Don't Overshare: Building Trust & Protect Vulnerability

Transcript

0:04

Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello. Welcome back. My relationship, success tribe. So good to have you have runs because today we are going to be talking about this issue of what is oversharing. And how you protect yourself in a relationship. Particularly if you are at the early stages of a relationship and you're getting to know somebody. Your dating. Or it can even extend to, let's say you've been with somebody for quite some time. But there's been a rupture. And you are trying to reconnect. Your trying to figure out a way of moving forward in a way that is safe and contained. And the reason why I'm talking about this today is because I've noticed so many people coming to me with this particular question. And I must say dating nowadays. Is infinitely harder than what it would have been 20, 30 years ago. And that's because we have so many contradictory, conflicting messages. There are so many potentials of risk. We are aware of the dangers of dating and risking too much and being vulnerable. But also we all bombarded with so many dating sites and so many options and so many other potentials. That we are, we're more reluctant to actually pursue a particular relationship. Basically, we are facing a huge mass right now. And the skill of really figuring out what isn't. Okay. Amount to share with somebody figuring out if this is healthy and helpful for you and moving forward, this is something that's really important is particularly important. If you have an insecure attachment style as well. So if you are an avoidant, If you are disorganized, and if you are anxiously attached, You all need to understand what is a safe level of sharing? I am all about sharing, but I'm also all about not oversharing because oversharing can also put you in a very vulnerable position and it can also really hurt you psychologically in the long run. So let's begin. What is all of us about? Now. I started off by saying if you've got an insecure attachment style. So if you're an avoider, Then it means that you are likely to be in a relationship with somebody because you feel the need to have human contact. You feel the need for affection. But simultaneously, you're also really frightened as to how genuine is your frightened as to whether or not it's really going to last. So you keep that person at a distance. And what that means. Is that you rarely shy? You may shut superficial things about yourself. And you may have conversations about things that you're doing on a literal basis, things that your partner can obviously see, but you don't really share any of the more intimate things about yourself. You rarely share anything that is emotive. Anything that is. Really a pain point. Any thoughts, any feelings, these things just feel a bit too risky to share with somebody. And so you keep all of the stuff that's going on inside of you locks up tight. You're keeping that other person at a distance. And you are sharing very minimally, almost like a need-to-know basis or you're sharing the stuff that they would already see anyway. So. There you go, you can't really hide away from those things. So. That's one end of the spectrum. Now the opposite end of the spectrum are people who are anxiously attached and anxiously attached people. You guys make overshare. You may shy. Way more than what you avid need to, and you don't necessarily do this because of anything harmful and you don't do this because you all wanting to put yourself in a vulnerable position. But you're actually sharing. Because you are really wanting to be seen and you get your sense of validation that you are in a committed relationship, that the other person's interested in you, that they love you, that they care about. You, you get all of that validation from keys. From your partner. If they show you more interest and more attention. You have this need, this greater need for attention, but in order for you to get that need for attention mat, it also means that you have to share more and share more and share more and share more. And hopefully you would shat enough that the other person is so interested in you, that they just want to spend more and more time with you. That's ultimately what we are doing as anxiously attached people. And I put my hand up, I I'm a recovered, anxious, attached person. And this was something that was really harmful and really dangerous because what it does is that it puts you in an extremely vulnerable position. Especially if you are in the earliest stages of dating. Or even if you've been with somebody for quite some time, and there are challenges has been ruptures. And you are essentially trying to build up trust, but you build up trust by going all out and exposing every single part of yourself and almost leaving yourself back to receive anything that they might give you. And sometimes it might go well, but sometimes it might not go so well. So. We've got one end of the spectrum where it might be avoiding everything and anything, and we don't share at all. And then we've got the other end of the spectrum where we shat ball too much. And both ends of the spectrum. Do you involve risk because you guys who are avoiders huge, don't share at all. You are less likely to be able to experience an emotionally meaningful relationship you might enjoy or relationship to assess an extent more from a physical perspective. More from a sexual gratification perspective because the physical stuff, you know, all of those needs are being met. But you rarely have a feel emotionally connected somebody. So when you are on your own, when you are lying that awake at night in bed and nobody else's there. You feel very lonely and that sense of abandonment that you fear. That feels very real. And it's almost like a self-inflicted abandonment, right? Because you all. Keeping yourself at a distance. You're keeping other people at a distance. So no one ever gets close to you. So you might do it with the intention of protecting yourself, but simultaneously by you doing that. You're also abandoning your own need to ever feel close and to ever experience somebody who will not abandon you. You just never get that opportunity because you're isolating yourself from an emotional perspective. And view guys who are anxiously attached. Well, you are craving emotional intimacy and you all willing to do anything and everything to get that emotional intimacy. You all. Full out, willing to get hurt in order to get that emotional intimacy. But that's the thing. Sometimes you struggle to judge that risk appropriately. Judging the risk of. Am I actually going to get hurt? Is it more likely that I'm going to get hurt? In this situation. Or is it more likely to be beneficial and that I will be guessing that's emotional intimacy and that closest I crave. So it's really all about. Risk benefit analysis and describing it in that way might seem a bit cold and concrete, but I guarantee that is the thing that is really going to help you to me forward. And I know just to step back a little bit, I spoke a bit about the avoidant and about, about the anxiously attached. And if you are disorganized, you are going to notice yourself really being a mix of the two. So on one hand you might be really avoidant, but then you might flip into being anxious and really craving some closeness. And then you flip away back into being avoidant and distant, and you're almost in this maze and you're not entirely sure where it is that you stand actually. Actually, everything feels really confusing and you all just hoping that things will turn out just the way that they need to, but simultaneously it's really, really challenging. So. Let's talk about the risk benefit analysis. This is key. When we enter any situation in life. And I mean, any situation in life, I know we're talking about relationships, but we could be talking about anything else. It could be work. It could be going for an interview. It could be meeting up with friends. It could be buying a new car. It could be anything. Whenever you go into a new situation, you are met with a choice point. Now the choice point is essentially say, am I going to do a. Or am I going to do B and it might be that you've got a third option. Do I, do you see. So with anything in life, you all going to be met with choice points, and sometimes these choice points are going to be incredibly obvious. So for example, Do I go on a date with this person or do I not? Uh, it might be really obvious in the sense of, do I buy this car or do I buy that car? Or it might be, do I stay in this job or do I look for a different job? So these are all very, um, objectively clear choice points, but sometimes it can be a bit more subtle. So sometimes it can be things like, well, do I approach this person from a position of compassion and empathy? And I say something in that tone, or do I not? Do I just keep my mouth shut? But I might smile. Right? So those might be more subtle ways. But the point that I'm trying to make is that we are constantly being bombarded with so many different choice points. And if we was to go into the neuroscience around this. Every single day, you are met with a roundabout 90,000 decisions and you don't think about many of them, right? Like we can't, our brain literally cannot be processing those many decisions in a conscious level. So your subconscious is working incredibly hard, making tens of thousands, nearly a hundred thousand decisions PA. Day, and it does this very automated. Based on previous experiences. So when you have had a past experience and it has taught you some things, for example, if you've had a past experience where you learnt from your parents, that actually emotions were a bit of a nuisance. And you're a bit too loud when you cried. Or you were kind of annoying when you complained about school being hard or the people not being very nice. If the messaging. Around emotions, for example. With that emotions are not really that useful. And it's actually battered, suppress. Your subconscious has memorized that so well. That's anytime you are met with a choice point that relates to any emotional issue. You are likely to go for the, no, you are likely to go for the decision that says, Hey, let's do less. Let's suppress let's control. Let's not expose. Let's be. Distant let's be disconnected. Let's be more avoidant. So your subconscious mind has taken care of a lot of thoughts. But on the other hand, let's say, if you were Matt, We've experienced says whereby you sometimes hunt your emotional needs map, but not all the time. So let's say growing up. Your parents may have been attentive at some points. And sometimes they showed you a lot of care and a lot of affection and they cuddled you and they made sure that you're okay when you're upset. But there are times when you're upset and they just were not available. Or maybe you had one parent that was really caring. The other parent was really absent and distant and perhaps neglectful or abusive. If you had a mix, then chances are you are going to land more in the anxious camp because you don't know what you need to do. In order to gain that affection, you know, it's that. But you just don't know how to get that. And you also know that it involves risk in order to get that. You know that it might involve you guessing hurts in order to get affection. And so you are hammering down that path. And when you are met with these choice points, you are likely to choose the point where you are going to get injured with the belief that, Hey, maybe this is going to work out for me. And that makes sense, really, with regards to why anxiously attached people, you would be oversharing because you are wanting cat, but you don't know what you need to do in order to scout that. And so, you know, that you need to. I experienced some level of pain in order to get care. Hopefully at some point that's what you're banking on. But it's never a guarantee. And so your subconscious mind is constantly churning out. Uh, answers for all of these choice points. And you actually never know whether or not that cracked. And we never consciously look. At is this. More risky or it's a small, beneficial. We rally have a look at that. And also we simplify these decisions so much, so. Typically when subconscious mind is making these decisions, it looks for option a or option B. It rarely ever considers that there's an option C it rally ever considers that there might be something new that is yet to discover or learn. And that is our job. So let's discover what is option say now? Let's revert back when we were talking about this issue of, do I share, do I not share. What is oversharing? What is under sharing? What we're needing to do is first off consider, well, what is our attachment style? What is really our tendency? So am I the type of person who is more likely to withhold, who is more likely to withdraw, to go back into myself to really keep you at distance, to not really share very much? Am I that type of person? And I know that I'm that way inclined. Or am I the type of person who is really open and I am willing to bat anything in everything. Because I feel really nervous and I feel anxious. I just want love and I just want affection. And I'm just really hoping that I will get that. So first off, figure out which camp do you really set in, and if you've never done an attachment style questionnaire or really figured out your attachment style, and maybe this is a confusing area for you. I would happily recommend. That's you do the attachment style questionnaire. And this is available for free online. And, uh, if you just punch it into Google, you'll find it. It will be one of the top two links. Please do it. It will be really interesting feet, find out and really discover a bit more about yourself. Okay. So first off, find out your attachment style. Second thing. Is to then start considering. Okay. So if I sit in the avoidant camp, what are my options? So. To simplify it for this purpose is my option might be. To share or to not share. So if I go down the path of, okay, if I'm sharing what risks to site involve. What risk does that involve? And if you are able to, if you're not driving, if you are able to sit down with a pen and paper, I really highly would recommend that you do the sax size. Almost as if you are doing a pathway diagram. So your first question is, do I share, do I not share. And let's go down the path of sharing. So if I share what is the risk and what is the benefit? So let's focus in on the risk. So the risk might be. I will get hurt. It might be that the other person might use this as ammunition against me. It might be that the other person is going to make fun of me. It might be that the other person won't. No. Honsa handle me. I might be that the other person is going to break up with me. It might be that this other person will see something that they don't necessarily like. Well, it might be, I have no idea. I have no idea what it will entail, but I really don't know how this person is going to respond. And I'm really scattered thought because actually I'm really trying to control how is it? They see me because if I can control how it is that they see me. Then I feel in control. But also I can protect my image and I feel safe and secure. In a way. I'm not set. I'm protected. So for me to share it means I also have to let down my guard. And it also means that I I'm no longer protected with my armor. And they see me or they going to like it. Are they going to dislike it? One of the other risks. If you are in this camp, it might be that. Well, if someone is going to see me. And I feel really uncomfortable with that. It might be that actually, I feel uncomfortable with myself. And I don't know, what's behind the armor myself. And if I don't know, and I don't know what I'm going to do with that. I really don't know what somebody else is going to do with thoughts. And that's a greater risk because it's somebody else see something that I don't even know about myself, but not scary. So let's list all of the risks that are involved in that decision point of do I share. And then you might look at the benefits of sharing. So for you guys who are avoidantly attached, you might say, well, you've listed out all the risk. There is no benefits. Well, if I would suggest something. The benefit of sharing is that you get the opportunity to experience love, like the feeling of love. You get the opportunities to experience acceptance. You get the opportunity to experience emotional connection and you get the opportunity to really heal the abandonment wound. And, and that is. Huge. And I'm not guaranteeing that you'll be able to do all of these things in this specific relationship. It might be. Different relationships, or it might be that you discover that this person isn't right for you. And so the next person might be a better effect, but those would be the benefits because the thing is, is that as a human being. You were born as an emotional creature. We are all emotional creatures. That's the thing that makes us human. And that's the thing that's so beautiful. It is scary. It is messy. It is ugly sometimes. But that's beautiful because we are emotional creatures first and foremost. And so for us to operate like robots, that's actually doing us a massive disservice because emotions have an incredibly valuable. Package for us. Because emotions really are our guides to life. They tell us what it is that we need and what it is that we don't want. And which direction really, we should be taking ourselves in, in life. So emotions are incredibly important. But. Well, what's hulking about a relationship and we don't know. To navigate it and we don't know how to shat then how do we do it while? Okay. So if this is the potential benefit and these are the potential risks. Then I want you to ask yourself. If we were looking at this list of risks. All these risks familiar. So how have I heard these risks before? I do. I feel like I have. Noticed these risks or do I feel like I have felt those risks before? So for example, if I've shared something. And that being used as ammunition has that come up for me before? Have I experienced that in a previous relationship? In many other arenas in my life and my childhood, where have I experienced thoughtful? And the moment that you figure out well, if these risks are attached to certain parts of my past, Then it's really up to you to stop consciously, bring attention to the fact that this risk was involved with this person. Or with the set of circumstances. So, for example, if I shared something of myself and I got bullied in school for it. Then it's really up to me to bring conscious awareness to the fact that this person or this group of people in school. That's why the risk lied. And it lied, not because of me sharing, but actually lied because they were unable to handle my emotions. It's not the fact that I had emotions, but it's not. She, because they were own able to really receive emotions. And so what I ended up learning was I had to protect myself so that I could avoid those situations, which makes perfect sense. But it's really about bringing conscious awareness. So. I now know that some people. Cannot. Navigate emotions without so-so not something for me to own. Well, it's also important for me to know that some people out there will be able to handle emotions and they can handle it so peacefully. And you know, maybe you need to go to therapy or you need to go to coaching or, you know, feel free to contact me if you're wanting more ideas and advice around this. But. The thing is, is that if you are really wanting to experience something new, you're also going to have to do something new. If you want things in your life to change, you are going to have to change things in your life. Like the. Only way of outset, right? So. If you bring conscious awareness to this decision that you're making. Then you can really think through clearly, as opposed to just slicing your subconscious, just take the reins. So. With this moment. You can then think. Okay, well, some people cannot handle my emotions or some people are unable to keep my emotions safe. But I also know that some people can because have also experienced other people who have been nice. You have been generous. You have been containing. Now it's up to me to develop a filter system. So the filter system might be. Well, if I just shat a little bit of myself that feels comfortable, but it's almost a bit on the edge of comfort. How is this person in front of me going to respond? So as an example, I might be with some J I might be on a date. It might be my first day. It might be that actually I've been dating this person for a couple of years. It might be that I'm in a long-term relationship or whatever it is, but let's say. I'm in front of this other person, the person who I'm romantically involved with. And I'm, avoidantly attached. I'm really consciously thinking about this choice point. And I know that I keep this person at a distance. What I might then do is just shat little section of myself, like a little nugget of myself. And really see how that person responds. So it's about doing and watching, doing, and watching. So what I might share is. You know, yesterday, I felt really stressed when I was at work and I noticed that I was being a bit hard on myself. And I'll set. I could just say that. And if I say that, then I can watch how the other person respondents. And if they respond with compassion and kindness, then I can think, okay. I'm just going to leave out there. And I'm just going to sit in this moment and I might sit in the uncomfort uncomfort of, you know, seeing them respond with compassion. I, my. Kind of be that suspicious of that response. And I might need a lot of evidence of them being consistently compassionate and consistently responsive to the things that I say. But it's important for me to share a little nugget of myself. And sit and watch and experience how the other person contains me or how it is that the other person holds that emotional vulnerability. So if they're holding me with safety, Then it's important for me to receive that safety. And it might take a while for me to feel emotionally safe for this person, with this person and emotionally safe. I've exposed myself to this person. So that's going to take a lot of practice. It's almost like I'm going to the lake and I won't swim in the lake, but I'm having to dip my toe in. And I might have to dip it in multiple times just to really check the temperature and to really check that the lake is safe and all the rest of it. So I might have to do a lot of testing. But thought process is really important because it gives me feedback and it gives me some greater understanding of how it is I can navigate forward with this relationship. And so if I, after a period of time, see that this person is consistent with me, that they're safe, that they're containing that they're supportive. And they're compassionate and I feel held and I notice often, well, maybe they are holding me in mind. Maybe I am good enough to be loved. If I'm experiencing that, then I can share a little bit more about myself. That's really healthy and that's really impulsive and that's beautiful to watch that evolution. But let's say on the other hand, if I shared something with somebody and I said, oh, you know what? It was really stressful. And where can I notice that I was being hard on myself? Let's say that happened. And my partner responded in a way that wasn't so great. So they responded with something like, oh, you think you had a bad day? Of course, you never had a bad day. You're being ridiculous loud or, you know, let's say there were being really dismissive or attacking or critical, then I've got feedback. I might not necessarily get the result I want, but I definitely have the lesson that I needed to learn. I definitely have the information that I needed. About this particular person. And the information, the lesson is that this particular person. Those not half that emotional capacity. They are limited in terms of how much they can keep my emotions safe or my emotional vulnerability safe. And then the question would be well, would I choose to continue being in this relationship or am I going to choose a different direction? Am I going to choose being with somebody who can be more emotionally containing, who can be more emotionally supportive. Is that the path that I'm going to be going down. So, these are really important things for you to consider. So you are the, get the result that you want, or you're going to get the lesson that you need, but either way you are going to be moving forward. In life. And I've spoken really about the avoidant. Uh, attached people in that example, but it's the same principles, really the apply for the anxiously attached people. So just run through that quickly. If you were thinking about this decision point of, do I share, do I not share, then you also need to go through the same process. So. If I shat, what is the risk? While the risk is that I might shatter too much and I might get hurt. Or this other piece, this other person may. Uh, may show me some kind of compassion and they may want to be with me even more. So that would be the benefit side, but the risk side is aren't Chile. I don't really know very much about this person. I'm just really hoping that they will be on my side. And so what you might notice on tree with the people who are anxiously attached, they overemphasize the benefit list. Even when they try to think about the risk, they really overemphasized the benefit list. And that's the reason why they end up oversharing. And this is going to resonate tree for you if you are anxiously attached. So you are sitting there. With. This idea that there is a castle in the sky that you guys are going to be going up to if you shy or the more that you pull yourself in, the more beautiful that relationship will be. And yeah, sure. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. And I don't know how long you guys have been together. And I don't know what the other person is. Like. I don't know whether or not they can keep you safe if they are the right person for you. I. This information is unknown. And so what's really impulsive is that. We do not bank on this idea that there is a castle in the sky on that is, you know, this beautiful, big imaginary thing that we all banking on potential. But that weren't she looking at the reality? So the reality is that the risk will, you don't know this person well enough. Or you don't know how this person is going to respond. You only know what you know thus far and you don't necessarily know how they're going to handle something else. You don't know if the future is really going to be roses everywhere and that it's screened to be the smart vehicle ending. Like you don't know these things. It might be, it might not be. I, I. That she don't know, but what you're really needing to go back to is what all the facts. And really assess the risk from that perspective. Now. If you like anything that I've spoken about in this app, so please feel free to reach out. And if you're wanting any additional supports, I have got a link in the show notes for you for a free relationship health assessment tool. It is absolutely free. And it's going to give you a bunch of techniques for you to be able to use in order to support your relationship. And finally something that I am insanely excited about is that I have got my Bali retreat coming up in August, 2025 in this retreat, we all going to be doing anything and everything that is wellness space. So we are going to be having daily yoga. We're going to be having daily massages. We are going to be doing a lot of mental fitness workshops. And it is going to be beautiful. So if you're interested in that, feel free to contact me. It's find out more details, but I have to say that the spaces are extremely limited and I do have people already books up full. So if you are interested, please get in touch as soon as possible because the spaces are limited. And when they're gone back on. Until next time, take her. And if you found it useful, why not share it with a friend because I bet you that they will find it useful too. And finally. If you are interested, I have got a free quiz on it. Your relationship health down in the show notes below. So hit the link and take the quiz. Why not have a bit of fun with that and let me know how you get on until the next time. Take care.