Do You Freeze Your Eggs? IVF Donation, Risk, Failures, Single Motherhood, Marriage, and It All Starts With You!

We dive into the rising trend of egg freezing, IVF, and egg donation, why more women are postponing motherhood, and the hidden emotional and psychological costs behind these choices. Dr. Sarah breaks down the impact of attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, or secure—on dating, long-term relationships, and parenting.

You’ll hear why simply focusing on “red flags” or over-negotiating in relationships keeps many women stuck in harmful cycles, leading to emotional burnout, hyper-independence, and even single parenthood. More importantly, Dr. Sarah shares how to shift from anxiety or avoidance into secure attachment, rebuild self-worth, and attract the right partner for a healthy marriage and family life.

Whether you’re a high-achieving professional, entrepreneur, or CEO trying to “do it all,” this conversation offers clarity on navigating love, fertility decisions, and building a secure, lasting partnership.

egg freezing, IVF, egg donation, self-worth, attachment styles, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, secure relationships, harmful relationship cycles, marriage problems, women in their 30s and 40s, high-achieving women, dating red flags, building healthy relationships, relationship psychologist, single parenthood, fertility and relationships.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back my friends. If you dunno who I am. I am an award-winning relationship psychologist, helping women end harmful relationships and building self-worth lead and don't bleed in both your personal and professional life. So let's get to it because today we are discussing arguably one of the hardest decisions a woman has to face. I'm talking about the woman who is in their thirties. Late thirties, maybe early forties, and you have worked relentlessly hard to build the life that you want to have, and you are psychologically minded. You are aware of red flags. You have read the psychology books. You have followed podcasts like this one. You have done the therapy work and you are well aware of relationship patterns. You have started to work on your attachment style, whether it be anxious, avoidant, fearful, and you are really trying to build yourself up for success. But here's the problem. Who do you do it with? You've become so aware of harmful relationship cycles and you don't want to enter another one again. You are wanting to build a life with a happy, fulfilling marriage, something that is really going to help you thrive. You are wanting to have kids and to be able to raise them in a nurturing environment, and you are wanting to do that without sacrificing your soul. But what do you do? How do you find that person? How do you really go about this relationship and how do you really go about having kids? And the biggest problem that we are facing is, do we freeze our eggs? Do we, and I've got some statistics here that I really want to share with you just to show you how much of a problem this has become. So women in their late thirties, between 36 and 40. In 2019, there has been 2,600 women in the UK who froze their eggs, and that doubled in just three years to 2,600 in the year 2022. And by the way, this rate has also increased in countries like the US and other places in Europe. So for example, in the US in 2023, there was. 40, that's four zero thousand women who froze their eggs. And compared to years prior, where the year before it was 36,000 and the year before that it was 32,000. So we can see there is an increase in women who are willing to go ahead and pay that massive bill. The 10 K, the 20 k, however much it is. To freeze their eggs in the hope that somewhere down the line they will meet Mr. Wright and they will be able to have children with this individual, with those eggs that they've frozen. And not only that, there has also been an increase in women who are opting to have egg donors, and they're going through IVF through egg donation. And so the rates on that has actually tripled. So in the past 10 years. There has been a triple number of women who are using donor eggs, and that is simply because women are having children at a later stage in life. And by the way, I'm not judging here, women who are having children at a later stage in life. It makes absolute sense, right? Because it is a problem. You are wanting to have children with the right individual. You are not wanting to set yourself up for failure. You have learned lessons of the past. Maybe you've seen your parents engaging in a trauma relationship with one another, that neither of them were happy and actually their traumas bled out onto you and you are no longer wanting to pass that generational trauma. So what do you do? You wait and you are hoping to find Mr. Wright, the person who will actually complete you, who will be the right fit for you and for the children. You are not just choosing a partner for you, but you are choosing the father of your children, the future children, right? And so it makes sense that women are postponing when they are having children because they are wanting to do it with the right person. And that makes perfect sense and I'm all up for that. But we are left in a state with. Who do we do it with? Like, what do we do here? And that can become really problematic. So. Even with the number of people who are freezing their eggs, what they may or may not realize that actually the success rates of them are very, very low. They're still freezing their eggs even though there is only 20% success rate with those frozen eggs. And they're still going through that journey simply because they're stuck in the now. They dunno what to do. And especially with a lot of my clients who are either business owners or the CEOs, or they're entrepreneurs and they're so busy, their life is so full. And they're trying to do it all. They're trying to wake up early, meditate, go to the gym, go to work, manage their staff, and they're trying to come home and be really connected with their friends and their family. And they're trying to do all these things. And they're going out on dates here and there, the travel, uh, because of work, all because of pleasure, whatever it is. But, but they're essentially trying to do it all and they have got a jam packed diary. When do you have time to filter for the right person? Like when do you have time for that? And also, it's incredibly difficult because not only do you have to date somebody, you also have to filter them. You also have to try and figure out, is it me? Is it you? Am I just not giving this enough time? Am I being too impatient or am I being overly patient? Are there certain red flags that I'm not really watching out for? For these pink flags that are going to turn green. There are so many questions and all of that becomes really confusing, so it makes sense why freezing your eggs would actually be a really good and really easy option. Why wouldn't you? It makes perfect sense, but here is the issue. We are entering a realm where we are actually believing that we're not going to find somebody. Or not find somebody right now. And so we are becoming hyper independent. Women are becoming hyper independent for the very fact that you are looking to freeze your eggs or to look for IVF donation, then that shows that actually you are willing to do it on your own. And even if we were to look at the statistics of single parents, there has been a substantial increase in women who are becoming single parents. And you know, some people argue, well, actually, historically women just didn't have the means to leave. Their marriage, they didn't have financial independence like they do now. And so therefore it's an option. And so, you know, hooray for women. Um, all look for financial independence by the way. I think that's really important, but. The problem that we are then facing is that many more women are actually becoming single parents, and partly because of how the court systems are set up in that women are always favored and actually just in terms of how society is set up, that women end up carrying the burden, the burden for everything, right? And so what ends up happening is that actually what we know from today's date is that out of all the single parents. 80% are women, 80% of single parents are women. And you could argue, well, hey, where's the man at? Um, that is really the rate of people who are full-time single parents. So full-time single parents. 80% of them are women. And actually when that happens, we then have a greater level of tension in the family household. We have greater issues in terms of mental health problem, greater issues in terms of wellbeing because of the level of strain and stress and burden. Uh, we've got much, much more issues in terms of financial strains as well. And so everything becomes a lot more challenging. So. What do we do now? How do we even navigate the situation? Well, it really starts off with what are we doing now? To really try and build a successful life with somebody. What are we doing right now to try and find that person that we are able to build a happy and healthy marriage and a happy and healthy family with? Because you don't necessarily just meet somebody and it's a happily ever after, after the first day, after the first month or first year, but actually. There has to be a process behind it, and if there is so much else going on in life, you may then start to question, well, actually I don't want to risk everything else. But I also know that I do want to be a parent. I do want to have a family of my own. I do want to be married, and I do want to have that person who's always got my back and I've got their back. I do want a partnership. But how do you do it, right? Because in that, in that framework, you are literally talking about competing demands. On one hand, you are really wanting this life with somebody, Mr. Wright, whoever that person is, but on the other hand. You also have this life that you've worked so hard to build up. And so that has taken you away from really considering what a true healthy relationship looks like. And here is one of the biggest problems that I see with many, many people, uh, including people who I've met who've then become clients, but also unfortunately some of the really harmful messages on social media. Or I would actually say. The half messages on social media, right? Because the things that are on social media that get a lot of views are the things that are punchy. Um, and they make sense, but they don't really tell you the full story, right? Because nobody wants to hear the full story because it's not as punchy is half the story. So unfortunately, what happens. Is that there are a lot of messages out there that, um, like I said, people who, uh, came to me who are now clients, what they previously used to believe is, well, if I just really watch out for these red flags, then I'll be okay. Because I can go on on some dates, watch out for the red flags. If I see a red flag, then I just don't go further. Right? And there are so many messages out there in terms of what the red flags are. And then there are also lots of messages out there in terms of, well, how do you communicate with somebody? How do you build up boundaries? How do you really try and negotiate? How do you try and get seen? How do you know that they really love you versus they're just giving you attention? Like how do you know these kinds of things? And as much as. Those pieces of information are helpful. Like it is helpful to know what red flags are, and it is helpful to know what a boundary is, and it is helpful to know that communication is important and how to go about that as much as those things are. Helpful. I would actually consider that these are really surface level things, because what ends up happening is that people recognize what a red flag is and you know, they might have it on a list right here. And so when they go out on a date and or several dates and when they see somebody, and there is a. Flag, they immediately say, Hmm, Siara, I've got my dating app here, and I can go on and have a look at other people, and it's totally fine. And what actually happens is that we then filter through so many people, but we never actually end up with somebody. We never work into a relationship with somebody. We never build anything with anyone because we're immediately drawn to the red flag. And we just take that as an absolute no. On the other hand, we also have some people where they really follow the scripture of it's important for you to communicate and it's really important for you to share your needs. And it's really important for you to be able to negotiate and figure out a middle ground and to really be compatible with one another. And what is it that you are bringing to the table as much as what they're bringing, and you know when you are really entering that realm. The problem, the extreme of that is that it suggests you should always be negotiating. And again, social media, the way that the algorithm works is that anything that is on the extreme end, that is the thing that's going to get more views, and that is the thing that is going to get more promoted. And that's the thing that you are going to believe more. So what ends up happening with the people who are following those messages is that they. Enter a relationship. They start dating. They see somebody and they think, Ooh, okay, maybe this is something that I need to negotiate. Maybe this is something that we need to collaborate on. Maybe, you know, I need to just give a little bit more. I need to be a bit more patient. I need to be a bit more considerate. I need to speak more, more, more, more, more, more. And guess what? It becomes an endless negotiation of your worth. It becomes an endless. Conversation about what it is that you need, and it becomes an endless conversation about how it is that you are wanting this relationship to look like. And so you are in a relationship, but you are not necessarily satisfied. Actually, what happens is that you enter a relationship where you are essentially parenting somebody to be in a relationship with you. You are trying to be their teacher as opposed to being their partner and really assessing, is this really complimentary? And so we are actually having a massive divergence of attachment styles. That's ultimately what happens, is that the people who are so acutely focused on the red flags, they just check out. We are really creating more and more avoidance, even though it might be packaged as, oh, the empowered woman, well, guess what? It is not. You are actually just avoiding. Real conversations and it's actually starting to integrate and reflect back into you in terms of your personal attachment style. Because what happens is that however it is that we behave outwardly, is really a mirror of what's happening inside of us. So if we have zero tolerance to any red flag, then actually we have zero tolerance to seeing. And questioning, is this red flag really a red flag or is it more of a pink flag that I am just not on board with? But also we have zero tolerance to considering actually, is this individual really nice? Is there something that's workable here? Do we really have the shared same, uh, values, the shared. Uh, goals in life? Are we really complimentary? But you know, there's this thing that maybe if we negotiate, then actually it'll be okay. Like we, we forget about all of that because we are actually reinforcing avoidance. That is what the focus on the red flags ends up doing, and that is incredibly harmful because guess what? If you're avoidant. You are going to be much more likely to be a single parent. If you are ever going to go into parenthood, you will be the individual who is looking for an IVF donor, and you will be the individual who is freezing your egg. Whether or not it's successful, I don't know, but you will become that person and E, even if you enter, enter a relationship with somebody and you end up having kids with them, I can almost guarantee. You are going to become a single parent at the end of it, or you are going to cycle through relationships. And by the way, that is not going to be healthy for you or for your child because if you're avoidant, guess what Your child also ends up having. Emotional needs that are neglected. And by the way, that doesn't mean that you are intending to be neglectful. Um, but it actually bleeds out. And that's simply because your tolerance for the red flags, uh, is just so, so low. And so there is just no scope. So that low tolerance also shows there is low tolerance for emotional discomfort. Which, guess what? If you have kids, your kids are also going to have a low level of emotional discomfort, and they are going to start regulating their emotions in really unhealthy way, in ways that are suppressive. So this is ultimately what's going on. So that's really the first camp and the second camp where you are constantly negotiating and you have absolutely no bounds or no boundaries, or no limits, because. You've never been taught what a limit is. And actually the only thing that you are observing and seeing and believing is as long as we talk about it, it will be okay, well actually you'll never be seen. And you'll be spending your entire life negotiating to be seen, to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be valued, to be accepted. And so if you're spending all of that time negotiating over your worth. Then we've got a massive problem because then if you do have children, guess what? You will be carrying the burden of everything and you are actually going to end up enter an anxious state and your partner is going to be more avoidant and. It all ends up being with you. It all starts with you because however you are, that is the type of partner that you will attract. If you are leaning to the avoidance, guess what? You are going to be attracting someone who's anxious or you are just going to be rejecting everybody. But if you are entering more the anxious state, you are going to be attracting anyone who's avoidant. And you will never feel valued. You will be constantly giving and providing and doing everything for everybody, and you are going to be that resentful mom. You are going to end up being that mom that people make jokes about that there are means. Out there about, and believe me as a mom, I will hands down argue this till the end of the world that being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Being a present mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It is incredibly rewarding and it is so beautiful, but it is incredibly difficult as well because you don't get a day off. If you don't get sick leave, you don't get annual leave. You have to be there at all times. You have to be the entertainer. You have to be the chauffeur. You have to be the chef. You have to be the cleaner. You have to be everything under the sun at the same time with a smile on your face, and give ample love and have ample patience, right? Like you have to be that person and you have to be a teacher as well. And somehow within all of that, you just have to survive. Right, like you just have to model what's healthy. Like you just have to get a shower and you know, get dressed and look presentable and whatever else. But the thing is, is that being a mom is hard enough anyway as it is. And if you are entering either the avoidance or the anxious and then you end up freezing your eggs or opting for IVF donors. Then you are just multiplying that challenge. And so what ends up happening is you either go down that process and for whatever reason, you don't have children, whether it be just unsuccessful or whether it be that you just don't use those eggs or you do have kids. But you've got a much bigger challenge on your hands, and you are really fighting hard to be that empowered woman. You know the woman who can do it all and who's got this kid on your side and you've got the career and you've got the friends, and you've got whatever else it is, but you are going to be hanging by a threat. It is incredibly difficult and so. You really need to work on yourself. This is really a message that I'm urging for anyone where this resonates is that the way that you really do this is that you have to enter that mode of security. You have to enter that mode of stability because. However it is that you operate internally, when you really start building that self-worth, that that self-worth is truly infinite at your core, and you are so certain in it, you are so secure in yourself. That is really when the game changes, and that is really when you get massive clarity. On your relationships, and that is really when you can start to attract and man, manifest the right partner. Because believe me, whatever partner it is that you have attracted, if you've attracted anybody, that is a manifestation of your internal working, everything is manifested, absolutely everything is manifested, and it is your own creation. So if you are wanting to create a happy and healthy relationship. It is really down to you to start working on yourself and really creating that security and that stability, and it really starts with your worth because that is when the game changes. And by the way, if you are wanting to, uh. Shortcut this. If you are really wanting a fast track to this, please reach out because this is something that I work with day in and day out with people, and we shift from being anxious or being avoidant to being secure and in a happy and healthy relationships in three months. So it can be done and it can be done fast, but you really need guidance. You really need a blueprint. I hate to say it, but you know, I get messages from people who say that they have been following different Instagram, uh. Did I like what, what to call them influencers, right? Let's say that, um, and they've been following different, um, you know, platforms and different people who are talking about this thing, and they're almost like guessing online therapy, uh, which is like, you know, great that there's lots of information out there to make it accessible for some people. But if that is all that you are doing, believe me, your journey is going to be a hell of a lot longer than what it needs to be. And then the question is, well, like how long have you got to wait? Right, like how long have you got really? Um, because the more that you wait, believe me, the bigger of a problem This is going to be if you are really wanting to have kids, if you are really wanting to have a fulfilling marriage with somebody and you are wanting a family of your own. If any of this resonates with you, please do get in touch. My details are in the show notes below, and until next time, take care of yourself.