How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: The Body Keeps Score, Infidelity, Deceit, and Insecure Attachment

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationships, success tribes. So good to have you Ark, because today we are going to be talking about the issue of how to rebuild trust. In a relationship. On the principles that I'm going to be talking about can be applied to a multiple of different relationships. So we're not just talking about intimate ones. But it could be family. It could be coworkers. It could be a friend, but ultimately it's when we feel. Uh, insecure when we have had an experience with this person that has led us to feel. Uh, unable to really trust them. Maybe there was an issue of a lying of deceit, of infidelity, of cheating, of social humiliation. Maybe there was a situation that was really disruptive. And we're trying to work through that, and we're really trying to rebuild that connection and that trust with them. So this is really for, I would say two main categories of people. It's full people who have experienced a significant rupture. In that relationship on there wanting to work through it, by the way, both people in that relationship, all wanting to work through that rupture. Um, both people want to work towards building trust. So that's one situation. The other category of people that this talk would be helpful for are people who may already be. Quite fragile. And they may have had a history of difficulty trusting people, and that might be G2, an insecure attachment style. It may be that they've had repeated injuries from past relationships that have made it so difficult for them to trust their partner or to trust somebody else. That actually the coming from a place of high sensitivity. And also high insecurity. And that in itself makes it harder to trust. Anyway. So the principles I'm going to be talking about really would be applied to both categories of people. So if you fit in one of those two categories, this. This is definitely for you. Now. What is trust and why do we need it? Well, let's actually start off with why we need it. We need trust so that we can be authentic in a relationship. And authenticity is so vital in a relationship. The reason being is that it enables us to really act our authentic selves, our genuine selves within the relationship. And we aren't working through a myriad of different filters. We can just say what we see. We can say what we feel. We can say what we think and our values, and we can express ourselves. Without necessarily. Walking on eggshells or without limitations without feeling that we're having to To somebody else's rules. All the time, because actually we are valid as a human being and we all accepted. It also means that in a relationship we can be held with safety with that person. The moment that we trust somebody. We know that they are going to keep us safe. We know that they're all going to hold our vulnerabilities. Our authentic self with compassion and with love, we know that we will be accepted by this person. We know that when not going to risk humiliation or judgment or rejection, or being put down on neglect by this person. So trust is one of the fundamental foundations. Of building a healthy and happy, secure relationship. But unfortunately trust does get disrupted. And the level in which we can express our authentic selves in a relationship is really correlated with how much we trust the person. So for example, if I trust you a hundred percent, I feel okay. Sharing a hundred percent, I feel okay. Exposing myself because I know you are going to keep that safe. And I mean, safe on all levels, fiscal on psychological and emotional safety. But if I only trust you 50%. Then I'm going to be holding back. I'm going to be reserved and I might share 50% of myself. Oh, in fonts actually, I'll probably be sharing less than 50% of myself. And the reason being is because I don't know if I can trust you or not. And so I'll share the bits that feel okay. The bits that won't hurt me because they're neither handle that to me. It's not something that necessarily triggers me. It's not necessarily something that I feel sensitive about. So I'm okay. Sharing those things, but I'm not okay. Sharing my vulnerabilities. And it's the vulnerabilities really? That make us human. It's the vulnerabilities that really create that closeness within the relationship, the ability to share and express our vulnerability with somebody. And we know that that's going to be held with love and compassion and security. That's the thing that really creates a bond and a close, healthy relationship. So it's important to consider that however much I trust you. That's how much I'm going. Share. All less than that. And. That's really a protective mechanism, but it might not necessarily be that helpful for a relationship that we're wanting to build a, wanting to grow. Now. When we're talking about. What is trust? Trust is really this idea that I can sit with you. And I know. That you are going to hold me with safety. I'm not just talking about fiscal safety, I'm talking about emotional safety. I'm talking about mental safety. And it's the stuff that I don't see. That's the, that's the core issue that we're dealing with here. And it's interesting because whenever I see clients and ask them about this issue of trust and how much she trusts that your partner will keep you safe. You know, typically people will say to me, oh yeah, no, I do trust that. They'll keep me safe. And often when people say that there aren't, you're referring to physical safety. So I trust that my partner won't hurt me in a fiscal standpoint. And of course, if they are hurtful, if there is fiscal abuse, if there's anything like that, of the salts, that's something that's completely unacceptable. And that's something that really needs to be dealt with. But let's say that's not the case. And you know, w we're talking about issues where there's been lying. This been deceit has been something that's been an emotional rupture and I'll ask the question of, well, how safety feel with them. And they'll say, well, I trust them. I trust them. I trust that they'll pay the bills. I trust that they'll look after the kids. I trust that they will be at home at seven o'clock when they say that there'll be at home. And what the ranch you're referring to are physical, practical elements that they trust. It's the stuff that they see that. Then I'll say to them, well, what about the stuff that you don't see? And that's really where things become a lot more challenging because we're really talking about the emotional realm of being safe and not something that's hard smasher. But it's something that we know within our guts. So our gut instinct is vital. And I would say that your gut instinct. Is one of the most important things for you to pay attention to because it holds the key far more than your conscious mind would. Our body always keeps score and your body will absolutely know what is happening at any point when your nervous system is activated. It is that in action to tell you something, you just need to get good at reading the signal in. Am I being activated because of an issue that's happening right now, or am I being activated because of an issue historically? Eh, but either way, it's saying to you that you need to figure out a way of feeling. Psychologically and emotionally safe. And so whether it be resolving issues of the past, past traumas that are somehow being listed here, Or if it's actually talking about resolving issues of current traumas, And current issues of inconsistency and the relationship that really needs to be dealt with. Right now let's move on to, how do you rebuild trust? And I really want to boil down this idea of building trust in three main categories. The wrong, realistically many, many other categories, and it will kind of be touching on them to some degree or another. I. But just for simplicity. Um, because of time, I'm going to be talking about three main categories. Now the first category. Is really about competence. Second category is about Goodwill and the third category is about integrity. So competence, Goodwill, and integrity. Now, what are we talking about? So, The first category of competence. Competence really refers to the ability of me and you. The, the couple that was talking about. The ability to be a hundred percent transparent. A hundred percent transparent now. That means that we would have had to do work on ourselves independent of the relationship. That means that we have to be okay. Processing emotions. So this unmute into the issue of. Insourcing our emotional processing ability. So, uh, I'll just kind of paint this out with an example, cause it'll make it a bit easier to understand. Now I get a loss of couples. Well, this has been something huge. Let's say there was lying. Well, let's say there was infidelity. And in France. I'll refer to a specific couple that I worked with historically. So there was an issue in fidelity and they really wanted to make things work. They really wanted to make things work and they had kids together and they just wanted to rebuild that relationship. And by the way, it's absolutely possible to rebuild that relationship after such a huge event. But. The issue is really about competence and that ability to process emotions and to regulate emotions. And what often happens. So it was the, it was a woman who was the wife who had cheated on her partner in this case. But what would happen was that. Whenever. There was another issue that, that came up in the relationship, even though. It had nothing to do with the infidelity. It was just issues of, okay, I got back home late from work and, you know, I just caught, caught up or I was meant to message you at 12 and I forgot. I'm really sorry. And, you know, she, she was kind of trying her best to resolve some of these issues. But often what she was doing was that she was forgetting about the fact that her husband was really injured in that moment. And she was scrambling around trying to fix things, but she was trying to fix things more to alleviate high guilt. As a priest Chu, really being with her partner and really seeing what he needed in that moment. And so that, that's what I'm talking about. Emotional insourcing versus outsourcing. So what she was actually doing was she had this huge, guilty feeling. Understandably. So. And she's scrambling around trying to fix up. But she was actually fixing it for herself because she couldn't tolerate this idea of guilt. And all the feeling of Gail. And so she was almost like placing this outwards away from her as a priest to. Sitting with the guilt. Earning up to it, feeling it. And really syncing with her husband and appreciating the impact that this had on him. And even though. There wasn't, you know, there weren't any other instances of infidelity after that. And it was, it was just kind of normal ish. Issues day to day issues that he'd become so sensitive. That she was kind of struggling to sit with that sensitivity, but the sensitivity was to do with the post-trauma between them and they just haven't gotten to a place of resolving it. So it was really about that, that we needed to get back to. And. This really relates to a person's competence. So that competence of being a hundred percent transparent all the way. It also refers to the person's ability to really regulate their emotions and figure out, well, what is it that I need to sit with and what is it that I need to deal with? Because this is my emotion and this is my doing, and this is my responsibility. This is my. Uh, issue that I need to take accountability for versus what is yours? And as opposed to forcing and rushing the other person into, Hey, let's just make this work somehow. And you scrambling around trying to fix things instead of going through that as a rushed phase. It's really about sitting with the impact. And that might mean that sometimes you have good days and sometimes you have bad days and you fluctuate. But as time goes on, if you really all competent in both exposing everything. Being fully transparent and you are competent in holding emotions and holding space. So this is really about emotional intelligence and emotional resilience and mental fitness. If you're really good at those things, then as time goes on, you would have more good days than bad days. So it's really about your ability to be big enough. To deal with the issue. Right. And finally talking about contents. It's about your ability to have the hard conversation. And your ability to hear the hard conversation. At some point when you're trying to repair this relationship, when you're trying to repair this rupture of a issue of trust. That will be hall conversations that will be sets and things that you do not want to hear. And there will be certain things that you do not want to say. Right. Uh, but we have to say it and we have to hear it. And the reason why I was saying it and hearing it isn't because we are wanting to remain stuck. Isn't because we are wanting to remain in the pain. But actually the reason why we need to say in here, those things is because that is a bigger goal out that, and the big goal is I want this relationship to work, or at least I want to give it the best possible chance of it working. And the only way that I can give it the best possible chance of it working is to be a hundred percent transparent. And that's even saying the stuff that I really don't want to say. Say. And, you know, I'll often have people where they'll say to me. Yeah. But you know what? My partner doesn't see. And doesn't know about it. And doesn't hear about that. Hurt them. But if I do tell them that will hurt them. And maybe. My response has maybe. But that's not the point. The point is that if there is something that's hidden a guarantee, at some point it will come out. And it will come out, even in the non-spoken. So your partner will get a vibe. They will get a gut feeling. They will know just true hormonal and energetic perspective. They will absolutely know that there is something. And even if. They don't pick it up, then something will come out later, later down the line. So it does not serve you whatsoever. What would serve you is a hundred percent transparency. And the reason being is that the moment that you are a hundred percent transparent and you're having those difficult conversations and saying those things that you don't want to say. Actually what you're teaching between the lines. What you're teaching your partner and yourself is that you both have the capacity of having a hard conversation, but also you have the capacity of really growing that. And risking everything. Because you are. That determined to build up trust. Whereas often people don't want to risk anything and they think that that's how they'll build up trust. But no, that's incorrect. That's actually counterintuitive. The reason why you end up building up trust. Is because you are willing to lose everything because trust is the main goal here. And it's in the hope for a better relationship. You're not wanting to go back to how things were. The reason why things broke down in the first place was because there was no trust because there was. And things that were hidden. That's the reason why trust broke down. So if you're trying to rebuild trust by hiding things like what you doing. That's just not the way to go about answer. Okay. Second point second point is really about good. Well, so what am I talking about? I'm really referring to this issue of benevolence. And how we end up seeing it in the relationship. Now. When. Uh, ruptured has happened and there's been a breaking of trust or your partner is perhaps insecure. Or I'm insecurely attached. What happens is that we end up focusing in our there on impact or intention of what happened. And interestingly, whenever we judge other people, we always judge them based on the impact of their actions. But whenever we judge ourselves, we always base. That judgment of ourselves on our intention. Now here's the difference. If we're judging somebody, if we're judging our partner for what they did and the impact that they cost on us, we can finger point all day long and we'll say you've got bad. You know, your impact was horrendous. Your impact was horrendous. But if I'm on the other side and I was the person who did the, uh, deceitful, the lying or breaking of trust, then I might judge myself on the intention and I say, oh, well, it didn't mean to hurt you to the level that I did hurt you. Um, you know, I did something in his socks and it wasn't okay. And I'm sorry in all the rest of it, but I didn't mean to hurt you to this degree. And here's where the discrepancy is. So how do we get through this issue of Goodwill and. Really supporting the growth of the relationship and supporting trust. It's first of all, we have to sit with the impart. Both people in that relationship must sit with the impact. And we have to sit in the pain. We have to sit in the ugly and the sticky. We just have to do it. And after we've done that. We can then start observing how we are acting in the relationship. And if we need to take it day by day, take it day by day. If we need to take it even hour by hour, we take it hour by hour, but we need to see how we're acting in that relationship. And are we doing things in good will for our partners? So for the relationship. For the building of trust. Are we doing good things for our partner and supporting their wellbeing and making sure that they're okay. Even if we have to do something that is not necessarily comfortable. So for example, like I mentioned before, you have that hard conversation and you don't want to have that. The reason why you have it is actually due to Goodwill. So it's to say, I respect you so much. That I want you to be okay. Being in a relationship with me. And here is the thing that I need to share with you. It's not going to be easy to hear, and it's not easy for me to say to you, but I'm just telling you this because I respect you so much that I want you to have full decision over why you want to take this relationship and what you want to do. And that's the reason why I'm sharing. And that is doing it in. Good. Well, and that is crucial because you're exposing yourself. You're risking so much. And the hope for something better to happen. And the other thing about Goodwill is you also see in day-to-day interactions. So for example, when you are. At whack and things are really busy, but you told your partner earlier that day that you would send them a message or you'd give them a call at 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock rolls around. You don't do it because you're swamped with work. You forget. You get called into a meeting, something else happens now what's important is that you then call them the next time or the next opportunity that you get. Because even though you might forgotten in that moment, your really trying to compensate for it and you doing that in good. Well, And if there's a front Jeff, as a rupture, you can talk about that and you're, you're open to that discussion, but the more often that you do these things, the more that they will see that you are acting in benevolence. So that, that is something really good that you're putting out that in good faith, that the relationship will flourish. Now third point is really about consistency. And I would actually say is consistency and reliability. So the difference. Is consistency is to say I do, as I say. Reliability is to say. I say and do the same thing. Every single time I met with the situation. So it's not that I respond this way in one instance and respond in this way and another instance, but I'm actually the same across the board. And I do what I say. That is important for building integrity, integrity for us because we know we all a man or woman, according to our word, but we know that. But. We can also see, or our partner can also see in us. That we are trustworthy, that we're transparent, that we all working really hard to ensure that we all doing what we say. And we are being consistent with that. We're being reliable with it, and we're doing this at a very deep core level. As. Time goes on when the rupture has occurred or let's say I'm insecurely attached to them with my partner. Now when the rupture is occurred or I'm insecurity touched in that moment. That is typically a high level of anxiety. And I might be really, really needy for a lot of evidence that my partner truly wants to be with me. All that I can trust my partner or I don't trust my partner, but ultimately there's this huge level of emotional need for something. Now the thing is, is that that's not going to get resolved in a short space of time. And you can be. So the person who's kind of committed the act committed the injury. You can be as transparent as you want to be at the start, but if it's not consistent, if it's not maintained, It's not going to make a difference. And if you're saying, sorry, without change a Yan, is it really a, sorry, is it really an apology? It doesn't really mean anything. And your partner would see you as not really having that integrity. And that's really when you risk losing the relationship. So. The thing about emotional need. So the person who's needy. What then needing or that actually needing, but they might not quite know this yet or might not quite get there yet. Is they on eating a prolonged period of time where they see consistency and reliability, they say is see that you do, as you say, every single damn time. And every single time and every single day that you all met with the situation you act exactly the same as you did the day before. And that is it. You all. How you all, and the reason our guest swag. I'm not having to do mental mathematics to try and figure out what's going on inside of your mind. I can just see it. And I can just know that this is what's happening. And you might have to share a lot of this to begin with and it might happen more and more often as time goes on. But actually give it a few months, give it a year, couple years. Everybody's timescales a bit different. But after a while, then trust is naturally built because we ended up with the sense of security. We ended up with a sense of safety. Okay. Spoken about these three points. So competence. Uh, Goodwill on consistency and reliability. So those are the three things that's really important for you to keep in mind. And that's for both partners. But I'm going to tell you about a really sneaky pink flag. Really sneaky pink flag that a lot of people will miss out on. And this is really an issue of timing. Many couples I work with really want to get out of this as soon as possible. They all wanting to build trust today that tomorrow everything's perfect. It's hunky-dory. No questions asked. And I would love it if it was that easy, but it really isn't. And, you know, I'll get couples where, for example, There'll be a huge rupture. There'll be something. And a month down the line, two months down the line, and they'll say, you know what? We're watching. In a much better place. Three months down the line Mellon. You know what things are getting back to normal on? I feel okay. I feel safe all rest of it. And as much as I really want to be on board with that. And I think, great, you are making progress. So, you know, Hats off to you for doing the things that you've been needing to do. I will also say it is a roller coaster ride and it is not fixed in a short space of time. Like it really, really isn't. And I would say that you actually need about nine months to a year to really, really seek consistent behavior in order for you to actually get to a place of psychological safety. So you are needing a good chunk of time. It's not going to happen in the space of a couple months. And, you know, some couples that might take even longer. Right? So, but, but the, the, the reason why I'm even saying this is for you to really watch out for that rapid progression into building trust. And I'm not here to be an active Nancy as well, but the reason why I'm saying this is because. Actually we build trust. Well, wanting to build trust, but trust happens on so many different levels. So like I mentioned earlier, there's fiscal trust. So practical measures in the household or things that you share, but then there's the emotional trust and the emotional trust. I would argue that sort harder. So the emotional trust is that you have to trust. That they will keep you psychologically safe, which means they attend to your needs. Which means that there is no malice, that there is no hats involved. That you can share you can't expose. So that's really important. But also. You all wanting to build trust and what you don't see. And that's really key. So a lot of the things that we've been talking about is building trust in what you do see. So the fact that you see them. Doing as what they say every single day. So you visibly see that you visibly see that they are competent in regulating their emotions. You visibly see that they are able to have those difficult conversations. Those are the things that you can see the measurable quantifiable, and that's great for the initial bit of building up trust. But actually when we're talking about the second phase of building trust, It's about the stuff that you don't see that. That they have been out and you don't see them 24 7 because you can't have surveillance on them. But you feel trust and you'll never system is regulated, you know, in your guts that it's okay and that you're safe and you know that you have power. And this is really an issue of feeling empowered yourself. So if you're the person who's been injured in this position, Actually it's about how do you do that? Vibrational clearing, how do you really heal your nervous system so that you can come from a place where it feels clean so that you are not constantly debating and batting about. These different worries and different dolts inside of your mind, but you can really come out, sit with a clean slate. Now, if anything that I've spoken about in this episode has resonated with you, please get in touch. And I am so excited to be talking about my retreat that is in Bali this year, it is open to the public. Uh, but the wrong, very limited spaces. So if you are interested, please send me a message or just to fill out the form on the link in the show notes below. And I would be more than happy to talk to you through it is about building up that mental resilience. It is building up trust on building up a healthy and happy relationship. And it's really about supporting youth thrive in whole areas of life. So, if you're interested, I hope to see you that. But until next time. Take care.