Forgive, but never forget. What forgiveness really is, when to do it, when you shouldn't forgive.

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Oh, my relationship success tribes. So good to have you here. We all talking about forgiveness today. And part of the reason why I really wants to talk about the subject is because invariably, however good or Harvard difficult, your relationship has been. That is always an element of forgiveness for the other person. And it may be really obvious times when you are thinking, do I forgive my partner? Do I not forgive my partners? So whether there's been an instance of betrayal, Injury. Hat's where you felt like you were a victim. Or you were pained by something. Or it could be something that's much more subtle. So, for example, if they bent dinner one day, And you're really hungry, but then you couldn't eat. At the end of the day. And so you had to do something else. So sometimes this issue of forgiveness is really bag. And there are so many things out there. That question, do you forgive? Do you not forgive? Should you forgive? Should you withhold forgiveness and that's the thing that's going to maintain power. And I just want to use a space really to dispel some myths, some myths truths. But also fees to be able to figure out actually, which situations would I forgive? And which ones would I not forgive? But this is really to do with empowering you and it's really to do with understanding the foundation of forgiveness because. Unfortunately, there is a lot of garbage out there when it talks. When we come to the discussion of forgiveness. The really is a lot of bad information out there. So all that's begun. What is forgiveness? Now the very first thing that I would say is that forgiveness is not about forgetting. This whole framework of forgive and forget. That's. Should not be the case. That is never the case. That is absolute. Absolute rubbish. And the reason being is that. If somebody's injured, you particularly somebody who you were close to, somebody who trusted somebody, you were vulnerable with you. Allowed. Yourself to feel safe with them. And they took away that safety and it caused you so much pain. This question of, do you forget about it? That then means that you are minimizing your injury. You are minimizing the impact. You're actually dismissing what it is that the dead. And your making it seem a lot less than what the reality is. And so we never actually forget, even if you decide to forgive somebody regardless of the circumstance, so we can talk about different circumstances in a moment. But if you forgive somebody, you should never forget. Actually, you should always remember what has happened and the other person should always remember what's happened. And the reason for remembering is because forgiveness is really about accountability and responsibility. So the reason why we would add the cheese to forgive somebody is because we are upholding responsibility and we are maintaining accountability for what has happened. So we mitigate any other pain that comes in the future. We are maintaining responsibility and accountability. So we mitigate for that pain. And I've repeated it a couple of times here, but I just really want to hammer home message in terms of what forgiveness is about. So forgiveness isn't about somebody, let's say your partner injuring you, and then they say that they're sorry. And it might be followed by change in behaviors, which is great. But. That's not why forgiveness then stops because oh yeah, they've changed their behaviors. So things are all fine now. And you know, then I can move on and I should forget about the past and all the rest of it. That is not all the case. When we are talking about sincere forgiveness. And really moving forward with your lives together. So I'm really referring to situations here. Were you all? Wanting some future you're wanting to work. For a greater path in the future. But you've also experienced a really difficult time that you're wanting to manage get over so that you can move forward. So the forgiveness. Is really to say. I knowledge. What has happened? I'm aware of what's happened. Aye. Accept what's happened. Accept not being complacent, but I accept in sense that I recognize it is here. And I recognize it has caused me a lot of pain. And for me to really protect myself. I have to make sure. That you maintain responsibility. That this. Situation, this issue does not reoccur. That's the pain that you caused me by this particular situation, by the betrayal, by the injury. That. The thing that you did that resulted in the impact that I got hurt. This does not happen again. And that is really holding accountability. For the other person. That is really putting on the responsibility for the other person, that they may commands that they changed their behaviors, but also they monitor their actions and they are continuously trying to improve themselves that they all continuously. Considering your emotions and they know it's not a. Timeframe that they just have to adhere to. And then things can just revert back to how they were. Or there could be a bit more laxed, but no, They really have to step up. They really have to change. The entire set point of the relationship to a better level so that it maintains your sense of safety. That is really what they need to be responsible over. And they need to hold themselves accountable for these things. So let's talk about the difference between responsibility and accountability responsibility. Is that they take ownership. That's the thing that they did. Let's say it's a betrayal that what they did has led to pain to you that is led to you feeling vulnerable, you feeling injured, you feeling. Excruciating pain. They have to recognize. And. Accept that that was that fault. That that was something that they had caused. Right. They did this thing and it led to your injury. That's one thing and the responsibility is how they are going to make commands, how they are going to improve the situation, how they going to make sure that you are safe. That you are not injured like that again, that actually they are changing their ways and they are really putting you forward. So the responsibility is really about the acknowledgement on the change in behavior. The accountability is almost like a self monitoring process. So they would pause and they would reflect, and they would do this often, whether it be every week, whether it be every day, whether it be every hour that they're awake, but they would stop pause and they would reflect on their behavior and consider. Is what I am doing, really holding my partner in mind is what I'm doing really respectful of. My partner is what I'm doing really in me, pursuit of repairing this injury that I have caused. So the forgiveness comes by placing responsibility and accountability to the person who. Did the injuring act. So let's say the person who did the betrayal, just as an example. All the person who did the humiliation, the person who did the, uh, inappropriate action that lets your home, let's say that that was the case. But let's say for the person who has been injured, the person who's on the receiving and of the pain. What does it mean for you? Well, I would actually say you still need to hold responsibility and accountability, but for very different things, right? So you need to be responsible and you need to be accountable in order to enable this forgiveness to. Occur. But the responsibility and accountability for different things, like I mentioned. So what you are responsible for? Is to observe what is happening in the relationship you are responsible for. Watching your partner's behaviors, have they changed? Have they not changed? You're also responsible for watching your own actions on this can be in two different directions. So the first one is what's a you doing in the attempt to repair this relationship. If you really want to repair it because. At some point, regardless of how resentful you are, if you are wanting to repair it, you are going to have to give your partner some breathing space so that they can prove that they are changing, that they are committing. You are going to half do. Give some kind of container. It has to be in a safe way. The level that you feel comfortable with. You don't necessarily have to expose yourself emotionally or risk any sense of vulnerability in that moment. But you will have to maintain responsibility over watching your partner's behaviors and born number two. Your own behaviors. Are you providing that sense of space? And freedom fuel partners so that they can actually demonstrate the changes, but you're still monitoring them. And. You are also seeing, Hey, did these changes and behaviors really mirror what it is? I'm wanting in a relationship, what it is that I'm really looking forward to. They really adhere to boundaries too. They really adhere to. That need for a spec, the need for safety, the need for emotional expression, emotional connection, vulnerability. I am I seeing those things that's really important. Now the second vein in terms of your behaviors that you need to be responsible over. Are. Am I doing. Things that would sabotage this relationship or that would sabotage my sense of happiness. Am I doing self detrimental behaviors. And sometimes these are very sneaky, sometimes pretty obvious, but a lot of the time that pre sneaky. So let's talk about the obvious ones. The obvious ones may be. If I am constantly screaming at my partner, if I'm constantly. Beating myself up and I am literally doing some physical damage. If I am constantly going out drinking so heavily that I am blind drunk that I get your blockouts. Oh. Am I doing these things right. That it are very, those are very clear self-sabotaging behaviors. And they are incredibly detrimental because nobody gains anything else of it. If anything, you are essentially punishing yourself and you are living a nightmare inside of your own head. So that is something. That you really need to pay attention to. The second method, the more subtle ways of self-sabotage would be if you are preventing your own healing process. So you may not necessarily be actively. Looking for how it is that you can feel supported. So for example, If somebody, if a close friend of yours, F a family member looks at you and sees that you're struggling, and they're saying, Hey, you know what? You probably should go to therapy. And they're saying that out of a place of compassion. But if for some reason you're not doing that. Or your really resisting. Seeking help. That is also a self-sabotaging behavior. And you may be in a position where you think, Hey, you know what? I can get over it. I can do this. This is embarrassing. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to add my dirty laundry. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. Hey, no, it's fine. I can deal with that. Sure all these things might be thoughts in your head and you're using all these thoughts to reinforce. I don't need anybody. But actually, you know what, if your friend is saying it, if your family member is saying it, if your kids are saying it, if your parents are saying it, if everybody else in the world is saying it. You probably do need it. Right. And there's nothing wrong with seeking help. This is nothing wrong with getting professional help. In fact, I would advise that every single person on the planet, if they had access to therapy, they should absolutely access it because we all have mental health. Right. And we all need a mental health. Check-in. So that's really important. But to say no to receiving help. That is a self sabotaging behavior. Saying no to anything that you know, would nurture you is a self-sabotaging behavior. So for example, if you've got friends reaching out, if you've got family members reaching out and they're messaging you, that blowing up your phone and. Okay. Sh sometimes it might feel overwhelming, but. Some of those people have really good intentions. And that just wants you to check in. So. If somebody is asking you to go for a coffee and you'll say, no. That's also really self detrimental because. Reaching out to this other person would also provide you with a sense of connection. They would also provide you with sense of being able to move forward and really being able to process your emotions particularly about whatever it is that's going on with. You know, with this person that you're dealing with, the issue of forgiveness. So these are kind of more subtle ways of self-sabotage. And other form of self-sabotage is quite sisal. Is. The sneaky feeling of guilt, false skills specifically. So false guilt is when we have what truly hauled to please other people. So this is usually for people. Pleases is usually high achievers. Um, but if we tend to work really hard to please, so the people. And we parked heist. Other people we put ourselves down and we believe that we are upheld to extremely high standards. If that's the case. And let's say I'll partner then upset game. And they actually behave really, really well that treating us very well. Sometimes we might feel really guilty for no part reason other than the fact that we are receiving more than what we have been. And so for the very nature of us receiving more, even though we're not receiving an access. We're actually receiving a good amount, but. The fact that we're receiving more, we automatically feel the LZ. And so we reject it. We feel unable to accept it. So whether it be physically unable to SEPTA or emotionally, but, but we somehow reach out to it. Right. So for example, If my partner is buy me flowers once a week or they are making me dinner or they have bought tickets to a movie that I really wanted to watch, or if they have. Uh, bought me a box of chocolates. I really like, well, whatever it is, but like, let's say they did quite a few different things. And these are really nice things. None of them though are excessive. Right? It's not like my partner bought me a plane or something. Right. So none of them are excessive. But. Simultaneously. I might feel really uncomfortable accepting these things. And I might also feel guilty if I receive these things and the guilt then makes me. Put myself back down again. And I kind of say, you know what, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We'll find, we'll find we're fine. And I do step into that realm of forgetting. When I'm forgiving. Right. So I'm almost minimizing and dismissing and brushing under the carpet. The situation that happened that really helped me because I can't tolerate the skills. And it's taught me. It's like a way of trying to justify. Why is I'm guessing all of these things. So you give me these things off, forget about what's happened. The. Let's continue. But when you're continuing, you're actually returning back to your old patterns, your old patterns where. You enabled that injury. Wow. You may not have been as vigilant over what was happening with your partner. Why you may prioritize your partner over yourself, where you are constantly people pleasing. What you were holding yourself to really high standards, but not to your partner. So you're right. You're reversing back to status quo. The thing that led to your injury to begin with. So when I'm talking about responsibility, I'm talking about it in so many different levels. But the person who got hurt. A hundred percent needs to take on responsibility. So when you hear stuff out there where they say the person who did the injury, they're the person who takes a hundred percent of the responsibility. I can't Hodge. I can't agree with that because the reality is that they take a hundred percent of the responsibility and you take a hundred percent of the responsibility. It doesn't mean that you're absolved of any responsibility. But no, you need to be responsible over yourself. For your self damaging behaviors, but also how it is that you're supporting this relationship to grow. If it needs to grow, if that's what you're working towards. But also how you all responsible over monitoring their behaviors? And this really leads me to the thing about accountability. The thing that you need to hold yourself accountable to. Which is monitoring yourself, which is self-reflection. In that you are pausing, you are pausing every week. Every day, every hour, however often it is that you're able to pause and self-reflect. And really start asking yourself the question of. Am I really doing this in the best service to me. And you might not have a very clear answer and that's fine. You won't, the answer will change invariably, but the more that you self-reflect, so let's say you might do it for the Fest week. And you might do it once every three days. And then, you know, a couple of weeks past, then you're doing it every day. Couple of weeks past, then you go once every two days, the thing is, is that as time progresses, you will become a lot clearer. In, yes, this is a thing that isn't best service to me or no, this is not invest service to me because we are needing to self-monitor. Especially with our hidden personality traits, like the people pleasing aspect, like any of you type a personalities who all listening to you, this, you are going to be doing certain things on auto pilot without really thinking the sneaky false guilt is going to come and haunt you. But you're not going to notice that. And so you are needing self monitor, you all needing to observe yourself. Often in order to maintain accountability. Over the situation and over how it is that you are moving about forgiveness, whether or not you do it. Okay. I'm going to change gears a little bit, because we've spoken about so far is with regards to people who know that they want to pursue this relationship. Or at the very least, they know that they want to give it their best shot and if their best shot doesn't work. Then that's okay. But, but they definitely do want to try it. Now let's talk about the other side. And. I really want to use the word, unfortunately. So I'm going to, unfortunately that are a lot of influences out. Uh, and even influences in the mental health space. Who talk about not forgiving. And they are ruthless with that. They say, actually, Under a lot of circumstances. No, you should never forgive. And that is absolutely fine. You maintain your power by not forgiving. And his, my issue with that, I, I understand why they're coming from. And. Not to go and see a lot of detail, but I've had a couple of people historically, why I have been incredibly injured and for anyone who knows a little bit about the backdrop of my, of my personal mental health. I know there have been moments one. I did not want to live and just a trigger warning here. Like I was very, very set in that I was going to die. Of my own hands. Like I was very, very certain of it. And luckily, certain circumstances. That the universe brought to me had changed that trajectory, which I'm incredibly thankful for the universe and thankful for God for doing that. But. The point being is the, I was in that space. And I was in that space because I was incredibly injured by certain people. And. I could never envisage forgiving them. And I didn't forget them at this time. And I was like a lot of these influences going really, really hard about this message of never forgiving people. If they've really caused you that level of injury. And I get it because how could you forgive somebody who has made you feel that unsafe, who has made you question yourself to that level? I completely appreciate it. But here's why I would say. And I'm saying this primarily from the dark places that I've been and where I'm at today, which has been, I dunno, it's been over. Let's say 15 year journey. And the difference is that's when I was holding on to not forgiving. I was actually giving them the power as much as I felt like I was holding onto the Powell myself by not forgiving. Actually Wilson. I was giving them the power inadvertently in a very quiet way because they still occupied my mind. They still. Work controlling me, even though they weren't physically around me and I could cut ties and all the rest of that, but they still had a control over my mind, over my brain, over my life, over my life, over my soul. Like they. Literally lived inside of me. Rent-free. And they were tormenting me every single day, without them even knowing this. And that was because I was really not wanting to forgive them because how can I forgive them? Right. Like, It seems counter-intuitive why would I. But. Here's the thing that forgiveness is really to do with this idea of how it is. I can let go, how it is. I can move on. And I'm not at all saying that what they did was okay. And, you know, similar to all these influencers, what I would actually say to them is the people who hurt you. The act that they did the introduced so much, the act is not so okay. The act. Is. Not something that you should tolerate, right. That that's not what forgiveness is about, because I think this is where we get to the misunderstanding. That forgiveness means that the action that they did somehow is okay, or that we tolerate it or that we accept it. That's not still the case. Because we also know that the action that they did is not okay. So it's really about recognizing that is not okay, but also. I do not want to invite again into my life. And actually I need Bassa and from old. And for order for me to move to something better, I need to be able to let go of this. I need to be able to let go of the scrap. And so it's almost like if you imagine that there's this story that goes. Within Buddhism. Y, if you imagined that somebody gave you a hot piece of coal. You could be really angry at this person because it's burning your humps hot piece of coal. But if you're angry at this person and you're screaming at them and you're pointing in your shaking, this hot piece of coal Anthem. There is you not forgiving. Or is there actually, this other person has gone. So the person's gone. They don't even care. They've not even thought about you like the, not even present. But it's still you, that's holding this thing. And you're the one who's still really experiencing Hertz. So you can just drop that coal. And then you start to tend to your own tons. You can drop that call and know, Hey, you know what, that Wilson okay. That they gave me that thing. That aren't Chile. I don't need to associate with them. I don't need to continue this. And so the forgiveness is really about how it is the, I keep myself responsible. On the council to my own wellbeing. What is it? That would be in my best sadness. And so it's not about being embroiled in DUI. Say that their action is okay or not. Okay. Or do I have this conversation with them or not? Like you, you don't have to have a conversation if you don't want to have a conversation, that's not all what it's about, but it's really about this idea that. No one. Deserves to live in your head. Rent-free particularly if you're not continuing this relationship with them, right. Let's say if it was a situation of abuse. If it was a situation where there was Savannah Glatt. Like, you know, you don't have to tolerate that. Like the action itself is not okay. But you also don't have to be stuck in that space. Why you're constantly finger-pointing because I guarantee if you are stuck in this place of finger-pointing and not forgiving. You offer rather going to be a victim you offer rather going to struggle and bustle, and you are the avid going to get really confused as to what's. Okay. What's not okay. And that's really not air. It's like putting somebody in prison for something bad that they did. But you can also forgive in the sense that you can see that life story. You can see that maybe they had a bottle upbringing. Maybe they went. Able to empathize. Maybe they didn't have that capacity. Unfortunately, somebody was there. And it's not, you know, it's not. Down to the victim or the person who's injured, you know, having done something wrong or right. Like that's not down to that. It's actually really important that the person who's injured. Gets the treatment that they need. And the healing that they need and the healing that they deserve. But you can still put that person in prison for the action that they did. Right. So, so it's really about this idea of what is it that would be in best service to me? What is it? That would really maintain and support my wellbeing for the future. That's really what forgiveness is all about. It's not about the other person. Who did the injury, but it's actually about. You the person who is injured and how it is that you get to move on with your life. I hope you like this episode. And if you did, please do B3 favors. Please. Like, and subscribe to the show. Second, share it with a friend because if you found it useful, I bet you that one of them will D two. And finally, why not take the relationship health quiz? It is absolutely free. And it's going to tell you where it is that you aren't going really well in your relationship, but also areas that you might need improvement on and tips on you to take on board now until next time. Take care.