"Why did I tolerate that?" The hidden 'bandwidth' of rejection, toxic relationship cycles, emotional highs and lows

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome to today's episode because today we have got a really important topic, and it is specifically directed to you. If you've ever been in a relationship and you've questioned, why have I accepted this, and why have I tolerated this, why have I tolerated this action, this comment, this insensitivity, this challenge. Why have I allowed this thing, whatever that thing may be, to continue. Why have I permitted this to happen in the relationship? And by the way, this episode is really for people who are willing to look at themselves, who are willing to take on responsibility as opposed to simply placing the blame on their partner. And I get it psychologically, it is so much easier to point the finger and to blame your partner. Or ex-partner. In fact, in some cases, if they have upset you, if they've hurt you in any way, if they have made critical comments. But the truth is we can never control other people for what they do or don't do. The only thing that you've ever got control over is yourself. So if you are wanting a happy and healthy and most fulfilled relationship, you better start taking responsibility and. Accepting everything as being your responsibility because then it becomes your responsibility to change, your responsibility to take action, your responsibility to decide how it is that I respond to these situations. Your responsibility to figure out what would be in my best interest, what would be in the best interest of this relationship. Do I continue this relationship? Do I not? Do I continue this dynamic? Do I engage in this conversation? Do I end this argument? How do I go about that? But we can only really do those things. We can only answer those questions if we are willing to take responsibility. Now, the topic in question for today is, why did I tolerate that? And so many of us, I would argue actually every single person walking this planet to one degree or another can look at a past relationship or a current relationship, and they might think to themselves. Why have I accepted this? Why did I allow this behavior to continue in my relationship? Why did I permit this? And it might have been a critical comment from your partner, but it wasn't just the one time, it was multiple times, or it might have been something that just didn't quite feel right. Maybe you were, you felt like you were being taught down to, or maybe it felt like you were being negatively judged. Maybe they were being hot and cold with you. But you stayed, you tolerated it, you accepted it to some degree and maybe somewhere in the depth of your mind, you made excuses for it and you said, do you know what? It's okay. I'm gonna let this one slide. It's okay. They didn't really mean that it's okay because we've got far more greater qualities. You know, other things are so much better and it outweighs. Or it might be, you know what? This relationship isn't that bad compared to other relationships I've been in or my friends' relationships or my parents' relationships or other people that I know of. And so somehow we make that thing permissible. We, we allow it to happen, and we don't take responsibility in that moment. Actually, what we end up doing in that moment is we take responsibility for making reasons to allow it to happen, to accept it. So the question is, why did we tolerate this? Why did we allow this thing to happen? And I really want you to be introduced to this idea that I talk about quite often with my clients, and I'm gonna share it with you now, and it's called the bandwidth of acceptance. But really it's the bandwidth of our self-worth. Now, what on earth am I on about in any relationship? There are good days and there are bad days, and I think that would be fair for me to say, and for everybody to accept that, you know, some days you feel really great and you feel like things are going really well, you feel like you're being validated, you feel accepted, you feel good enough, you feel loved, you feel appreciated, you feel seen. And so things are on the up. Things feel calm, things feel peaceful, and those are the good days. Those are the good times, the good moments. It's good weeks, months, however, however it is that you conceptualize it. And so it might be good in the relationship, but you also feel good as well in parallel. And when things are bad, you start questioning everything and things go downhill. So you've got phases where it goes up and phases where it goes down, but really the lines, the trajectory of the up and down remains within a certain bandwidth. So we've got a floor of the bandwidth and we've got a ceiling to the bandwidth. And so the floor of the bandwidth is, this is when stuff is awful. This is when stuff is really painful. This is when stuff feels so challenging, but not challenging enough for me to leave. It feels painful. It hurt. But it's not to the point where I'm willing to walk out of the door. I might question it, I might think about it, but I still stay. And that's really the edge of the floor of your bandwidth. So this is really the lower limit. And the lower limit is ultimately what is the minimum standard that I am willing to accept? What is the minimum standard that I'm willing to accept? And more often than not, this is reflected in our sense of self-worth. So for example, if I feel that I am worthy enough of respect and I really stayed strong to that, then that would be my lower limit of how my interactions play out. And so that would be my flaw. And anyone who disrespects me, they're out of my world. That's it. I I just don't accept it and, and I'm out. Because they've, they've breached the lower limit of my bandwidth. However, as much as I say that, and I use the example of self-worth, unfortunately a lot of us like that idea, but we never actually stay true to it. So I might say, yes, I accept self-worth, and that is something that is mandatory, that is something that is a non-negotiable, but how much I actually stick to it, that's a different question. And our lower limit of what it is that we're willing to accept in a relationship can often vary, and it varies over time. So for example, if you are on your first date or even second, third date with somebody, and let's say they made a comment that was really critical, or they said something that was really out of your alignment in terms of your values, maybe they. Said something negative about religion when actually you are really religious and spiritual. Or maybe they were really racist and that was something that was hurtful, whatever it might be. But let's say that happened at the start of dating, chances are you probably wouldn't meet that person again, and you wouldn't meet them because they've breached the lower limit of what it is that you are willing to accept. However, here's the interesting thing. Let's say you've been with this person for six months, a year, two years, 10 years, however long. But as time goes on, somehow we don't actually adhere to those lower limits of what it is that we're willing to accept. So on the first date, if somebody says, Hey, you're a bit chubby, or they make some kind of critical comment about my appearance, chances are I probably wouldn't meet them again. In fact, I definitely wouldn't meet them again. But if I've been with this person. Even for a few months and they made that comment, I'm actually more likely to negotiate as to why I should be staying with them and why it's okay for me to be in that dynamic, in that relationship. And so that also illustrates that if I'm not aware enough of what my lower limit, what the flaw is, of what it is that I'm willing to accept that bandwidth. Then I'm likely to breach it and breach it myself. I'm likely to betray my own standards, and this is exactly the process that people go under when they end up in really harmful and toxic relationships. And there are loads of other things that are involved. For example, insecure attachment styles, certain wounds, and certain shadows in terms of our personality traits, traumas that we would've had in the past. Certain challenging dynamics that we have anyway, if we're peacemakers or if we are more likely to slip into a subordinate role, or if we really struggle with dominance and confronting somebody or having these frank conversations. You know, all of these things play out, but ultimately what it feeds into is our ability, ability to negotiate our own. Lower limits of what it is that we're willing to accept. And so we accept more and more challenging, more and more painful dynamics that end up hurting us in the long run. And we do that just because we're not aware of this bandwidth. But you know, I've spoken a lot about the lower limit here and about the floor of the bandwidth, but we actually have a ceiling to this bandwidth as well. And the ceiling is the subconscious. Limit that we place on ourselves with regards to what it is that we believe that we are most worthy of having. So, for example, I might believe that I am worthy enough of having love, but for me to really deeply and emotionally belief that I'm worthy of having unconditional love, that would be out of my limit, that would be way beyond my ceiling. And so I can't even accept that into my reality. I can't accept a potential of me being lovable just the way that I am. I can't accept the potential of me being lovable if I didn't earn enough or if I wasn't intelligent enough, if I wasn't good looking enough, if I wasn't all of the enoughs. And so I've capped what it is that I'm willing to accept. And so let's say I meet somebody and I go on a date with them, and they are. So wonderful, and they're so nice and they're so generous, and they're so kind and so thoughtful, and sure, it might be really nice, but after a while I might get a bit suspicious of it, and I, I don't really understand it. It doesn't really fit in with my profile. And the reason why it doesn't fit in with my profile is because it breaches my upper limit of what it is that I'm willing to accept this person. Has treated me and shown me something that is above my ceiling of acceptance. And so I'm only ever willing to accept and engage with somebody who interacts with me at the same level as what my bandwidth dictates. So I've got a lower limits, I've got the floor, and I've got the ceiling, and I remain in this space. And this is so true for anyone who has ever been in a relationship where. They might be in a phase where they think, you know what? Things are okay. They're going well, they're not so bad, eh, well, actually, no, we do have challenging days, but you know, it's not too bad. In fact, you know what? It's not ideal. I'm not happy, I'm not fulfilled, but eh, it's not bad enough for me to end the relationship. And you can even hear it in my voice there where I'm debating with myself whether it's good or bad, and I'm kind of unsure. Right. I'm, I'm looking at both angles and I'm like, ah, no, it's fine. Let's just continue stagnating, and we're stagnating in this bandwidth. Now, for anyone listening to this, if this resonates with you, I'm gonna give you something, and this is ultimately the options that you have got. Number one, you've got the option of staying. You can stay stagnating for as long as you wanna stagnate. But here's the problem with stagnating. Nothing will change if you don't change. You are just going to become more aware of it. You're going to be more resentful, and actually a potential consequence is your lower limit of this bandwidth. Your flaw will go down and down and down as time goes on, and it will go down because you are not feeding your sense of self-worth and you are not feeding. And nurturing what a healthy relationship should look like or what it would look like in your vision. You are not doing either of those things. You are just praying and hoping that something might change without really taking on ownership or responsibility. It's almost like you are hoping for the flower to bloom without ever even watering it or getting its sunlight or putting it in soil, and how can you ex expect that it's just not going to happen? So something that's really important for us to consider is, am I willing to remain in the space of stagnation? Am I willing, and what are the consequences of that? Because guess what, if you don't do anything now, what would happen in five years time? What would happen in 10 years time? Is this something that you are willing to allow yourself to experience for the next 10 years? Is it because if it is, that is. Really sad, in my opinion. In my opinion, that is torturous because then you would've wasted a whole heap of time and a whole heap of life when you could've just been happy. And we're here on this planet not to suffer, but we're here to experience the joys that life has to offer us. Now, I'll ask you first option though, and your second option. Well, your second option is that you do something. And I'm gonna give you two methods, two techniques that are really short, that are quick, difficult, that is difficult, I'm not gonna lie to implement, but actually it's something that's going to be really fruitful for you. Okay? And first technique is if you were to imagine yourself as a different entity, if you were to imagine looking at yourself as if you are a third person, I want you to ask yourself the simple question. What is it that you are allowing this person to receive? What is it that you are allowing this person to receive? And then you can make a choice. What is it that you want this person to receive? What is it that you want them to receive? Because whatever it is that you want them to receive, that has to be the new aim. That has to then be the. Standard of the bandwidth. And guess what? You and only you are responsible for this. And whenever I say this to clients, people are saying to me, oh yeah, but my partner won't comply. My, you know, I'll talk to my partner, but they won't adhere. They won't listen to me no matter how I talk. And guess what? With that, neither me nor you can predict. What the future holds. Neither of us have got a crystal ball. However, what I can guarantee is that if you work towards what it is that you are wanting to accept for yourself, life will show you the path, and life will show you the path in terms of guessing your partner to change, your partner will naturally see what your standard is. And if the relationship is important enough, if you are important enough to them, they will pay attention and they will be within that realm of standard that you are putting out there because that is the only way that the relationship could work. Or they exit and you exit. And that's also okay because actually if the exit happens, then that also means. That your standards were not being adhered to in terms of what you want them to be for yourself. And actually, if you stayed, you'd be tolerating something that you're not wanting to tolerate, you're not wanting to accept, and it gives you the opportunity of finding what it is that you're really looking for somewhere else, with someone else. So really it's about asking yourself this question of. If I was looking at myself as a third person, what is it that I am willing to accept for this person? What is it that I want to accept for this person? And that should really be the thing that we pursue. That was my first technique. My second technique, this one's a bit of a mind bender, but it's this, we need to inverse the bandwidth. That's right. We need to inverse the bandwidth. So whatever it was, that was our initial upper limit that then needs to become the floor of our new bandwidth, whatever was on our upper limit previously, that has to become the new floor of our bandwidth. And we've only only got up to go from that. That's, that's all that we've got. So I'm gonna put it into a concrete example. Let's say for example. I had an upper limit of what it is that I was willing to accept, and the upper limit was, well, I'm only good enough to be in this relationship. I'm only good enough to be loved if I contribute X financially to the household, whatever that number is. But let's, let's use that as an example. So my partner only really wants to be with me, and I'm only worthy enough to be in this relationship. I contribute this amount to this relationship or to this household. Now, if that's the case, I want you to test that. And I'm not saying, Hey, go into poverty and go bankrupt and you know, run up credit card bills and all that stuff. That's not what I'm, that's not what I'm implying. But what would it be like to enter a realm where you. Being in that relationship, you, your enoughness of being in that relationship was no longer dependent on how much it is that you earned or how much it is that you contributed to the household. And maybe you test this out with your partner if it feels safe enough. What would it be like to tell your partner, Hey, you know what? I'm really nervous that I'm only good enough for my money or for what it's, I contribute and I wonder what it would be like if I contributed a bit less. You know, I'm still doing all the necessary things in the household, but what would it be like if I contributed less? And actually, can I still experience love in the same way? Can I potentially experience more love? And if we have that conversation again, only if it's safe enough to do so. But if we have that conversation and if we actually act that out and just see what it's like. And if we still receive love, what that's actually doing is it's teaching your mind, your subconscious and your nervous system. Hey, I'm still accepted, I'm still loved, I'm still treated the same, even when I don't res, don't contribute as much. So actually maybe that condition that I had on myself in terms of, you know what it is that I would be willing to accept my upper limit, maybe that condition isn't accurate. It. And from there, we've now formed a new lower limit. And so my lower limit then becomes, I'm lovable regardless of how much it is I contribute towards a household, and that's the new flaw. And so then I've only got it to go from that. All right. And we can use that same technique with whichever condition that is coming to you, whichever limitation that we might have in terms of our ceiling, but it's really considering every single ceiling limit that we ever had, testing it out, seeing its validity. And I'm not even saying testing out logically in terms of logically, can you rationalize that you would still be loved? If you didn't look a certain way or if you didn't contribute a certain way, or if you weren't as intelligent, or if you didn't do all these things, you know, logically we can understand. Well, yeah, sure. Maybe, um, but I'm not talking about logically understanding. I'm talking about emotionally understanding, and so for the emotional understanding, we have to go a lot deeper and we have to really appreciate that change. We really have to appreciate. What it would feel like to be in that space, to test it out, to be at our edge and only when we are at our edge. That's really when things shift, and that's really when we can start to inversing that bandwidth so we can go higher with regards to what it is that we are wanting to have in our relationship, but also what it is that we're willing to accept. And guess what, if you do this work. And if your partner also does this work as well alongside you, you are guaranteed to have a much more fulfilling relationship because you are both working for something better for yourselves, for the other person. You are going to end up feeling far more fulfilled in your relationship and it's going to be far more meaningful because you are really going to be experiencing it. On a conscious level, and you're going to be resolving all of these hidden wounds and these hidden pain points that have kept you within that bandwidth. I would absolutely love to hear what thoughts you have on this episode, so please get in touch. My details are in the show notes below, and until next time, take care.