Feeling Single In My Relationship: We Are In Different Relationships. Lonely, Anxious, And Emotional Connection.

Do You Feel Single in Your Relationship?

Ever feel completely alone—even while in a relationship or marriage? You're not alone. Many high-achieving individuals silently struggle with emotional disconnection, poor communication, and feeling unloved or misunderstood by their partner.

In this episode, I dive into the painful experience of being emotionally single while physically coupled. We explore why two people can live under the same roof but feel worlds apart—how mismatched emotional states, different “truths,” and unspoken resentment create growing distance. I’ll show you how most couples fall into the trap of blaming each other rather than externalizing the real issues.

You’ll learn powerful strategies to rebuild connection, improve communication, and invite empathy—without conflict. We talk about the importance of acting in love, not just feeling it, and how small mindset shifts can open the door to meaningful connection, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy again.

If you’re feeling stuck, isolated, or unheard in your relationship, this episode is for you. Listen in—and share it with someone who needs to hear it.

We hope you got massive value from this episode in supporting your self-worth growth and relationship repair. If you do want more support, please click here for a free consultation https://calendly.com/relationshipsuccesslab-info/discovery-call

Transcript

0:04

Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. If anything that we talk about today does resonate with you, please click the link below and we would be more than happy to help you now on with your journey to relationship success. Have you ever thought to yourself, wow, I feel single despite being in a relationship. This is unfortunately such a common problem that I see in so many people where they've been with their partner and they've been with their partner for quite some time, but at the same time, they also feel like they're single and. They're in so much pain. They don't understand what to do. They are hurt, and they are wanting reconnection. They're wanting love. They're wanting communication. They're wanting affection. They're wanting understanding. They're wanting to have something that feels meaningful, that brings them back together, that puts them back on the same team, but they're just struggling to get there. And it's this concept of being single while in a relationship or even while in a marriage. And I've worked with so many people who have had this experience and believe me, it is a painful one, but it's something that we really need to understand so that if you did want to, if it was possible. You could then resolve it. And so this is really about considering actually what is going on. Why are we both in the same relationship, but we're also in different relationships because we are not in the same relationship, right? I'm in a relationship with someone and it feels like this, and you are in a relationship with somebody else and it feels like that for you. Like we have got completely different perspectives on life, on the situation, and we just can't figure it out. So why does that happen? Well, ultimately it's to do with the fact that you are both in completely different emotional and mental spaces. You may be in love with your partner, you may love your partner. You may admire your partner and know that they've got great qualities, qualities that. Have attracted you to them, that have kept you guys together, that has sustained the relationship. But guess what, if you love your partner, well, love is just not enough. It can't be enough. The feeling of love is nice, and it's necessary and it's needed, but it is absolutely not enough. So what is needed? Well, we will get to that in a second, but first we really need to understand why is it that you are in the same relationship, but actually you're in really different relationships? Because the more that we understand that, the better we are at solving the problem. Now, first off, you both have different truths, and in any situation, in any relationship, our truth is what we make it to be. So my perception of the situation becomes my truth. And it's the same with you, with your partner, that your perception of the situation is your truth and your perception and your partner's perception are going to be different. Naturally they're going to be different because you have slightly different experiences because you've got different backgrounds, because you've got different thoughts and different values, and you see the world from different perspectives. Like that's, that's. Inevitable, right? You are going to be different people and so you are going to see different things. But what happens is that when you have your different perceptions, they, you then you don't actually come together to share your perceptions. You actually end up diverting away. You end up repelling each other from your perceptions, or at least one of you repels the other person because you are considering. That your partner is saying something when they don't actually mean it in that way. And then so somehow we are not working towards understanding each other, but we are committing ourselves to maintaining our own truth and defending that, which means that we end up rejecting anything else. And that's a really big factor for you to consider, and it's a question for you to consider. Do we work together to try and understand each other? Do we aim? Do we strive for mutual understanding, even if we're in disagreement? But at least I can get on board with what you are saying and understand your perspective, even if I don't agree with it, even if I don't see it, but I completely appreciate it and I understand it. And vice versa. Do we work towards understanding one another? Or are we committed to holding our position? And guess what? If you are committed to holding your position, you are never going to be working towards understanding your partner. Because in that moment, when you are committed to holding your position, you are also committing to rejecting your partner and rejecting their position. And that becomes really challenging because there's this idea of polarization, right? And so. What polarization, just from psychological term is that when you consider that things are white and you are wanting white, then you also notice the black, and so all of a sudden you are either in the camp of white or you're in the camp of black. And even though cognitively, so like from a mental perspective, you understand, okay, well, you know there are shades of gray in the middle before you get to the black, but. Actually, if you are holding the position of white, you then end up starting declining anything that might be just even a little bit gray because we just end up putting it automatically in the camp of not white, which means that it has to be black, which what I'm talking about in this way. But you know that gray is not black. Like you know that objectively that is not true, but. Psychologically what happens is that we go through a very instantaneous process where we don't process it quite in that way. What we end up interpreting it as well, if my partner doesn't hold this position, which is the truth that I have, and it is the ultimate truth, and I am attaching myself onto it, it's almost like I'm attaching myself onto the color white. And if they're not holding that position, then I see them as being black as opposed to having shades of gray. And the truth is, is that you also have shades of gray, right? Like everybody does. And if you are starting to consider letting go of that attachment of the white, but you are actually starting to move towards, well, how is it that I can work towards understanding my partner and how can they work towards understanding me? Then what we're starting to do is we're starting to consider, well, how gray are we? What tone of gray am I and what tone of GR gray are you and how are we seeing each other's grays? And the more that we start to see the nuances in that, the more that we start to work towards understanding one another. And that really brings us closer together because then mentally we start to enter the same realm that we are at least in the same room. Whereas if you are committing to your own position. And so is your partner, then you are just on different planets. You're not even in the same house, you're not in the same building. So that's something that's imperative for you to consider. Second point is there is an issue with how we view problems, and the issue is this, unfortunately, when we feel like we're single and we're in a relationship at the same time. We then start to categorize problems in a very simplistic way, in a very blunt way, and it looks a bit like this. The problem is you, the problem is localized in you. Or it could be that the problem is localized in me, but ultimately we have to put the problem within a human. So the problem is either inside of you or the problem is inside of me. Whereas actually people who are. A team when they're in a relationship and they are genuinely working together as a team and they're wanting to improve things every single day, and they're really bonding and they're really acting in love with one another, what they do is that they don't localize the problem. Even if my partner said something that was hurtful. What I would actually do in a healthy relationship and an understanding relationship is that I would comment on the statement that was made that was hurtful, but actually I would externalize that. So I wouldn't say you are the problem, but I would say the statement was a problem. The statement made me feel like this. This was what was said, and this is how I ended up feeling. This is the sense that I made of it. So, for example, if my partner. I said something like, Hey, are you really going to be wearing that tonight? I might take offense to that because I can then interpret that as, okay, well, they don't like what I'm wearing. They're judging me and they think I'm ugly. And then all of a sudden I go down a rabbit hole thinking, oh my goodness. Well, they hate me and they think that I'm disgusting and they prefer other people, and you know, I can drive myself crazy or I could just go down the path of saying, okay, so. You said, are you really wearing that? The way that I saw that was that you don't like what I'm wearing, and that made me feel really upset. It made me feel like you don't find me attractive. How are we going to move past this? And so when you are entering a conversation in that some point you are not personalizing the problem, which is great because it means that they're going to be much less defensive and they're going to be able to hear you better. There's a certain finesse as to how you resolve The problem, by the way, and this is how you do it, is that you actually have to lower their defenses because if you are going at it from a position of attack, well guess what? They're going to go from a position of being shut down. Or they're going to attack you in return, there is no other solution. And so if you are in that space, it then becomes really difficult because you are then just fighting with one another. Whereas actually, if you are inviting them to understand how that statement made you feel. Then they're able to come closer to you mentally and emotionally. That's really when you are inviting them to empathize with you and you're inviting it to inviting them to do that from a position where they are able to hear it. And that is really the art of conflict resolution. That's really the arts of communication. So we have to externalize a problem, and the way that I like to phrase it is that it's. Not me. It's not you, but the problem is the problem. And we are going to stand side by side looking at this problem. The problem is out there and I invite you to stand by my side to hold my hand and I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna look at this thing and we're going to try and figure it out together. And that's really when we start understanding one another. That's really when we're starting to develop some mutual empathy and compassion so we can really get to a point where we can see what we are dealing with. And finally, my last point of this episode is this idea of how is it that we can really create space? And create capacity so that we can understand our partner, so we can really empathize with our partner, but also for them to empathize with us. How is it that we can really invite them back into our space and us to be invited back into their space? How is it that we can mutually create that so that we can experience love and we can experience affection and so we can experience understanding, communicate better, and really have something that feels meaningful? I. Well, like I said before, feeling love for somebody is nice, and it's important and it's necessary, but it is absolutely not enough. The thing that is, I would argue more important than feeling love is actually acting in love towards somebody, towards your partner. In this case, it is absolutely necessary that we act in love towards our partner because. That is the thing that's really going to allow us to give them grace. That's the thing that is going to allow us to give them breathing space so that we are not triggered and furious and irritated by them. Anytime they do something that is marginally out of line. If they breathe too loudly, if they eat. You know, in a very, uh, unkempt manner, like it's, it's necessary that we act in love towards our partner because only then we are able to hold them in mind with compassion only then we are able to give them grace and we are able to see their intention. Only then we can see their benevolence in the sense that they might screw up sometimes and they might not see us sometimes, but actually they're still acting in good faith. They're still trying to do something that is nurturing, that is fulfilling for us. And you know what? The more that we start thinking down that path, then we start. Seeing all the things that they have in fact done for us, but we've just rejected it or we've neglected it, or we've filtered it out because we've been so pained by them that it's actually been really challenging for us to consider that they have got good qualities and they have done nice things for us. Right. And I, I dunno about you, but I know certainly for me and all of the clients that I've worked with is that. They'll get into a space where they complain a lot and they get really, really frustrated with their partner or their ex-partners, and they'll get into a space where they believe in that moment. Well, you know, they've never done anything for me. But when you start digging and when you start considering, well, hm, really? Like, what was that like? And actually, was there anything on the other side? Then you start to see the other layers coming in. You start to see, oh, okay, well there were times when they were really kind. They bought me flowers, they bought me gifts. They, uh, took me to the hospital when I needed it. They looked after me when I was upset because of work. They did this or they did that and, and you know, like, then you start to really see, okay, well. There were actions. I just filtered them out because I had zero tolerance from them because I was exhausted, I had compassion fatigue, and I just didn't know what to do with them. I was so irritated, like there've been so many ruptures. I feel isolated. I feel like we have not communicated, we have not connected, and I've just felt lonely that I just couldn't give them grace. I just couldn't see all the good stuff that they were doing still. But actually the more that we give them. That action of love. And by the way, this is also when we think about certain things about them, when they, when we start thinking about what they've done or not done that we would've hoped or, you know, really resisted. But every single time we have any form of interaction with them, whether that be a physical interaction with them, whether that be we're communicating via text. And you know, we're in work and we're just having a conversation about something else or whether it even be us having thoughts about our partner, but it's necessary that we hold in mind, how am I acting in love towards this person? Because the more that you act in love towards this person, the more that you're going to start seeing that actually there are lovely things that have happened, like your relationship was not sustained on. All bad stuff. It can't be right. Like, it just can't be, it, it, it wouldn't have lasted if it was a hundred percent bad. And so it's only really when we start acting in love, then we start feeling grateful for the positive things that we do experience, and actually we start seeing more of that. And the more that we see of that, the more that we want to connect with our partner, the more that we feel this urge and this desire to really enter that emotional empathy space with them, that we really want to connect and see each other again. And by the way, this is a two-way process, so it's actually really necessary for your partner to go through the same thing. And if any of this resonated with you, please click the link. I would love to have a conversation with you and help you with regards to whatever's going on for you. And if you find this episode helpful, please share it with a friend because I bet you they will do too. Until next time, take care and I'll see you on the other side. I am on a mission to reach as many people as possible, and you would be helping me out more than you know by subscribing to this podcast, rating it and sharing it with a friend. And if any of this resonates with you, please click the link to see how it is that we can help you gain relationship, fitness and move towards relationship success.