You Chose To Speak Bad About Yourself: 5 Reasons You Stayed

We uncover the biggest hidden barrier to healing from trauma bonds, toxic relationships, insecure attachment styles, and codependency—your unconscious choice to suppress your self-worth.

Dr. Sarah breaks down why so many high-achievers and emotionally intelligent individuals unknowingly compromise their self-worth in order to maintain harmful or emotionally unavailable relationships. Whether you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, this episode helps you understand the emotional disconnect between your head and your heart when it comes to self-worth and healing.

Key topics include:

• Why we choose to reduce our self-worth to maintain relationships
• The emotional cost of people-pleasing, shrinking, and self-betrayal
• The hidden "benefits" that keep you stuck in toxic relationship patterns
• Five major psychological shifts that happen during trauma bond recovery
• How attachment wounds affect your dating and relationship choices
• Why self-worth is a felt experience, not just a logical belief
• How to start rebuilding and embodying secure self-worth—whether you’re single or in a relationship

This episode is essential for anyone recovering from narcissistic abuse, emotional neglect, or toxic love, and who is ready to stop reliving the same relationship dynamics.

🎧 Listen now if you're ready to reclaim your worth, build secure relationships, and finally break free from the cycle of pain.

Trauma bond recovery, toxic relationship healing, self-worth, codependency, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, healing from toxic relationships, relationship trauma, how to build self-worth, people-pleasing, emotional healing, secure relationships

We hope you got massive value from this episode in supporting your self-worth growth and relationship repair. If you do want more support, please click here for a free consultation https://calendly.com/relationshipsuccesslab-info/discovery-call

Transcript

0:37

Hello and welcome to this episode. So good to have you here, my friends, because I'm going to be talking about something that is challenging to hear, but I think it's absolutely necessary, and this is because everyone talks about this but doesn't actually say this. Everybody is going through this process when they are healing from a trauma bond. But they can't verbalize it. They actually don't know that they're going through this process. So this is the biggest hidden secret that you will be going through if you are recovering from a toxic relationship, from a trauma bond, from unhealthy relationship patterns, and from an insecure attachment style. Whether you be anxious or dismissive, avoidant. This is what you will be going through and it's a secret, even though you're talking about it, but you don't actually recognize it, you don't see it, and I can absolutely hands down tell you that this is the thing that is going to be a game changer for you. I hope light bulbs go off when I'm talking here because it's really about how you do not want to improve your self-worth. It's actually about you choosing to suppress your self-worth. It's actually about you choosing to minimize and reduce your self-worth. Now, I might sound a little bit crazy. I might sound like a lunatic, but I promise you this is the biggest thing that is both holding you back in terms of your recovery. This is the thing that is maintaining these unhealthy dynamics, the codependency. The people pleasing, the shrinking. This will be the thing that is keeping you stuck in a pattern where you are constantly driving to please and never actually feeling pleased yourself. This is the thing. It is actually about you choosing to suppress your self-worth. Now you might be listening to this thinking, this is crazy, and why would anyone choose that? And I definitely don't do that, right? You are probably saying that to yourself right now. But I can pretty much guarantee that if you are in a harmful relationship or if you are really distressed by what is going on. You are absolutely doing this because people talk about it without actually realizing that they're talking about it. So I'm going to be talking to you about how this shows up, how this plays out in a very hidden way, even though it's hidden in plain sight. And I'm also going to be talking to you about five main things that occur during this process when you are healing, but also tips and techniques that you can implement to help you out along the way. Now first things first, you might be asking, well, why the hell would anybody choose to reduce their self-worth? Why would I possibly consider reducing my self-worth? And the reason is that there is a benefit, right? There is actually a hidden benefit to you reducing your self-worth, and the benefit is that you maintain the relationship. Now for many people, they really struggle between this idea of, do I keep the relationship and all of its challenges and try to work really, really hard through the challenges so I can come out on the other side being happy in this relationship. Or do I end this relationship? Do I leave? But if I leave, I'll also be heartbroken and I will be missing out on all the potential opportunity that this relationship has to offer. I will be devastated that I invested so much of my time, my energy, my love into this person, into the relationship, and it doesn't. Go to plan. So what do I do? Right? And so the idea of the relationship ending just feels too challenging because it brings up a lot of uncertainty, but to remain in a painful relationship, sure, it's painful, it's not comfortable, but it's familiar. I know the drill, I know how I need to operate just to get to the next day, just so that I can move forward just so that I can see my partner's smile maybe, and. It's that familiarity that keeps us going. But for me to maintain the familiarity, for me to maintain that relationship, something's gotta give. And the thing that you are most willing to compromise on is your self-worth. That is ultimately it, because you are working so relentlessly hard to maintain this relationship because if you don't. Or if you end it, then you're really having to look at yourself in the mirror. You're really having to question, well, what the hell happened? Why did I keep this? Why did I sacrifice so much for myself? Why did I tolerate so many situations where I was not understood? I was dismissed, I was criticized, I was negatively judged. I was. Left hanging by thread. I didn't know if they were thinking about me or if they cared about me. Why would I sustain that kind of relationship? Because if you really start looking at those things, you will then start to recognize, oh. I stayed in those positions because I didn't feel like I was worth more than that. I stayed in those harmful positions because I didn't feel like I could ask for more. I stayed in those really toxic patterns because I didn't feel like I would receive anything better. I stayed there because I believe that is what I was worth. That is what I equated to. And how sad is that? But that's the reason why you would remain in these situations, right? And that's the reason why you would. Choose to reduce your self-worth. You choose to reduce your self-worth in order to enable these toxic relationships. Because if you grew, if you upleveled in terms of your self-worth, no part of you would tolerate a harmful relationship. No part of you would tolerate toxic patterns. No part of you would tolerate a trauma bond. It just, you just wouldn't tolerate it because it's not in your repertoire. You would know with absolute certainty that you are worthy of more. Your head and your heart would know with absolute certainty that you deserve to receive more. And so it just wouldn't make sense. You would not, you would not permit it. You just wouldn't permit it. It just wouldn't even occur to you for that to be okay to stay in and you would be out of the door like it wouldn't even be a conversation, right? There is no negotiation in that moment. But if you are negotiating, you are actually negotiating with your self-worth, and let me tell you, it is far easier for you to compromise on your self-worth than for you to ask somebody else to see that you are worthy. I'm gonna repeat that again. It is far easier for you to compromise on your self-worth. Than for you to ask somebody else to see that you are worthy. Because if you are asking somebody else to see that you are worthy, you are also asking them to change. You are also asking them to see you, to hear you, to witness you, to appreciate you, to value you. And if they don't do that naturally, it means that you would have to work for it. But also the fear comes up in, oh gosh, what else do I need to do? What else more can I give this person? Or how else can I mute myself? How else can I edit myself? So this other person sees me, so they witness me. And all of these things are incredibly challenging. They're incredibly difficult for you to consider, but that is ultimately the reason why we would choose to compromise our self-worth. And I have seen this. Countless times, I've seen this with hundreds, if not thousands of people just entering my clinic. And I have seen this throughout history of research in this topic. So sincerely, it is this idea of you choosing to reduce your self-worth, even though it logically doesn't make sense. And this really brings me to point number one. So I've got five points I really want to share with you in terms of why you remain in the state, but also how it is that you can get yourself outta the state. That is if you choose to level up. So number one, there is a discrepancy between your head and your heart. Logically, it is easy to rationalize your self-worth. Logically, it is easy to say. Yes, I'm worthy. I'm just as good as anybody else walking this planet. And yes, I deserve happiness. Yes, I deserve love. Yes, I deserve acceptance. Logically, it's a lot easier to get to that state than it is emotionally and. Actually, our self-worth really lies with our emotions because our self-worth isn't necessarily something that we just think about, but it's something that we feel and our emotions drive our behaviors. I mean, if you were to ask me, us as humans, as babies, we are born with the ability to feel far sooner than we've got the ability to think. Right. That's a fair statement. I'm sure everybody would agree with me on that. And so that in itself just shows that actually everything that we do, everything that comes out of us, really does stem from emotions. Even if you were to look at our vibrational frequency, just from a metaphysical standpoint, even if you were to look at how cognitions occur, even if you were to look at how our nervous system gets activated, everything is attached with emotions and so is our self-worth. But for us to feel worthy, that's really where the work is. And so I would really urge you when you are in this dilemma, when you are in this battle, it's really considering how do I feel about myself? I want you to get out of your head and to really slow down, quieten down, and just ask yourself, how do I feel about myself? Without filter, without judgment, how do I feel about the person that I live with, which is me? And just listen to the voice, listen to what comes out, because that is going to be the indicator of your self-worth. So if the voice comes out is, well, actually, I'm not too sure, or actually I'm a bit disappointed, or. Ah, I should have been doing more. I should have received more. I should be more. When you are in that space or if there is a self-critical voice that comes out, then that in itself shows and it tells you that actually you self-worth is fractured, and when it's fractured. It is going to tolerate harmful relationship patterns. It will permit unhealthy toxic dynamics. It will permit a trauma bond, and so it's imperative that we really pay attention to the feeling of our worth, the feeling that we have when we think about ourselves. Number two, it's. About considering what stage in life you're at, so whether or not you are in a relationship that is going to have a massive impact with regards to how you feel about your worth. And I see this so many times in people when they are single, they believe they're worthy, and they go about their day, they see their friends, they go to work, they go to the gym, they go to these events, whatever it might be, but. They generally feel okay, but then the moment they start dating somebody, the moment they're in a relationship, the moment that they enter this kind of dynamic, then they start to question, well, actually, I don't know. I don't know. And that's when all the anxiety comes out. That's when all the fear comes out. That's when all the uncertainty. Gets exposed, and the reason why it gets exposed is because they are literally in the situation that evokes their deepest wounds. So it's, it's almost like saying, well, okay, so let's say you were a smoker, right? And you quit smoking, but then all of a sudden you go out with a bunch of your friends and then they all go outside and they're all smoking a cigarette. In that moment, it might evoke you because you are reminded with all the cues, you are reminded of the smell because you can smell it there. You are reminded of the smoke, you're reminded of the hand action. You are reminded of everything, right? You are literally in a situation that evokes your historical addiction. And so in that moment. You then might notice your heart rate increasing. You might notice, oh, I could actually really go for one. Or you might even notice, oh my goodness, I actually feel a bit sick looking at this, but, but you'll notice some kind of physical response, a strong physical response when you are witnessing that situation. Right? And the reason why I'm using this as an example, it's a bit of a random example, but the reason why I'm talking about this is because it's the same when you enter a relationship, the moment that you enter a relationship. It reminds you of your deepest fears, of your deepest wounds. So if you had the fear of abandonment growing up, if you had an anxious attachment start, if you had these concerns, these worries about how good enough you are, and then all of a sudden you are in a relationship. Everything that happens in the relationship will be projecting out into those cracks Your self-worth. Would have cracks inside of them and everything that happens in the relationship, whether the person calls you or they don't call you or they're late or they message you that they're thinking about you or they don't. All of these signs are literally going to be pouring into the cracks of your self-worth and you are going to be absorbing it. You are constantly going to be questioning what is going on here, and that will be evoking. A high level of anxiety, it will be evoking a visceral reaction. So it's really imperative that you understand that it's not this particular relationship, right? It's actually you. It's you and your self-worth. Because if your self-worth was solid, and let's say you went on a date and you thought, Hmm, this person is a bit rude, or they're a bit critical, or something isn't quite right. Then you just wouldn't go out with them again. Right? You would be able to end it very, very easily without question. And that's because you have no cracks in your self-worth and anything that they pour out, well, it just, you know, just floats off you. Like you, you don't have to actually consider it all, you just know it's an automatic no. But if you've already got cracks in your self-worth and then somebody pours something into it, you are going to absorb it. It's going to enter, it's going to infiltrate. And when it infiltrates, guess what? It's easy to compromise on your self-worth because it's already been compromised. You have already been used to the idea of compromising, and so you know the drill. You subconscious know the drill, and so it just keeps the story going. It just maintains the same pattern, different face, different shoe size, same pattern. So. It's really about considering, well, how can I really build my self-worth both when I'm in the relationship and outside of the relationship? So this is actually ongoing work. This is not something to do just when you're in a relationship, but this is also something to strengthen when you are feeling okay. And the reason why it's important for you to strengthen and to top up when you are feeling okay is because you are wanting to safeguard yourself. You are wanting to strengthen yourself and become resilient of anything that might pour into the cracks. You are literally wanting to fill those cracks so that you are no longer impacted by it. And if you're wanting to have a conversation with me about this, I'm more than happy to share a link so we can have a chat, because I sincerely believe this is work that everybody should do and everybody deserves because what is more beautiful is life than feeling like you are good enough to live life. That is ultimately why we're here. Right? Okay. Point number three. It is your attachment. To the idea that self-worth is. Out there. That self-worth is conditional upon you doing something else. So I know it just sounded a bit technical there. What does this mean? Well, ultimately it means that a lot of us have been brought up with conditioning. With conditioning that. I will be good enough when I'm pretty enough, when my hair is done nicely, when I weigh this much, when I look this particular way, when I earn this particular income, when I speak this way, when I'm this intelligent, when I have this money, when I have this job, when I have the status, when, when, when, when, when. Only then will I be good enough? Only then will people like me. Only then will people appreciate me and they'll see me and they'll pay attention to me and they'll value me. Only then. So we get brought up with all of these conditions, and not only do we get brought up with these conditions, but we're actually incredibly attached to these conditions. So we're holding onto these conditions for dear life. We are really ruthlessly trying to protect these conditions. And again, difference between the head and the hearts. So logically I might recognize, okay, well. You know, maybe I'll be okay, or maybe I should be appreciated even if I didn't get this promotion. But emotionally, your emotions run the show when it comes to the stuff, and if emotionally you are attached to the idea that your self-worth is conditional, you'll remain in that state. So it's really about untangling the conditions of your self-worth from. What your worth really is, and your worth is not attached to conditions. And you know, I'm, I'm kind of talking outside of things like actively hurting people or actively manipulating people or actively trying to harm people. I'm not talking about that, but I am talking about the fact that all of these shoulds of achievements or shoulds of how we should be, what we should have, what we should do. None of those things really reflect our worth, like our action, our achievements are what they are, and our worth is completely independent, and it's really about building our worth. Okay. Point number four. It is about protecting our abandonment. We. Hold on for dear life. To these toxic relationships that force us to suppress our self-worth, that force us to ignore our worth, to compromise our our worth, so we never face the risk of feeling abandoned. Now for most people, if you have an anxious attachment style, if you have worked incredibly hard to be seen, to be a people pleaser, to rescue other people, to make sure that other people are okay, and therefore, somehow you'll be okay if, if you've been doing all of these things growing up and as an adult you are really anxious about whether or not other people really like you and you are having to go above and beyond. What that really mirrors is this fear of being abandoned. And so you are likely to be willing to compromise on your self-worth so that you never witness that fear of being abandoned because that fear is really scary. It then brings up a lot of questions about your worth. Right? And actually this is a bit of a circular thing because. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. You believe that other people, if they really saw you for how you are, then they'll abandon you. They won't wanna hang out with you. They won't appreciate you, they won't understand you, they won't value you, and ultimately they'll just reject you and abandon you. And so you edit yourself. You curate yourself. You change yourself. You either become more or you become less, but you are doing something to try and avoid being abandoned. And you do that so that you can potentially get validation of your worth. Then actually, ironically, by doing all of that stuff, you are confirming that you are not worthy because the only way that people have hung out with you is by not being you. And so you've never had the opportunity to experience well. What would it be like if I didn't edit myself? If I didn't curate myself and I got accepted? Like, is that possible? And I really want you to sit with that question because I guarantee that the more that you sit with that question. The more that you will then start to consider, well actually, where can I test this out? Where can I experiment this? And again, this is something that I do day in and day out with clients. So if you are wanting to have a conversation about this, please send me a link. I'll send you a link, let me know, and we can have a chat because this is imperative for your wellbeing so that you are not in this endless cycle of trying to be seen, but still never feeling good enough. Because that cycle I guarantee is endless unless if you break it. And finally, number five, it is about protecting yourself from the idea that everything that you've been doing up until this point has been for nothing. That is arguably the hardest thing to get over. That is arguably the hardest thing for you to face. Now, more, more often than not, people who are going through this process, they start grieving everything that they've gone through. They start grieving all of these relationships, all of these dynamics. But ultimately, the thing that is really painful is my God. I've spent years of my life. I spent decades of my life. I spent so much time, so much energy, so much money, so much love, so much affection, so much care, so much of everything. I did so much and gave so much. I gave everything that I had, I gave my entire self, and for what I gave myself to the wrong cause. I gave myself to something that just kept taking, that depleted me, and it was never going to give me anything back. I invested in this thing, in this relationship, in this person, in the hope that it would be magical and that it would be beautiful and that I would have a happy ever after, but it never happened. And then what? And that's really the most devastating thing. And so for you to maintain this cycle of compromising on your self-worth so that you can maintain this relationship and so that you could just get through day by day, surviving essentially, and, you know, hoping that there will be a good day in there somewhere, and really emphasizing the small good gestures and ignoring the bad things. Like if, if you are in that state, it also means that you never have to look at the potential truth. That you've invested your entire being, your entire life into something that was never going to fulfill you and something that was harmful for you. And that's really painful to look at because. There's just you in that moment. There is nothing else. And you can finger point, you can blame your partner. You can say, well, they kept me and they were the one who kept convincing me to stay. And they were the one who kept saying that they will change and that they would appreciate me. And you know, you can finger point and you can blame the other person as much as you like to, but you know, I'm not here to play that game because Sure, they may have had their part, but your part was betraying yourself. That was, that's ultimately your part. And again, I know that this isn't necessarily something people like to hear. And I'm here. Do you know what? I'm here with so much compassion, so much love, and I'm saying this because I actually care, and I know it's not easy to hear, but I am saying this, that because I care. But ultimately, your part in the trauma bond was the fact that you betrayed yourself. You betrayed yourself. You betrayed your self-worth. You compromised on yourself. You negotiated on yourself, on your being, on your needs. You, you did all of those things in order to maintain this relationship dynamic. And in order to avoid looking at the lost life, the fact that you lost your life in this moment. And so it's really about considering well. How would you want the next five years to look? How would you want the next 10 years to look? Would you still want to continuously kill yourself off in harmful relationships and never grow? Or would you like to actually start living and thriving and potentially having the best relationship and the best life and the happiest and most secure life you could do? And again, if this resonates with you. I really do urge you to get in touch. Click on the link below. You can book in, uh, a conversation with me. I'm more than happy to chat to you about this stuff because it is something that I believe is imperative and it is necessary for people to do so that they can really start to heal so that they can really start to grow. And if I speak to you, I'm so, so excited to be speaking to you. Please do book in a conversation. And if not, well, I hope you keep listening. I hope you share this with as many people as possible because if you found this helpful, I bet that one of your friends, family members will do too. Until next time, I'll see you on the other side. I am on a mission to reach as many people as possible, and you would be helping me out more than you know by subscribing to this podcast, rating it and sharing it with a friend. And if any of this resonates with you, please click the link to see how it is that we can help you gain relationship, fitness and move towards relationship success.