High Quality Women Escape Toxic Relationships

Discover why high achievers often attract toxic relationships and form trauma bonds. Dr Sarah explores the hidden wounds of "not being enough," the fixer mindset, and the subconscious drive to seek validation through emotionally unavailable or critical partners. Learn how unresolved self-worth issues fuel attachment to harmful relationship dynamics, and why healing your inner narrative is key to breaking the trauma bond cycle. Ideal for professionals seeking healthier love, emotional stability, and deep relationship transformation. 

We hope you got massive value from this episode in supporting your self-worth growth and relationship repair. If you do want more support, please click here for a free consultation https://calendly.com/relationshipsuccesslab-info/discovery-call

Transcript

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Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. If anything that we talk about today does resonate with you, please click the link below and we would be more than happy to help you now on with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome to today's episode. We are going to be talking about why high achievers specifically attract toxic relationships and why it is that you end up in trauma bonds. And I think this is really fascinating because as a high achiever. You have relentlessly worked for everything in your life. You are constantly trying to succeed. You are constantly trying to better yourself, to better your life, to better everything that is in your life. And you've grafted, you've worked hard, but somehow your relationship. Sucks behind closed doors, and it's not for the lack of trying, because actually you try really hard to develop and cultivate these happy, loving, exciting, passionate relationships. But it seems to fall apart and behind closed doors. You are filled with anxiety. You are filled with fear, with doubts, with uncertainty. You don't know where you stand. You are in this limbo phase. So I guarantee that there will be certain people, maybe it's your love life, maybe it's your romantic partner, and it might be somebody else, a friend, a colleague, family member. But I guarantee that there will be somebody where you question, actually, should I even maintain this dynamic? I know it's not healthy. I know that I'm really unhappy. I know it sucks. But at the same time, I can't let go. There's that person where I'm constantly feeding that relationship, even though it also feels like a bit of a dead end. Now I'm gonna say why, if you are a high achiever and you've worked really, really hard, why is that? You are at risk of having these damaging relationships and the reason why it surprise you. But please understand this point. And first off, I just wanna say that if you like this show, please share it with a friend, because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends or family members will do too. So let's dive in. Hmm. What is going on? Well, the thing is, is that as a high achiever, you may or may not know. But that is a deep seated wound that forces you to be a high achiever and that wound is this. It is the fear of not being enough. The reason why people drive and they're constantly working and they're relentless at trying to improve absolutely everything in their life, is because they have. This self-critical voice that is constantly playing in their mind like a broken record. They are constantly criticizing themselves. They're constantly worrying about whether or not they're good enough and. This might sound a little bit like, huh, what does this person think of me? Do they think that I'm attractive enough? Do they think that I earn enough money? Do they think that I've presented myself well? Do they like me? Do they care about me? Have I done enough for this person, for them to see me? Have I showed them enough interest for them to show me a little bit of interest in return? And typically what happens is that there is this huge fear of not being enough. And believing that my enoughness is based on how other people treat me and how other people see me. So my worth is very much caught up in how other people treat me, and if that's the case, I am going to be working so, so hard. To get other people to see me, to get other people, to witness me, to make sure that other people who are in my life, whether they're, they've got close proximity, so friends, family, romantic partners, or even people who I just see, but I'm not too close to like work colleagues and acquaintances, but I'm going to work so hard for them to see me in a particular light. And the reason why I worked so hard for that is not because necessarily I like these people. I convince myself that I like these people, but actually I don't spend too much time thinking about that. What I spend more time thinking about is how does this person see me? How does this person value me? And I'm constantly considering, am I putting value into this person's life now? I really want to take the time to say there is a distinct difference between how is it that I nurture this person and how this person nurtures me. So a mutual nurturing relationship, which is really healthy and fulfilling. There is a distinct difference between that versus how is it that I am giving this person an inputting into their life continuously so that they see me and. I don't know about you, you, the listener, but more often than not, it sounds a little bit like, well, maybe if I just stress a little bit better, maybe if I lost a bit of weight, maybe if I, maybe the best meal ever. Maybe if I got a promotion, maybe if I read this book, maybe if I did this project, maybe if I. Started my own company, my own business, whatever it is. But maybe if I do this, then my partner will see me. Maybe if I speak to them in a particular way, they will hear me. Maybe if I invite their friends over and we just spend time with each other and their friends, then they'll wanna spend more time with me because they'll see that I'm fun. They'll see that their friends like me. And so we're constantly making up all of these different scenarios and all of these different questions. Of our being based on how our partner treats us. And we ultimately take it as absolute evidence. So if my partner wants to spend time with me, then I'm worthy. If my partner understands me, then I'm worthy. If my partners paid attention to me, then I'm worthy. If my partner shows me care and affection, then I'm worthy. And so we're constantly working so, so hard to get validation for our worth, and we base that validation of our worth on how our partner treats us. But guess what? That is not really an indicator of your worth. If you are always watching how the other person treats you, and then you are taking that as evidence of your worth, then you've got the whole thing upside down. Because how somebody else treats you is not under your control and how somebody else treats you is really about them. It's not about you. And the thing is, is that as a high achiever, if you are constantly doing this because of your fear of not enoughness, of that wound of, I'm going to be abandoned if I don't constantly give, if I don't constantly show up in a particular way, that I won't find anyone else or that I'm isolated or this is the most that I can ever get, if all of that is happening in the background. What occurs in your relationship is that you attract the very person that evokes all of those fears. That evokes all of those wounds. That's right. You attract that person, the person who evokes all of those fears and wounds and. You might be questioning, well, why would I want to attract these people? And here's the truth. You do not attract what it is that you want. Nobody wants to have a partner who makes'em question their worth. Nobody wants to attract a partner who says mean things. Nobody wants to attract a partner who has really high standards. And I feel like I can't achieve those standards. Nobody wants that. But we get attracted to it, and we get attracted to it because that is the narrative we expect. So if I am constantly criticizing myself, I expect my partner to also criticize me. If I expect, and I believe that I'm not good enough, I also expect my partner to see that I'm not good enough. And the inverse is true because if I meet somebody who constantly praises me, who accepts me just the way that I am. I get a bit of an ick. I don't really understand it. I get a bit turned off and it just doesn't match up, and I might say, oh, well, we just don't have that spark. Or I might find'em a bit boring and just not go on the next date with them, whatever it is. But the reason why I end up rejecting the people who see that I'm enough is because it does not fit with my expectations. It does not fit with my repertoire. And by the way, these are all subconscious processes, but that's the thing. If somebody tells me that I'm good enough or if somebody really pays attention to me, if somebody shows me understanding love and compassion, and I'm not expecting that, or I only expect to receive those things if I've worked exceptionally hard for them and this person is just showing me all of those beautiful things without me working for it. I don't get it. I just don't get it. It's weird, right? Have you ever been on a date with somebody who's really nice and you think, oh my goodness, like they are nice and I can't say anything bad about them, but oh, just doesn't quite fit. Like, you know, there's just not that spark or it just doesn't quite match up. What there's, you know, there's something that's a bit repelling about it. Guess what? That repelling feeling that you have, that's because they're not criticizing you enough. That's because. They don't make your subconscious question your enoughness. You just don't pick up on that from them because they don't have that. And so you end up attracting what it is that you expect. You attract the person that evokes your wounds, and that is it. That is constantly what is happening in the background. So if you're a high achiever, you are absolutely going to be having this wound and this fear. Okay. The second point is, as a high achiever, you also have an additional trait. You have the trait of I'm a fixer. Now, this is a really blunt way of talking about it, but ultimately you've got this trait of, well, if anybody is going to do this, it will be me. Because I work really, really hard and I can't tell you about the countless of people in hundreds at the stage, hundreds of people that I've worked with where they say to me, oh, well, you know, I just, I, I really wanted. Things to improve and I was hoping that they would see me. I was praying that they would see me. I could see that they were avoidant, but maybe I could change that. I could see that maybe they were struggling in relationship and you know, they struggled to connect. They struggled to communicate, but you know, somehow it was going to be different with me. Yeah, and it's almost like this unicorn effect, like I'm the unicorn that is going to change this person. I'm the unicorn that's going to save this person from their own problems, from their own dramas that they've created. Because I can see that my partner really wants a secure relationship. They want love. I want love as well. Uh, they have got a troubled past and sometimes they show up in ways that are not so healthy. But I'm the one to save them. And this might, again, like I said, this might sound like a really blunt way of phrasing it, but this is exactly what happens in your subconscious and. It also stems from a past, from a history as a child of feeling like you always have to step up because other people couldn't step up. So if you had an upbringing where either you were the first child, first born child, or you had an upbringing where there was a lot of chaos, a lot of drama in the household, there was a lot of shouting, there were ruptures, or maybe there was an absent parent. You would've had to step up and you would've had to be the bigger person. You would've had to do a lot more of the caring. You would've almost had to be a pseudo parent as a child. And if that's the case for you, well guess what? You are likely to have this fixer trait to come up. And finally, third point. The third point is really about the hidden payoff. Now, what does that even mean? Well. The thing is, whenever we enter a relationship, even if it's a toxic one, even if it's a harmful one, but with any relationship, that is always a benefit to be gained, and that's right. Even with toxic, unhealthy trauma-based relationships, there is always something to be gained. Now, we might not see this at first, it might not feel so obvious because. Chances are you'd say, well, actually no, I just want my partner to treat me nice. I just want my partner to communicate with me. I just want them to understand me. I want them to see me. I want them to love me. And that's all valid. By the way. You want your partner to do those things for you. Why wouldn't you? But the reason why we end up in these harmful relationships. And why we sustain and why we maintain these relationships is because there is a hidden payoff. Otherwise we would've ended it. So the hidden payoff tends to be, well, I still get some bits of love, I get breadcrumbs, but at least I get crumbs. I. I have to work really hard for it, but I do get some form of validation. I suffer and I struggle and I feel like I'm on the floor, but there are times when this person elevates me. There are times when I see that this person shows me love and they show me care and affection, even though they've also knocked me down. And so I'm staying because of the hope of the affection that I'm going to get. Again, I hope that I'm going to be loved again. I hope that I am going to feel worthy in this person's eyes. That is the reason why I'm staying, that there is always a hidden payoff. And guess what? If you are a high achiever and you've got this deep seated fear of not being enough, you will sustain. Trauma bonds, you will sustain these toxic relationships unless if you change your patterns, your patterns around your self-talk and your self-worth and how it is that you connect the two, otherwise, I guarantee you will just enter one harmful relationship into the next, into the next, into the next. As much as you might think, oh, no, no, I've learned my lesson. I guarantee if you don't do the work. You will enter another harmful relationship time and time again because your subconscious doesn't know. And so there's always this hidden payoff. And if you're a high achiever, like I said, and you've got this wound of not being enough, well then the payoff is getting enoughness. But you would only ever get enoughness in the context of not being enough. Hence why you would always be in a trauma bond because a trauma bond would teach you that you are not enough and you have to work incredibly hard to have any form of self-worth validation. And that's how the cycle is maintained and it will always be maintained a guarantee it, unless if you actually do the work on healing that wound. So where do you go from here? Well. First off, like I said, you have to work on your enoughness, and that is something that I do day in, day out with my clients and I'm so excited because I've got a program coming out soon, which I will share with the world on how it is that you can start healing your. Trauma bonds and your wounds and actually really improving your self-worth. So that's one thing. The second thing is really about recognizing the difference between what is my stuff and what is your stuff. So my stuff might be the wounds, abandonment, an anxious attachment style. My worries about how good enough I am, all of those things would belong to me. But what belongs to you is how you treat me. And that's a real distinction because how you treat me literally has nothing to do with me. How you treat me has a lot more to do with you. In fact, it has everything to do with you and not me. And that's a real distinction. We cannot connect the two. We cannot connect my worth based on how it is that you treat me. So that's something really crucial to keep in mind. And. Finally, I really want you to sit with this question, and the question is, what hard am I choosing? Hmm. I. It might sound like a bit of a random question, but I really want you to sit with this and question, what hard am I choosing? Because in anything in life, you are going to be making a decision, and both sides of the coin are going to be difficult. For example, do I stay with this person or do I not stay with this person? Well, guess what? Both things are hard if you stay in these. Harmful damaging, toxic relationship cycles. That is hard because your worth will always be questioned and you will always have to work to prove yourself to somebody and ultimately to prove yourself to yourself. But if you end the relationship, that's also another kind of hard, because you are having to detox from this person, from this cycle. But actually the real challenge is detoxing. The trauma that's inside of you is really changing what it is that's going on inside of you that attracts these relationships or that wants to sustain these relationships. So it's really about choosing your heart. And with that, I really invite you, I implore you to get in touch and really book in through a link I can send you to have a bit more of a conversation about this because if this resonated with you. I think we can do some magical work together to really get you to a space where you are no longer anxious behind closed doors, but you can actually start living the best life you could possibly have. Until next time, take care and I'll see you on the other side. I am on a mission to reach as many people as possible, and you would be helping me out more than you know by subscribing to this podcast, rating it and sharing it with a friend. And if any of this resonates with you, please click the link to see how it is that we can help you gain relationship, fitness and move towards relationship success.