"Victims" should be responsible: Forgiveness is necessary but not easy.

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if you forgive somebody, you should never forget. Actually, you should always remember what has happened and the other person should always remember what's happened. And the reason for remembering is because forgiveness is really about accountability and responsibility. So the reason why we would add the cheese to forgive somebody is because we are upholding responsibility and we are maintaining accountability for what has happened. So we mitigate any other pain that comes in the future. We are maintaining responsibility and accountability. So we mitigate for that pain. And I've repeated it a couple of times here, but I just really want to hammer home message in terms of what forgiveness is about. So forgiveness isn't about somebody, let's say your partner injuring you, and then they say that they're sorry. And it might be followed by change in behaviors, which is great. But. That's not why forgiveness then stops because oh yeah, they've changed their behaviors. So things are all fine now. And you know, then I can move on and I should forget about the past and all the rest of it. That is not all the case. When we are talking about sincere forgiveness. And really moving forward with your lives together. So I'm really referring to situations here. Were you all? Wanting some future you're wanting to work. For a greater path in the future. But you've also experienced a really difficult time that you're wanting to manage get over so that you can move forward. So the forgiveness. Is really to say. I knowledge. What has happened? And for me to really protect myself. I have to make sure. That you maintain responsibility. That this. Situation, this issue does not reoccur. That's the pain that you caused me by this particular situation, by the betrayal, by the injury. That. The thing that you did that resulted in the impact that I got hurt. This does not happen again. And that is really holding accountability. For the other person. That is really putting on the responsibility for the other person, that they may commands that they changed their behaviors, but also they monitor their actions and they are continuously trying to improve themselves that they all continuously. Considering your emotions and they know it's not a. Timeframe that they just have to adhere to. And then things can just revert back to how they were. Or there could be a bit more laxed, but no, They really have to step up. They really have to change. The entire set point of the relationship to a better level so that it maintains your sense of safety. Responsibility is really about the acknowledgement on the change in behavior. The accountability is almost like a self monitoring process. So they would pause and they would reflect, and they would do this often, whether it be every week, whether it be every day, whether it be every hour that they're awake, but they would stop pause and they would reflect on their behavior and consider. Is what I am doing, really holding my partner in mind is what I'm doing really respectful of. My partner is what I'm doing really in me, pursuit of repairing this injury but let's say for the person who has been injured, the person who's on the receiving and of the pain. What does it mean for you? Well, I would actually say you still need to hold responsibility and accountability, but for very different things, right? So you need to be responsible and you need to be accountable in order to enable this forgiveness to. Occur. But the responsibility and accountability for different things, like I mentioned. So what you are responsible for? Is to observe what is happening in the relationship you are responsible for. Watching your partner's behaviors, have they changed? Have they not changed? You're also responsible for watching your own actions on this can be in two different directions. So the first one is what's a you doing in the attempt to repair this relationship. If you really want to repair it because. At some point, regardless of how resentful you are, if you are wanting to repair it, you are going to have to give your partner some breathing space so that they can prove that they are changing, that they are committing. You are going to half do. Give some kind of container. It has to be in a safe way. The level that you feel comfortable with. You don't necessarily have to expose yourself emotionally or risk any sense of vulnerability in that moment. But you will have to maintain responsibility over watching your partner's behaviors and born number two. Your own behaviors. Are you providing that sense of space? And freedom fuel partners so that they can actually demonstrate the changes, but you're still monitoring them. And. You are also seeing, Hey, did these changes and behaviors really mirror what it is? I'm wanting in a relationship, what it is that I'm really looking forward to. They really adhere to boundaries too. They really adhere to. That need for a spec, the need for safety, the need for emotional expression, emotional connection, vulnerability. I am I seeing those things that's really important. Now the second vein in terms of your behaviors that you need to be responsible over. Are. Am I doing. Things that would sabotage this relationship or that would sabotage my sense of happiness. Am I doing self detrimental behaviors. And sometimes these are very sneaky, sometimes pretty obvious, but a lot of the time that pre sneaky. So let's talk about the obvious ones. The obvious ones may be. If I am constantly screaming at my partner, if I'm constantly. Beating myself up and I am literally doing some physical damage. If I am constantly going out drinking so heavily that I am blind drunk that I get your blockouts. Oh. Am I doing these things right. That it are very, those are very clear self-sabotaging behaviors. And they are incredibly detrimental because nobody gains anything else of it. If anything, you are essentially punishing yourself and you are living a nightmare inside of your own head. So that is something. That you really need to pay attention to. The second method, the more subtle ways of self-sabotage would be if you are preventing your own healing process. So you may not necessarily be actively. Looking for how it is that you can feel supported. So for example, If somebody, if a close friend of yours, F a family member looks at you and sees that you're struggling, and they're saying, Hey, you know what? You probably should go to therapy. And they're saying that out of a place of compassion. But if for some reason you're not doing that. Or your really resisting. Seeking help. That is also a self-sabotaging behavior. And you may be in a position where you think, Hey, you know what? I can get over it. I can do this. This is embarrassing. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to add my dirty laundry. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. Hey, no, it's fine. I can deal with that. Sure all these things might be thoughts in your head and you're using all these thoughts to reinforce. I don't need anybody. But actually, you know what, if your friend is saying it, if your family member is saying it, if your kids are saying it, if your parents are saying it, if everybody else in the world is saying it. You probably do need it. Right. And there's nothing wrong with seeking help. We all need a mental health. Check-in. So that's really important. And other form of self-sabotage is quite sisal. Is. The sneaky feeling of guilt, false skills specifically. So false guilt is when we have what truly hauled to please other people. So this is usually for people. Pleases is usually high achievers. Um, but if we tend to work really hard to please, so the people. And we parked heist. Other people we put ourselves down and we believe that we are upheld to extremely high standards. If that's the case. And let's say I'll partner then upset game. And they actually behave really, really well that treating us very well. Sometimes we might feel really guilty for no part reason other than the fact that we are receiving more than what we have been. And so for the very nature of us receiving more, even though we're not receiving an access. We're actually receiving a good amount, but. The fact that we're receiving more, we automatically feel the LZ. And so we reject it. We feel unable to accept it. So whether it be physically unable to SEPTA or emotionally, but, but we somehow reach out to it. Right. So for example, If my partner is buy me flowers once a week or they are making me dinner or they have bought tickets to a movie that I really wanted to watch, or if they have. Uh, bought me a box of chocolates. I really like, well, whatever it is, but like, let's say they did quite a few different things. And these are really nice things. None of them though are excessive. Right? It's not like my partner bought me a plane or something. Right. So none of them are excessive. But. Simultaneously. I might feel really uncomfortable accepting these things. And I might also feel guilty if I receive these things and the guilt then makes me. Put myself back down again. And I kind of say, you know what, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We'll find, we'll find we're fine. And I do step into that realm of forgetting. When I'm forgiving. Right. So I'm almost minimizing and dismissing and brushing under the carpet. Let's continue. But when you're continuing, you're actually returning back to your old patterns, your old patterns where. You enabled that injury. Wow. You may prioritize your partner over yourself, where you are constantly people pleasing. What you were holding yourself to really high standards, but not to your partner. So you're right. You're reversing back to status quo. The thing that led to your injury to begin with.