Getting Better Looks Like A Crash: End Anxiety Of Not Enoughness

We hope you got massive value from this episode in supporting your self-worth growth and relationship repair. If you do want more support, please click here for a free consultation https://calendly.com/relationshipsuccesslab-info/discovery-call

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Sarah explores the hidden wounds that shape our sense of self-worth, especially in the context of healing from trauma bonds and unhealthy relationship patterns. Sharing her own story of frustration over a messy home while parenting, she uncovers how perfectionism and people-pleasing are often rooted in unresolved feelings of not being good enough and feeling unseen or unappreciated.

What seems like a step backward—letting go of control—was actually a powerful level-up in emotional healing. Through conscious inner child work, Dr. Sarah reconnects with play, spontaneity, and acceptance, showing how embracing “mess” created joy, presence, and deeper connection with her daughter.

She discusses how self-healing transforms not only your romantic relationships but also family and social dynamics. If you’re struggling with people-pleasing, emotional burnout, or feeling invalidated, this episode will resonate. True healing doesn’t come from “doing more” but from redefining worth, releasing control, and embodying your innate value.

Tune in to learn how to level up emotionally, even if it initially looks like a step down—and discover the real meaning of a quantum leap in personal growth.

Transcript

0:04

Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. If anything that we talk about today does resonate with you, please click the link below and we would be more than happy to help you now on with your journey to relationship success. Hello my friends. So good to have you here because today I'm going to be talking about something that I've personally gone through and it is very pertinent to me to my own personal healing journey. But I also believe very strongly that it is something that is going to resonate with a lot of you, and I think it's something that a lot of you perhaps need to go through to. And it's this idea of you leveling up, even though sometimes it might look like a level down, but it's really about discerning the two. And I'm going to share a personal story with you if that's okay. So those of you who know me on a personal level, you'll know that sometimes. I get a little bit neurotic when the house is messy, and I think that's simply because I've worked so hard to try and maintain a lovely home, or as lovely as I can do, right? And so I find myself cooking and cleaning, and then I'm cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. And somehow I still feel like the house is messy, right? And that's going to happen inevitably with a young toddler. I get it. But. And it was just that it really frustrated me. Right? And I know you're probably asking, why the hell are you even talking about this? Well, part of the reason why I'm talking about this is because for me personally, if I was to dig deep down in terms of what this actually meant for me and what I tapped into in terms of my own personal wounds. It would really be about how much I felt like I was performing and actually whether or not I was creating a life that I wanted to live. It would ultimately reflect my sense of inadequacy that, that my house wasn't as beautiful as I wanted it to be. It wasn't as clean as I wanted it to be, and that would really tap into my fear of just not being good enough. But not only that, it also tapped into the sense of resentment of why am I working so hard and nobody else appreciating it, that nobody else respects it. And I'm here grafting cleaning and nobody cares, right? But how am I going to be expecting a toddler to care anyway, right? Like this toddler just wants to play. Um, but for me, it would really be hitting this nerve in terms of. Feeling unseen, feeling unappreciated, feeling disrespected even. And these are really strong emotions to come up just for wanting to clean my house. And I know I'm kind of exaggerating here, but that's ultimately what it boils down to. So this tendency that I have in terms of keeping things a particular way. It's really reflective of other wounds that I have deep down, and I've worked through all my wounds by the way, but it's just something that I noticed and I just wanted to share this newfound discovery with you, this idea of leveling up. By appearing as if you are leveling down, even though actually it's a massive level up, it's almost like you are quantum leaping, and I'm gonna get to that in a second. What is the quantum leap? Right? And I promise you it is a massive level up. Now I've personally done the work and this is the reason why I teach so many people how to do the work as well in terms of their journey and. I guarantee success. I mean, this is even why I've got a guarantee on my program at the moment that if you don't get the results that you're looking for, you don't owe anything. But I. Ultimately, it's really about understanding our wounds and how do we change our relationship with our wounds, and how do we heal those wounds so that we can have a better relationship with ourselves and with other people. So this isn't just intimate relationships, this is also relationships in family with friends, coworkers, strangers, even. But here's the, here's the paradigm that I want to introduce, and it is this. I had a moment. In fact, I've had several moments where I've done this now, but the way that I leveled up in terms of what was painting me about having to try and keep my house in a particular way, even though it was kind of a fruitless exercise because it was just going to get messy again. Anyway. Was I really embodied that childlike self that was inside of me whilst I with my daughter. And I'll tell you how I broke this pattern. So. Outside. In our garden, there is a paved path and there's some grass, but there's a paved path. And so I just got a lot of chalk and we started drawing on this path. I said to my daughter, Hey, let's go draw some pictures on the path. And the path got super messy filled, right? Like there was so many pictures on this path. And then I was like, Hey, you know what? Let's start drawing. On the brick wall of the house, right? The outside brick wall. And so we're there with chalk getting really messy on the outside brick wall of the house. It is gorgeous. It is colorful. It is so beautiful. I love it. Right? And the thing is, I know that my past self would've looked at that and would've been stressed, right? Maybe not like stress, stress, but I know that it would've evoked something inside of me. I would've thought, oh my goodness, right? Oh, here I go again. Have to clean this up. Oh my goodness. Here I go again. Having to get down and scrub the floors and no one will appreciate it. No one will even care. And you know what? It'll probably get messy again anyway, so like what's the point? And instead of me going into that zone of. Sighing and being frustrated and resentful, feeling like I'm not appreciated. I'm not seen for everything that I do, but then also feeling like I have to keep things a particular way so that I can showcase what I've worked for. All of that melted away and actually it melted away because doing the work. I know that my validation is not in the cleanliness, is not in the organization. It's not in the path, right? Like my self-worth my. It. My need to be seen isn't in the path. My need to prove my worth is not in the path. It's not in the brickwork. Like that's not where my self-worth lies, right? And this is not where anyone's self-worth lies. But your self-worth does not lie inside of your house. It doesn't lie inside of your car. It doesn't lie inside of anything, right? Your self-worth is infinite. It's just an ether. And it's something that you can't point to. It's not something that you can tangibly hold onto because your self-worth is so much greater than that. And same for your need to be seen, for your worthiness, to be seen, for how valid you are. Like none of this stuff is tangible. It does not lie in all of these concrete things that we put such a huge level of attachment to actually. All of our worth, our self-worth and our validity, our need to be seen, but also how worthwhile we are to be seen, how we are witnessed, how we are accepted. All of this stuff is in the ether. It's not here, and it's only really through doing this deeper level of work that I've really been able to let go of these metrics that actually. If I clean or if I don't clean, it's like, okay, well yeah, if I clean, I get a clean house. That's nice. And if I don't clean, well, it's more time to play. Right. And actually it's just representative of the childlike nature in my daughter, but also the childlike nature in me. And what a beautiful story that is. What a beautiful memory that is that I'm creating with her. And what a beautiful experience that is. And you know, multiple experiences, right? Like this has happened several times now. Uh, and also with various different things. But that is so important. And not only was the healing work really important for myself because it's allowed me to grow, it's allowed me to develop, it's allowed me to be stronger, to have my own backbone, to stand up for myself to. Accept what I want and what I need, and also to decline anything that no longer serves me. But also it's allowed me to instill a really healthy, nurturing relationship with my daughter, and it's allowed me to support her in terms of her own development that she's able to grow and become this independent individual that she's able to express without really. Considering what's going to happen, that she's just able to tune into her own playfulness and her own needs and wants and do that without filter because I'm not there telling her off or you know, I'm not there communicating with her from my own wounded place. And I can't even tell you the number of people that I've come across as adults. Who were children, but also adults who have children. I can't tell you the number of people that I've come across where they end up almost guilt tripping their child, or they were guilt tripped as children, right? And it's because they wanted to be messy. They wanted to play, they wanted to express a certain way, they wanted to be blunt. They said something that other people don't like. They said, Hey. I don't like your food or your cooking sucks, or whatever it might be, and then all of a sudden they got yelled at. Um, and, you know, the, the, there are all of these different things that people experience. And even though we, we are kind of living in this society with all of these laws and regulations and metrics and what's socially acceptable and unacceptable as much as the, you know, we, we live in that. And by the way, communities vary in terms of what they accept and don't accept, but. All of these things really constrict us. They really constrict our ability to be playful, to really explore, and it's not to say, Hey, do this up until the point where things are really risky and they're dangerous, and oh, there's no limitations. Because actually if we instill a really healthy sense of self. In somebody in a child, and this child learns how to regulate their emotions. They learn that emotions are safe and that the big people will look after them if this child also learns that they are. Worthy enough to be loved just the way that they are, that actually they're accepted with open arms, regardless of what's going on, even if they're kicking off and having a tantrum that you know, they're still loved. At the end of the day, like if a child grows up knowing all of these things and experiencing all these things time and time again, then they will naturally. Develop a sense of empathy and you know, this, the brain's ability to really empathize with other people, to have a theory of mind and consider, well, actually other people think different things to me and they feel different things to me. You know, that only really kicks in by the age of about eight years old. And before that, children really struggle. And by the way, I'm talking about neurotypical people. I know people with neurodivergent conditions. Um, they may struggle with theory of mind, and I that's a subject for a different day, but I. When we're talking about neurotypical people, you know, the level of empathy develops anyway by the age of eight. So I know a lot of people, a lot of parents start really worrying about, oh my goodness, like, is my child going to be okay? Like, are they going to empathize with other people and know they need to learn from such a young age and all the rest of it? And the thing is, is that kids do grasp the concept of care. And sharing. They do grasp those ideas. I might struggle with it sometimes, but they do grasp it. But to have real emotional empathy, they can only really develop that by the age of eight. But again, they develop that when they have a healthy sense of self. That's the only way that they can do it, because they feel secure enough and stable enough within themselves that they can extend. Themselves out to somebody else. And that's really where the care lies. So, you know, when people get really concerned of, oh no, then my child might just run wild and be chaotic and or, you know, they'll be really dangerous if I don't lay down the law or if I don't, you know, be really clear with my boundaries and, you know, being strict and all the rest of it. And, and they almost go for like a very rigid and kind of somewhat punitive approach or a domineering approach, a very controlling approach. When you are going down that path, it's almost like you don't trust that the child will be okay, that the child will develop into a healthy adult, and you don't trust it because you've not experienced it yourself. You, you've not gone through that process yourself. What you've experienced is that emotions. Can be chaotic. We need to control emotions. What you've also experienced is that, well, I have really not been able to control various parts of my life, and so I better get a grip on this because, hey, guess what? I'm responsible over my kid and so I better control what's going on. Uh, and sure, as a parent, you do need to be in control, but there's a difference between being in control and then being controlling. There's a huge difference and we enter this really messy remit where you then kind of question, oh my goodness, how did I even end up here? Right? I become this parent that I don't necessarily admire myself. What do I do? And the way that you really start embodying and becoming. A healthy, well-rounded adult. How you can really start to cultivate these really positive relationships is by healing yourself first. That's the only way, because any wounds that you have, I guarantee, I absolutely guarantee. That your wounds will bleed out into any and every relationship that you have. They will bleed out. And so it's imperative that you heal them. And I implore you to go on that journey. And if you are interested, please click the link below because I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible. And if you're wanting to have a conversation about it, if any of this resonates with you, please get in touch and. What's necessary for all of this is really the willingness, right? The willingness to consider that we need to develop that we need to change, that we need to grow, but it's also the willingness in recognizing that actually our growth might not be the thing that we think it is. So I know when I was. At the initial stages of my healing journey, I mean, I'm going back, I don't know, maybe 20, yeah, maybe 20, 15 years ago now, something like that. I'm going back a while now, but I remember the idea of healing for me at that time was, well, I just need to do more. I just need to be better. Whatever that better was. I didn't have it figured out, but you know, in my mind, I was so attached to this idea that I just need to work harder. I just need to be better. And it was almost like with this force and this aggression and, and it was almost like I was punishing myself in order to heal. That that's the way that I could experience healing and improvement. Right. I almost felt like it had to be punishing in some way, and that is not at all the case. But I believed that because I believed that if I was healing, then I'd be leveling up. And so leveling up means I'd be leveling up, right? And so I always had like this very standard image of it in my mind in that I would somehow be more of everything and all the objective metrics. That we have, I would be more of, so I would be more attractive. I would be wealthier. I would have a better house. I would have a better car. I would have a better social circle. I'd have a better, whatever the better is, right? Like it. It was just, I would be more, I would be better. And the truth is that sometimes being better, sometimes leveling up looks a bit like leveling down. Even though they're not the same thing, because I absolutely did level up when I got messy, like that was the level up, and I really encourage you to consider what the difference would be. The difference between leveling up when it's sincere leveling up, even though sometimes it might look like a level down and actually just staying stuck because. I guarantee that if it's not been working for you this far, doing the same thing over and over again, it's not going to work for you Again, it's like what Einstein said, right? It's definition of insanity. But you're going to have to do something different, and I'm more than happy to support you on that journey, but it really starts off with you and. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with a friend because if you found it helpful, I bet that one of your friends will do too. Until next time, take care and I'll see you on the other side. I am on a mission to reach as many people as possible, and you would be helping me out more than you know by subscribing to this podcast, rating it and sharing it with a friend. And if any of this resonates with you, please click the link to see how it is that we can help you gain relationship, fitness and move towards relationship success.