Who are you when you're not people pleasing?

Not seeking approval, not chasing validation, not working endlessly to be admired, loved, or appreciated—who are you then?

For many of us, especially those raised in emotionally unstable or high-pressure environments, our identity has been shaped by what others needed from us. We’ve learned to do in order to be seen. Academic success, over-giving, people-pleasing—these became our masks. And over time, our sense of self became entangled in applause, performance, and conditional love.

This is especially true in codependent dynamics: “I need you to need me.” These relationships are built on mutual performance, not authenticity. We rescue to feel worthy. We stay needed to feel needed. But underneath it all, there’s fear—who am I if I’m not saving, fixing, doing?

The truth? That identity you’re clinging to may not be yours at all. It's often a collection of inherited traumas, distorted beliefs, and someone else’s wounds bleeding into your story.

Healing starts by clearing those internalised stories. Even the subtle, sneaky “little t” traumas—chronic criticism, emotional absence, feeling never enough—shape our nervous system and relationship blueprint. And the work is to disentangle, to reclaim who you truly are without needing to earn your right to exist.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and co consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. If anything that we talk about today does resonate with you, please click the link below and we would be more than happy to help you. Now on with your journey to relationship success. who are you? When you are not performing for approval, who are you? When you are not getting validation from someone else, who are you when you are not getting admiration, getting love, getting care, getting affection, getting attention from someone else who are you? And I would argue that this is one of the biggest questions that we face in the modern world, in the western world, is this question of who am I? And facing that question can be really daunting for a lot of us, because if we've grown up with a lot of instability, if we've grown up with trauma Big T or little T Trauma, if we grew up. Not really feeling safe if we grew up with this emotional instability where we got geared to perform, to do for other people, to either people please or to walk on eggshells, because if we were breaking those eggshells, then guess what? Other people would be disappointed in us if we were geared to do really well academically to achieve, to thrive, and to push and to drive and be relentless. If the messages that we were given from our parents or our caregivers is that we had to do a lot in order to receive something from somebody. If we had to give and give and give to the point where we are breaking our backs, even if we're broken. But we still give and we still prioritize other people and we still show up every single day. Providing as much as possible. Doing as much as possible, and only then are we witnessed by somebody. Only then are we seen. If that's the case, if that's how we've been brought up, then it becomes incredibly excruciating because our sense of self, our sense of identity gets tangled up and it gets warped into. Whatever other people want or need. But also, we're not even entirely sure if that perception's correct, so we're dealing with a whole heap of mess here. But ultimately, out of all of this, if I was to clear the clouds, what you are really looking for is your sense of self. What you are really wanting to connect with is your own being, is your own essence, is your own identity. But unfortunately, from. Your upbringing, childhood, adolescence, even adulthood. But from your life experiences, you've accidentally led the message, the incorrect message, but you've accidentally led the story that you have to perform for other people. You have to do something for other people to see you, to witness you, to appreciate you, to value you. You have to do these things in order to be. Human in order for your identity to exist. Otherwise, you would not exist if you didn't do, if you didn't achieve a certain level in terms of academics or profession. If you didn't achieve in terms of finances, if you didn't look a particular way, if you didn't act a particular way, if you didn't prioritize other people's needs, if you didn't shut your mouth and. All of these things. Somehow we create the story in our mind that we have to do all of these things in order to be witnessed, and that is what creates a foundation of our identity. But really it's quite messed up. So let's dive in. First point that I wanna talk about is really about the conditions that we get brought up in and. Unfortunately, when we are brought up by parents, by caregivers who may be well intended, but they're not emotionally intelligent, they're a bit lower on the EQ scale, perhaps they haven't done the internal work. Perhaps they have had their own traumas and their own wounds that they've not been able to heal from. And they're just operating in fight or flight mode. Even if they're being really kind and they're, you know, they're really well intended, but all of their wounds and all of their old traumas are going to bleed out in the interaction. And so when you are young and when you are looking up at the big person and you are trying to figure out the world, you're trying to make sense of how you position yourself in the world, how other people see you. And therefore how you end up seeing yourself. It's skewed. It's skewed through the lens of the big person who has experienced trauma, who's got that baggage, and they just bring that baggage into your relationship. So any parent out there. By the way, if you've not done this internal healing work, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you do. Because guess what? You're going to be bringing baggage to the relationship that you have with your child. Even if you're really well intended, it will bleed out. And again, I know that you might not like to hear that message, and I'm not here to make friends and to get you to like me. But I'm actually here to tell you the truth, and that is my absolute mission, is to be of service and to tell you what it's that you need to hear. But. Any parent who hasn't done this work, who is carrying baggage, it will bleed out your child. And us as children, when we experience this from our parents, we end up absorbing their baggage and we end up making sense of the baggage to mean something about us and our identity. So. Essentially what happens is that we learn we have to do this in order to receive love, so we have to perform this way academically in order for us to receive admiration and us performing well academically that forms our identity. We end up associating these conditions with our identity. That we are somebody who does well academically. Or alternatively, if we had to look a particular way in order to get attention and to get praise, then we form that as a part of our identity, that we are somebody who looks this particular way, who strives to look a particular way to be attractive, whatever it might be, and that is part of our identity. So we take on board all of these different conditions that we've lived with. That we perceive gives us some form of worth, and we integrate that with our identity. So we're constantly performing and we're constantly doing, we're constantly acting in line with these conditions because somehow we feel that that will construct our identity, that will construct who we are. But ultimately, these are just conditions playing out for us to. Give other people a performance, so hopefully they can give us the applause and when the applause isn't there, that's really daunting It. Makes us believe that we've not done enough. It makes the inner child the fearful part, the vulnerable part of ourselves believe that we've not done enough. And so we have to do more. We have to up the ante, we have to up the performance. We have to do better, be more, give more, and we end up on this hamster wheel where we are just not. Doing and giving enough, and that is relentless because if you are on that ham hamster wheel, guess what happens to your identity? It comes crumbling down as well, because your identity is unstable. It is fragile because it's based on something that can't be controlled and it's based on something that is so transient that always changes. It's based on something that is just immeasurable because. One day you might get approval the next day. You might not, and it's nothing to do with you. It might be to do with the other person, but there you are. You are left behind and you are left fractured. So this is something that's really challenging. But the other side of the coin on this is really about codependency. Now, codependency is this idea of I need you to need me. And you need me to need you as well. So ultimately it's a relationship based on need. So for example, I might be the person who always helps you out, who always pulls you out of a difficult position and therefore. I feel good when I do that, uh, because I've helped you survive. So in a way, I feel better about myself because guess what? I helped somebody else survive. I helped you survive. But also you need me to help you to survive, and you become dependent on me, on my skills and on my abilities. You somehow think that I am magical or that I possess this power so that I can help you survive because you wouldn't be able to survive without me. And what happens in that dynamic? I mean, that's just an example of one, but what happens in that moment is that the relationship is purely based on need. So I need you to need me to make me feel like I've got a purpose, my purpose being that I save you, that I save people, that I have value in that way, but ultimately I also want you to need me because the moment that. You need me And with that, I need you to make me feel like I'm worth something, but I also need you to be a victim, to be helpless in that moment, in this particular example. And the reason why I might need you to be a victim and to be helpless in that particular moment is because it provides me with a sense of purpose. Because if I was just a rescuer. And there was no one there who needed to be rescued. Then am I really fulfilling my purpose in life? Am I really able to perform in the way that I know that would give me validation, that would give me praise, that would give me love, that would give me some kind of value? Well, no, I can only exist as a rescuer if somebody else was a victim, and so I would need you to be a victim in order for me to. Do my duty in order for me to perform, in order for me to get validation, in order for me to form some kind of identity. So you can see in a codependency, it can become really, really unhealthy because the relationship is based on need. I need you to need me. And vice versa. You need me to need you, and it just goes on. So the relationship is purely based on needing each other to fulfill each other's needs and to perform for one another. But ultimately we're doing that so that we can try and find some kind of meaning about ourselves, some kind of construct to our identity. Because if someone, let's say a partner or a friend or a family member, if somebody that I knew of was always helpless, was often helpless, was often struggling, was often in their victimhood, and I came in with my superhero cape and I was able to save them, it gives me some kind of identity I'm performing in that moment. I'm helping them out. But also I hold on to that identity, that identity of I'm a good person because I rescue people. And, um, by the way, I'm not saying don't help people. If you are, uh, somebody who resonates, uh, or you know, who finds a story quite familiar. But what I am saying is that this is not your identity. Yeah, this is something that becomes really unhealthy. That's actually what we'll be lending into codependency. And so when we're in a codependent relationship, we never actually see eye to eye. We never see the person for who they are, and they never see us for who we are because the relationship is purely based on, I need you to need me to need you to need me, and it just goes on. There is nothing else. So we might not even like the person that we're in a relationship with. But we just need them to need us because then it gives us some kind of meaning and some kind of purpose. But when we're face to face with them, when we strip away any performance that I might be doing in order to get validation for my identity or for who I am, when that's stripped away, I don't even know if I like this person. But at the same time, I'm holding on because it is frightening to know what would happen if I didn't have this person. It's frightening to see or imagine the possibility of, well, what if I wasn't rescuing this person all the time? What if I wasn't performing in this particular way and. That I didn't get the applause, that I didn't get the praise, that I didn't get the love. Like what? What would happen then? Who would I then be? And people often hold onto these dynamics. They hold onto the performance'cause it is really a performance, but they hold onto the performance because it gives'em something. It constructs their sense of self. And if they let go of the performance, they have no idea what's going to happen. It's really daunting. It's really, really scary. And so you are constantly trying to do more and be more, and act more and give more, and you know, whether you are forming a codependent relationship or whether it's conditional upbringing in terms of your worth and your value. But ultimately you are having to perform, you're having to act in a particular way to give your life some kind of meaning, to give your identity some kind of meaning so that you can somehow discover yourself. Or that that's how you constrict yourself. But believe me, that is not who you are. That version is essentially you getting really messy and mixed up with every other person around you. Who, by the way, is unhealed. If they are projecting the stuff onto you. They are people who are also in their own suffering, who have got their own history of traumas that they've not dealt with, but somehow. You've adopted it and you've made it your own. You've made it like an issue that you are having to deal with and you are having to resolve yourself, but then it's an endless search for your being. So where do you go from here? This is something that is absolutely crucial and it's really about, first off, clearing all the traumas that might be in your system, either the nervous system, your subconscious. But it is really about eradicating the traumas. And you know, sometimes the traumas don't seem so obvious because they're not big T traumas, but I would argue the little t traumas are perhaps even more sneaky. They are the traumas when we experience day-to-day criticism, not enoughness, day-to-day judgment. Day-to-day absence. Tho those little traumas, even though you might not label them as traumas, but the nervous system registers them as such, if you are experiencing enough of those, then it gets wired into your conditioning. It gets wired into the types of relationships that you have, and then ultimately in con, it constructs your identity and who you are, your sons of self. But we really need to clear out those traumas because you've adopted stories that don't belong to you. You've adopted negative stories and negative beliefs, limiting self beliefs that are just not yours. And the moment that you are able to clear them, that is really when you can start resting. You can start being in your parasympathetic dominance, and you can really start exploring your sense of being. And you can do that from a place where you feel safe enough to do so. You know, often people don't venture into this work because they feel like it's too dangerous, it's too frightening, it's too intimidating to go there, to go to that place because they don't know what will come out of it, and they don't feel safe. They might not like the performance, but they know how the store goes. They, they, they know. How it runs. They know it's because it's familiar, so it feels comfortable in some kind of way, even if they don't like it, but to do something different, to let go of the performance and realize that they would be safe without that, and so that they can really explore and be playful in finding their own sense of self. That's scary, but that's really where the work lies, and this is something that is absolutely possible and we do it day in and day out with clients. So it is absolutely possible for you to, and you are not alone in this mission. If you liked today's talk, please like and subscribe and share it with a friend or a family member because if you like to, I bet you that one of them will do too. And please. Take care of yourselves. Until next time, I'll see you on the other side.