Boundaries Without Guilt: Am I Selfish or an Inconvenience? Set Boundaries that are ACTUALLY met

Why High Achievers Secretly Struggle Behind Closed Doors

 Many ambitious, successful professionals seem to “have it all” — yet behind closed doors, they quietly battle low self-worth, relationship struggles, and the constant fear of not being enough. In this episode, Dr. Sarah reveals why high achievers often hustle for validation, how hidden trauma cycles sabotage love and self-confidence, and the key to breaking free from survival mode. If you’ve ever felt like success on paper doesn’t match how you feel inside, this is the conversation you need to hear.

Transcript

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Hello, my friends. If you are new here I am Dr. Sarah, expert in relationship health and helping height achievers and those toxic relationship cycles and build self-worth. So let's get into it. How do we have boundaries without guilt? This is arguably one of the toughest hurdles that many of us deal with. And I'm sure you, like many of the people out there have heard of boundaries and how important boundaries are. And as much as we understand and recognize that boundaries are a good thing, um, we somehow find a lot of difficulties really embodying it and really embracing it and embracing it, and practicing the boundary without guilt. And there are also lots of confusion. And misinformation out there about what boundaries are, and let's lay it out here. So we are going to resolve all your boundary issues along with the guilt that might come up when you are trying to have a boundary. So what is a boundary on contrary to what many of you may think a boundary is not getting somebody else to do what it is that you want them to do. Or stopping them from doing the thing that you don't want them to do. The boundary that you implement has everything to do with you and nothing to do with the other person. Often when people say, Hey, you need to have boundaries, the way that it's framed is, well, you need to have boundaries. So you need to think about what it's that you want, what it's that you don't want, and you need to communicate that, and you need to share it with the other person and. If they hear that, then they will adhere to your boundary. So if you say, I want good communication and that's your boundary, then surely. They should engage with you with good communication. And unfortunately that doesn't quite happen. Um, or, you know, another example might be, okay, well you need to have good boundaries. So good boundaries would be you say no to the things that you don't want, and the other person should respect that, and that's okay. That's what boundary is. And well done for saying no to the thing that you don't want. But the issue is really about the response. And often people get really stuck and they trip over themselves asking, well, why is the other person, why is my partner, why is my friend, why is my family member? Why is my colleague, why is whoever that other person is, but why is that person not respecting my boundary? I'm trying really, really hard to put up the boundaries. But it's not working. There's something fundamentally wrong with boundaries that I'm upholding. And when I hear the story, I'll often ask the person, well, what did you do next? And they'll say, well, yeah, but I tried to negotiate more. And then I tried explaining why I had these boundaries, and I tried getting them to see how it is I feel. I ask them. You know, when you don't respect my boundary, that it really upsets me and somehow they, you know, somehow the change doesn't happen and this is the issue. They're constantly focused in on the boundary and expecting and hoping and praying and getting down on their knees and like really pleading with the other person to change their way so that they can adhere to the boundary. But that is not what a boundary is, a boundary. It's something that you hold internally inside of you, and it's something that you execute. It literally has nothing to do with the other person, but it's something that you uphold within yourself and it's something that you execute because it's the thing that you uphold in yourself and we. Are able to have those conversations with the other person, but it's not with the expectation that they are going to adhere to our boundaries because we've got our own back. So I'm gonna elaborate on this a little bit more. When we have a boundary, a real boundary, it is essentially a standard that we hold within ourselves. It is a particular. Desire. It's a particular need. It's a particular mandatory requirement that we have, and that is the thing that we absolutely need, and this is something that we will welcome with open arms and things that are opposing to that. Lie outside of our boundaries, and these are things that we will not accept, we will not tolerate. And then there's the gray zone in the middle. So the green zone is the stuff that we want. So stuff that we want, which would be within our boundaries that we welcome. Maybe things like open communication, transparency, trust. It may be, um, having the hard conversation, but knowing that it's safe. Maybe respect. So those are the things that we welcome in. But the things that we would then say absolutely no to you that we won't tolerate or accept would be the opposite things. So it might be disrespect or it might be no communication at all. It might be avoidant behaviors, it might be attack, abuse, criticism. So those would be things that would be. Shown the exit, and then there are, there's this gray zone in the middle. The gray zone is really about those features and those C characteristics or those things that might happen in a relationship where it can be influenced by other factors. So, for example, I always welcome communication. That's really important to me. That's something that I would need in a relationship. But simultaneously, if that person, if my partner, if my friend, if whoever it is was really struggling because of something else, maybe they're going through a bereavement, maybe they are really overloaded with work, then I might give a little bit of grace and recognizing, actually communication may not be a hundred percent. And that's a gray zone. That's something that I can consider with context, but I know overall things are good and I welcome, welcome them in. Anyway, so this is really how we judge those, those lines and those bands. But here's the thing, when we have a boundary, it is not up to us to expect the other person to change. And it is not up to us to negotiate with the boundary. And this is what I often see is that people then start to negotiate with themselves in terms of the boundary. Can I have this? Can I not have this? And they start to. Become a bit more laxed with boundary. So I'll give you a really easy example, and this is unfortunately something I've seen with clients that I work with currently, clients that I've worked with in the past. And it's something that I see time and time again and it's really devastating. But this is a very common example. So one boundary, maybe I will not tolerate criticism, I won't tolerate abuse, I won't tolerate attack. Which is totally fair. Why should you tolerate those things? They are outside of your boundaries. That, that, you know, that's something that is not acceptable. It's something that you would tolerate. Okay, fantastic. That makes perfect sense. And you can uphold that when you first meet somebody, when you first start dating and, and that feels okay, but as time goes on. And you enter these really toxic, really harmful relationship dynamics where you do get criticism, where you do get snide comments, where you feel like you are being under attacked, where you feel like you are being demeaned or belittled, then somehow. That boundary that we initially have, it's not exercised. And what we end up doing is we start negotiating with that person and we say, Hey, uh, what's going on? Can you please not do that? And can you please change? Uh, when you do that, it really upsets me. And you know, there goes a story. And you know, things may change for a little bit, but then all of a sudden we end up back in that harmful cycle and then we question, and then we get really frustrated and we get really upset. And you know, you might be calling up your friends, calling up your family members, going to therapy, complaining about it, saying, why are they doing this to me? Why are they hurting me? I've told them to stop, but they're still doing it. Like, what the heck is going on? Why won't they open up to me? Why won't they change? Why won't they do A, B, and C? And with that. You are expecting the other person to adhere to your boundary. You're expecting them to say yes and to follow suit. But actually what you are not doing there is you are not executing your boundary.'cause every single boundary that we have, if it is violated, there is a consequence, there should be a consequence. And by the way, this is where the guilt comes in. Okay? So when we have a boundary, and it's something that's really important to us and we recognize it. We can have that conversation. We can tell that other person. We can tell our partner how it is that we feel absolutely we can. So I'm all up for conversations, but what I'm not up for is perpetual negotiation. What I'm not up for is you constantly compromising your own boundary to accommo. Something else that you are not actually okay with, that you won't accept and won't tolerate. So unfortunately what happens, and this by the way, happens with a lot of incredibly intelligent women, incredibly intelligent and successful people, is that they will be in a relationship. They are struggling. They feel like that their boundary is being. Trampled all over, and what they end up doing is that they will negotiate and they will adjust their boundary in order to accommodate the other person. They will have a line, they'll try to express that line if the line's being violated and if the line's being violated. Uh, then what they end up doing is that they actually end up starting to shift the line and accommodate and move the line in order to still accommodate that other person, whether it be their partner, family member, whoever it might be, but they are constantly changing where the line is so that they can allow that other person to enter. And so the boundary. Is no longer a boundary. It's just like a suggestion. Yeah, it's a suggestion of, oh, you know, I'd like it if you didn't do that, but maybe it's okay if you did. That's, that's ultimately the underlying message, and I know that sounds really harsh to say and harsh to hear, but that is ultimately what we're communicating when we're constantly adjusting our boundaries to accommodate the other person, especially when. The original boundary is that we would've never tolerated those behaviors because actually we would've felt like we were being violated. So where does guilt come in? Well, guilt comes in. The moment that we start expressing that boundary. And if you have had a history of trauma, if you've had history of inconsistent relationships, of relationships where you were expected to constantly provide and give and do, if all of your relationships were based on conditions. Then what ends up happening is that you become really confused about what your own boundaries are, and you become really confused because it was never safe for you to really hold, needs for you to express your needs unfiltered. That became really unsafe, and chances are you don't even know what it is that you need. What you start getting programmed into believing that you need the other person. You need the other person in order for you to feel happy. You need the other person to be happy, for you to feel safe, and so your needs aren't even your own. Your needs are based on the other person. Your needs belong to the other person, and when you are operating, you are constantly trying to adjust and adhere to and edit yourself in order to accommodate that other person. And that's when you start negotiating with your boundaries. So your boundaries are never upheld. Your boundaries are always being adjusted to accommodate that other person. And you're doing that from a place of guilt because actually, if you were never able to prioritize your needs in a relationship and all of a sudden you're expressing your need, then it means you're prioritizing that. And oh my goodness, are you allowed to do that? That's a big question, and especially if your nervous system has been geared and programmed to never put yourself first. If your nervous system and your subconscious mind have always prioritized other people. And you learnt either through childhood or through trauma based relationships in adulthood, but if you always learned that you came second and you had to please and provide for the other person, if you had to make sure that the other person was okay and happy for you to be okay and happy. If that is what you learn, that is how you are going to operate. And so placing that boundary, expressing that boundary may feel too scary and you, you would feel like you are taking too much or being too selfish, or you are doing something that is out of the norm that is way too much that you don't deserve. And that's when even the expression of a boundary becomes really challenging, let alone executing it. So you might even say it, but even when you say it, and it comes from a place of fear, you're saying it as a suggestion in the hope that the other person will change. The other person will see your pain and maybe they can prioritize you and maybe them prioritizing you would mean that they can hold your boundary for you. But no, it's up to you to hold your own boundary. So that's something that is absolutely essential for us to recognize is that. When we are upholding these boundaries, it's actually up to us to, to execute the outcome, to execute the consequence of when these boundaries are being violated. But there are stages to this. So the first stage is that we need to really step back and take stock of what are our needs? What needs do we really have in life? In relationships with ourselves, what is it that is a fundamental, basic need for our wellbeing? This is a crucial step, and by the way, when you are thinking about your need, you need to think about it just for yourself as opposed to your needs being attached with somebody else, because the moment that you attach your needs to someone else or their wellbeing. That's when you are at the mercy of them, and that's when you will absolutely not have any boundary like boundaries just go out the window. It just, you just can't uphold them because your boundaries become based on whatever it is that they want and have and need. And so you just don't have any yourself. So first off, we really need to consider what are your needs independently on your own as you are. That is the first step. And from then we need to consider, if we were to put everybody aside, if we were to put the whole world aside and the whole world can wait by the way, while you're doing this exercise. But if we were to put everybody aside, what are you having as mandatory in your life that you need to have without negotiation? And what is it that you are willing to show the door without negotiation? What is it that you absolutely need and want, and what is it that you will absolutely not tolerate or accept? And we need to be really clear on these two categories. Absolutely clear. And like I said before, there will be stuff in the gray zone, but the stuff in the gray zone, we need to then consider, well, what is it that you are willing to tolerate knowing that. There is context behind it. Knowing that even though this is happening, there is still goodwill, there is still benevolence, there is still something good about the relationship that makes this period an anomaly. What is it that you are willing to tolerate and the clearer you are on that, then it becomes a lot easier to have those difficult conversations of implementing the boundary. But also it becomes a lot easier for us to then consider when is it that I need to show somebody the door? Not for you to negotiate your boundary, to accommodate them, not as, not for you to move where the line is, but it is ultimately how it is that you can show the other person the door if they are perpetually violating that. And again, it's not about never having the conversation, but it's really about being intelligent and wise enough to recognize when it's worth having the conversation and when there is no point in having the conversation because actually it is up to you to execute. So the boundary is definitely with you, and it's never down to the other person. It is always in your power, and it is absolutely your responsibility to uphold that boundary. And when you do, that's really when the game changes because you are teaching other people how it is that you expect to be treated. And so then you end up welcoming in the right people, the people that are a good fit for you, and the other people who aren't a good fit for you. They will naturally be weeded out, but this only starts with you, and so it is up to you to become solid in this. If any of this has been helpful for you, please share this episode with a friend because I bet you one of them will find it's helpful too. Until next time, take care.