're nurturing each other. But also how it is that you're growing together. And the growth together. Is really around how it is that you are experiencing our sense of belonging within one another. That, how is that your scaffolding, the other person would the hopes and dreams? How is it that you're waiving each other's filings? But also how it is that you're working towards a mutual shed. Goal. And I'm kind of using the word goal there a bit reluctantly, but, but because it's not a set in stone timeframe, right. It's not, Hey, let's buy a house and then we're done. That's the goal. Uh, but no. The goal is more long term. So actually, how is it that we are committing to nurturing each other every single day and the nurturing? That is the thing that is the goal. How is it that we're committing to waving each other's flags every day? That is the goal. How is it that we are committing to inviting one another into our realm, into our emotions, into our experiences? And holding one another with safety. That is the goal. And the more that we can do that. The. Safer your relationship as the more contained you feel, the more held you feel. And also the more holding in mind you're doing of your partner and vice versa. And that is really what was going to strengthen the foundation of your relationship. Now, if anything that I've spoken about in this episode has resonated with you. Please do me three favors, please subscribe to the show. And rate it second. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend because I bet you, they are going to find it helpful to, and finally. Why not take the free relationship health quiz. It's going to tell you step-by-step what is going well in your relationship, but also areas that you could do with improving and hunter go bounce. It, why not? It's free. And all the links are in the show notes below. And until next time. Take care.