You're not clingy, you crave co-regulation

Transcript

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Hi, I'm Dr. Sarah. If you don't know who I am, I am a specialist clinical psychologist helping high achievers heal from toxic relationships and grow self-confidence. So let's get to it. Today we are going to be talking about whether or not you are clingy. I think this is something that so many people. Get worried about am I being too clingy and am I being a burden? Is my partner finding me annoying? Is the person who I'm dating getting the ick from me because I'm constantly checking my phone. I'm constantly trying to figure out whether or not they like me. I'm constantly trying to look for cues, and guess what? You are checking your phone every 10 minutes. Staring at it, hoping and praying, and maybe manifesting whether or not they are going to show up, whether their number is going to pop up on your phone and you are going to get a message and, oh my goodness, like, ah, and you may be in a state of massive anxiety, massive panic, and it is scary. You don't know whether or not this person likes you. And sure enough, at some point they send a response. But then you don't know, are they just responding?'cause they're being kind, because they're kind of trying to throw you a bone. Um, do they really like you? Do they pretend that they like you? Do you have to change yourself? Do you have to kind of try and cool it down and play it chills so that they don't get turned off by you so that you're not burdened, that you're not asking them too much. You come up with all of these questions, becomes really stressful. So what the heck do you do? How do you navigate the situation? Well, here's the thing, and I'm going to say this. I'm going to move on after I say it, but I'm just going to say what I'm about to say and I want you to hold this in mind for the rest of this conversation. You are not being clingy, but you are craving co-regulation. You are not being clingy. But anytime you might be fearful and anxious that you are being clingy, that you're being a bit too much, you're a bit too needy. What's actually happening is that you are craving co-regulation. Now, what on earth am I talking about? For many of us, many of us who have grown up. In situations where we just don't know what we need to do in order to experience love, we just don't know what we need to do in order to experience affection, attention, and we, I. Learn through various different experiences. Well, if I do really well, if I perform really well, if I get straight A's in school, if I go to university and do really well on my exams and my assignments, if I get a really good job, if I get a promotion, if I start up my own company and it succeeds, if I do all of these incredible things, then I'll be good enough. Or it might be that if I, um, really pay attention to other people, and if I make sure that other people are okay, and if I'm constantly helping other people, then I'm gonna be okay, and I'm gonna be safe and other people are gonna like me. If I grew up in those kinds of situations, then what happens is that I develop these conditions of, okay, well I need to do X, Y, and Z. And if I do X, Y, and Z then other people like me. They're not gonna reject me. They're going to want to spend time with me. But what happens in that moment is that I become very well queued up to looking at other people for cues, for signals. I. Does this person like me or not? And so I am paying acute attention on how the other person is, and I am decoding absolutely every single little bit of message, every single, uh, iMessage that I get, every single grunt, every single side, every single look, every single statement, every single everything. I am there paying attention to it. All, and I am analyzing every single thing that comes my way from this person. And guess what? I get paralyzed from how much I'm analyzing what is happening in the conversation because. Do they think, do they like me? Do they not like me? Do they think I'm a bit too much? Do they, are they proud of my achievements? Do, are they happy about the fact that I've helped them out and all this stuff? Do they really appreciate what I did? Do I have to do more in order for them to appreciate me to see me? And, and we end up with all of these questions, and then we're starting to question, well, actually, did I do enough for this person to like me? But then on the flip side is, oh, okay, well maybe I'm, maybe I'm a bit too much because. I'm, I'm doing all the things that I believe that I should be doing in order to get love, in order to get affection and attention. I'm doing all the things that I've learned to do over the years, like why is it not working? Because I'm doing all of these things and I. I don't know whether or not they like me. Like I really don't know. I can't tell. And, um, that, that anxious part of me is craving reassurance. It is craving some kind of signal of validation, of verification of like, okay, yeah, you're fine. And yes, I do like you and yes, I do love you and yes, I do think you're amazing and oh yeah, you don't actually have to be so performative. Uh, but it, you know, it. It's really hard to get to that point because I'm so anxious and I can't ask them for reassurance. I'm seeking reassurance, but I, I dunno how to go about it because the way that I've been reassured previously is through looking at other people's signals and seeing that they're happy with me. So, for example, if I grew up in a household where. I got a lot of praise for doing well in school. Then I would look at the grownup and see, oh, okay, I'm guessing praise. Therefore, that is my reassurance that I'm okay and that everything's okay. And you know, they've given me validation because I did really well. Therefore, everything is great. So the cue that I was looking for was the praise. But when I'm entering the dating world, or if I've been in a relationship for quite some time and I'm not getting that level of reassurance, I'm not getting the, Hey, I'm really proud of you, or, Hey, you're doing amazing. Or, Hey, this is so much, oh my goodness, like you've accomplished so much more than I would've ever anticipated or expected. If I'm not getting those kinds of signals. In my adult relationship or with the person that I'm dating, then I get really confused. I don't know if I'm doing enough because I don't know if I've hit the mark. I don't know if that person sees me, if they appreciate me, if they think that I am good enough, like I just don't know. I don't know how they feel about me. Because I'm not getting the signals that I'm used to. I'm not getting the cues. I'm not getting the tick in the box from that person. It's like a student doing their homework, handing it into the teacher, and the teacher just stares at it, but doesn't say anything. And I'm anxiously waiting to get my results. I'm anxiously for that green tick for that. A plus, like I'm, I'm anxiously waiting for. Then to say, yes, you did well. And guess what? I spent ages working on this thing, on this project, and I'm not getting a response. That's really uncomfortable. And, and that's what it feels like. And for many people, particularly for we're anxiously attached. We are wanting that reassurance, we're craving that reassurance, and we're needing that reassurance. More than people who are securely attached. We need that reassurance more than people who are avoidantly attached or disorganized. Well, maybe not disorganized, but, but we are needing that reassurance more. And people who are securely attached, on the other hand, they will do what they do. They'll do what they believe is the best thing for them to do. And they will give, they will provide, they'll do all of these things and they like. The compliment, they like the validation, but they don't necessarily need it. You know, it's nice to have, but they don't need it. They don't rely on it because they actually know internally they've done enough. They know internally that they're good enough that they have done the right thing. They feel secure in that, and so they don't necessarily need the validation externally. It's nice to get, but they don't need it. It's okay if they don't get it, and they can then make a judgment in terms of how it is that they want to move forward with that relationship. Because if there is complete absence of acknowledgement for affection or love or care, if they're not aligned, then person who's securely attached will walk away and you know it'll be a clean slate. That's okay. Might hurt, might get a bit upset, but they know that they'll be okay, whereas the person who's anxiously attached, we're needing such a huge level of validation of reassurance that we just don't know what to do if we don't get it. And so we might do more. We might up the answer, let's say, hoping that we'll get something and we might then end up playing it. Cool. For some people, and this is when we really start to move into disorganized attachment. So that's really when you are really anxious, you are wanting a lot of validation and reassurance, but then. If you get a bit too close to the person, you then start to put'em at arm's length, then you're really not too sure. Then you try to protect yourself by withholding, by withdrawing, and you are doing the stance between approaching the person, wanting more reassurance, wanting validation, but then also moving away and backing off. So it be, it can become a real challenge in that moment, but let's go back. Your clinginess, your need for reassurance is not you being clingy, but actually it's your need for co-regulation and co-regulation is crucial, is absolutely mandatory in any relationship. If you don't know what co-regulation is, it is. Way different to codependency, and I know code, the word codependency has been battered a lot recently on social media. But ultimately, co-regulation is when. We feel calm inside of our nervous system, and our partner feels calm inside of their nervous system, their autonomic nervous system, and it is the influence that we both have on each other's nervous systems, and we can create that sense of safety from a physiological. Point of view. And if we have safety in our body, in our nervous system, then we feel safe emotionally. We feel safe subconsciously. We feel safe in our thoughts, our belief systems, and we also act as if everything was safe. Everything is calm, everything is secure. We are going to be okay. It is all going to be fine. So I'm going to talk a little bit more about co-regulation now. I'll ask you this. Have you ever walked into a room and you just felt the tension? You could cut the tension with an eye, you walked into the room and ah, and you feel it in your gut and you want to be sick or you want to leave. Something happens and automatically you are on high hili. You know that something's off. You know something's not okay. And. You better deal with it. You better solve it. You better do something. You better try and help as much as possible, or you just need to walk out or you keep your mouth shut, but, but all of a sudden you're on high alert. You might not know exactly what's going on or what to do, but you just know. Okay, so when that happens, what's going on in that moment? Is that the person or people who are in the room? Their nervous system, their fight or flight response, so their sympathetic nervous system, the parcel of us that feels threatened, that gets activated when we're stressed, when we are under attack, or when we're trying to defend ourselves. That part is activated in the person that you're approaching. So the person who's in the room. And it might be activated for a whole heap of reasons. It might be that they had a bad day at work. Maybe they had a difficult conversation with somebody, but ultimately, their nervous system, their sympathetic fight or flight response is activated. Now, when that's activated, you feel it. You feel it for? So in so many different ways because you pick up on cues. So you pick up on their voice tone, on their facial expressions, on their body language, and all of those things make up 93% of communication. So before they even open up their mouths. You've already picked up on 93% of their communication.'cause what you say is only 7% of communication, 93% is all the stuff that's not said. So you pick up on all these cues, these nonverbal cues, but not only that, you body also picks up on the pheromones. So if they have got a system that is so high in adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisol, if their system is. Fueled with all of these stress-based neurotransmitters and hormones, it gets released into the air. It's in their pheromones, it's in their sweat, and you detect that just by walking into the room. And that has a huge influence on your nervous system. And so then your nervous system gets jacked up, your sympathetic nervous system, your fight or flight response then becomes activated. And so this is the reason why you get on high alert and all of this happens in milliseconds. It happens so fast. Way faster than your brain ever has a chance to catch up with. Believe me, your brain can't work that fast. Your conscious thoughts cannot work that fast, but your nervous system's already gotten there and, and it, and it has to for evolutionary purposes, right? Like it's, it's the way that we keep our bodies safe. So we have to be very, very good at detecting any form of threat or potential threat. And guess what? When we're activated in that space, we are going to be activated for. A minimum of 45, 50 minutes. That is, that is just how our nervous system works, right? Before we can really start to feel calm and safe. So if we're in that state, we walk in, we feel our partner being really stressed, or whoever is being really stressed and. There is a lot of tension. Then we all of a sudden feel that anxiety and that tension as well. That becomes very challenging, particularly if you've got an insecure attachment style, because what happens in that moment is that you believe you are not safe. You believe whatever's happening is about you, that you might be abandoned, that you might be criticized, that you might be attacked, and so you are already doing all of these mental calculations of what is your next move? How are you going to calm down the situation? How are you going to make sure that you are not a burden that the other person doesn't dislike you and. Hopefully that they come to terms with you being the greatest thing on the planet for them. Like how is it that you're going to do that? And, and all of these calculations happen really, really fast and you are frantically trying to figure out what is your next move. Now, if you're in that state, in a relationship that is not healthy for anybody because you are then cycling, trying to. Fix something that you don't actually know what's going on because you know your partner might be off because of something else that has nothing to do with you. And it does not mean that you are not safe if they're unhappy. We just need a different solution. We just need a different approach. So what's the solution to all of this? Okay, well, I said it's really about this concept of our nervous systems. Regulating one another. So if I feel something in my nervous system, so if my soothing system is activated, so that's. The opposite of the fight or flight response. So the soothing system is really, which is a parasympathetic nervous system. But if that system is activated, then I feel soothed. I feel calm, I feel grounded, and I feel safe, and I feel secure if that is the state that I'm in. And I can be strong in that state because I feel it deeply. This is not something you can fake, by the way. This is not something that you can play, pretend, and hopefully it'll come like fake it till you make it. No, no. You have to actually do the work and that's, that's how it is. It has to be authentic. But if you're in that state where you are in your parasympathetic dominance and you are feeling soothed. Guess what? Your partner is going to pick up on that as well. And so it brings down the anxiety level and that tension in your partner. And so then in that moment you both feel calm, you both feel safe, and you both feel secure and love with one another. And. If your partner is the person to feel safe, secure, if they are in their parasympathetic dominance, if they are feeling soothed and they are feeling calm, they are feeling secure. And you are not. Maybe you are having a bad day for whatever reason, or you are really nervous about whether or not they like you, but the moment that you see them in that calm state, it also starts to regulate your nervous system because you are then able to detect. They're pheromones, you are able to detect, uh, neurotransmitters like oxytocin, right? So bonding love hormone as it were. You are able to detect the serotonin, the endorphins, you are able to experience the feel good hormones that they are literally sweating out, right? Like it is in the air, in the pheromones. But you are also able to pick up on all the facial cues on their voice, on their expression. In their tone, in their body language, you are able to pick up on all these different signals that tells your nervous system, oh, okay, it's safe. I can breathe, I can lean into this. And that is really what you are craving when you are in that state of. Are being clingy and, and you're frightened that you are being a burden and that you're being too needy and you're wanting reassurance, you're needing reassurance, but at the same time, you're really frightened as how to go about it. Well, actually, what you are really craving in that moment is co-regulation. You are really craving a partner who is solid, who is grounded in their own sense of self, in their own emotional intelligence and emotional regulation skills. You are really craving that. Because that is a thing that is also going to be very soothing for you. And the moment that you experience that, then actually it then starts to activate your vagal nerve, which is, um, associated with your parasympathetic nerve system. And that is the thing that is really going to start soothing you and start healing you. The more that you experience this co-regulation, that is really when we start finding healing in a relationship, because that is really when we start recognizing, oh, okay, I can breathe. My partner is okay with me, just the way that I am. This is my opportunity to learn that I am safe with this person, that this person. Wants me that this person is happy and is calm, and is accepting in my presence. This is my opportunity to learn that this person. Is still around me. They're still showing me love and care and attention, even when I'm not doing anything, even when I'm not performing, even when I perhaps am being a bit needy, perhaps I am being a bit clingy and I'm asking them, Hey, stroke my hair, and hey, tell me that you love me. And hey, like, you know, I might kind of go into a bit more of an exaggerated mode there, but I can see that this person is still stable. And even though I'm the frantic one in this moment, potentially, actually, I still find stability in their stability and they're still able to hold me in my needy nature in that moment. But really what is happening in that is it is just my need to feel safe. It is just my need to feel calm, to feel whole, to feel collected, to feel secure. And it is not being a burden. It is just a basic human need. This is something essential for all of us. It is essential for any healthy relationship, and even if you're not in a relationship, this is definitely something for you to work on because guess what? If you are able to regulate yourself, if you are able to activate your own. Uh, parasympathetic nervous system. If you are able to really detox all the traumas in your nervous system, that would be activating the fight or flight that would make you a bit more sensitive, that would make you a bit more heightened, that would make you feel insecure if you are able to. Literally eradicate this from your nervous system. And by the way, this is work that we do all the time. It's not impossible, like we get a lot of success with this and with hundreds of people that I've worked with, which have succeeded on this. But if you are able to do that, then you can regulate yourself. And if you are regulated, you are fully in your power. So when you start entering a relationship, let's say you're in. The dating world and you know, you're starting to meet people. It is far easier for you to be able to meet the right one. It is far easier for you to be able to meet somebody who can meet you where you are at because you are not going to be needy. You are not going to be dependent. You are not going to have that, that negative energy around whether or not they like you. You're, you're not going to be coming from that place because you're going to be coming from a place of security. And if you are coming from a place of security and stability, then it's a lot easier to see, Hey, does this person also have the ability to regulate me? I. As much as I can regulate them, I need them to also regulate me because I might have an off day, I might have a day at work where I'm really stressed and I just wanna be able to go home and you know, I, I just want someone else to be able to help me out at that moment, even though, okay, maybe I don't need them, but it would be really nice to have somebody else who will hold me in that moment and who will be the stable one for both of us in that moment. But for me to really get to that point, for me to really decipher actually, is this person stable enough and, and are they regulated enough? Are they emotionally mature enough? Are they emotionally intelligent enough? Have they worked on their own traumas? And they're not going to be projecting negative stuff onto me. I really need to start with myself. Because I can't expect to attract something that is beyond the level where I'm at. I will only ever attract the relationship based on the position that I'm at at the moment with regards to my healing work, with regards to how much trauma I've got left in my nervous system with regards to my own self beliefs and self-worth. And so I need to start with myself so that I can level up in my relationship. If you liked today's talk, please like please subscribe and please share it with a friend or a family member because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of them will de to you. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, so please help me out in my mission and take care until next time, and I will see you on the other side.