Empty Nest Syndrome, Parenthood, Death of Self

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello. And welcome to today's episode. So good to have you here, my friends, because today's a bit of a different episode, slightly different to what I usually talk about. Which is romantic relationships. Uh, very important to all of us, but this one is actually did you with a parent and child relationship? And the reason why I am doing suppsoed is because I was asked to do it by one of the listeners. And he was telling me a little bit about his situation. And I thought to myself, you know what? This is going to resonate with so many people. If you're a parent. This definitely hearing to resonate with you. If you are a parent of an adults, you'll relate to this more. If you're a parent of a child. Oh, wait and watch this space because this is gonna be happening for you as well. But anyway, let's dive in. So what was the situation? And it was a listener and mom, parent. He is. Sixties. Uh, and he's called Delta. And he was saying to me, I don't know what to do. This is a really difficult phase in my life because I'm at the stage. Y I'm noticing my age more. And I'm also new to saying issues around mortality, but I'm also new to saying that I I'm entering this new era. I have been a father for decades. And my daughter has left the nest. She's guessing married. And I'm so happy for her, but at the same time, what the hell do I do? What do I do with myself? And it brought up all of these different questions. So I'm really green Chibi dissecting some of these elements because some of them may resonate with you. All of them may resonate with you, but it's just stuff that's really important for us to consider. Now the moment that you have a child. And one parents start near this, or they might cognitively know this, but emotionally, they really struggled to actually deal with that and integrate it. But the moment that you have a child. You need to realize that they owe you nothing. Regardless of how old they got. They owe you. Absolutely nothing. And so the moment that you hop your child, You are constantly pouring into them and you're pouring into them because you have brought this being this innocent, vulnerable creature. Into the swelled. And you have to fund for them. You have to provide for them. You have to develop them. You have to nurture them. You have to make sure that they're okay. You are constantly pouring into this, being that as a part of you. But you also have to know and deeply know that there is no expectation that they are going to give you anything back because actually they don't have to. They do not owe you anything. However, however, here's the key. If you have done your job correctly. And you have really cultivated this nurturing, supporting, loving relationship. While there are healthy boundaries, there is respect. That is trust. There are security, right? So you're doing the hard on the good, but if you're really doing lots and you're doing that, not with the objective of them living you, but you're doing that with the objective of them being nurtured and then fully forming is a great human being then. They will want to spend time with you. The objective isn't that you are creating this relationship for this child and you're constantly giving and that you go without set. They're not actually. As much as they don't owe you anything. You're cultivating something that is far greater so that when they are old enough, when they do have the choice of just leaving the house and medical and you again, when they do have an option, actually they choose to call you. They choose to say, Hey, let's go out for lunch. Hey, you know why. One on the state and it really sucked, or, Hey, I really want to ask you about this opinion. This thing happened in work, but that's what you're working towards. You're cultivating and you're nurturing a relationship for it to grow in a particular direction. And that is something that is crucial for you, right? So you don't doing it for the hearing now you're not doing it with the expectation that you'll get something mad, but actually you are creating this lifelong relationship with this human being that they would choose to want to be with you. Even at a point when they don't need you. Uh, not as really keen. That is something that is obviously peaceful because how peaceful is that they want you and they don't need you. Like they want to hang out with you. They won't do. Your essence and they respect you enough to call you up to really get your opinion on certain things, to hang out with you, to have that special moment, that special bond on top of the inside jokes, you know, that's really important. So, you know, that's something that's really, really crucial. But. Understandably when your child leaves the house. It creates this massive void. And the reason being is that you have worked so hard as a parent. And I would argue parenthood is one of the hardest jobs out there, hands down. Because if you were to imagine parenthood was rescinded the job description. The dock drop description would read. It's a 24 hour job. You don't get any pay. You don't get sick leave. You don't get any form of leave whatsoever. You'll be vomited on. You'll have other bodily fluids on you. You're going to have to clean up. You're going to have to be the show failure. You're going to have to be the policy entertainer. You're going to have to spend a lot of money in this job and you're going to be sleep deprived on you just have to deal that with happy face. And also on top of that, you have to cook and clean and do the laundry about 50 times a day. All right. If I was in a job description. I guarantee no one would be applying for that job. No one would, but. Many people go into parenthood. Right? And that's exactly what it is. So. You get into this position where you are constantly doing you, won't constantly busy and you may have thought that you were busy before parenthood, but believe me, parenthood, just like, you know, you just like. Going up the scale of busy-ness so fast, but. You are in this position where you all programmed as parent, you are constantly doing, you're constantly nurturing. You're constantly on the go. That actually your identity shifts. And I'll be honest, when I entered parenthood. I kind of knew I was exp. I knew what I was in fall, but I didn't appreciate the degree. And I didn't appreciate it from an emotional standpoint because I, because it didn't do, I, I haven't experienced it yet. Right. You only know when you actually go through the thing, that's the only time that you can feel something. And. I knew that there was nothing in my life that was going to stay the same. But I also didn't appreciate that I would have to die in the process of being a parent. And I know that that might sound extreme. And you got a lot of people out loud say, oh, but you find yourself again. And you know, you start feeling like the old you again, after how many years of being a parent. I would heavily disagree still. I would heavily disagree. Because the reality is that you will not, you, you are not the same human being. You cannot fundamentally be the same human being, the moment that you become a parent, the you that existed before parenthood seizes to exist. Like you are no longer that. And this new version of you gets rebirthed this version that becomes an extension of the child. Bearing in mind, I'm saying that you are an extension of your child as opposed to the child being an extension of you, because what happens is that the moment that child is born, because they are so pure, so innocent, they have not yet experienced the world. What actually happens the way that they respond to anything is actually a lesson for you. So the moment that you notice yourself feeling triggered or feeling activated or feeling frustrated or angry or upset, or any of those things with your child, because they're not playing ball, how you want them to play. Actually, it's not down to the child. It's not the child's responsibility, but it's up to you as a parent to really pay attention to what lesson it is that you have to learn from this. It was, let's say if a child. Is obsessing you in some way. Because they want the sky to be pink and it's not it's blue. Right. Let's say also an example. And I going on and on about that and the throwing a tantrum, because, you know, spaghetti is the wrong color or whatever it might be then. You're getting upset and I'm Greer, balsa, and then you're getting in some kind of argument or some kind of debate with your kid. Like. Actually, it looked very mind. We've all been there. So like, This is not a judgmental space, but, but. The actual thing in that moment is it's a lesson for you to learn. Actually, what is it like to let go? What is it like to be a bit more playful? What is it like to not get embroiled in the minutia of certain things? What is it that's keeping you holding onto this idea of winning the debate? Why is it that you. Just don't feel comfortable that you know what you know, and you know, that that is ultimate truth. Like w w what is it that's going on inside of you? Because in like the example moments. We're not to BC with a child. We're not arguing with a child like that. That's just a ridiculous thing to even get into. But a lot of parents get into that. But actually in that moment, it's really about how is it that we become full and we become whole as an entire human being. So the, actually the, you, that is. Post parenthood is very, very different. Pre parenthood and. The way that you would ideally develop as a parent. Is that you recognize that you become an extension of your child, your child is actually showing you so much about the world that you did not see and did not appreciate before. And believe me, I have learnt so much from my daughter. More than she will ever know more than she'll ever appreciate, but I've learnt so much about myself. Through watching her. And. It's been hard. I've grieved a lot about myself, my pre, uh, pre parenthood phase. But I've also developed massively differently. And when you are entering this phase of parenthood, It's hard. You become a different person. Your identity is so wrapped up in parenthood, but as your kids grow older and they're spending more time with their friends, they weave outs, they might buy their own place or they might start a. The rune family, they might get married. They might have kids, whatever it might be. Actually your role then shifts. And you'll left this huge space. And the huge space is really created because. You've been so embroiled and parenthood, you've lost who you are. You've lost your own autonomy or sense of identity because you have had to be available 24 7. For anything and everything. And then all of a sudden you don't have, you don't have that job. Like you've reached retirement age in that job. Then wall. And that void really scares people. And what I would really say in this moment, it's important for you to consider this issue of Pappas. Now. Uh, whether or not you're consciously aware of it, we are constantly in a pursuit of our purpose. Why are we here? What is it that fulfills us? What is it that we feel meaning tools? Where is it that we feel mercy content's and it really goes census thing of purpose. So what is our purpose as a parent? Your purpose is to be a parent. You just have to be available. I'm like all the time. Right. Even, even with things that you don't want to be your purpose, but you got to fuck to do it because there are no other options. But when you're entering a different phase and your kids more independent. Then it's really about thinking about your Pappas know your purpose might still be attached to your child. But it might be attached to other things in life. And so. Eh, you know, the thing that I would really talk about and this isn't a spiritual discussion, I'm not here to talk about religion. But I am going to integrate a little bit of any drastic sense of this. It's really about noticing that you as a human being. Factually you are a part of the universe and the universe is something that's so vast. It's so great with infinite possibilities. And by that very virtue, the fact that you are a part of the universe. You also exist in an energetic form as one with the universe. And so it's really important for you to pay attention to your energetic self. self. Now, if this feels a bit too, far-fetched for you, I really just want you to pay attention to your gut feeling. Now, a gut feeling is something that many of us can relate to. And y'all got feeling. Is that intuition is the thing that tells you something that may be your brain, your conscious mind, hasn't had a chance to catch up with, and maybe you don't watch it clean, understand it. You can't quite figure it out, but you just have something in your body that tells you something. It gives you an edge to go in a particular direction or to speak to a particular person or to. A hub. Setan conversation or to do certain voluntary work or to sass out a legacy. You know, all of these things are incredibly important, but all of these things are driven. Intuitively these are all things that are emotionally felt. We somehow come to knowing that it's true, even if we can't quite logically get that. Now this is key. And many people will dismiss it and say, oh, but you know, It's a bit farfetched. I would say, no, absolutely not because your body. Has so much wisdom. Your nervous system has so much wisdom. It will tell you the direction that you need to go into. And it does because you are vibrating. The entire universe is vibrating at a particular frequency, and it is pulling you into a particular direction. So you need to really listen to that gut feeling. And the more that you listen to that gut feeling, the more it will guide you towards a purpose. The more that you listen to your purpose, the more that that void that's been created will then be filled. Because aren't Chile. You then see, it's not avoid. In that it is a scary, dark, a Bess with nothingness with eternal darkness that that's not the void. Actually the void. Is, Hey, no war. The space here, the space here for me to breathe. Wow. I can actually breathe in this space. He's. And whatever comes up in this space is absolutely welcomed because something will come up and it may fluctuate. Maybe intense one moment. It may be less. So the next moment, but as long as I'm listening to my gut, feeling to my intuition, as long as I'm listening to my emotional plane, that's really green. Shrimi where is I need to go, what it is I need to do. And that's really going to get me in alignment with my purpose. So that's absolutely key. Okay. No. Moving on to this issue of loss and grief, and a really needs to talk about this because this is something that I think is so common for many people, whether or not you need to set whether or not you appreciate it, but it's something that is really significant. Is the issue of loss and grief. So I describe myself as having died when I had my DALSA. And again, I appreciate that's a very loaded statement. But. I and, and, you know, This is personal disclosure and whoever's listening to us. I hope that you treat it with respect, but I know when. I had my daughter and I love her daily. I did love her from the moment that she was here before she was here. When she was in my room. I, I, I did, I did. So this isn't anything to do with her. But I was devastated about losing myself because. I did not expect that. I thought I would be a different version of myself. I thought I would be an added version of myself. But I did not appreciate that. I would have do not exist. And I would exist in a different format. I'd be a different person, but I didn't appreciate. Just the level of how I just could not exist. And do you think it's slightly different between men and women, that men sorry, that women experience this a bit more intensely, particularly when. Charles was born. But, you know, men go through similar process. And. This issue of grief? Well, we actually end up grieving at many points. When we have children. Because there are, there are significant grieves, the grievances, but there's also minor ones. So significant grieving period for me was the moment that she was born. That actually me, myself, as an independent individual thought no longer existed. On that no longer can exist either. Because even though, you know, fast-forward have many years, even if my child technically doesn't need me, I still have to be available just in case if she does. All right. So, so it's the same with any parent, but, uh, let's say so. So who I was had to grieve finance, but then, you know, there might be other types of, uh, grieving thrown her age. So I would be grieving when she was a little baby who couldn't do anything when I had to carry her all the time and the night she, she doesn't want me as much. Right. And she's wanting to play with other people. But then I'm also going to have to be grieving when, uh, the all phases, when she might be even more independent, she might end up meeting some day. And again, I'd be having less and less content, or I might be grieving. This a beautiful moments or moments that you used to have with her when there was a lot of closeness when there was a lot of content, when I was doing a lot more and I could see that she really appreciated it and, you know, she would come over and she would give me a hug and do all these different things where it's not, she is. This is an adult. She might not do that. Right. And that's something that we have to deal with. So the thing about loss and grief. It happens frequently and it's the Singapore, the empty nest syndrome. So the, that bus, the ultimate kind of grieving phase that we would go through. So that is when the child leaves the home, the old enough, they end up meeting somebody, they get housemates, they buy new house themselves, whatever it is, but basically they leave the house and that leaving is. Pretty much. Permanent move that they're doing. And all of a sudden, we all left with this empty nest. And then it really brings up a lot of emotions. It brings up a lot. Questions, brings up a lot of doubts, a lot of insecurities. But here's the child that we've worked so hard to nurture for so many years is no longer that. And our purpose has gone. Our identity changes. We don't know who we are anymore, and we're always having to come around trying to find something to make up who we are. And the brain, just from a neurological perspective, the brain does not like open loops. It does not like empty spaces. So the moment that the space is empty, you see that battery. And then along with that, It doesn't like fight. Doesn't know how to deal with that. And so it's ultimately looking for an answer. It's looking for a solution. It's looking, filling that void. But I can also be really hot if you're faced with emptiness because you don't know what to fill it up with. So. As much as we're grieving and we're losing many different things. It's also about recreation. It's also about rebirthing and you also have to be okay with being rebirthed. And the best analogy that I can give you for that is if you mansion that you are sailing around the world and you all the captain of this boats. Now. Every time you are in a stage with your child. It's like, you're going to dark you all going to a particular island. You're on the island and now you'll leaving the island, leaving the island is when we start the grieving phase. But the thing is, is that you can never actually leave the island to go to the next phase, to the next style. And you can never leave if you all still anchored at the dock and it slowly, slight, you are trying to go forward or you're looking forward, you're trying to move the. But instead of boat forward, but you're actually still looking backwards and you're still being tied down behind you. So you're not going anywhere. You're just going to be revving a lot and losing a lot of Pala. And you're not going anywhere. You're just going to be stuck. So that in itself was really problematic. And the thing about grief and loss is whenever there is grief and loss, I would say that is always something to be gained. The moment that we lose something that is something else that is screen show up and it's place. But we only realize that something else is going to show up and its place. If we are open enough for change, if we are open enough. To sitting with the flow of life because life is a flow. We are only going to be able to meet forward if we can allow that wave of life to carry us through. And that we are sitting that in observation of watching and we are watching life unfold. The way it is designed to, and. Again, not super beachy, spiritual hair. Um, if you often great. Hit me up if you are. But, um, but the thing is, is that it's really about recognizing that the more that we are in resistance to change, the more we are actually keeping ourselves stuck. And that's the thing that is going to maintain our distress because. Life is going to change things around us will change. And if we're holding on for dear life to not change. Then we've already lost the game because we're not seeing what beautiful things can be uncovered in the next phase. So we have to be ready and willing. And prepad T. Take the anchor off, put it in the boats and actually just allow ourselves to go onto the next Thailand. Because with every island that we visit with every stage that we visit, there will be something peaceful to discover. We just need to be able to pay attention to what that is. If anything that I've spoken about in today's episode has resonated with you. I have got some really juicy news and I am hosting my exclusive retreat. On wellness in Bali in August this, yes. So if you are interested in building up your mental resilience, your mental fitness, and you all wanting to create a happier and more successful life. And a happier, more loving relationship. Police get in touch. My details are insurance below, or just booking a call. And I'm so excited TV seeing you on the other side.