Arguments to make your relationship stronger: 5 Tips and Why never arguing is a red flag

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome back. Today we have got a really interesting conversation and the topic is about how do you fight with your partner in a healthy way. Now, any relationship out there? Is going to experience an argument, a conflict, a disagreement at some point or another, and. Believe me, if you are sitting there telling me, Hey, I have a fight with my partner, or we have never argued for me, that would actually be a red flag, and it's not because I'm wanting you guys to be arguing all the time. Not at all. Like I love people to get on. I love, love. I love relationships working out. Um, but the reason why, if somebody says to me, Hey, we never argue, and for me that's a red flag, it's because usually one person will be suppressing themselves more than what they should be. And actually they're suppressing themselves so much so that they're never voicing their opinion because guess what? You're not exactly the same as your partner. You are not always going to have the same exact viewpoints, the same exact opinions, the same exact approach to anything and everything in life. It's just not going to happen. And there will be points when one of you is more injured than the other, but it also depends on how it is that you process it and how it is that you express some of these challenges. So. How do you fight with your partner and how do you make these arguments healthy? Because we know, and we've got a ton of research that shows that if you are able to argue with your partner in a healthy way. That is a massive indicator as to how your relationship would be strengthened over time. How it is that you can build resilience, mutual resilience, togetherness, resilience, so that you are able to really go the distance with one another. How you are really able to hold the other person in mind, but also how it is that you are able to build. And if you are able to argue in a healthy way, you build trust, you build security, you build safety, and you build understanding. And these are all really important components in a relationship. And actually, if you are able to argue in a healthy way, some of the subsequent. Outcomes from that is that you are able to respond to one another's bids. So there's a lot of research, uh, by the Gottman Institute where they show that a bid is an element or a signal that your partner is. Showing, and if you respond to it, then it shows that you are holding them in mind. You are able to pick up on certain signs on how they're feeling, what they're thinking, what's going on for them, and you're able to respond to them, showing them that you care. And vice versa, and they feel cared for in that moment. They don't have to be big things. They could be simple things. For example, if your partner says, oh, I'm feeling really thirsty, then you know you are up and you are making them a drink. Things like that are really important in really nurturing the foundations of your relationship. So here's the thing. You have to be able to argue in a healthy way. For all the good stuff to also happen in the relationship. But how do you do it? And here's the thing, please, please, please do not start learning how to argue during an argument that is. By far the worst time to learn how to an to argue is during an argument actually. You need to learn how to argue outside of an argument, and unfortunately, what I see happening with a lot of couples. Is that they only really start approaching therapy or they start approaching coaching when they have hit crisis points, when they are distraught, when they are struggling, when they don't know what to do, and they are experiencing panic attack after panic attack or levels of insecurity, mistrust, being unfaithful, like when, when they're in the mess, that's when they decide to bring in help. And as much as that makes sense, I would also say it's. A little bit too late because really you should have been cultivating a healthy relationship before I got unhealthy. It's almost like saying, well, I'm going to learn how to make salads when I've had a heart attack. No, no. You make salads and you learn how to make salads and healthy food so that you avoid having a heart attack. That's really how it's meant to be. But nonetheless, here is some information on helping you as to how to argue in a healthy way. First tip is something that I like to call the pause process. Return rule, pause process. Return rule. So. When there is an argument, and it might be unexpected or it might be something that has kind of been building up throughout the day, I really want you to hit the pause button and to also let your partner know that you are hitting the pause button and. Be very, very clear with them so that they understand, and they also have an agreement with you about what that pause button is. So again, this is a conversation that you have in terms of what the pause process, return rule is. You have this conversation with them. Before an argument ever happens so that you can agree what would happen during an argument, so you're both on the same page. There's no confusion, there's no discrepancy, there's no uncertainty. You both know what the deal is, okay? So when you are pausing, you are. Declaring that you are hitting the pause button because you don't want the problem to escalate. You don't want to respond from a place or fight a fight or flight. You don't want to respond from a place where your sympathetic nerve system is activated, and we know that if your sympathetic nervous system is activated, that's basically your threat to response. You're going to respond in a couple of different ways. You might either totally shut down and you never say what it is that you want or that what you think, how you feel. So you're shutting down or you might end up attacking and really, uh, going on the offensive. And you're doing that because you're really wanting to defend yourself. You feel like you are under attack and therefore you end up attacking as well. So. Neither response is really going to help you when you are in a disagreement and you are wanting to come to a mutual solution. Because bearing in mind, being in a relationship also means that you are on the same team. And so if an argument happens, if a disagreement happens, you still need to return to the point of being on the same team afterwards. You can't be on opposite teams during an argument. But it often ends up that way. And so for us to not have it that way, we really need to hit the pause button so you both have an agreement. I'm hitting pause when there's an argument, and I feel like my nervous system is activated because I don't want to say something that I'm going to regret or that I don't mean, and I want to be able to have the courage to say something that I really do want to say. That's the reason why you're pausing. Now. The next part is the processing. So processing is really about understanding your emotions and understanding the situation, understanding your emotions and situation. So this is really twofold. Your emotions are your own, and it's necessary for us to recognize how it is that we're feeling because. There is going to be a lot in our emotion that's going to tell us what we want outta the relationship, but also if it reminds us of any particular wounds that still need to be resolved. So it really needs to consider our emotion and whether the wounds need to be resolved with our partner currently, if I need to do it separately, privately, uh, with a therapist, whatever it might be, but, but it's really recognizing that. And then it's processing the situation, what has just happened. And so if that is something that has felt very damaging, something that has felt betraying something that has felt, um, destructive in some form, then we really need to consider objectively what has happened and how did we even get to this point. Okay, so process what you're feeling and the situation. And you can do this at privately when you're hitting the pause button. You can literally leave the room and consider this privately, or you can do it together if it feels safe enough to do so. Or what you can do is do it privately. Really come to terms and have clarity over what is going on for you independently. And then you can share this when you come back together and you've, uh, put the play button again and you are able to have this conversation again, which leads me to you the third step, which is return. So pause, process, return. After processing and we feel like we have gained some level of clarity over what's going on, it's a lot easier to return to the conversation because then we've got clarity of what it's that we want to say, how it's that we want to say it, and essentially what it is that we would want out of this situation. And a common phrase that I advise people to use when they are in this situation is to declare. What they want out of this argument, out of this disagreement. So declare what it's that you want. When you're returning. You might say, I really want us to be on the same page, or I really want us to gain shared understanding, or, I really want you to hear me out just while I express myself about this thing, and I will hear you out after I finished. I really want. Insert what it is that you really want, because that is the thing that is really going to help you move forward. When you are returning to the conversation, you are then going in with clarity. You're going in with intentionality, and you can always return back to what it is that you've declared that you want. And your partner can also declare what it is that they want. That's really important because it keeps the focus in mind. It keeps the objective in mind, and that is the thing that you are working towards as opposed to spiraling and talking about things that might have happened a year ago, 10 years ago, and going down a path that is. An ugly path, a path that you've been down many times before where you don't get anywhere, where you just spiral. That's, there's no point in doing that because actually we're trying to move forward here. We're trying to argue in a healthy way, so it's really about declaring your intention. Okay, next tip for you is. About the way that you use you versus I. Statements often when we are in a state of tension, state of anxiety, state of frustration, it is very easy and very tempting for us to point the finger and to say that our partner is. X, Y, and Z. You hurt me because you never listened to me. You always ignore me. You always, uh, put me aside. You do, you do this, you do that. You are A, B, and C, and we are much more likely to use you statements when we are in an argument the. Way that we do this can be incredibly damaging because if you are saying, well, you never listened to me and you always argue with me, and you, um, ignore me, you don't show me that you love me. If we're always using those you statements, by the way, I'm not talking about whether or not they're factually correct. Right? I'm not talking about objectivity. What I am talking about is the you statement. When we are using the you statement, guess what happens? Your partner has no option but to become defensive or they can enter the realm of helplessness neither, which is going to help you. So if I say to my partner, you never listen to me, what do you think their response is gonna be? Well, no, of course I listen to you, but what you're saying is really stupid. Is that really going to help me? No, actually that's just going to add fuel to fire. That's going to escalate the argument, so please avoid the use statements. I. And instead use I statements. Because when we're using I statements, we then end up owning that experience and it invites our partner to listen to us without the defense. And it invites our partner to really understand our position to empathize with us. And that's the thing that is going to help change. So for example, instead of saying You don't listen to me, it would be to say. I feel unheard when I'm trying to talk about this subject. So instead of you'd never listen to me, it would be, I feel unheard because the moment that I say that, it gives my partners some perspective of what's going on. For me. I only emotion, I'm not pointing any fingers, which also means they become less defensive and. It invites'em to empathize, but you can even feel the tone is different. Me saying, you never listen versus I feel unheard, right? Which one feels nicer to listen to? Which one feels more appealing? It would be the latter. And my next tip, my next tip is really about the always and never question, uh, statements always and never. Two of the most dangerous words that we can use in an argument. So for example, you always ignore me or you never listen to me. They're really harmful because we're talking about absolutes here. And the truth is, is that nobody on this planet always does something or never does something. Sure, we might end up doing that thing 80% of the time, 90% of the time, but or never vice versa. Um, but we don't. Have absolutes. And so it's really important for us to recognize that whilst we're talking. So for example, I never feel heard, right? So we're using I statements, but we're still using the word never. I never feel heard. That can also amp up my partner's defense. So please avoid using always and never words in your statements during an argument and. Finally, my final tip of the day on how it is that you can argue in healthy way is to set a timer to how long this conversation's going to go on for Now. Some people might hate this, some people might love it and want to really shorten the time as much as possible. Give it five minutes. Um. So we're not going as slow as five minutes, by the way. But it is so important that we do have time to how it is that we argue how long it is that we argue. Because if we are continuing the argument for a really long time. It then becomes exhausting. We spiral and we never actually get to the point that we were meant to be going. We never get to the intention that we were wanting to work towards. So really we're wanting to have some kind of container. So we do the pause, process return, and when we're returning we could also say, well, I really want us to be able to talk about this for 15 minutes. 15 minutes golden number and if it goes on for more than 15 minutes, I think we need to come to an agreement and maybe we need to pick this up another time if you have to pick it up or it could be an agreement and if it feels okay to leave it there, then great. Leave it there. Move on with your day, but it needs to have some kind of contained period of time because we really don't want this going on forever, and we know it's going to come to an end. We know what the objective is, and at the end of 15 minutes, let's say when the timer goes off, you can also see, well, actually the thing that I declared as an intention of what I wanted outta this conversation. Have we gotten that? So. If I declared, I really want us to be on the same page. Are we on the same page? If I declared, I really want to be understood. Have we gotten that? If I declared I really want a solution for this arrangement that we have, I really want a solution as to how we, uh, navigate childcare or how we navigate housework, then great. If you have come to that solution. If not, spend two minutes. Brainstorming as to how you will get that solution and leave it there. Now, it's not to say that you're never going to talk about this again. I'm all up for discussions. But give it some time, give it some space so that at least you can breathe. You can regulate your nervous system and maybe go back to it at another point when it feels relevant and when it feels safe to do so. So please let me know what does it feel like learning about arguing in a healthy way? Because a lot of people find this such an awkward conversation, but I actually think it is something that is so necessary and it's something that is not spoken about enough. So please let me know and until next time, take care.