5 Tips: Take your mediocre relationship to greatness

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome my relationship Success Tribe. So good to have every single one of you here because today we are going to be talking about some real practical tips on how it is that we can shift from a place of. Mediocre that things might be going okay in the relationship. They're not terrible. You're not worried, you're not upset, you're not distressed. But it's just that, right? Like it's just average at the moment and it just feels like you are losing that spark. You are losing that connection and you've just entered this realm of monotony that everything is just the same. Gets a bit dull, gets a bit boring. And how is that you can shift into a secure place? How is it that you can reignite that spark between you two? How is it that you can really and sincerely enjoy one another, but also rediscover each other? So this is really aimed for people who may have been in their relationship for quite some time. So either a number of months, a number of years, maybe even decades. But it's really about how do we rediscover that level of connection? Because emotional connection is the thing that will keep you going in a relationship. That is the thing that is going to stand the test of time. And I have met so many different couples where they come into my clinic and they. Come in, not because things are okay or things are kind of mediocre, but they come in because they're really struggling with something. And so we'll work through the challenges. We'll work through building trust, perhaps building some level of psychological safety and emotional safety. If some. Thing huge has happened, such as betrayal. We work on reestablishing that emotional connection. But after a little while, they start to realize that they're actually rediscovering one another and they know each other, but they also don't know each other. So I'm going to be talking about five practical tips of how you can get from just normal into secure, happy, and reconnected. And by the way. Some of these tips are going to be a little bit challenging to implement. It might provoke a little bit of anxiety, but please lean into it and trust the process because it is going to allow you to enter a realm which is new. But also it is going to allow you to enter a realm of development with your partner and really nurturing and developing this relationship. So first tip is I want you to genuinely and sincerely. Give your partner an unsolicited compliment, and this might sound a bit simple, but it has to be something that is deep and something that comes from the heart, and it's not necessarily something that you would say to your partner often. So it might not be, Hey, you look great today, because that might be something that a lot of us say on a regular basis to our partner. But something that is quite significant. So if you were to step back from the relationship and if you were to look at that person and everything that they've done, whether it be over the weeks, over the months, or even over the years and decades, what significant thing have they done or what significant characteristic do they possess that you admire? And go ahead and talk about how much you admire that action or that characteristic. So for example, saying to them, you know what? I am really proud of you. I'm so proud of you for establishing your work. I'm so proud of you for dedicating yourself. I admire just how charitable you are and how giving you are, and how much you. Really connect with other people, how much you prioritize your friends and family. I really respect how much effort you put into your health, whatever it might be. But I really want you to just step back and really look at your partner in terms of what it is that they do, the characteristics that they possess, and what is it about them that you admire, and it has to be something. About them that is separate to you and separate to the relationship. So for example, if they are somebody who works exceptionally hard, that's great, but that's also something that is separate to you and you don't benefit, you don't gain. You might have kind of, you know, secondary benefits and secondary gains from them working really hard because they're able to contribute more to the household. Or you, you go on nice holidays, whatever it might be, but actually. The purpose of this exercise is to compliment them about who they are, how they are without any involvement from you because you are in admiration of them, and just allow that to sit and. I dunno about other people in different cultures, but I know for example, in the UK we sometimes feel a bit awkward about accepting compliments. And you know what? If you're a people pleaser, if you are a self critic, if you have anxiety, if you've ever questioned your level of worth, you might also just. Reject that compliment and you're not rejecting the compliment, um, out of anything malicious. It's not because you're wanting to be nasty, but sometimes it feels really uncomfortable to accept the compliment. So what I would say for the other person is please just sit with that. What's wrong with saying thank you? What's wrong with acknowledging the hard work? What's wrong with having your partner? Acknowledging your hard work or your good qualities, your good characteristics? What is wrong with being admired? Even if it's just for a moment. So if you are the giver in this situation, the giver of the compliment, please give it and please give it as sincerely and as authentically as possible. And if you're the receiver. Allow yourself to receive because it's so wonderful to receive. And you get a glimpse of how your partner really views you and isn't that wonderful? Because then you can really make an analysis on what it is that they've picked up on and how they feel about you as if you're a separate entity and actually that they admire you, whether or not you are with them. And isn't that peaceful because they still admire you. Even if you weren't together, but they just admire you as a whole individual just on your actions and characteristics. So that in itself is incredible. And when you are doing this exercise, I would also really recommend that you go in openly discussing this, that actually saying, you know what? There's something that I really wanna share with you. It's a compliment because I really appreciate. X, Y, and Z and you can go ahead and dial right into it. Okay, tip number two. Now this one's a little bit of a testy one, so please bear with it, but I want you to spend a bit of time thinking about one small thing that you may have done. That is niggling away at you. And it doesn't have to be something huge, but something that you've done that you know would have either irritated your partner, upset your partner, frustrated them, and it was just an unpleasant experience. And I want you to apologize for that thing. So for example, it might be, you know what, I'm really sorry that I snapped. When I came back from home, uh, from work, I'm really sorry that I just didn't want to really do anything in the house, and I left you to do all the housework and I'm really sorry that, oh, whenever the baby was screaming, I just kind of tried to ignore it and I just left you to deal with it. At that time, whatever it might be. But I want you to sit there and really think about one small thing that you would've done that would've hurt your partner, that would've frustrated them or upset them, and really apologize for that. And here's the thing, I want you to still apologize whether or not it. Did in fact upset your partner, but something that you know that you did that wasn't very nice, so your partner may or may not have been aware. So for example, um, I might leave dishes undone and I just assume that my partner is going to wash up. After me every time, and my partner might be totally okay with it'cause I've done all the cooking and so my partner doesn't even think anything of it. They just think, oh, it's 50 50. But I know it's something that is kind of frustrating and I know that I kind of, you know, have just been ignoring it a little bit and trying to get out of it. Right? We've all done certain things like that as from time to time. So really just sit there and apologize for that thing and. Everybody's got something that they've been avoiding, right? Whether it be even I spent an extra 10 minutes in the car before coming home from work because I just needed to decompress, but that meant that I left you at home with the kids screaming for an extra 10 minutes, and I'm really sorry for that. Whatever it might be, just apologize for it because. That is a huge action in that you started to acknowledge your partner and you are holding them in mind for them. How it registers is that it's not just the apology, but it's actually the recognition of, you know what I, I see it. I hold you in mind and I see how the situation would've been for you, and that sucks, and. I wish it was different. I wish I did something that was different. I'm gonna hold myself accountable for it, and I'm, I'm going to need to change things so that this doesn't repeat itself. That's really what it's about. It's about holding your partner in mind, but it's also about taking on accountability. It's about admitting something that, okay, maybe you didn't even need to admit, but you're doing it because you are wanting to become closer with your partner. Okay. Tip number three, I want you to ask your partner an open-ended question. That you wouldn't normally ask. Now I'm gonna just define what an open-ended question is. An open-ended question is when you ask something, and it's not a simple yes or no answer, it's not a simple one worded answer. You are not giving them a multiple choice, but you are asking something and it allows your partner to sit there. And really think about it and give you a description. So please avoid closed-end questions of, Hey, did you know that I was really upset that time? Yes or no? That's not what we're asking. What we're asking is something much more open-ended so that we can really start to open up a conversation about it. So for example, one open-ended question that I like is, what is one thing that you've wanted to tell me about, but you haven't yet? What is one thing that you've wanted to tell me about? But you haven't yet. So that one thing that they may have wanted to tell you about, but they haven't yet might be, oh, do you know what I, for such a long time. Really wanted to start off this business idea, this idea that I've had for a while, but I've just been too scared. I've been too anxious. Or it could be, you know what? For such a long time, I've just, I've really wanted to lose weight. I've not been happy with the way that I look, and I'm really upset and it really gets to me every day. Or it could be, Hey, you know what? Uh, there's that person that you work with and I get it. You're only colleagues, and I've met this person multiple times before, but it actually really upsets me. Or I can see how many times you message your friends during the day, and I know that you love your friends and you hang out with them, but sometimes I get a bit upset and sometimes I wish you would just show me the same level of attention or you would hold me just as important as your friends. Whatever it might be, but just sit there and listen. So if you're the person who's asking, I really invite you to ask an open-ended question, such as the one that I've mentioned, which is, what is one thing that you wanted to tell me but you never have, or you haven't yet was one thing that you wanted to tell me but you haven't yet. I'd love that question, and it's up to you as the person who's asking. To close your mouth after asking that question and to just listen. And when you are listening, I really want you to listen with the aim of understanding your partner, not with the aim of responding. So for example, if your partner says, you know what? I'm gonna say something, it's probably gonna sound really, really stupid. It's not stupid because they want to say it, and whatever it is that they want to say or need to say, nothing can be stupid. That's part of who they are. That's part of their experience, so you welcome it. And let's say they come out with something like, oh, I see that you hang out with your friends, and I know that you love your friends. They're really important to you. But sometimes I get really upset because it makes me feel like you don't care about me, or I'm not as important to you, or you don't enjoy my company as much as you enjoy their company, and this is for you who's just asked that question. It's not a time for you to start defending yourself. But it's a time for you to start understanding your partner. So if they come out with something like that, then you say, okay, so when did this happen? What was it like for you? What is it that I could have done to make you feel like you are important to me? Because you are important to me. And so it's really about understanding their position, understanding their emotions, and really seeing how it is that you guys can move forward together. How it's that you can really start to nurture something that is much healthier. So that's one particular question that I like. Um, I'll suggest a couple of others just so you can pick and choose for yourselves. One other question that I like to ask is, what is one thing that I've done that has made you feel really safe? What is one thing that I've done that has made you feel really safe? Another question is, what's one thing that I've done that has been really challenging on you? Or what is one thing that I've done that's been really challenging for our relationship? There are you go, there are some questions there that I've suggested. You might want to choose one of those. You might want to make up your own. That's absolutely fine. But I really encourage you to sit there and ask one open-ended question that you don't normally ask. So it's not something like, Hey, what are we gonna have for dinner today? It's something that is unique that you don't normally ask, and it really invites. Your partner into thinking about the relationship and thinking about you in much greater detail. Okay, tip number four, I want you to plan a surprise event trip. Uh, weekend away, or it could be even just a couple of hours doing something and planet is a surprise, planet is a surprise for your partner. And it might be something that takes you back to your early days of the relationship. So, for example, if you met at a particular park, if you had your first date in a particular restaurant, go there. Planet is a surprise on a random day. It doesn't even have to be the weekend. It could be a random Tuesday, but really do something that feels quite unique, but also something that really invites that experience, again, that connection that you had in that moment. Or it could be something like, you know that your partner really likes Japanese food, so then you but yourselves a Japanese cooking lesson together. Whatever it might be, but just plan something that is a surprise for your partner. So it can be big, it can be small, whatever it is that you've got capacity for, but just do that. And it doesn't have to be relating to a particular event. So it doesn't have to be because of a birthday or because of Christmas or Valentine's or whatever it might be, but just do it and. That in itself also signals to your partner how much you're holding them in mind, and in that moment they feel held because you've surprised them with something, but also. You've really considered them, you've really put them at the front and center, and that's something that really supports that level of emotional connection that you are developing and that you are nurturing. So you are getting outta the mundane and you're really stepping into that level of security, but also that secure attachment because a lot of the secure attachment does involve. Empathy and it involves how you are holding the other person in mind, but also how you are co-regulating. So that in itself achieves all of those facets. Okay. Tip number five, after. You've done any of these events or any of these exercises that I've been talking about, I want you to just sit there and really reflect with your partner about how the week has been, and I want you to ask them how the week has been for them, a separate individual, but also how they feel that the week has been. For you two as a couple, or for all of you as a family, but primarily for you two as a couple. So if you've got kids, great. They might be involved in the conversation, not say that they're involved. Discussing it with you, but you might be referring to them. You might be talking about'em in terms of how things have been with the family and with the kids, but really you are wanting to focus in on how the relationship has been between you two, and whether anything has felt different, whether it's felt good, different, awkward, different. We are different, happy, different, sad, different, challenging, different, but. How has that week been for you, and how was it when you did that exercise? Did you like the exercise? Did you dislike it? Was it a bit strange? Did it force you to step out of your comfort zone? And if it did, it's that good thing, but really reflect on that week and on the experience that you guys have had that exercise. Because the more that you're able to reflect on that, then you are really able to take on board a lot of the lessons that you would've learn from it. So what is there that would have supported you? What is it that you're wanting to take forward? What is it that you are wanting to do more of? But also take it as a learning lesson. Take it as an opportunity to identify, you know what I. Didn't even realize we were stuck in this rut. I didn't even realize that. We haven't really done anything that's been that fun for a long time. Or I didn't realize that we just forgot to talk. Like we forgot to have in-depth conversations about how life is for one another or what is it that we see in each other. It, I forgot to really show you how much I appreciate you just as a separate human being and I forgot what it was like to be admired and we had all of these things when we initially. Got into this relationship. There might have been times when you look back at the early days of the relationship where we used to talk all night and we used to get really excited over the small things together, and we've lost that. That's really sad. But you know what? Doing this exercise has really showed me that this is something that's really important to us, and this is something that I really want to hold onto. This is something that I want to repeat time and time again. So please take these exercises as one of two things. Either it's going to help you in getting you what it is that you are wanting, which is emotional connection and closeness and sense of security, or it's going to teach you what it's that you've been missing. It's going to give you a lesson that you needed. In terms of what it is that is missing in the relationship to get you from mediocre to greatness. Now I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this episode, so if you are ever wanting to get out or get in touch, please reach out to me on the details in the show notes below, and I would love to have a conversation with you. Until next time, take care.