Communication is NOTHING without understanding & how to cultivate emotional safety

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello my friends. Welcome to today's episode. We are talking about something that I like to call the understanding and trust cycle, and this is really targeted for people, for couples who have either had a rupture in their relationship where there has been a huge argument or a blow up. And this could be over multiple different things, or it could be for couples who haven't necessarily had like a big blow up or a big argument. However, they do have perpetual issues. So let's say you and your partner find yourselves repeatedly arguing about the same thing over and over again. And it could be little snippets. It could be little disagreements, but these disagreements build up over time. And what happens is that whether you are in the first camp where there's been something huge that's happened that's caused an eruption, or if it, it's just general day-to-day bickering and it kind of, you know, you might have. Phases where it inflates, it gets okay. Again, you're both quiet, but then here you are again arguing about the same issue, whichever camp you sit in. This episode is for you because what often happens is that you actually start disconnecting in that moment and you might be physically disconnecting, like you don't even wanna be in the same room as one another. You want to spend time away from each other, and you feel better when you have done. And even though that might sound like a good coping mechanism, it also highlights just how challenging it is for you both to be spending time with one another. The other issue is that you have emotional disconnect and you actually start to reduce the level of psychological and emotional safety that you feel with your partner. And that's simply because there have been issues have come up between you both that have not been resolved. So you have physical disconnect and you have emotional disconnect. And ultimately the thing that underlies both of them is simply not feeling safe and not feeling understood. And this is something that I have frequently worked with clients on, and recently I developed something, a method to support clients in getting through this. And the method is really about the understanding and safety building cycle, the understanding and safety building cycle. Now, what is this? Well, step one. Step one is that most people believe that the issue is to do with communication. And so they come to me saying, Hey, we're really struggling in terms of our communication. We're just not communicating. We under arguing things spiral. Dunno what's going on. It's all communication issue. And then I will take them back to step one and I'll say to them, okay, sure, communication, I'm all up for it. But. And here's the massive buts. Communication is nothing, absolutely nothing without understanding. The whole reason why we even communicate with one another is to understand one another. And so you can sit there all day trying to communicate if you want, but if there is no shared understanding. Well, you are just making yourself tired and you are really not getting very far at all. And how exhausting and how sad would that be? That is absolutely not a space that you would want to be in. So really, as much as you are talking about communication, you are actually referring to understanding. And for that psychological safety to be instilled, we need to feel understood. Feeling understood is one of the basic human needs, and I guarantee that you and your partner both want to feel understood in that moment, but you're coming at it from opposite angles and you don't know how to get to that feeling of being understood and understanding. So step one. Is, how do you actually understand one another? Communication is a part of it, but I would actually say communication is really just the surface.'cause communication is the stuff that you say, the stuff that comes out of your mouth, but really there has to be some intention behind it and the intention behind it. Needs to always be, how can I better understand my partner? This is not a debate of who's right and who's wrong. This is not the realm that I'm entering, but the realm that I'm entering is simply how can I better understand my partner? I. And both of you need to hold that in mind. If only one of you is holding that in mind, then it's game over because actually one person is inputting a lot and they would feel that they're hitting a brick wall. So how do we work towards understanding on another? Well, it's really about a. You notice when there is a source of tension. You notice when there is a disagreement, when there's something that just doesn't feel aligned, and you are really using your emotions as a compass and as a guide. I. B, you are then having to put a pause on your experience and put a pause on your immediate response or your immediate edge to respond with something. You put pause on that so you can move on to see, which is really asking your partner. Help me understand you. Let me stand beside you and let me understand what it is that you are seeing. And so really what you are doing in that moment is you are just asking them to help you understand what it is that they're saying. And that's really the bit that communication comes in. So you are asking them, Hey, help me understand you. Let me stand beside you and let me just see this from your perspective. And by the way, you have to, you have to have to postpone your perspective, even if it's just for a few minutes. But you have to postpone your perspective in order to just stand alongside them and really understand that as, so when you are going alongside their perspective and they're explaining what it is that they see, or how it is that they think, what it's, that they've processed, you then want to ask for clarification. You then want to say to them, okay, so have I understood this correctly? You are saying A, B, and C. Does that also mean X, Y, and Z? So the X, Y, and Z might be how I interpreted it. So let's say for example, if I wanted my partner to come with me to a work event, but my partner said no, and they might have said, Hey, I'm going out with my friends. I might feel really offended, and I might interpret that as my partner not really caring about me. But actually, if I go through this process and I'm asking them, well, please help me understand your perspective. My partner might say something like, well, actually, I get really anxious when I'm around your work colleagues, because they're all really professional and they're all very well established, and it makes me feel really frightened about where I am in my career and in my position. And for me, I just don't feel ready to do that. It might be something else. And in that moment you can actually see how the tonality of the conversation would really shift. And that is really what understanding is about, because I've been able to postpone my perspective. So my perspective might have been, Hey, my partner doesn't care about me, or they don't care about my work events, or anything else I have to do. That might have been my immediate response, and I would've felt really offended and really upset and really frustrated with my partner, like, how dare my partner not prioritize me or something? That's important to me. But when I'm able to just put a pause on that and I ask them, well, please help me understand your perspective, then I'm able to really empathize with my partner in that moment. I might not necessarily agree with it. And that's a conversation for a different time, but at least I can understand it and at least I can empathize with it, and that in itself takes out some of the fire that might be inside of me that urge to respond, particularly when it might be unwarranted or it might be out of proportion, or it might not really be the correct response given. The true nature of the situation. And in that moment then I can ask for clarification and say, Hey, so just checking in that I understand you are not wanting to come with me because you are really worried about how they might see you, and they might see you as being inadequate. Yeah, and if my partner says yes, then okay, great. We're on the same page. We've got mutual understanding, and that's really where the communication comes in. But I want you to bear in mind that the starting point is not communication. The starting point is really the intention of understanding one another. And if you hold that intention, the communication is a lot easier. Yeah, because, uh, let's go back to my example situation. If that was the case, then I can ask my partner, well, would it be okay if I share my perspective and for you to understand what's going on for me? And chances are my partner would say yes. So then I can say to them, well, okay, I'm actually not so big on these particular events at work, but. Uh, I really want to go because they are still important and they're important to me and it's really important for me to show my face and I would absolutely love it if you could be there just to support me, just to stand by my side. Even if you don't say anything, and it might be a bit uncomfortable, maybe we can crack a couple of jokes. Actually, there's my friend Jill. There's my friend Bob, whoever it is. They're pretty nice. We can just hang out with them for a few. For a few minutes, for a few hours, whatever it might be. But what if we make it a different experience? Would you be open to that? Because it would really mean a lot to me if you could support me. And guess what? Nobody's really going to be looking at you or asking questions about you because it's going to be about me and my profession and where I stand in my work. And in that moment we can really have an open conversation and we can come to some kind of agreement. So the agreement might be my partner comes with me, or it might be that they don't, but at least we're both on the same page and at least we're both on the same team. Regardless of what happens, regardless of what that outcome is, we're still. Close enough to be able to consider the other person's perspective to reduce any feelings of offense that we might have to not be so defensive, to not be so tacking. But actually we can really empathize and we can hold with compassion and maybe we even find a mutual ground. So, uh, going back to that example, it might be, okay, well I'm not gonna stay with you the entire night because I might feel a bit anxious about that, but I'll be with you for the dinner. Or I'll be with you for this period of time. And that would, that would be enough. That would be okay. And, you know, I might just make a quiet exit, whatever. It's, but the, the point that I'm trying to make is that it's all about the intention of understanding one another as opposed to just communication. Believe me, it's never just about communication. It's always about understanding one another. Yeah. Second thing is really to do with safety and trust building. And here's the thing. The only way that we can trust our partner fully and truly, is if we feel safe with them. And I'm not just talking about physical safety, of course that is mandatory. If you don't have physical safety, that is a major issue and that is something that you definitely need support with. But what I'm really talking about is emotional and psychological safety. And emotional psychological safety is really about this idea of how much am I considered by this person? How much does this person want good things for me? And at the very least, how much does this person I. Not want bad things to come to me. Do they want me to be okay? Do they want me to be healthy? Do they want me to be safe? Do they want me to be protected? And essentially, do they want my basic needs to be met? Can I feel. Safe with this person? Can I breathe? Can I share my vulnerabilities? Can I expose myself and share parts of myself, the good and the ugly? Can I do that? And know that I'm not going to be criticized, I'm not going to be judged. I'm not going to experience contention from this person. They're not going to be looking down on me. There is no hierarchy, and I'm not having to constantly fight my corner and defend myself with this person. Do they accept me just the way that I am? All of those components are necessary in mandatory for emotional and psychological safety, and typically, if you've been in a relationship for a while. You are going to get a really good gauge as to how emotionally safe you feel with this person, and that might fluctuate over time, and particularly if there's a trauma bonded relationship. And I know, um, I have a lot of expertise in trauma bonds. I. Um, this isn't a conversation specifically to do with the trauma bonded relationship, but, uh, a quick note on that is that your emotional safety is likely to de depreciate over time, and that is because you are experiencing perpetual criticism. Being undermined, humiliated, betrayal, and you really feel insecure with this person. So really in a healthy relationship, if you are working towards reconnecting after either. A big event, a big rupture, or if you are working to reconnect after lots of miniature ruptures or lots of little ty traumas and, and chronic issues, chronic bickering, if that's the case, and you are both intentionally wanting to reconnect, emotional safety is an absolute necessary thing that you need to have in your relationship. It is non-negotiable. That's, that's just the way that it is. And from that, we then feel like we can trust that person. But it really starts off with the concept of emotional safety. Now, I've listed out a whole bunch of things that is needed for emotional safety, like acceptance, not. Being criticized, not being judged in a negative way, and not being ridiculed, not being humiliated. Feeling as if I can share and I can come back to my partner and say, oh, I've had a really rough day, or I'm really worried about what somebody thinks of me, or I'm really not feeling so great in my own skin, or I'm really conscious about my body weight and it's something that I need to do, or I'm really worried about whether or not I'm a good parent. It's being able to share those things with your partner, your worries, and your fears. And it doesn't have to be something major. It could be something small, but it's the ability of doing that, knowing that you'll be held, even if that conversation might be challenging for you to express, but actually you know that your partner is going to hold you regardless. Now, here's the thing. If you have experienced either a big rupture or lots of little ruptures, it can sometimes make it very, very challenging for you to do that with your partner. It can be really exhausting and not necessarily because you believe that they're going to harm you, right? So it might not be in that arena. You might not be trauma bonded in that sense, so you know that they're not going to wish you ill. But at the same time, you don't know if they're going to hold you. You don't know for sure what their response is going to be, and you don't know for sure if they have the capacity of really caring for you in the way that you want to be cared for. Now, going back to my. Understanding and emotional safety cycle. We have to be able to work towards mutual understanding so we can cultivate emotional safety. So stage one, first step. Pursuing understanding with one another. And the more that we do that, the more emotionally safe we can feel with one another. And so if we are feeling emotionally safe with one another, because there is understanding, I feel held, my partner is able to postpone their perspective, even if it's just for five minutes. And you know, my concern might be something like, oh, I'm really worried about how I'm doing in work. I'm really worried because I shouted at the kids and I shouldn't have shouted and I feel bad and debating what did I do and all the rest of it. And instead of my partner jumping up saying, yeah, you just shouldn't have done that, they could just postpone that just for five minutes. Come over to my side, ask me. Help me understand situation and so I can explain that and it's through them doing that. Then I can share more. I can feel more emotionally safe with them. And so the more that I'm able to do that, guess what happens? I actually build on the understanding and I am more likely to want to understand my partner next time. And when there's a disagreement, when there's bickering, when there's a rupture, when there's something else happens, because we've started cultivating that emotional safety and that trust that comes with safety. I also feel capable enough to. Just postpone my immediate response or my urge to sto respond to my partner by saying, Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing or what you're saying? I'm able to postpone that even if it's just for a few moments because. I have it in mind that my partner has good intentions towards me. That my partner is somebody who is safe, who is able to hold that emotional safety. So I have that in mind. And so I'm more likely to have a greater bandwidth to want to understand'em next time when we have a disagreement or when we're bickering or something else happens. So we start off with pursuing understanding that builds. Psychological and emotional safety and the trust that comes with it. When we have psychological and emotional safety, we are then more likely to want to understand the other person. And that cultivates even more emotional and psychological safety. And so we are just perpetually going around that cycle. And the more that we can do that, the more connected we feel. And here's the thing. When we feel connected, that is the true power of creating a partnership. And when you're in a partnership with somebody. You need to be on the same team because it's you two alongside each other wanting to build something with each other, and you are always building with each other. You are always waving each other's flags, but you are both looking at life and you are facing life together. And what's a beautiful proceed? The fact that your. Both there in the same space regardless of what's happening, if it's to you or to your partner, or to both of you, or if it's in between you, whatever it might be. You are both together. You are both on the same team, and you are both wanting growth. You are both wanting to build on something. You are both wanting that improvement for yourselves. You are wanting to safeguard that relationship and you are wanting that relationship to grow and to be nurtured. But please remember the cycle you pursue understanding. It's not about the communication. Communication just comes naturally, but it's about pursuing, understanding, building that psychological safety, which then gives you a bigger bandwidth to want to understand one another, and that cultivates even more psychological safety. I would love to hear how you get on with this information, and until next time, please take care of yourselves and take care of your loved ones.