Your relationship is BORING (or your partner just irritates you). Reignite the spark.

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome to today's podcast episode where we are going to be talking about the seven year itch, which is essentially an audit that you should be doing in your relationship every seven years. So it is really aimed for people who've been in their relationship long term. So you might be married, you might have kids, you might have grandkids, um, but essentially you have been with your partner for a long. Time and things get stale, things get a little bit mundane, they get a bit boring. You might feel really frustrated. You might feel stressed out. You might notice yourself even being a bit more short-tempered with your partner or vice versa. There are a lot more short-tempered with you. And things are just not the same as how they were when you were first together. Now, often people kind of explain this and just put it down to, oh, well, you know, the honeymoon phase when you first start a relationship with that person, everything is so glorious, it's so glamorous. You are stress free or carefree. You don't have kids, you don't have bills, you don't have. Much to worry about. And so that's why you are both in a better mood and you are both presenting your best foot forward. Because let's face it, when you first start dating somebody. You don't show them your ugly side. You always show them your best side first, and it's only over time. Then they start to see more and more of you and perhaps the parts of you that are not so great, but they're true to who you are. So let's get to it. What is the seven year? Rule or seven year itch in a relationship. And it's ultimately that every seven years we go through the cycle and it's a cycle that we have seen time and time again. And there's a ton of research on this where it shows that as individuals, we have gone through many, many changes, but we would've also gone through many changes and challenges as a couple. So let's break this down. As an individual, you are going to have grown. You are going to have matured. You would've had more life experiences, you would've learn certain things. You may have changed jobs, you may have changed careers. You may have had a baby, you may have lost somebody who is close to you. You may have gone through grieving, you might have experienced a ton of different things, but as an individual, you are different. Every seven years and we're even talking about being different on a cellular level because every seven years all of our body would have regenerated its cells. So that's even evidence you as a physical being are different every seven years. But it's also true in terms of your personality changes, your characteristics change. And even though you might have kind of similar. Core concept. So for example, if you've always valued faith or if you've always valued physical health, that might still be a value, but certain things that you do with it might change over time, depending on circumstances and life events. So that's you as a person I. But as a couple, you are likely to have gone through multiple challenges together. So maybe you supported your partner through their challenges or they supported you. Maybe you both grieved together. Maybe you both had a child, maybe you both bought a house, maybe you went through marriage, maybe you went through some, uh, issues where there was a moment of mistrust. A moment of betrayal where you had to really rebuild things between yourselves. Maybe you had financial difficulties, whatever it might be, but chances are over seven years, you are going to experience. Something that would put tension on your relationship. And so that would be a big stress for both of you to have to overcome. And when we're stressed, it's not our best side that comes out. It tends to be our most challenging side that comes out. But you know, through that we also grow and we thrive, which is really, really great because we do end up building resis resilience and we end up building skills of mastery. So all this stuff is super important. Um, but let's say even if you didn't go through something that's massively challenging as a couple, I can almost guarantee. That you are a little bit bored because you are in the same routine. And guess what, it's been a long time to be in the same routine and maybe you'll have moments where it'll feel different, um, but it's still the same routine of that feeling different. So, for example, I've come across a lot of couples where. They will have date night, but date night is always the same, right? So it's always on Friday night or a Saturday night, and they go for dinner, or maybe they go bowling and they might go for a couple of drinks and then they come home. So even. In something that might feel different and it might, they might do it to try and reignite the spark or to try and maintain time for themselves, which is a really good aim, really good intention, and I sincerely believe in it. But the execution is kind of annoying, if I could be totally honest. And it's annoying because you're basically trying to do something exciting in the same old, boring way that you've always done. And you potentially sitting across the table looking at your partner, thinking to yourself, I have nothing to say here. I've got nothing new to say here. And. You might be thinking the same as well because you are literally having the same conversation. Um, maybe you're just ending up talking about the weather or something really dull. Now what is this? What is going on? Well, like I said, you're both in a rut, so what do you do now? I heavily recommend that you go through this seven year relationship audit. And for those of you who don't know what an audit is, you are basically taking a standard, so the standard of what you want a relationship to be like. Let's put your relationship aside for one moment, but think about the ideal. If you could have any relationship in the world, what would that look like? What is the standard? What is the expectation? What are your needs? How is it that you are going to fill their needs? What would it look like? Paint a picture, and I would really recommend that you do this. Okay? And open. The conversation with your partner in the sense of, Hey, it's been seven years, let's do an audit. So go right for it. And the way that I would start this off is potentially recommending that you do the following exercise that I'm gonna be talking about in just a moment. That you do this separately and then you come together to share. And the reason why. It'd be helpful for you to do separately and then come together to share is because you want to have a little bit more certainty in yourself with your own opinion, your own viewpoints before you start sharing them. I. And also so you can really hear out your partner as well. And so when you are exchanging these ideas and you are coming from different perspectives, you might think, oh wow, there's actually a lot that we're both craving and we're craving exactly the same thing from each other, but we're just simply not getting it. Or alternatively, you might think, Hey, there's a lot here that. I really want that my partner doesn't necessarily think is really important. So how are we going to overcome that? How are we going to build the bridge so that I can get what I want and they can get what they want? And how is it that we can make this a workable relationship? So both sides of the coin are really important. But first of all, do it separately. Then come together and share your ideas. So first off, we need the standard, like I said. Start dreaming. Allow yourself to dream of the most beautiful, the most perfect relationship that you would like. And what would that look like? What would it be like to wake up in the morning knowing that you are sleeping there right next to your partner and you are going to have the best day with them? What is it? What is it like? Or even if it's just a normal day where you are having to work, what would that relationship look like? So really. Lean into it and really consider all different angles of what the standards would be. And what I'm talking about is I also want you to think about your needs, but also to consider that your partner is not going to be the one to fulfill every single need. So often when I come across couples and they're talking about their relationship, they, they come across this term of, oh, well, they have to fulfill my needs. And I feel like this has been heavily egged on by social media, but unfortunately it's a bit inaccurate. It is true in that your partner does have to fill a certain level of need because that's the reason why you're with them, right? But they're not going to be the person who's going to fill every single need because they are not God. They are not that person to be present and perfect in absolutely every single way to cater to you a hundred percent of the time. They are not your parents. And you are not a baby because to say, Hey, my partner needs to fulfill all my needs. That is basically you saying that you are helpless, that you're a baby, and your partner is your parent who has to be there on hand and foot. It's not going to happen. It should not happen if it does happen. You are not in an equal relationship, so I'm gonna put that out there. And it's okay for you to have a list of needs that you would want your partner to fill. So, for example, I need them to be respectful. I need them to make me dinner these days of the week, or I need them to help me out with this. Um, but I also need them to be present with me when I need emotional connection. So there will be certain things that you will need. But it's not going to be everything. And for the other stuff that is potentially non-essential, or for the stuff that you might even get fulfilled by a friend or by a family member, then that's okay as well. So let's consider that those are your standards. Okay? Now that you've established your standards, and feel free by the way to write this down, but once you've established your standards is then up to you. To then start looking at your past seven years. Now, you are not going to remember every single event. So I would like you to think about it more as themes, so certain themes that have come across the relationship. And I want you to ask yourself these following questions, number one. Number one is what has been working well in our relationship over the past seven years? What has been working well over the past seven years, and think about this thematically. So it might be, you know what, from a practical standpoint, what's been working really well is that I've been doing the kids. Drop off at school and you've been making dinner, for example, uh, that's been working well. That's a practical example. An emotional example might be whenever I've been sad, I've just sent you a message and you've just turned up, you've shown up fully present. And that's worked really well for me. I really appreciate that. So consider what has been working well in our relationship. Thematically, and you might have a couple of really strong examples, and if you've got examples, then great. But what's been working well from an emotional perspective, but also from practical perspective, and that's over the past seven years Now, moving on to question number two, what has caused. The biggest challenge in our relationship, what has caused the biggest challenge in our relationships. So again, this could be from a practical standpoint or an emotional standpoint, and chances are you are going to have challenges across both practical and emotional. So a practical challenge might be, well, when I am. Working really long hours, but so are you. It's really hard to feel like I can just rest when I get home because the dishes need doing. There's bills to pay, there's certain things that I need to sort out. So you know that, that it just feels like the house is a mess. And so I get back home from work a really long, stressful day. And then I also have to do housework. So that's been a challenge. Or another challenge might be from an emotional standpoint is whenever I bring up this topic, I feel like I'm shut down. So for example, whenever I bring up the topic of. My mom, or whenever I bring up the topic of work, or whenever I bring up the topic of my anxiety about how I look, I get shut down. And that's been really challenging because I've not spoken about anything that's genuinely been obsessing me. And there have been many things. So think about what are the challenges that have shown up from a thematic standpoint. Both practical and emotional over the past seven years. And when you are considering this, I want you to really go back to the audit standards. So we, we will, we will talk about this in just a moment, but for now I'm gonna focus in on the questions. Okay? Question number three. What have we been avoiding over this time? What have we been avoiding? I. Over the seven years, this might be a bit of a challenging question because often people will say. Nothing, not much, but I guarantee there will be something, even if it's on a small basis, even if you think, oh, this is a bit silly. Um, it's not important, but I guarantee that there will be something that you've been avoiding, so that thing that you've been avoiding might be the difficult conversation about income, or it might be the difficult conversation about how we're raising our kids. Or it could be the difficult conversation of, Hey, your friend. Who is doing X, Y, and Z makes me feel really uncomfortable, whatever it might be, but what is it that we have been avoiding? Now, this question is really important because it'll also give you insight in terms of how it is that you can open the doors for having that dream relationship. Because avoidance, even though it might feel easier because you're not having to do hard stuff. It's actually creating more hard stuff along the way. So you've got an option. You can either do what's easy now, IE, avoiding the difficult conversation now, but in the long term, you're going to struggle or you could just sit through the discomfort now so that you can have a better life in the future. So what is it that you've been avoiding and question number four. What do you want more of? What do you want more of? Again, practical and emotional. So when you are looking past the seven years, uh, you could then start considering, oh, well I really want more connection time, or, I really want more adventures. I really want more support when I'm. Do my work, whatever it might be, but what is it that you are wanting more of? And for this I would highly recommend that you slow down and you really start considering I. Moments, so, so maybe you start remembering different events or different circumstances where you've experienced that thing that you are really wanting more of. And I want you to emotionally lean into it. So emotionally, what did it mean to you? When you did experience these things, so go right ahead and really sit in those moments because when you start thinking about what is it that you wanting more of, that's really when we can start manifesting and generating more of those experiences and those events. So if you had many instances or you, if you had significant instances where you felt really supported and you can lean into that emotion of what it was like to be supported and you're wanting more of that. That is great. So for this, I would highly recommend you slow down. You start remembering and you start documenting these events and these memories where it felt really good and you are wanting more of these things. Okay, now you've got your four questions. So the first question was, what is working well? Second question, what has caused the most challenge? Third, what have we been avoiding? And fourth, what is it that we're wanting more of? Now that you've got your answers for those four questions, I really want you to come together with your partner, and hopefully they've done the same exact exercise. I, I would recommend that you both do this exercise, by the way. So, um, if you've got a partner who isn't willing to do it on their own. That's actually fine. You do this exercise together, but if you're willing, if you've got a partner who wants to do it on their own, you do it on your own and you come together and you share, that's even better. But either way, just look at those four questions and look at what your ideal relationship would look like now as you are going through these questions. I want you to pause after every single one and to really start looking, how does this compare to my ideal relationship? So when I'm looking at what's been working well in our relationship, how does that compare to my ideal vision? Is it the same? Is it slightly different? Is it different? But it still works well? And actually it's okay. How does it match up? Is my ideal different to your ideal? Is what's working well for me, not working so well for you and vice versa? Or is it working well for both of us? How is it that we can come to a mutual agreement? So really take that response of what is working well and how does it match up with our ideal. So for example, my ideal might be. You know what we both. Spend the evenings together and we both cook dinner together and we make it as a really fun activity. Let's say that's my ideal. But then when I'm looking back in the relationship, I might think, well, okay, that's not really happened. Um, but what has been working well is that I'll make dinner. You look after the kids and. We'll come together and we'll eat dinner together. Then I can start considering, okay, well if that's worked well because you know we've had to juggle childcare and making dinner, then how is it that we can potentially combine the two? What is it that would make it a really nice fit? So it might be, you know, what? Let's make it a big event that we're both, and the kids getting involved in making dinner, and it'll be really, really fun. It'll be messy. It'll be ugly, it will be beautiful. It'll be delicious. And that is the whole aim. What would that be like, and what would that be like to be a new ideal standard, like the dream vision? How would that fit? How would that sit with you? How would that feel now? Do the same process with every single question. So the second question, what's caused most challenges in our relationship? So it might be, I felt really shut down. I tried to bring up this conversation and I don't feel like I can. If that's a challenge, let's compare it to the ideal I. So the ideal doesn't mean that you are never going to have challenges. Of course you're going to have challenges. You are human, you live on planet earth. There will be difficulties. But what does your ideal say about how you'll overcome those difficulties? So the ideal vision might be, well, actually we're always on the same team, and so I don't feel shut down. I feel like there's space, so I can say this and it will be considered. So if that's the ideal, but at the moment I feel like I'm being shut down, well then what is the bridge? How are we going to get from being shut down to feeling heard and understood? And it might be that we do a 10 minute timer rule. So 10 minute timer rule. I'm just gonna briefly put this in here, is when. I might say something, uh, which is approaching a challenging conversation. So I might say something such as, Hey, you know what? I really need to talk to you about my feelings about your family, or my feelings about work, or whatever it might be. Um, but it's gonna be hard to hear. So do you have some space? Do you have some time? And if they say yes, then go ahead and have that conversation. But if things get a bit heated, we put a timer on for 10 minutes and we break out. It's almost like having a 10 minute break from the conversation and 10 minutes is enough for both of us to recalibrate. For both of us to consider. Okay. I need to hear my partner out even if I don't necessarily agree with it, even if it's really difficult to hear, but let me just hear them out and. I can then express what it's that I need to express. So how is it that we can implement this 10 minute space so that we can really overcome this challenging conversation? And so if we are able to do that, can we then start to have more of that ideal vision of what our relationship looks like in terms of how we overcome challenges so that we can hear each other when we can understand each other, and we can be on the same team? Now when we're considering question number three, what is it that we're avoiding talking about? This one might be an interesting one, especially if you're doing this exercise separately. So if you are doing it and they're doing it, and you're both coming together to talk about what is it that you've been avoiding, that is something so juicy potentially when it comes out, because what you've been avoiding might be different to what they've been avoiding, or it might be the same. Who knows? This is why you are doing this exercise so that you can start approaching the relationship with much more transparency and you can actually take a step forward in terms of what is it that you are both needing and. What is it that's caused you to avoid it? Is it because actually it's felt unsafe? And so this question itself unveils so many different things that you will want and need. And so again, compare it to the ideal standard. So the ideal standard of your relationship might be, well, actually, we're always transparent all the time, and if I need something, if I want something, I'll just say it and it's accepted and vice versa. But if you're avoiding something, clearly that's not happened. So how is it that you can get from avoidance to acceptance? So is it around building trust? Is it around building acceptance? Is it around acknowledging that your partner might want different things and having some space and some tolerance and some acceptance around that? And for the final question in terms of what you want more of, this is really supporting you and allowing you to lean into what that ideal vision of that relationship would be. So is it that you are wanting more time to be intimate together? Is it that you are wanting more? Quality time? Is it that you are wanting more physical contact? Is it that you are wanting to be held in mind? Is it that you are wanting more spontaneity, some surprises? And if those are the things that you want, I would highly suggest that you lead with that first. So, for example, if you're wanting more adventure in your relationship, don't sit there waiting for your partner to create the adventure. You can go ahead and you can initiate because I guarantee that when you initiate, your partner will want to initiate too. I would love to hear how you get on with your relationship audit, so please feel free to get in touch. My details are on the show notes below, and until the next time, take care.