You can feel "confident" but not worthy. Start feeling good enough now.

You’ve built a life that looks "perfect on paper".

And yet… why does it still feel like something’s missing?

Many women who have succeeded in life, getting the job, promotion, and status may appear confident in certain parts in life, though behind the scenes they feel broken, shattered, and unsure of themselves. They struggle to hold boundaries, relationships feel difficult, they constantly feel attacked or criticised and they're frightened of not doing or being enough. The fear of rejection is real. There is a fear of failure, and the constant fear of not being “enough.” These fears don’t just affect business success; they shape the way you show up in your relationships, too.

In this episode, I discuss the surprising link and difference between self-confidence and self-worth when it comes to ambition, trauma, love, and and survival anxiety show up in personal and professional life. 

https://calendly.com/relationshipsuccesslab-info/discovery-call

https://healtraumabonding.com

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and co consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. So let's get to it. This is a really interesting topic that I wanted to flesh out and I wanna keep the story straight. It is about the difference between self-worth and self-confidence because I go on social media, by the way. I really struggle with social media personally. But anyway, I go on social media and I see a lot of confusion between the two self-worth and self-confidence. And I also see a lot of confusion with clients that I have ended up working with. And you know, they may approach me. To begin with. And they'll say things like, oh, but I do feel like I'm confident and I do feel like I am able to do X, Y, and Z in particular situations and. Yet they're really struggling in their relationships and they don't understand the difference between what is going on. Why is it that? On one hand, I believe I'm confident, and yeah, sure, I love myself. Of course I do, and they're able to talk their way around that. But at the same time, when I ask them about their relationship. They will say, oh, well, you know what? It is a struggle, and Oh, I just need to get over this face, or I just need to work out this argument. Oh, I'll just leave him to do whatever it is he needs to do, just to kind of cool off, and then we will revisit. But ultimately, they are talking about these particular situations and they're really downplaying the problem that is in their relationship because. They also have confidence on the other hand. And so it is almost like they can't quite compute it, but they also never really appreciate how problematic their negative toxic relationship cycles are, and somehow they believe that they can compensate for it. And I often see this, by the way, with people who are very intelligent, intelligent women who. Who are career driven, who are ambitious, who are type A achiever, personality types, and unfortunately this is what's going on, right? So, uh, they are so driven, they're so intelligent, they're able to logic their way to self-love and that they deserve stuff, but at the same time, it, it doesn't quite integrate. And so then they look at their love life and they're willing to. Settle or they're willing to tolerate things that they're not comfortable with, and they do that. And yet say that they're confident. So there is a definite mismatch. Things are great on surface, but actually behind closed doors, there is a lot of anxiety. They are walking on eggshells. They are terrified. They feel like if they stay in the relationship, they're screwed. They feel like if they leave the relationship, they're also screwed. And so there is literally nowhere for them to go, but. We can figure this out if we actually understand the difference between self-worth and self-confidence. And here it is when we're talking about self-confidence. Self-confidence is really about what you believe you can do. What you believe you can do. So for example, I believe I can talk on stage, or I believe I can do my job properly. I believe I can drive very well, whatever it might be, but it is what you believe you can do. That is what self-confidence is about. Now, self-worth is a different category, entirely self-worth is about what you believe you deserve. So confidence, what you believe you can do self-worth is what you believe you deserve. Now, that is a harder thing to consider because the moment we start considering what is it that I deserve, then we have a conflict between our head and our heart, and there is a discrepancy, by the way. It's almost like our head speaks German and our heart speaks French. So sometimes they don't communicate very well. But when we're thinking about our self-worth, our head might be able to logic our way to saying, but I do deserve things just as much as everybody else because I'm human. Everyone else is human. Why wouldn't I deserve the same? So logically we can rationalize what it is that we deserve. However, emotionally, that can sometimes be harder. In fact. I guarantee it's 99% harder for all of us, and that's because our vulnerabilities and our wounds, our past traumas, live with our emotions. And our emotions hold onto the trauma where we get questioned with regards to what it is that we deserve. For example, if you have had. An aggressive ex, or if you or current partner even, or if you have had a relationship where the person was inconsistent, one hand, they could be really, really nice, thoughtful, caring, loving. But then on the other hand, they're cold, they're argumentative, they are short. They're a bit snappy. Or you might end up getting into multiple arguments with them, or they might be very demanding. And this could be, by the way, a, a romantic relationship, or it could even be, you know, relationships that stem from your childhood. So with parents, with family members, with caregivers, with school, with um, peers, whoever it might be. But if you are having, or if you have had relationship dynamics where it was quite challenging at times and. You were unsure about yourself. You were unsure about your position. You were unsure what you needed to do to be safe, or to be held, or to be loved, or to be cared for, if those were your experiences. Then we also bring into question of what it is that you would've learned with regards to what you deserve. So let me break this down. Mentally, logically in your head, the part of you that speaks German that could rationalize that you deserve the same as everybody else because you are human the're, all human. Therefore, why would you deserve less? You are equal to everyone that we can understand on a logical level. We can also understand on a logical level that certain harmful. Relationship dynamics or toxic relationships or interactions where they were questionable, where you were treated inconsistently. We can also rationalize with our head that those relationship dynamics were not okay, that we didn't have our needs met, that we felt rejected, or we felt neglected. We can rationalize all of these things and we can also rationalize that that wasn't okay. Things should have been different mentally. We can get there, but emotionally, like I said, the trauma lives in the emotions, and so if we have had these challenging interactions and these relationship dynamics where we are being questioned, then we. Absorb that like a vacuum, and our emotions absorb that questioning like a vacuum, and they absorb it to believe it is true. So then we are questioning our selves with regards to what it is that we deserve, and our emotions sit in our nervous system. The trauma sits in our nervous system, and it constantly begs the question, well, do I actually deserve love? Do I deserve to be accepted just fundamentally the way that I am? Do I deserve to say this thing and be okay and be safe? Is that possible? I, is it, is it appropriate for me to do that? Or is it fully covered in shame? And if I do feel shame around that, then it would suggest that actually emotionally, I don't feel like I deserve these things. Or if I'm walking on eggshells and I am editing myself, I'm curating what it is that I'm sharing and maybe I'm hiding certain parts of myself because I don't want to cause drama. Um, but also I don't want to indirectly offend somebody, um, if I am constantly tiptoeing around certain subjects because I don't want that other person to reject me. Or I don't want that other person to become furious with me. Then we then questioning really. What it is that we deserve to show and not show and actually do. We deserve to have these parts of ourselves if these parts of ourselves are not accepted. And so rather than us kind of questioning actually, is this the right environment? Is this the right relationship? Is this the right situation that I need to be in? If I know fundamentally, I'm not gonna be accepted, if I'm gonna be rejected. So instead of us questioning the environment or the relationship, what we actually do is we. Internalize that questioning and we start questioning ourselves. Do I deserve to hold onto these parts of myself? Do I deserve to express this? Do I deserve to really have these goals, these ambitions? Do I deserve to have these desires that might not be aligned with this sort of person? Can I deserve that? Be safe, even if it's different to what my partner needs and wants? And the short answer is. Yes, you should have those things. You should be your authentic self, even if your authentic self is different to what your partner's authentic self is. By the way, it will always be different, but you should have that sense of security and that sense of stability on an emotional front, on a physiological front, and a nervous system front. You should have that sense of stability and that sense of comfort. For all of these things in order for you to really live a happy and healthy relationship. But you can only ever do that if you emotionally, not just mentally, but if you emotionally and physically really believe that you deserve. To be there fully as your authentic self. Because if there's a part of you that questions how much you deserve that from an emotional stance, that's game over because you will suppress, you will shut down, you will be editing, you will be walking on eggshells. And guess what? It all starts with you. And unfortunately, I've had a lot of people in the past. Uh hu approached me around this and they'll say, yeah, but my partner is the Bible and my partner does this. My partner does that, and I will say to you, okay, well if that's the case, you are still the person who's sitting there. You are hoping for them to change, but you are hoping for them to change by you editing yourself, meaning you are also not really in the relationship. And not only are you not in the relationship, you are also not taking the step of really sitting emotionally with your sense of deservedness that that actually you should have more. So this is really the difference between confidence. And self-worth. So confidence, what you believe you can do. Um, but self-worth is really what you believe you can deserve. And if you have one without the other, you are going to end up attracting bad partners. You are going to end up attracting horrendous relationships where it will break down, where there will be constant arguments where you will be editing yourself. Because if you are confident. Uh, but you don't feel like you are deserving of more or, you know, there's a question there in terms of your emotional sense of self-worth, then you'll be confident in that you'll show up and you'll do the things that you believe are expected of you to do. But that's it. You're doing the things that you believe you are expected to do. You are not necessarily doing the things that you feel that you deserve to have. They're two very different categories and. On the other hand, we, we, we need the self-worth, right? We need the self-worth so that we can express our authentic self so we can assess is this relationship really the one for me based on my authentic self? How does my partner feel about my authentic self and vice versa? So, so the self-worth is mandatory, and it's certainly from the space when we have our self-worth, then we can really even tap into growing our self-confidence because. Our self-worth also suggests that we are emotionally safe, that we are safe and we are grounded. We will be accepted, whatever happens, and from then our belief in our ability to do the hard thing grow. So our ability to have the hard conversation to, uh, resolve conflict or to resolve arguments in a healthy way so that we can thrive. When we have our foundation of self-worth, that's when the confidence really builds. But unfortunately, a lot of people work so hard on the confidence and they forget about self-worth believing that it's the same thing, whereas they are two very separate categories. And if we have confidence without self-worth, we will forever be overcompensating in relationships. We are overcompensating by doing more, by giving more because we believe we are capable of doing that. Uh, we are, we believe that we are capable of. Having the hard conversations of taking our partner to therapy, of trying to solve it, of trying to break the negative cycles. Like we believe that we are confident enough to be able to do that, but actually we end up driving so hard on the action front that is surface level, that we assume that is the thing that is expected of us, but it's not aligned. It's not aligned internally. And so you will be battling with yourself and in your head you will consider, but I'm doing all the right things. Right. I booked the therapy appointment like, what's up? Well, why is this not working? Um, or you might think, oh, okay, it is working a little bit. But then you'll notice it's limited. And the reason why it's limited is because you are literally battling with yourself. The other part of you that's inside that is insurers to whether or not you deserve it. And that's really why the discrepancy lies. So you know this, this is something that I heavily encourage people to take action on in terms of how it is that they're able to build their self-worth. But it really relies on our self-concept, and part of it is about resolving their. Traumas that we would've experienced, and we need to be able to resolve this on a mental, emotional, and nervous system level. And by the way, those things are a hundred percent possible. If you've struggled with it, please let me know because I would love to guide you. But that's absolutely crucial because we can't build self-worth. If trauma still exists in our body or in our mind, it, it, it just the, the two opposing forces. So we need to be able to resolve the trauma and then we need to also start rebuilding our sense of self. So this will really fit in with our sense of identity, the voice that we have towards ourselves. How is it that we're constantly speaking to ourselves that. Self-criticism that might come about. How do we deal with that, that self-compassion? How do we grow that? But also really considering what it is that we are manifesting for ourselves and for our future, because that is really where our worth will lie, and that is where our self-worth will be impacted. And this is. Something that I would say is absolutely profound regardless of what stage you're at in your relationship. So whether you are in a relationship with somebody or if you are single or if you are somewhere in between, uh, if you've got kids wherever you are, but this is where. The gold lies. It is really about working on your self-worth and there is so much that you can do to support and improve that. Um, I'll start off, uh, by saying that I don't like social media and ironically I'm kind of on social media as well, but, uh, so the reason why. I'm not the biggest fan of social media is because I know unfortunately there is a lot of inappropriate advice out there that is not based on real science, that is a 20 something year old, um, talking about advice that they would've seen on TikTok, for example. And um, by the way, I'm not here to bad mouth anybody, but. Uh, you know what's really important is that if you are looking to doing this work, please seek guidance from someone who's an expert, who's a professional in this field, because you deserve to receive real lasting supports as opposed to something that's tokenistic that is. A five minute conversation and then we're done. And I would love to hear your thoughts on this. So if you enjoyed this episode, please consider subscribing and sharing it with a friend because if you found a useful, I bet you one of them will be too. Until next time, take takeout.