The hidden cost of betrayal NO ONE is talking about

 Betrayal doesn’t just break trust with others—it shatters your trust in yourself. In this episode, Dr. Sarah explores the hidden cycle of self-doubt, blame, and reassurance-seeking that keeps high achievers stuck in toxic relationships. Discover why rebuilding self-trust is the key to healing from infidelity, lies, or emotional betrayal—and how a simple “self-trust audit” can rewire your confidence, emotional safety, and relationship choices. 

Transcript

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Hello friends. Good to have you back if you are. New to this. I am Dr. Sarah, specialist in relationship health, and I help high achievers and those toxic relationship cycles and build self-worth. Let's get into it, because today we are talking about. The issue of self-trust, particularly after betrayal, and for many of us when we've been betrayed in a relationship, and by the way, I'm speaking about relationships quite broadly here, but when we've been betrayed in a relationship, so whether it be by a romantic partner, whether it be a colleague, whether it be a family member, a friend, whoever it is, but if we have been betrayed. And by the way, betrayal can happen in so many different ways. It could be being lied to, being deceived, cheating, infidelity. It could be social humiliation, being embarrassed by other people, and you know, having certain things spoken about that you didn't want them to speak about publicly, and you trusted them in keeping certain things private. But the moment that you feel portrayed. What often happens is that you fear losing them, or you might have lost them. The relationship may have ended, but ultimately you actually lose trust in yourself. And we go through this spiral between betrayal and loss of self-trust. So when we've been betrayed. We then start questioning our choices. We start blaming ourselves for the situation. And this can operate in two different ways. So we either question our choice in the sense of why did I end up with this person, or why did Id this, this, and this? Or why did this happen? And so there are a lot of why questions and we are constantly replaying everything about that relationship to try and solve it. But the thing has already happened, and so we are constantly replaying the past. We are ruminating, assessing, deciphering, we are looking at it from every single angle, imagining that there was something else that would've happened, and we are constantly operating from that space to try and solve the issue even though the issue has already happened and. When that happens, when we're going down this process, what we're actually doing is we're questioning our decision making skills. We are questioning where were the red flags? Why didn't I see the red flags? Was it me, was it them? What was going on here? Why is it that I chose that person? And also why did I do that thing that led to the betrayal? Um, and by the way, this might not be anything that you actually did, but for example, if you were. Um, working a lot, and so you weren't at home as much or perhaps you weren't as attentive and uh, then they were unfaithful to you. Your partner was unfaithful. Or for example, if you were in a situation where you, uh, did something that may have been a little bit questionable and then all of a sudden they embarrassed you in front of other people. Like if, if those kinds of things happened, then. You might start questioning, well, why did I do that thing? Why did I spend so much time on work? Or why did I do that thing that was a little bit questionable? That then ended up being super embarrassing and, and then you start blaming yourself. But when you are questioning yourself, that is a massive trap. So that's one avenue. The other avenue is constant self blame, and so then you are blaming yourself in, I shouldn't have done this. I should have done that Instead, this would've been the solution that I should have gone down. In the past. And so you are constantly blaming yourself in the hope that you would get an answer, that you would have a solution to try and solve this betrayal. But the betrayal has already happened, and so you are blaming yourself for something that is already in the past in the hope that you would solve the past, but that's not going to happen. So you are going about this backwards and. When? When we're in that space, it's incredibly challenging because we literally get stuck and we are constantly battling with ourselves. So first step, the betrayal happens. Then second step, which is like two A and TB two A, is I'm constantly questioning myself, and TB is I'm constantly blaming myself. What ends up happening is that we then approach situations with such hesitation and such hesitation from. A couple of different angles. So if we're embarking on a new relationship, we may be very wary. We may be pushing somebody at arm's length and really testing them. We may be questioning them. We may be trying to find out as much as possible as we can about that person so that we can, ah, okay. I know enough about that person for me to be able to trust them, for me to be able to move forward. That might be one possibility, or it might be that. I'm constantly assessing and evaluating this person in front of me just to see where is this relationship going to go, and maybe I take things super slow. The other thing is that I might be constantly seeking reassurance and wanting reassurance from this person as much as possible. So I am constantly messaging. I am on edge. I am looking at my phone, watching, waiting, hoping, and praying that they're going to respond to me and give me that reassurance that I'm looking for. So maybe if I get reassurance that they like me enough, they love me enough, that they feel I'm good enough, that they won't betray me. Yeah. But with that, there are things that I'm doing there that could potentially be harmful to the relationship because if I'm watching them from a distance, if I'm keeping them at arms length or if I'm constantly testing and assessing'em. I'm actually also paralyzing myself because I'm thinking a lot with my head as opposed to my heart, and I'm always going to be an analyzing every single good and bad thing, not knowing if it's good or bad. So I am going to be paralyzed, right? I'm, I'm paralyzing myself through analysis. However, on the other hand, if I'm constantly looking for assurance, then. My life goes on hold because my emotions, how good enough I feel, or how safe enough I feel. How, okay, how much I can breathe easy will always be adjusted and regulated based on how that other person treats me. And so I end up in a situation where I also don't win because I'm always looking for reassurance and I'll get that reassurance at some point, but then that reassurance I just got will only be enough momentarily. Until I'm waiting for the next lot of reassurance. And then the next, and then the next, and then the next. And so I'm constantly battling with myself and this is a real issue. It's a real problem. So, well, let's go back to the cycle. First is a betrayal, so I'll step one two A self self-questioning two B. Self blame, and then it moves into C how it is that I respond. So responding with hesitation and also responding with a lot of reassurance seeking behaviors. But whichever way I go. I'm likely to end up with a poor choice again. So whether it be in the same relationship or whether it be a different one, I'm likely to end up being in a position where I actually enter another harmful relationship where I will feel some level of betrayal, and that's simply because. I'm either constantly testing, and by the way, if you're constantly testing, at some point you will be betrayed because, and, and that could be inadvertently or purposefully in, in a harmful way, but you will be betrayed, right? And so just to flesh that out a bit more, the reason why you will be betrayed and you will end up with poor choices is because if you are raw, is testing. What happens, there's a couple of different potential outcomes, but what happens is that you are testing that person time and time again because you're really wanting reassurance. You're wanting to know that it's safe, but being tested on the other side is exhausting. And so the other person, they may be safe, they may be fine. But you'll never actually see that because they'll be tested again and again and again. And actually they'll get fed up and they'll just go. And so when they go, we end up seeing it as, ah, see they were gonna abandon me. They were gonna betray me anyway. So I predicted this. I tested for it, and the outcome was they betrayed me because they abandoned me. But it's actually, we kind of. Prophesized that we actually created that and manifested that because we were constantly testing them and so they have no option but to go. On the other hand. If we were constantly testing them and they were people who just weren't, you know, this person wasn't aligned to us, then yeah, they would end up betraying us, and we get evidence of that as well. But also, we may be seeking reassurance from'em, and so we're hoping that they will change. We're hoping that they will appreciate us, that they will see us, that they will value us, and validate us like we're, we're sitting there in the hope that that will happen. And so therefore, we won't be betrayed. We will be appreciated. But that's not necessarily to say that that's going to happen, right? And so we end up with these poor choices and we end up with these poor choices simply because we are struggling to trust ourselves. We're struggling to trust ourselves in terms of safety within any relationship is really about the safety that is inside of us when we're talking about trust in a relationship. We're often caught up in this pattern, in this belief system that the safety is all about how that other person treats us. And so if that other person treats us well, then we are safe. If the other person treats us poorly, then we're not safe. And so we believe that our safety is based on how it is that they interact with us. And I would say. Yeah, partly, but actually the real safety is within you. The safety that's inside of you is this idea of really trusting yourself in that you don't know what life is gonna bring to you. No one has a crystal ball. We have absolutely no idea what the future holds for us. Like we don't, we don't know if our partner who is safe now is going to be safe in 10 years time. Like we literally don't. We can hope, we can expect, we can kind of calculate the likelihood, but we really don't know. We just don't know. But the thing that you can know with certainty. Other thing that you should be developing knowledge on with certainty is how safe you feel within yourself. The safety that I might not know what the future holds for me, but I know that I can keep myself safe. I know that I trust myself enough to be able to take action if the moment calls upon it. I know and I trust myself, and I feel safe and secure in myself that if I am betrayed. I will know how to protect myself. I will know how to stand up for myself. I will know how to self attend as opposed to self abandon because I'm caught up in trying to convince the other person to stop betraying me like I am. Holding onto the sense of safety in myself, because the relationship is really about me and myself. How is it that I'm treating myself? Am I talking to myself in a way that is compassionate? Am I holding myself in mind? Am I holding my inner child with love and safety and compassion? And recognizing that, okay, the world may be crazy, this relationship may be up and down. Uh, you know, people that I'm dating may be up and down, or I might get into arguments with somebody. You know, all of these things may happen and that's okay'cause that's part of life. And, you know, I, I can work on those things. I can try and navigate those situations, but I can only figure out how to navigate those situations and how to find a solution and how to. Be wise about my next steps. I can only do those things if I feel safety and trust within myself. So the trust isn't about that other person keeping me safe or not, but it's really about can I keep myself safe? Can I really trust myself to know that even though I dunno what life holds me, I know that I will try and figure it out. I know that I will do right by myself and take the action that is needed. In order to support myself. So for example, I might not know how to respond in an argument. I might not know how to respond in a toxic cycle. I might try, but if I don't know, at least I know and I trust myself, that I would be able to speak to an expert, that I will seek guidance, that I will seek counsel, that I will get help, that I will be able to shift something inside of me so that I can improve so that I can. Hold myself. This is really about a process of self love and it's a self relationship, so it's really about. How we hold ourselves with safety. And one of the things that I talk to my clients about really is the self-trust audit. So self-trust audit is really about how we make micro commitments to ourselves and how it is that we adhere to those commitments. So typically I would be framing this as five micro-commitments that you would. Create with yourself. And you know, I, I go through this program talking about particular types of commitments, but essentially these, there are five different types of micro commitments that we would do and hold towards ourselves. And how is it that we execute on those commitments? And, you know, this is one of. The ways that we can really start to build that self-trust, particularly after betrayal. So an example of one of the micro commitments is really considering, well, how is it that we are speaking with ourselves? So it might be a narrative or a story. Around compassion, or it might be around how is it that we are nourishing ourselves? And when I'm talking about nourishing, it might be around wellbeing, it might be, uh, physical wellbeing, it might be mental wellbeing. Uh, so, so there are different things that we need to commit to. And there are five different pillars, but these pillars that we need to commit to. In order to start building that self-trust, and it's really about the repetition of these commitments that we are then able to strengthen and really able to change our wiring so that we can utilize the power of neuroplasticity so we can build that self trust and we start integrating that self-reliance and that self safety in ourselves. That concludes this episode. So if any of this resonates with you, please get in touch. I would love to hear from you. My details are in the show notes below, and if you found this episode useful, please consider subscribing and share it with a friend because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of them will do too. Until next time, take care.