5 Questions To Immediately Improve Your Relationship

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationship Success Drive. So good to have you back. And today we are going to be talking about the relationship audit, how to assess what's working, what's not working, and what needs to change. The reason why I have recorded this is because there are so many couples that come to me and they ask me what. Is going on here. We've been together for a period of time, and that period might change. It might be a. Few months, might be a few years, few decades. Um, but ultimately they get to a place where they feel a little bit stuck. They feel a bit stagnant. They're not sure what's going on. Things are okay, but that's it. Right? They're okay. They're not terrible. Uh, they could do the improvement and, and some days are really, really great, but some days they get stuck in these arguments. They feel frustrated and maybe even resentful with one another. So ultimately, what's going on here? How do I actually improve this? How do I sal salvage this? Because I don't want to end up hating my partner. I don't want to end up feeling resentful towards my partner. I actually like my partner as much as I love them, I also like them as a human being. They're two different things and I want to improve things. So this is when I call. It audit time because we need to assess what's going well, what's not going so well, and what is it that we need to change. So here are five main questions that I want you to write down and really ask yourself. First, do this exercise on your own, and then you can share it with your partner, but work through this. Listen out to the questions because I promise you, you are going to get some golden nuggets just by asking yourself these questions. Number one, you need to ask yourself, over the past month, what has worked really well in our relationship over the past month worked really well in our relationship. And the reason why I say the past month is because it's easier to. Select something that is recent that you can remember, but it's also helpful to see that actually it's not all bad. You are doing things in current time that are good, that are helpful, that is supportive to your growth, to your relationship, to your wellbeing. So what's going well, and I want you to really think about it in three different ways. What is going well in terms of what I've been doing? First way, second way, what's been going well in terms of what my partner has been doing, and third way is what has been going on that is involving both of us. That might be external to both of us, or that might be, um, more contextual. So for example, is it that the kids are guessing on really well, is it that our health has really improved? Is it that. We are, uh, going on holiday together. We're spending more quality time together. We are spending more time communicating with each other's love language. What is it that's going on? So first off, ask yourself, what is going well in our relationship from me, from you in general? Second question, you need to ask yourself what areas do. I experience most tension. What areas do I experience most? Tension. Now, listen to my language. I'm saying what areas, not what is making you feel tense, but I'm asking what areas. And the reason why I'm being so particular about the wording of this is that if we, um. Use the language, what areas? We can look at it quite broadly, and we can also accept feedback. It's easier for us to take on accountability, but also to recognize what our partner, um, has contributed towards the relationship as well. So it, it's a bit more equal. There's a bit more evenness around this. So, as we all know. It takes two to create a relationship or to break a relationship. Um, sometimes it takes one, but, you know, in, in a healthy dynamic, it's really about both people equally pouring in and, um, really sewing the relationship that they're wanting to create. But here's the thing, if you are saying What areas are causing me tension, then I can think about it more globally. So it could be, well. Conversations around how we raise the kids or conversations around finances or doing the housework. If we are labeling the area as opposed to saying what is causing the tension, then we can be non attacking. Yeah, we can be all accepting, we can recognize our parts as well as our partner's parts. So I'll just to highlight the difference. If I said what area, and let's say it's housework versus if I said, what's causing the tension? And I said, well, my partner never does the housework. There's, there's a real difference there. Okay. And even though it might be true in that I do more of the housework than my partner does, and that could be causing tension even though that that might be true. Um, what we're really trying to do is we're trying to remove blame. So we're just really looking at the situation, and this is really important because it invites an easier conversation, an easier discussion with. The partner afterwards. So if I said, well, the area I feel most tense is around the housework, then that's a much easier conversation starter than the area I think is, uh, you know, is has created where there's a lot of tension being created is by you not doing the housework. Right. There's, there's a big difference there because then my partner is more likely to get on the defensive if I say something like that. Mm-hmm. So it's really about opening up those conversations in a way that. I can see my role. So my role might be, well, actually I always say yes when I want say no. Um, but also my partner's role in maybe recognizing the times that I say yes, even though I really want to say no and how it's that they can step up. So, you know, really consider, uh, the language around there. So number one question just to reiterate is what is working well in our relationship from me, from my partner overall? Second question, what is, what is the area that involves most tension? Third question, what do we avoid talking about? What do we avoid talking about? And the reason why I love this question, and I think it's such an important audit question in a relationship, is because. Invariably in any relationship there will be something that we are avoiding talking about. And it might not appear to be a big, massive issue. It might not be the obvious elephant in the room that we're avoiding, but there will be something that we are avoiding or not necessarily talking about it to the depth that we need to talk about it. Uh, and this is really important for us to consider. So is it. Sex. We're not talking about our sex life enough. And you know, it could be a difference between, well, I want it more and you want it less, or vice versa. Um, it could be, well, we avoid talking about how I get really stressed whenever you are. The friend comes around the house and I dunno what to do about this because I know that you should see your friend and you should spend time with them, but I really dunno how to navigate it. Or is it that I avoid talking about the kinds of food that you eat and actually it's making you. Unhealthy, and I'm really concerned and there are serious concerns around this, but at the same time, I don't want to offend you by saying that you've gained weight. Like what is it that we avoid talking about, but actually the conversations that we should probably have, do I avoid saying, Hey, you know what, when you take that tone of voice with me, it really does upset me and. I might be a bit sensitive, and maybe it's me being overly sensitive, but it's something that I really want to discuss with you, and I'm not wanting to discuss this with you to create problem, but it's actually something important. So we'll talk about how you open up these questions with your partner in just a moment. But let's focus in on the questions at hand. So what do we avoid talking about and. Chances are if you suspect that the area of, let's say, how we raise our children or our sex life or uh, friendship circle, if you suspect that one of those areas are things that you don't necessarily talk about very much or you avoid talking about it, chances are your partner is thinking the same thing as well. Okay. Back to the audit questions. Number four, what do I want more of? What do I want more of? And this could be something that is, uh, generally speaking, different context or a different situation to be brought into the relationship. So, for example, I want more holidays together. Or I want more financial freedom together so we're not worrying about the bills or, uh, our expenses and our income, but chances are it will actually speak to your love language. So if you don't know about love languages, I'm just going to quickly go through them. Now, there are five love languages, and the love language is essentially the way in which we feel love. So there are words of affirmations. That's one of the love languages. Words of affirmations are things like, when I get told, I'm so proud of you. You are so intelligent, you are so caring. I really appreciate you. I respect you. I honor what you do. I see how giving you are, how generous you are, and I love that. So those are words of affirmation. Second is physical touch. So physical touch is where there is physical contact, and that is a way in which love is expressed. So holding, hugging, holding hands, um, stroking your hair, whatever it might be. But, but there's physical contact. Third one. Is quality time. So it's really about the in depth and the intentional time that we spend with one another. And I would describe this more of a face-to-face quality time where we are doing something together as opposed to side by side time. So side by side time might be, well, we spend time with each other watching TV every night. That's very different compared with face-to-face time where we are having an in-depth conversation and we're reminiscing about what we used to be like when we were first dating. Or it might be more quality time around, well actually if we're doing a really fun activity and a fun exercise together, but we are literally face to face and that is all that we're doing with one another. We're going on a hike together. Now fourth love language is act of service, so that might be things around the house. I feel loved when my partner does the housework for me. When they are doing the vacuuming, when they're doing the cleaning, when they are taking care of the kids. Those that act of service. And finally. The last love language is giving gifts. So this doesn't have to be an extravagant gift, but it's something that is thoughtful and I can see that my partner has really thought of me when they've gotten me this gift. So it might even be, well on the way back home, my partner. Goes to the petrol station and while they're paying, they end up buying me my favorite chocolate bar, or they end up getting me flowers and they just happen to me to be my favorite flowers. Or it might be, you know what? On our first state, my partner picked me a daisy from the meadow, and they got me one last night, and I really liked that. So, uh, you know that that's what a gift might be. Now going back to my audit, question number four, what do I want more of? Well, it is likely to be one of the love languages that speaks to me, that speaks to the way that I want to be loved. And here's the key. The love language that we need to receive is the one that speaks to us, which means that our partner needs to know what my love language is and vice versa. So we might have different love languages, so I might have the love language of physical touch. My partner might have words of affirmation, and so it's important for me to recognize, well, I might want more of physical touch and my partner might want more of words of affirmation, and that's okay. We're going to need to cater to each other's needs to a level that feels comfortable and good for both of us. Back to the audit questions. Question number five, what would I change if I had a magic wand? What would I change if I had a magic wand and I could just wave it around and create some kind of instant change in their relationship? The reason why I would. Ask this question to myself is because it really drives our ability to think about solutions now more often than not, when we have been stuck in the state of stagnation in our relationship, when we are really unsure about whether we should change something or not change something, and we just feel frustrated. We dunno where we're going. All we know is that we're. Feeling irritated and stuck and a bit bored and it's mundane, and we we're just not quite as happy as we used to be. The moment that we start thinking about, well, actually, what is it that I could change? If I could, I. That is the moment when we start considering new possibilities and it literally changes the way that our brain lights up and our executive functioning skill comes in. Our prefrontal cortex starts lighting up. So that's the part of our brain that is governing our ability to regulate emotions, to problem solve, to think creatively. And so then we can start thinking, well, if I could change anything, I would actually. Want us to be able to spend the weekends together uninterrupted, or I would want us to be able to spend every evening together, or I would want my partner to look after the kids on Tuesday while I go out meeting friends, whatever it might be. And the moment that we start thinking about that, it really then starts to allow us to create solutions or to create. The image of the life that we want to live, and we can start to introduce that to our partner. Okay, so I'm gonna do a rundown of the questions because I know I've spoken quite a lot there. So these are five audit questions for your relationship. Number one, what's working well in our relationship from me, from you? And the context of the relationship. Number two, what areas do I feel most tense, or what areas do I feel there is a lot of tension? Number three, what do we avoid talking about or we don't talk about as much as we should? Number four. What do I want more of? And remember your love languages. And number five, what would I change if I could wave that magic wand? Now, first, please answer these questions on your own. There's is. When you are in solitude and you're able to really answer these questions on your own, that is really when you can be unfiltered. That's when you are saying what is going on for you sincerely without being influenced. And then if you can, if it feels safe enough to do so, please share it with your partner and you can then share it from a place of clarity. And the way that you would share it is, hey. Is it okay if we have a conversation about our relationship? First, ask permission. That's what I did. And then second, declare your intention for having this conversation. Well. And, and you know, it might sound like this. I want to have this conversation with you because I feel like we've been doing okay, but not as well as I would like us to be. I would really want us to get to a state where we are so overwhelmed with joy and we are feeling so happy and so in love. So would you be open to having this conversation with me? And if we phrase it like that in terms of asking them permission, are you okay for us to have this conversation? And the intention is so that we love each other more so that we are happier. How could anyone say no to that? Right. And again, this is a context that it is a safe relationship, that is a healthy relationship, that your partner is trustworthy and you are able to have these kinds of conversations and then. I would go into the five different questions or what it is that you've come up with in terms of your responses for each of the questions. I. Now, if you have done this completely on your own without telling your partner you are going to do this or you are going to answer these questions, then I would really consider how it is that you frame it. So it could be, well, I listen to this podcast and these were some pointers, or these were some questions for me to consider and I thought they were useful questions. So here they are. However, if you can, and this would be my preference, is that actually you. Show them the questions, and you would also ask them to answer those questions as well for for themselves to do it solo. And then you can share your, your findings together just so that you can see how it is that they marry up with one another. And then after you are able to have this conversation with your partner, I want you to come up with a minimum of three. Take home messages and actions, minimum of three, take home messages and actions. So these are three things that you promised one another that you will implement. So for example, if it's, uh, more of the, their love language and we're communicating with them in that way. I would go ahead and make the commitment of, okay, I'm going to hold this in mind and I'm going to do this. If it is, well, we avoid talking about this subject. Make a commitment to schedule in talking about that subject, and what I would advise is that when you are making a commitment to implement these things, put in a timeframe on it. Seriously. Place it in your calendar, put an alert block off some time, make sure it's protected time. Nobody else is interfering or interrupting in that time and do the thing. So for example, if you know the question is, well, what do we avoid talking about? And you are committing to talking about that subject, I would literally say, okay, well can we talk about it on. Thursday night at 8:00 PM for an hour, I've blocked it off my calendar. You've blocked it off your calendar. Nobody is interfering with that. The kids are in bed, whatever it might be. But you know that that's something that we are doing. Is that a possibility? And stick to it if it is something such as. Well, if I could, um, change anything, uh, with magic wand. And we come up with something that we are really wanting to implement in our relationship, well then great. Is there any way that we can take the first step towards that in the next 24 hours? And I would be very, very particular on the timeframe because we need to take action. We need to consolidate this, you know, it's all well and good talking about how we can improve our relationship. But if it's not followed by action, then it's just a conversation. That's a bit nice, but then we end up being disappointed and we feel disappointed, and that feels resentment. So please consider these questions, but also consider how it is that you are going to take action and set the time for taking that action. Oh. Now that I've gone through those questions and what it is that you need to do with it, please share your insights, share your stories, because I love reading stories and I love receiving emails from people who listen to this and who take inspiration from this to improve their relationship. So please take care of yourselves and please take care of your loved ones because that is the most important thing. Until next time, take care.