You don't fear love, you fear rejection

Transcript

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Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and co consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. Let's get into it because today's episode, we are going to be talking about the fact that you don't necessarily fear love, but you fear rejection, and this is a huge problem that many of us experience. Particularly if we have grown up with childhood trauma, if we've had trauma in our adulthood, if we have had unhealthy relationships in different domains in our life. Let's say you grew up in a household where your parent was inconsistent in terms of how much love and affection they gave you, or they were absent when you really needed them, whether they be physically absent or emotionally absent, but nonetheless, they were absent. And it may have been that you grew up in such conditions where you weren't sure what love looked like. You weren't sure whether or not people were going to stick around. And with all of these difficulties and turbulences that you would've experienced in childhood, teenage years, in adulthood, it can become really unsettling and. All of these experiences ultimately teach our subconscious mind, our thoughts, our emotions, our nervous system, and also influence our actions with regards to how it is that we approach relationships, how much we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to approach the other person, to open ourselves up, and also how much it is that we keep other people at arms length and whether or not we're playing the hot and cold game. One day we might feel okay to approach somebody and be close and show affection and receive affection, but there may be other days when we pull back and we can't tolerate that person, or we start to negotiate with ourselves as to why we should exit. We are going to be talking about all of that and more with regards to how it is you can move forward in your healing journey. First things first. What is it that makes you fear rejection? Well, for most of us, it boils down to a couple of things. First thing is this abandonment wound that really gets solicited when we enter a relationship, or even if we've been in a relationship for a long time, but we're struggling to know what to do, and we don't necessarily feel emotionally connected to our partner. But ultimately the abandonment wound gets elicited. Now, the abandonment wound can happen in any of us, regardless of your attachment style, whether you are anxiously attached, avoidantly attached disorganized, but the abandonment wound ultimately says, Hey, this person is going to leave me at some point because everybody else has done and. Maybe on occasion some people have come back, but they've left me particularly when I expected them to be there, particularly when I trusted them to be there. When I hoped that they would be there, I needed them there, and they just weren't, and I was left behind. I was left on my own, and this is huge. Now, for some of us, we may negotiate or we may argue saying, oh, well, you know, they left. Uh, you know, it could have been something as simple as my parents went to work, but they had to work. You know, they had to work. And of course, like of course they had to leave me behind in school or with a nanny or someone because what else were they meant to do? And even though logically you might be able to make sense of some of these situations, but emotionally as a child experiencing that logic goes out of the window. Because it's the emotion that registers the abandonment wound, the emotion registers that experience as a trauma. Even if logically you can negotiate, you can rationalize it, but that doesn't really matter because trauma is always registered on an emotional level, and it is always registered in your nervous system. That is the thing that needs to be healed. That is the thing that needs to be focused in on. As opposed to logic. If you have got a nervous system problem, you heal it with the nervous system. If you've got an emotional problem, you heal it with emotions. You don't start healing it with logic, and that's part of the issue is that we have this battle inside of us. On one hand, we really want to approach this individual, the person that we're in a relationship with, or even if it was a friendship, even if it was a family member. But there's a part of us that really wants to approach because we are craving connection. We are craving, feeling held, feeling cared for. We are craving that love. It is a basic need of ours, but on the other hand, we're also really frightened of losing it. We're really frightened of what might happen if we did open ourselves up, if we did experience a taste of that care, of that love of that affection, only to realize that it's not permanent and we're not going to be experiencing it all the time. Only to realize that at some point it's going to end. Or believe that it will end and people may then go down the path of saying, well, any relationship is gonna end, right? Any relationship is gonna end either through an argument and you know, we just terminate like we break up or it's going to end through death. And I appreciate this conversation is going a bit of a morbid tangent, but. People who are in that state will always remain in that state because you're constantly battling and arguing with yourself. Well, if I'm going to be abandoned in some direct or indirect way, direct being, the person just breaks up with me or I break up with them or indirect while they pass or they have to go to work, they're away from me. They have other commitments, and so I'm left behind either way if I'm going to be left abandoned. And feeling abandoned, feeling left behind, whether or not it's intentional, then what's the point? What's the point of me even approaching this person? What's the point of me even feeling love or having this experience? Well, part of the point is that it is still a basic human need, our need for love, our need for affection, and even though. For so many generations, so many generations for hundreds of thousands of years, even for however long humans have been on planet Earth for. But ultimately, even though we know that love is going to end at some point, that relationships will end, we still go for it. We still take the risk in exposing ourselves. We still want to be vulnerable, and that is because we gain so much more. If relationships didn't really help us in any way, that that part of our system would've become extinct, we would not be social creatures. But we are. And we are because it is part of our DNA structure. It is part of our brain structure. It is part of what makes us human, but also it is parts. Of the symptom of being human. The fact that we have emotions that ultimately means that we need to feel fulfilled and we feel fulfilled, most fulfilled, I would argue in our relationship. But when this abandonment wound comes up, it can make it incredibly challenging. Now, the second part of why is that we might fear rejection. Is actually, we might fear that we're not enough, that we're not good enough for this person, and that we have to do so much in order to keep this person around in order to convince this person of our worth. It may be, well, we should look a particular way. We should be a particular body, weight, shape, and size. We should be earning a particular amount of money. We should have a particular status. We should have a particular car, a particular house, a particular level of income. We should be intelligent in some way. We should perform in some way. We should. Have something to show off. We should have all these clothes and this particular mobile phone and this particular whatever it is. But all of the shoulds come up in that moment and we are just constantly fearful that we are not enough, just the way that we are. We feel like we have to curate a version of ourselves. We have to have this ma on. And we have to really big ourselves up so that we are liked. And at the very least, we have to do all of these things so we're not rejected. Because the fear is that, well, if I'm not all of these things, all of these promises, all these conditions, then I'm not good enough. And if I'm not good enough, I will ultimately be rejected just for being me. That is it. And unfortunately, if this resonates with you, chances are it's because you grew up in a household where there were multiple conditions placed on your worth, and it may have looked a little bit like this. If you did well in school, you got a pat on the back. But if you got a B. Oh, heaven forbid, a C, or you know, it could be another grade. But if you didn't do what was expected, you would feel the disappointment in the room. It would make you want to be sucked into the ground. You would feel that your parents were unhappy with you, that they were displeased, that they were dissatisfied, that they were disappointed, and perhaps embarrassed for you. And with that embarrassment, there's a lot of shame. There is a lot of rejection in that moment, and unfortunately in those moments, there was never a differentiation between you being worthy, you as a human being, you are still infinitely worthy and infinitely good enough just for your existence, just for your breath, that that is infinitely loved versus well, you did what you did. Right, like your actions of studying or not studying your actions of how you answered the questions, that is just what it is, right? And had you answered the questions differently, maybe the results would be different, but that has no connection, that has no association, that has no influence on your worth. Just because you answered a question a particular way in school doesn't mean you are better. Or worse, it's just the way that you answer the question, and that is just it. We rarely ever see the concrete nature and, and really defining the difference there, that actually this is simply how it is at the moment. And this is your performance. This is your action, and this is the consequence of your action. And sometimes we can't control the consequences, we can't control the outcome, but we can control our actions. But, but all of that stuff is still this connect and it has no influence, no connection to your self-worth because your self-worth. Is really out there in the universe, your self-worth for the fact that you are living, you are breathing, you are a conscious being. Like there is no condition on that. We cannot place a value on that. That is infinitely valuable. For example, if I was to say to you, Hey, go down the street and just put a price tag or put a value label on somebody there, some random person that you see. How could you possibly do that? Like, it's a ridiculous question. If I say to you, Hey, go to the store, and the person who is stacking shelves put a value on them. Well, you can't. You can put a value on their action in the sense that they're providing, but you can't put a value on them as a human being that they're totally different things. But unfortunately, as children. And growing up, particularly when we're having these interactions with people who we love and people who we expect would just love us for who we are, but they don't and they don't make a differentiation on that, we then start to interpret in a very innocent way that My worth is dependent on. How is the idea. If I do well, then I'm more worthy. If I don't do so well, then I am not worthy and people will reject me. People will be disappointed in me because without working really, really hard, without performing, without doing, without being more, then people will see the real me and the real me is just not enough and. This is also very true for people who just can't rest, who can't relax, who can't just sit down and just be themselves because they're constantly on this rat race trying to do more, trying to be more, trying to give more all of the mores, and they're doing that so that they can be okay in other people's eyes, or at the very least. They are not hated and they are not rejected. And this can also lend itself to codependency because they are creating this need for the people. So they need to be seen in a particular way in their relationships. They need to be seen as the giver, as the provider, as the successful person. They need to be seen as somebody who is providing value to other people, because if they're not providing value to other people, then other people will leave. And if you have that need, you are going to be fulfilling that role. But what happens is that other people then become dependent on you for the role that you provide, as opposed to really liking hanging out with you or spending time with you. So if you are constantly saving other people from their problems, well guess what? They like the saving bit. They don't necessarily see you as a human being because you're so busy saving that that's the only thing that they see. And so they might really appreciate the saving. They love the saving. They hang around for the saving, but you as a human, well, they've not experienced that. So they've never actually had an opportunity to love you, and you've never had an opportunity to experience love without saving, without the conditions. So what do you do with this? What do you do with this big pile of messy spaghetti? How is it that you can start really approaching love without fearing rejection? Well, first things first, we really need to start with our self-worth, and a lot of the work that I talk about is revolving about the self and the self-concept. But if we don't really have our worth, if we're not really that solid on it, if we don't really strengthen our sense of self, it becomes really hard for us to embody healthy relationships. Because what happens is that we're constantly relying on other people to guide us as to whether or not this relationship is okay. It's not okay, but we use other people as a mirror to you tell us. Hey, are we okay? Are we valid? Are we a good enough person? Do I need to do more? Do I need to be more? Should I be something else? And we end up forgetting ourselves. We end up forgetting our own identity. We end up forgetting that we have a soul. And our soul, guess what existed way before this other person did way before this relationship did And when we're born, we're born into this earth on our own and we, when we parked, we're going to be passing on our own as well. Whether or not you believe it, we were made from Stardust way before we ever landed on this planet, and so we do exist beforehand and we're going to continue existing after Earth is just this experience that we're coming by and we are having this human experience. We are having the experience of love, of connection, of heartbreak, of fear of. Everything in between, and I know I'm talking a bit more spiritual here, so whether or not you buy it, that's okay, but ultimately as a human being, we are designed to feel all the spectrums of emotion, but it only feels okay to do that when we feel grounded in ourselves, when we have built that sense of self-worth, when we realize that actually we are safe. Just as we are. We are worthy just as we are. We are enough, just as we are. That is it. There is nothing else here. And so only from that place then we can start to really take bold moves and we can start to become brave. Then we can let go of these fears because we no longer experience them as being tragedies, but we experience them as experiences. We are more likely to enter relationships and consider, well, what does this feel like? Does it feel okay? Do I want more of this? Does this fit for me? Or does this not fit for me? Is this something that I want to continue experiencing? Is this something that is really meeting me where I am at? And the flip side to this is that if I don't feel worthy, well, guess what? I'm going to continue attracting relationships that make me feel like I'm not worthy as much as I'm wanting to feel worthy in my relationships, I might have this belief somewhere inside of me that I will be good enough when somebody else shows me that I'm lovable. And therefore, I need to be in a relationship for someone to show me that I'm lovable, so I can feel good enough. But I would say that that's completely backwards because you are ultimately begging for somebody else to validate you, to show you of your worth, and you can't control that. You have zero influence on how somebody else treats you. Sure you can ask them and if the time is right, if you're aligned and everything else is good, then okay, great. It can work out. But. If you are not feeling great about yourself, if your self-worth is on the floor, you're going to also attract somebody else who is going to treat you similar to how it is that you see yourself, because that is the only way that you know is possible subconsciously, emotionally in your nervous system. As much as you want amazing love. It's just intangible. If your self-worth. If your subconscious self-esteem and beliefs about yourself is so fractured, it is going to attract somebody else who just matches that experience, who tells you, yes, you are not worthy, and you need to be doing more in order to gain my approval. And you just maintain the cycle. So it really does start with your self-worth, and that is the biggest. Thing for you to do, for you to concentrate on. If you were to just take one message from this episode, it is really about how it is that you start to build your sense of self-worth. And sometimes that's really scary. Sometimes you might not know how to go about this. Exactly, and I'm more than happy to have a conversation with you on this because I offer consultations. All the time in helping people all the time around this topic, but part of the work is really about how do we eliminate past traumas from your nervous system, from your subconscious. And also how it is that we step up. How is it that we level up into your best and most authentic self whilst holding the ground of safety and security, knowing that you can aim as high as you want to aim in your relationship and in your life in general. Whilst also knowing that it is very safe to do that and rejection is not even in your peripheral vision. It's not even a thing for you to continue considering. If you liked this episode, please subscribe. Please like, and please share it with a friend or a family member because if you found it helpful, I bet you that they will do too. Until next time, take care and I'll see you on the other side.