Estranged Then Reconnecting: Traps, Building Trust, Forgiveness, Expectations

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my friends. And welcome back to the show. It's so good to have you here. Because today, we all going to be talking about this idea of reconnecting with somebody after there's been a big distance when you've been strange from someone. And this could be applied in a romantic sense, but it can also be applied in other ways as well. So whether you've had a family member, who've been estranged. Too. And they suddenly come back or it could be a friend. It could be a coworker. It could be somebody that, you know, Primarily, I'm going to be leaning into the romantic side of things, but let's talk about this from a myriad of different positions, because I know myself I've had this experience and. It feels really confusing. It feels very shocking when it happens. When you have somebody reentering your life, who you are actually expecting to never enter your life. Again, maybe you've grieved over this past and you've grieved over the relationship. You believe that it was going to end because it did. And this person just walked away. You were left with nothing. Um, that in itself was very confusing and you are left at the bottom of the pet. Then suddenly this person comes back and you don't know what to do. Part of you really wants to reenter that relationship dynamic and really hold this person close. Because there's so much that you mess with that person, but then there's this upside of you. That really does not want that. There's this other side of you that is reluctant, that is suspicious. That doesn't know whether or not it can trust that this dynamic will be any different. And also what it's going to look like. So there are a multitude. Of psychological issues. That happened under the surface that we really need to resolve. Now Fest and foremost, before I move forward. I want to be see pet super CIBA class. As to the difference between when you have experienced abuse with somebody. So that is when somebody has been attacking of you, whether it be attacking in a psychological sense of fiscal sense, financial sense. Emotional sense that, that that is abuse. This is when you have been triggered. So when you've been triggered would be something that exists inside of you. So you are upset for whatever reason it is. Because the person did something. But actually it's not necessarily to do with this person being attacking. But they did something and evoked something inside of you. So for example, it could have been that you were with somebody who really, really prioritized swag. And you heads because you felt deep prioritized. Now a lot of people would say, oh, but that person's neglectful. And I would argue, well, no, they're not being neglectful. They might be absentminded. Sure, absolutely. I will go for arts. They are absent-minded. And they might not have that parties in order. Totally agree with that, but they're not necessarily neglectful because neglectful would involve active harm. And so your feeling of being deprioritized. That's also reflective of an internal wound that you question and you doubt how important you all. Because if you believe that you were impulsive enough, You wouldn't necessarily think that you all deprioritized, but you think what the heck's going on with this person, this person doesn't have their priorities in order. As opposed to you being the object of home. Actually you would think this person is causing that own suffering. Right? So, so there's a big distinct difference there. So I just want to be super clear at the beginning is let's distinguish what is a piece and what is being triggered. And if you have experienced abuse with somebody. Obese in any form is not okay. It is not acceptable. We do not have space for that. We do not have tolerance for that. You should not tolerate that, but is that the bus just point blank. However having said that, I also believe that. People do have the capacity to change and people do have the capacity to improve and to become better people. I need to believe. I have to believe that. And I have witnessed that. But we also need to be really Cathal right. We do need to ensure that we are protecting ourselves. So if you're in this camp and let's say you were in a relationship with somebody who's really abusive, who's really hateful. And then they Rantoul. Your life. You've got the choice of whether or not you accept them reentering in your life and maybe you don't want to, and that's absolutely fine, but let's say you have witnessed healthier changes. And you are thinking, okay, well, the relationship wasn't a hundred percent bought the Western goods and. And maybe we can build something else. That would be different thought. That's actually fine. Versus being triggered whap. You're not necessarily having to consider the risks to the same degree. So I just want to point that out. So. Let's begin. How do you go through this process of reconnecting after being estranged? Now there is a process. And this process I'm going to walk you through is designed to keep you safe. And to potentially build on that safety so that you can have a healthier dynamic with this person where you feel empowered and you feel like you are able to stand on your tea feeds and this other person adds shore life. This other person, Natches your life. That would be the ideal. But also the person I'm going to be talking to you about is let's say this person that you're reconnecting with does not have the ability to add or to nurture, but this other person has to be in your life for whatever circumstances. So for example, let's say you have children together. And you've been separated. You've been a strange something's happened. And then all of a sudden they reenter. Then, you know, there's, there's more grounds to have some kind of connection with them. For the support of your children and you know, how do you navigate that in a safe and contained way safe for you, but also say for the kids and how do you move forward with that? And this is a bit of a touchy subject, and you know, I'm talking about this and I'll, I'll be totally transparent. Ha uh, Paul, if me talking about lists is a little bit hesitant talking about this because I know I'm going to receive criticism. I know that people out that all going to really dislike one, but say, because that is a ton of information out there on social media. By really, um, uninformed, unfortunately, uninformed people, giving information and advice, which is unsolicited saying, you should cut everybody out of your life. And, uh, you know, some people would also say that would be the case. Have somebody walks away, then you absolutely cut them out. There are no exceptions. I would disagree in the sense that there are shades of gray. Sometimes it is appropriate to completely discount with somebody and to completely cut them out of your life. Particularly if there is abuse, I am I'm on board with that. There are certain sectors, certain situations where that would be appropriate. But there are also other situations. Why that is not viable. And actually you would be doing yourself damage. And the aim. With everything. I'm about to say, even though some of the things I know I'm putting myself out of that and I will be criticized and that's okay. But the reason why I'm saying all the stuff is because I sincerely want people to feel empowered. That is the main target. The target is not for you to be doing all of these mental calculations of, oh, do I, do I disconnect? Do I reconnect? Do I do this? Do I do that? Like it's, it's not about that. It's not about trying to figure out. What would be the safest in terms of navigating someone who you believe might be a sniper? That's not all the case, right? That's not taught the mission, the mission. Is for you to feel good and for you to feel empowered. Right. That is the mission. Um, what beautiful mission, right? Because that's less important for anybody and everybody, I would say. Okay. So let's talk about the stages and a bald, the standard, really to five steps in terms of how do you connect with some day. After being estranged after having a whole heap of challenges with them and also having distance with them. How do you move into reconnecting with them? Now festival. Number one stage number one, number one, number one. Is safety. And I don't actually mean fiscal safety, physical safety. That should be a given obviously, uh, in that you need to feel physically safe with this person that they are not going to physically harm you and that you are able to leave a room. For example, if you need to leave a room, they're not going to Trump you indoors. They're not going to. Keep you hostage any of those things. So you are physically safe. But actually I'm talking about psychological safety now, psychological safety is a bit trickier to decipher. Became a psychological safety is really to recognize this idea of is this person really going to attack me? So again, it goes back to this idea of. Is it abuse or am I being triggered? Hence why we need to be so clear on what the different says. So am I. Uh, am I psychologically safe with this person? So being psychologically safe with somebody. Requires a few different things. So it requires knowing that this person, even though they might be a bit. Bad doing this, but this person has good intentions. Even though they might not know how to do it. We also need to consider it's their first time being human. They've never been human before. They might not be very good at it. They might have a lot of blind spots. They probably do have a lot of blind spots. That's okay. But, but we need to just consider, does this person actually walk in with good intentions? Does this person walk in with good intentions and we can get to the, how we can get to how it is that they execute that. And in just a moment, but I just want to know the foundation. Does this person genuinely have good intentions? Do they actually want something that would be helpful for me and for this person, something that is healthy, that is mutually accepted, that is mutually valuable to both of us. So, for example, if you have kids together, does this person have the intention of their kids being safe as well? Like, do they actually want thoughts? They might not be able to do it very well, and they might kind of attack us and criticize us for multiple different things, but aren't she do there have the intention that they just want their kids to be happy and healthy. Simultaneously, let's say if it was a friend or a family member that you've been estranged with, then it's also considering, well, okay. So this person might not be so good at executing some of these things, but. Do do they actually really want what is best? And if they do then great. Now if they don't, then we might need to consider actually this issue. Is it really abusive or am I being triggered? So am I being triggered would be actually, this person has kind of in their own world, they're doing their own thing. And I feel hurt. So what's actually happening in that moment is that that person has a blind spot, but we need to discuss. But I also need to acknowledge my own wound and the thing that is getting activated inside of me and what that means. It's all something. And that's something that it would be really important for us to recognize so that we can move forward in the future. So first thing, psychological safety, right? Um, within psychological safety, we need to establish a few different things. So one of those things is how does this person really holds me? Does this person really keep me safe? Does this person really keep me in mind? And in what way do they keep me in mind? So do they keep me in mind in a good light? Do they see that? I have got some good qualities, not saying that I'm perfect and they think the world of me, but actually does this person see and recognize that I am capable, that I am. A good human being at my fundamental basic. So does this person really holds me with respect? And if they do, it might not be able to do it a hundred percent of the time, because like I said, it's the first time that they are doing this thing called human, but, but Kelly really do, you're saying so do I feel psychologically safe enough with them that I can just sit. And the, I am not constantly on edge that I feel like I'm going to be attacked at any moment. And it's really important in this moment to really pay attention to your nervous system and just see whether or not you are being activated, because if you are being activated, then we need to consider, are you psychologically at risk? Yes, Solano. Or are you being triggered? Yes or no? And if you answer yes to either one of those, then actually we need to take that step forward and, uh, If I talk about anything here that resonates with you, please do get in touch. I'm more than happy to support you through these issues. And obviously, if you don't want to contact me, if you've got your own therapist or coach, then feel free to speak to them about that, because that I think would be really important. Okay. Stage number two. Really considering what can I trust and what do I yet not trust? So what do I trust now? And what do I yet to not trust? Now, the thing about trust is we can only trust something based on what we know what we have witnessed. So let's say we are in a situation where we become a strange Trump some day. Now we need to consider what is it that we can trust about this person? What is it that we know about this person that we can really be. Be sure of. And it might be based on your past experience with that person in a sense that, well, I trust that this person works really hard. Or I trust that this person is very disciplined. I'm right. Not trust them with my emotional vulnerability, because when I've shared something emotional or when I have given them feedback about something, then actually they just criticize that. So I know that I can't trust that. Um, I also know that I can't trust that they will consistently be there. I, because those period of time when they were absent. So I know that I can't trust those things because I've also witnessed that. But I know that I can trust certain things I have witnessed. So you're going to be really clear on what do I trust? What do I not trust the count that lies in why trust will be, why I have seen. That I have received. And then what I don't trust is also what I've seen, but I've not received. So what it is that I wish I had from this person, but I didn't end up getting it. So for example, I needed them to be that for me. And they weren't that. That might be something. So I know that I can't trust them for being there. I know sometimes they were there, but I don't know for a hundred percent. At the time, if they will be there or not, like, I know that right. I don't trust them on that level. But I might trust, well, actually they have consistently shown up in this particular way. Or they have consistently spoken with this particular tone of voice or they have consistently prioritized the kids. Uh, the household, the bells, they've done certain things I can trust. So it's really figuring out those T counts. And that's really important because that's going to help you position yourself. Because often when people. At recover back from being estranged, they go into not trusting anything at all. And they just put this person at a massive distance and there is this huge brick wall that is built up. And that's understandable because you're wanting to protect yourself and a lot of time has passed and you feel really injured. You don't know what to do. He aggrieved for this person because you said, okay, well, I need to move on with my life without this person. So. I have to just psychologically cut ties. So when this person reenters, it is very jarring and it's only slight. Oh, wow. So I built this wall and I grieved and it's complex grief because I grieved for someone who isn't actually gone. Like the still. So that's really confusing as well. But by really grounding yourself in reality and basing yourself on facts, then you can really start to clear the clowns and see, okay, well, I can trust this because I've seen it. I've witnessed that. But also, I don't know about this section here. And so it gives you some kind of basis to be able to move on with this person, because otherwise you will just never be able to move on because you will be so focused in on, I cannot trust anything. I am blocked off to the universe of this person. So. This. Bit of what is it that I can trust that gives you some kind of foundation. And this foundation is so important, and this is a bit why people arguing to criticize me because often people will say, well, no, I can't trust anything. Well, the thing is, is that if you come from a position where you cannot trust anything, its whole a hundred percent, you are navigating to reconnect with this person, you are automatically shutting them out and you've already made that decision that connecting with them at any level is just a no-go. Because you're not even giving yourself a foundation. Whereas even if you consider what tiny bet, even if it's a smallest amount, but what tiny bit can I actually trust of this person? Either that character, that value system, how is it they show up? What tiny bit can I trust? Because if I can trust just a tiny bit, then it gives me a platform to even be able to confess with this person to communicate, to be able to share something. And the moment that I can trust. At Seni, teeny tiny bat. I'm not asking you to trust them entirely, but just the smallest amount that you have witnessed. And you know, this is grounded in fact, Then that gives you a platform to say, okay, I can have this type of conversation with you. I can share this a little bit. And then you can wait and watch and see how it is that they respond to you. And if they respond to you in a way that is good. And if they do that enough times, then you can say, okay, well, I trust them a little bit more. And you can share a little bit more. And so when you share a little bit more, you can watch wait, how they respond, see if it's consistent and reliable. See, if you feel safe with that. And if you do then great, you can share a little bit more and you, because you trust a bit more. And so that's really the cycle of being able to trust more and you are able to reconnect. But you cannot be able to go through that cycle. If there is not a single, even a 1% pot in you, that's able to trust this person. So you need to really have thoughts. And if you're not having that, if you're saying I don't trust this person whatsoever, then you're also making a decision that you'll never reconnect. And if that's your decision, that's your decision. But of course, if you are wanting to explore something different, I urge you to consider what can you trust based on fact. Okay. Number three. Is it really acknowledging your feelings and any sense of resentment, any sense of grief, any sense of anger, any sorts of hostility and a sense of sadness and anxiety that you may have gone through with this situation? And it's so important for you to acknowledge your emotions because every single feeling that you have will represent something. Every single emotion has an underlying message that you need to hear and you need to get good at feeling your feelings. But more importantly, reading the message underneath those feelings. So, for example, if you feel I'm new with this person, You need to read the message. And so usually anger the messages beneath it would be, I want to feel protected. I want to feel like my needs are being met. I want to feel like life is fair and I feel like you have treated me unfairly. And this is me standing up for myself. If you are feeling sadness, or if you're feeling grief, then actually the message underneath was I felt alone. I felt abandoned and I don't want to feel abandoned. I want to feel connected. If you are feeling anxious about something. Fear then the underlying message usually is. I want to feel safe and I don't know if I can feel safe because I felt like I was headsets. So what's really important is that you feel the feelings, but you also read the underlying message because I guarantee every single emotion has an underlying message for you. And it is the message that you need to get good at reading and really grounding yourself and what those messages are.'cause that's the thing that's really going to take you forward in how you navigate life with this person. And I'm going to slowly move onto step number four and step number four is really about this idea of forgiveness. Now forgiveness, bit of a touchy subject. Some people love forgiveness. Some people hate forgiveness to say you never have to forgive. I am of the camp. That forgiveness system, mandatory bots. We have to consider what forgiveness actually means. So I do believe that forgiveness is necessary. If you are really wanting to move on with your life, if you really want to feel empowered. Forgiveness is mandatory, but less talk about why it's mandatory and in what way it's mandatory. There's some people will say, no, it's more empowering to not forgive. I would disagree because that depends on what we're actually talking about here. So forgiveness. Is really about accountability. It's not about being complacent. It's not about saying it didn't matter. Say it, forgiveness does not equal forgetting. Actually, if you forgive, you never forget. Forgiveness is not about not doing anything. It's not about saying that it doesn't matter. It's not about saying that I didn't get hurt. It's not about saying that you're okay doing these things. Actually you can forgive somebody and hold them accountable. You can forgive somebody and say, you really had me. And this is completely unacceptable. You can forgive somebody. And also make them pay for it like that is possible. Right. And so forgiveness is really about accountability. And I want to hold accountability on two aspects. Two levels really. There is the accountability that you need to hold for yourself. For yourself being in that I am going to watch myself and I'm going to watch what it is that I'm doing. And am I doing this for my best interest? Or am I doing this? Because I'm falling in love with the potential of what this relationship could be. Or am I doing this because I am going into hyper protection mode and I'm wanting to disconnect, even though it might actually be helpful for me to reconnect. So it's super important that you hold yourself accountable and that you are watching yourself and you are saying, am I doing this really for my best interest for my highest good. And so my high school might be actually, I need to pay attention to whether or not I can trust this person with this information. So then it might mean while I have to modulate. So I have to regulate how much it is I shared. Why share this bit? Do I shut up? Do I hold back? What is it that I do? Because. That is really going to be in your best interest. So that is really accountability and that is really forgiveness and that you are forgiving yourself. For the misunderstanding. That led to your victim hood to let that led to your injury, your forgiving, your misunderstanding, that caused you so much injury that stayed. In this situation of pain, that is the thing that you are forgiving for yourself. Now the second layer of forgiveness is accountability. Tooled Sila Pessin. So the accountability would be while. What you did really, really head. And the only way that I'm willing to move forward is to hold you accountable is to hold you accountable for the past pain that you caused. So I need you to set with me in that pain. But I actually don't need you to validate me because I know that my pain is real, but I do need you to understand and to really empathize what it is that you did, what it is that equals. And if you really want this to move forward. Then I really need to see something that is different and I need to see something that is different consistently, repeatedly, and I need to be able to lean into trusting you. So I'm willing to trust you 1% so that I can build on that. But you also have to show me that I can trust you. And when you're doing that, you are holding them accountable on so many different levels because it's not just how it is that they interact with you, but you're also watching how it is that they interact with the world that aren't cheap. Is this the type of person that you would want to invite into your life? Is this the type of person who you would welcome, who you believe is reliable? He's consistent. He's trustworthy. And who has changed their behaviors is that. Pessin really different to what you've experienced in the past. Cause bearing mind, you are navigating to. Relive your past relationship with this person, things are navigating to go back to how they used to be as much as you would like them to the Disha knots. And they shouldn't because that's what led to the breakdown of the relationship. That's what led to the distance. So you're wanting to build some embetter y'all want, since you built something, why you are empowered and you feel happy and you feel protected and you feel strong, but also you can really be present in those moments. So that's really what forgiveness is about. It's about accountability. It's not about any of the. Complacency or anything like that? It is truly about accountability. Number five. It's all about time. And I'm not saying that time is the healer of everything because healer is the healer of everything, right. You need to heal in order to heal. It's not just time. But time is powerful in the sense that you all going to need time to watch. You all going to need time to see how life unfolds with this individual? And so how that works is that you are. Sharing something, or you are doing something that feels safe for you where you feel protected, but this person has entered. And, you know, you're doing little bits with them. And you watch, you watch their response. You watch how they are. And if you're watching for long enough and they've consistently shown a particular part of themselves. That is nice. That is acceptable. That is supportive. That is risk. That is respectful. That, uh, all of the things that you're wanting, if you witnessed that. And it feels good. Then you can share a little bit more and you can share a little bit more and you can share a little bit more. But you can only have a D that whilst you wait in time, so time has to be an element. Well, some people might ask. How long and my response would be well, how long is a piece of string? And this is really pest independent. This is really relationship dependent. But one thing that I would say is that you really need to operate within the edges. So what I mean by that is that there is a risk when you all building relationship, when you are reconnecting, when you all going through the process of building up that trust again, You are very, very Huston and you go so slow. So I've worked with many couples, why they have many ruptures and it's kind of not strange, but they feel like they're strangers living in the same house. But anyway, when they are going through this process of rebuilding trust. They go extremely, extremely slow. And that is constant testing. There is constant watching and waiting and seeing how their response is. And it just feels like a perpetual test that is exhausting. And if you're in that phase, you want to have going to be full with. But then also, if you're in the face, what you move too quickly. You are risking not really rebuilding trust, any kind of doing it, just because you feel a bit pressured to do it, but you yourself are not present. So, this is the thing that I would say you have to operate within the edge. Aunt's the edge. So if you imagine. The layers of what feels okay. And what does not feel. Okay. So we're really talking about the window of tolerance. So there will be set and things that you feel absolutely okay. With in terms of sharing. So these will be things that are very innocuous things that don't really Matsa. That are just very basic. But then there will be certain things that just feel a little bit edgy. So the things that are a little bit edgy tend to be things that make us feel a little bit vulnerable. Now we have to figure out what feels safe enough to share that is a bit vulnerable, but also what's not safe to shop for us. So for example, if you all with somebody and you feel that you've been abandoned by them, well, they weren't really available for you when you needed them to be there for you. Now, the thing that you might feel vulnerable towards is actually how much do I shop? Because I don't trust whether or not this person is going to be that full me, because there's been times when they've not. But I trust that they all good with problem solving. All right. So I could say something to them like, oh yeah. Well, you know what? I'm trying to configure my schedule with the kids with work with this project, or I'm trying to configure, you know, these things with. Uh, Sesson. Tasks that I'm doing, and I'm trying to build up my career or I'm trying to do this. And, you know, they might be pretty good as a sounding board. And so I might kind of work on some of the edges around that or shat part of my edge with that individual. Something that feels safe, but also something that doesn't feel too risky. And the more that I can do that. The more, I can actually expand my edge because if I do that and I see that their response is really nice and it's safe and it's containing and it's consistent, it's reliable. It's trustworthy. If I D that's and receive that, then my adjunct she expands. And so then I might teach a little bit with something that's slightly more. Emotive all slightly more vulnerable. And if I receive good feedback, then great. I can expand that a little bit more. Share a little bit more. And that's really how it works. So the thing about time is that yes, you will have to spend time. Shaq watch SHA watch Shah watch that will have to happen, but it's, you also might need a helping hand. So this is really with our appeal. Coaching comes in. Very very helpfully becayse actually you can figure out, well, what is the edge? What would be okay, what is my stuff? What is the stuff that's been with this person? What's that stuff? And you can then really gain some clarity in terms of what is actually appropriate and what is going to be most helpful for you, but also what is going to potentially put you at risk. So, those are my five stages in summary is safety. So fiscal and psychological safety, the second one is about what you can trust and what you don't trust. The third is about acknowledging your emotions and the messages. Fourth is about. Well forgiveness, but really it's not accountability. And the fifth is really about watching. How things unfold with time. If any of what I've spoken to you about has resonated with you. Please get in touch. And sorry, I keep banging on about this, but I'm just so excited. Um, I've got my Bali retreat coming up in August. It is. Uh, super lush wellness retreats. We all going to be doing so many mindset, activities, and workshops that will be daily yoga, daily massages, organic food, beautiful scenery. I absolutely got all the weight. And spaces are going really, really fast. So if you all wanting to join, please get in touch. I'm more than happy to discuss this with you. But I would say please get on board as soon as possible, And if you found it useful, why not share it with a friend because I bet you that they will find it useful too. And finally. If you are interested, I have got a free quiz on it. Your relationship health down in the show notes below. So hit the link and take the quiz. Why not have a bit of fun with that and let me know how you get on until the next time. Take care.