Codependent or emotionally connected? Stop sabotaging your happiness & get relationship empowered

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello. Success tribes so good to have you here. They, as today, we are going to be talking. About codependency. Into dependence and emotional connection. These are foundational principles that you meet to get straight when it comes to your relationship. That are no questions about it. This is essential knowledge, and sometimes you may have heard these words being batted about, so let's get really clear on what each of these mean and how they might be good, how they might be bad. But also watching out for signs because. We never cheese to enter unhealthy situations or unhealthy relationships or unhealthy dynamics, but somehow they just creep upon us. So it's really important that we take on responsibility that we take on accountability. That we really observe what is happening globally in our relationship, so that we can have a great future with our partner, whether it be our partner. From an hour or whether it be our partner for life, but it's so important that we understand what's going on. Answer that we can get clarity on what it is that we want. Right. You wouldn't want to have a healthy, happy, loving relationship. So let's begin codependency versus into dependency. I don't know about you. I feel like the word codependency. It is battered a bounce quite a lot on social media, depending on which platforms you look at. Uh, and. It's very surface level. So let's talk about what the says now. Carrie dependency often happens in a relationship. When you all. Anxiously attached or your partner is anxiously attached. Or where that you all avoidantly attached or your partner is avoidantly attached that can often happen. And it also happens in people who have extreme emotional dysregulation. So codependency is the idea that I need you. To fulfill my needs. I need you to be my pillar of support. I need you to do X, Y, and Z for me. And without you. I would fall apart, but also I need you to need me, which is a whole nother level. So on one level, I need you so that you can make me feel like I'm walking on stable ground, but also I need you to need me to make you feel like you're walking on stable ground. And so that is this constant need to be needed to be needed, to be needed, to be needed. And the reason why this becomes incredibly unhealthy is because your relationship is based on needs and. Meeting that person's need, but also needing them to need you to need them to need you. And that is it. The relationship is ultimately based on needs for your survival, for your psychological survival. And emotional survival, but you become blind to who your partner is. You become blind to that characteristics. So that values to. What's so great about them that you initially fell in love with in the first place. You become blind to the fact that they are independent, that they are autonomous. You become blind to the fact that you're independent and autonomous, and that you can stand on your own two feet. And really the ideal way of having a relationship is that, you know, you're strong and you can stand on your own two feet. Your partner is strong. They can stand on their own two feet. You can both regulate your emotions. You both may sometimes feel anxious. You may feel sad. You might feel scattered. You may feel angry. Frustrated. All of these emotions are very normal because it means you're human. But simultaneously. You know, That you can keep yourself safe. You know, that you have got safety inside of you, you know, what a healthy, consistent. Reliable. Trustworthy transparent and honest relationship looks like, you know, these principles. And so. You don't need your partner to make sure that you are walking on stable ground. Sure your brand might sometimes be a bit shaky, but you'll figure out a way of, of. Planting your feet and feeling stable. But in a healthy relationship, it's all of these things I've just mentioned. And you see your partner, you see them for who they are. For that character, for that values for what it is that they do for what it is that you are inspired. By why it is that they do. You know, you feel such aberration towards them. You feel compassion towards them. And you want to support them. You want to wait for that flying. And vice versa. You want them to support you into wave your fly? But it's a very different field because you actually see them as a full human being without you. And also with you, and that's really where interdependence comes in. Interdependence has really this play between what it is that I have on my own. And you have on your own. But also what it is that we both bring to the table and what it is that we both share what we've brought to the table and the fact that we can share support for one another. We can check and passion for one another. We can chat empathy for one another, but we can also tell each other off. We can also. I say something that feels uncomfortable. But we're doing it for the betterment of the other person and also the batsman for ourselves. So for example, I may tell my partner. If they've become really overweight and they've become really unhealthy and they're eating a lot of junk food and they're not exercising. And they're not really sleeping very well. And you know, the, the, just getting into these really unhealthy patterns. I can say to them, look. The S this needs to stop. I'm really worried about you. It would be really important that we actually go on a kickstart health. Food diet together on a healthy lifestyle together. Hey, what about if we go to the gym together? And so I'm pushing them in that place. I'm telling them what is truthful and short telling somebody, Hey, you've gained weight. That's never a nice thing to say, nor is it a nice thing to hear, but the thing is, is that I'm saying. Because I see them as an independent being. I also see that they are not doing the best thing for themselves or the best thing for me or the relationship. And also I'm that to offer. Uh, helping hand or supporting hunts say, Hey, you know what? Let's go on a good, healthy lifestyle plan together. Why not? And that's really what interdependence is about. So co-dependence would be say, I feel really anxious. I need you to calm me down and I need you to deal with my anxiety. I need you to stop working, stop doing everything that it is that you're doing and just like fix my anxiety right now. And also, I need you to always be on my side and to never leave me and to almost parent me. That's the bus that she, the road that we're going down with the codependency, but also the moment that I move away because, you know, I might move away for various reasons. It might be that I naturally have to move away for practical reasons like work or childcare or something else. Like seeing friends. Or I might be moving away almost to test your loyalty. And also what I'm watching is for you to run after me. For you to want to meet her, want you for you to need me to need you. And this is when we become entangled in this really unhealthy, toxic dynamic, where it is literally needing to be needed, to be needed, to be needed. It just goes on forever. So let's talk about the different categories. So I've spoken about codependency. I've spoken about interdependence. But let's talk about the different categories in which this comes up. Now the Fest Swan is to do with an attachment style. And I've alluded to this a little bit earlier. Less delve in a bit deeper hurtfully you know what your attachment styles are, but if you don't, you've got secure attachment. So secure attachment, you have had a good, healthy upbringing where you believe that other people are reliable and consistent because your caregiver, your parents were always reliable and consistent towards Uh, towards you. And you believe that you are worthy of love. You believe the other people are worthy of love and that trust and honesty are essential to relationship. And you feel safe, you feel secure. And this is the healthiest attachment style that we can have. Now, if you've got a secure attachment style, you all going to naturally plant yourself into interdependence because you know, you are a full human being. And you existed before your partner ever existed in your life. And your partner. Hopefully it's also secure. They know that they existed before you ever did, and they are also feeling secure. Right? That is why interdependent size. However. Let's say you are anxiously attached or avoidantly attached. Now these two different attachment styles that are categorized within insecure attachments. So anxiously attached is when you. Are really apprehensive as to whether or not you are good enough to be loved. You may have received love at various points in cash, but it was never consistent. And so you feel like you have to work incredibly hard to get that bit of love or that bit of attention and affection. And you feel like there are standards for you to meet for you to get that. Now if that's the case, because you've had maybe a turbulent upbringing or there's been a lot of inconsistent care. Or maybe there was the risk of being abandoned. That was also dangled there. Or maybe you did have times when you did feel abandoned. Chances, all what's going to happen in adult relationship is you are going to lean towards codependency. And thus, because you feel so emotionally dysregulated, you feel very unsafe and insecure within yourself that you feel this constant need to be in a relationship. This constant need for somebody else to be by your side. And your identity becomes very much entangled with that identity. It's almost like you no longer exist as a full human being. Even though you might talk yourself into, you know, yeah, no, I kind of know that I am and did. But actually you very much merge with your partner and you become whatever it is that they are. Like, there is no line that distinguishes you and that becomes really confusing. And that becomes really unhealthy because what that also means is that. If your partner is feeling okay, then you can breathe a sigh of relief. But if your partner is not okay, because of whatever reason that doesn't have anything to do with you, maybe it's their work. Maybe it's a family. Maybe it's a friend's, whatever it is. If they're not feeling okay, you emotionally plummets. And you are working really, really, really hard to fix their emotions, but you're actually doing it in order to fix your emotions. And so it's really confusing to figure out how it is that you're actually going about this relationship or what it is that you're doing, because ultimately you become immeshed with this other being, and you lose your own sense of self. They lose their own sense of self. Because guest's waltz. If you're anxiously attached and you meet somebody who's securely attached. They're not going to want to maintain this relationship long term. And the reason being is because it's exhausting for them because they are saying, Hey, I'm feeling this thing and it's not about you and I need you to be patient or this or that. And actually it's really intolerable for you if you're anxiously attached. So you are going to constantly be pursuing. And they are going to want to parts from that because it's just a way to overwhelming and secure people. Naturally get attracted to other securely attached people. That that's the only template that works for them. But let's say you're anxiously attached and you enter this relationship and. You are constantly trying to make sure that your partner is okay, so that you feel okay. That's something that's a really common sign. Let's talk about another form of emotional regulation, which is actually known as emotional outsourcing. So emotional outsourcing is when you feel really anxious, you feel really disturbed. You feel distressed by something. You don't know what to do with that. And it's like this ball of tense energy that is physically inside of your guts or your chest. And you guess it. And you launch it at your partner in hope that they can solve it because you don't know what to do with this solution. And so you launch it at your partner. And you say he go, I feel this, I feel this. I feel this on you all looking at them to solve it so that they can eliminate that emotion for you. And give you something else that is wrapped up in a nice little package with a beautiful bow on top. And you can have that in return. But what you're doing there is you're asking your partner to rescue you. Emotionally all the time. And what you're doing in that moment is you are perpetually disabling yourself because you are never learning the skill. Of regulating your emotions. You are never lending the skill that you are, adults enough that you want big enough, that you've actually reached the stage of your life, where. You should be able to deal with your emotions. You've never been able to have the opportunity because what you've done is you have either. Regulated in versus quotes your emotions by making sure that your partner is always okay. And that they're always happy and you're avoiding upsetting them and you're avoiding them being upset by anything else. And, you know, you're scrambling around all the time trying to make sure that your other half is okay. And you're doing that as a way of you feeling okay. But actually that's never anything to do with your emotions, your kind of clutching onto straws here. Because like I said before, You no longer exist, you are part of them. You become immeshed with them. There is no defensive line between who you are and who they also you'll literally scrambling around trying to make sure that they're okay all the time. That's the way that you've learnt to feel emotionally safe. Or if it doesn't work and you don't know what to do with your own emotions, because you've experienced something, let's say it was your work or your friends or your family or something that happened to you. And you as a consequence, felt really distressed and. Really anxious, intense. You don't know what to do with that, because the only way that you know, how to calm yourself down is by calming other people down. But when it comes to yourself, what do you do? They don't, she, you take that emotional tension, that emotional distress, and you give it to your partner to fix for you. And what would you do if your partner wasn't that? Let's say if I came and I had a magic Teresa and I just erased your partner out of the picture frame. You would feel terrified. You wouldn't know what to do. It's almost like you've lost a limb. And there's this big void in your life. And that feels really, really daunting. Because in that moment, you feel like you've just dropped. And. You. Can't let go of this relationship. Because this relationship, this other person. Makes up who you are or who you believe you all. And that's because you've never really self discovered. You really struggle with that sense of identity in terms of who you are. What your real values are. What do you like, what do you dislike? And it can come down to really simple things that can be really confusing. Like do I like cheese? Do I like bread? Right? Like I'm using random examples, but it could even be more deep rooted issues. For example. If I am in a place where I feel really uncomfortable. So whether it be, I see some form of injustice and maybe it's to me, or maybe it's somebody else, would I say something? Would I do something? Is that sense of fairness really deeply ingrained in me? Or am I somebody who just kind of wishes that it'll maybe go away? Am I kind of turned a blind dye because I don't want confrontation and you know, I kind of shy away and maybe they're right. And, you know, kind of. Make all of these rationales. Am I that person. And if I'm that person then yeah. Um, Um, I'm more likely to enter situations where I'm codependent or that I'm anxiously attached or, you know, that way inclined. But the point that I'm trying to make here is that. If you don't get a good grip on who you are. To your very core, what makes up your essence? And you grow up and I don't mean that in a condescending way. I just mean you growing into the adults. That you are, and you growing into your own identity and you growing in terms of your sense of assurance and you growing into your sense of self-confidence. That's what I mean? But if you're denied those opportunities and if you don't go after those opportunities for yourself and you don't do the self development work. Then. It becomes really hard for you to ever imagine your life not needing somebody and for that other person to not need you. Because the part about them needing you ask the thing that gives you self validation. Because if they didn't need you. Then. You would question your own village city. Am I really that important. Do I really must say if this person doesn't need me? Whereas the person who's securely attached. That wouldn't even be a question they would say. Yeah, no, I know my partner doesn't need me. I don't need, I don't want them to need me. I don't meet them to meet me. I want them to want me. But I don't need them to need me because I know that they're an adult and I know that that big, and it would make me very, very sad if they didn't want me anymore. Like that would make me really sad shawl, but. I know. That I existed before them. And I know that I would exist after them. I would be sad and my life journey would look different because, you know, I may have. I imagined my future to be with this individual. And that's okay. Because you know, maybe this other direction will be really good. Maybe. I will be opening myself up to other opportunities, but I know that I would be going into life, looking for somebody who would want to want me. And that in itself is a peaceful pursuit. I don't want somebody to feel like they're dependent on me and not actually like me or not actually love me in terms of my very essence of who I am. And the securely attached person can really differentiate the two because they're able to stand up on their own two feet. They've grown in the sense that they've grown into their own sense of self and this own identity. And they know that these things change. You know, you're not exactly the same person who you were a year ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. And nor should you be. But the not forever confused. They're not forever changing. They are. Setting in themselves in the ability to maintain themselves safety. But also. They know that they're constantly exploring and constantly developing. And that is beautiful. And they know that they are always valid. They know that that own existence. Is valid the fact that they are here, the fact that they are living, they're breathing. They are within the universe. They are already here. They're already valid and they don't need somebody else to give them that seal of approval, that they are valid as a human being for their very existence, because they already know that. And. That also means that they don't need the other person to need them because they know that they're valid. Whereas the other people over here, the anxiously attached people. They they're really anxious about lists they have for rather relied on the seal of approval from other people to ensure that they're okay. And a lot of this has to do with childhood programming, subconscious programming, it's imprinted in the brain, and then your nervous system and the networks. I've spoken pre in previous podcasts about less. But essentially the brain is incredibly powerful and there are these very specific neural circuits that are good for relationships and how we view relationships and view our worth in relationships. And within the brain within the nervous system. The people who are anxiously at Hutch. They essentially. Believe, and they are good. They are literally wired. To constantly look for approval from other people. And they question their own sense of self. And so their sense of self is essentially based on the people. They can be a chameleon just to make sure that they are safe. So the way that that brain has wired up is not to live in a way that would make them happy, but it's to minimize themselves in order to survive. So they have led and they've got concrete neural circuits. That's half suppressed their own identity in order for them to survive in order for them to be accepted in order for them to manage this anxiety that they experience. But thank. Oh, goodness. Thank goodness for neuroplasticity, right? Because this kind of will change. This is not set in stone. You just need a very good clinician, very good professional to help you rewire your sec. It's your nervous system. So the nervous system needs healing and also. You need to be able to. Really reprogram some of these unconscious and subconscious beliefs about your worth. About who you are about your identity and about your validity and about your relationship style with other people, your attachments like apps, all of the stuff can be done, but you need a good professional. You need somebody who is really qualified. And of course, if you're needing any support, if any of this resonates with you, please feel free to get in touch with me. This is something that I do day in and day out in clinics. So I'm more than happy to assist you. Just. Contact me in the links below. And the show notes. But. What's really important for you to consider is that. These things. That might appear kind of normal in some relationships. All really knots, the recession, really unhealthy messages out there that normalize a lot of codependency. So this idea of, I need you in my life. Well, no, nobody needs anybody in that life. We were all born. On our own. And when we leave the swelled, we are all going to leave on our own. But throughout the journey of life, what makes life really meaningful is how we connect with one another. How it is that we emotionally. Feel belonging within somebody else. And they feel belonging within us. That is really what makes life so magical and relationships so peaceful and so worthwhile. That's the reason why we take the risk that this relationship might not work out, but we still take the risk and we still pursue it because. We. Find this other human being. With these amazing qualities, but we all also finding ourselves whilst we are with this person and we all growing more into ourselves, we know who we are, but we're also growing more into ourselves. And we are feeling more grounded, they're feeling grounded and we are also able to share that sense of intimacy. We are able to share that life journey and to say, Hey, you know what? I'm going to wave your flag. You're going to wave my flag and we are going to be that. In all that life has got to offer us through thick and thin and. We're just going to be there standing by each other. But you can also go off and do your thing and I can go off and do my thing, and we're going to give ourselves a high five at the end of it all. And it's going to be much cool. That's really what it's about. And if you have enjoyed this episode, Police do you meet three favors? Please rate the show and second, share it with a friend because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will eat here. And finally, why not take the free relationship health quiz? It's going to go through session areas that you are doing really well in, but also areas that might require a little bit of improvement, as well as tips on how to do that. And finally, I am hosting a wellness retreat in Bali jarring this year, which I I'm insanely excited about. I literally cannot contain myself. I'm so, so excited. And some clients have already signed up. So if you are interested, please get in touch. On the links below in the show notes, I would love to be able to walk you through this and see if this would be a good fit for you. But until next time. Take care.