Getting Over A Break Up

Transcript

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Hello, my friends. Welcome back to this episode. If you dunno who I am, I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning relationship psychologist, helping incredible, high achieving women. Have happy and healthy relationships. Let's get started. How do you get over a breakup? And we've all been heartbroken. We have all dated somebody who we thought we'd go the distance and actually we end up with a loss of heartbreak. Or it might be that you even started dating somebody for a couple of weeks and all of a sudden they've started ghosting you. And you know, objectively it didn't even go that far. But you just feel heartbroken. You are hooked onto somebody. And you don't know how to get over this particular person. And even though socially it's acceptable for you to be heartbroken over somebody that you have been married to, that you have had a very long relationship with, somehow it doesn't feel as socially acceptable for you to be heartbroken over somebody who you've just been with for a few dates or a few weeks, couple of months. But the truth is, is that heartbreak. Hurts and we need to learn how that we can move past it. So why does heartbreak physically hurt? Well, actually we have the same biological physiological response as we do with loss. So when we are losing somebody, when we are grieving somebody, when we are literally going through a. Physical loss, bereavement. Our body undergoes this process where we are in shock. We are in denial. We have a whole heap of stress hormones that get released into our system. Our cortisol and our stress levels are really elevated, But also from a neurological standpoint, the parts of our brain that are associated with shock, with threat, with stress all become really, really activated. And so the response that we would have to a physical loss or grieving or bereavement of somebody. It's the same when we experience heartbreak and we literally feel it in our body. And this is the reason why your body then literally starts to shut down. You feel pains in your chest, you feel pains in your stomach, you have a headache. It's hard to sleep, and that's because your body is literally undergoing that process. The process where you are in stress mode, where you are experiencing a loss. Where there is. A huge level of threat and your body does receive it as a trauma that does get imprinted in your nervous system and your body is fully activated and in distress. So it's really important that we understand that there is a real physiological basis to you This, this isn't made up, this isn't in your head. You're not imagining things, but this is the reason why it hurts so much. It is because you are literally undergoing a loss and maybe you are not. Uh, losing somebody as in, as somebody who's passing. But actually, if you are losing a relationship, it is a form of grief. It is a form of bereavement because that person took up a space in your life. They took up a space in your mind, and all of a sudden you've got space there. Without that person, all of a sudden, mentally, that person who moved into your head has moved out, even though you've decorated that room for them and that room still has their name on the door, that actually you have preserved that space inside of your mind, inside of your soul, and they are no longer there. So it can be really, really confusing as well from a physiological basis because you are experiencing dopamine. You're experiencing this bond with this person. But you are also coupling it with a high level of stress as well, and withdrawal. And so you go through these different stages. Now, let me break this down. Stage one, when there is a breakup, there is going to be shock and there's going to be denial. So whichever way it goes, whether you are the person who's breaking up with your partner, or you are the one who's being broken up with. There will be shock and there will be shock simply because we are changing the status quo. And you know, our brain loves familiarity. Our brain loves routine. Whoever you are, even if you are somebody who's really into adventure, your brain will still love predictability. And that's because that's how we're wired the moment that we have something that is unpredictable. That is when we enter the fight or flight response, that is when our sympathetic nervous system gets activated. So that's something really important for us to watch out for, but essentially that shock. Is real, regardless of which side of the equation you are on, and that there will also be this element of denial. Denial of either the breakup happening and so you are mentally living in a space as if it is still continuing, if it's still there. Or you'll be in denial as to how important that relationship was for you. So let's say if you have only been dating for a brief period of time, for a few months, few weeks, whatever it might be, and you feel like it's socially unacceptable for you to be that upset about it, then you might be in denial. And pretending like actually it's not a big deal, and you don't really show it or expose it to anybody else, even though mentally you cannot stop thinking about them. And you are constantly in that space and physiologically you are in shock. Second stage is that you then enter withdrawal and rumination. This is really when you start to withdraw from your people, from your friends, from your family, from work. Like you're still doing all of the functional stuff. You're still showing up. You're turning up. But mentally, emotionally, you're just really not that invested and you don't want to be invested because actually you lose meaning in everything. It just doesn't feel that fulfilling. It doesn't feel that wonderful or that joyful, and you are just wanting to become a lot more recluse. But also it's partly physiological as well, because if your body is undergoing all of these different changes, if it's constantly being activated by the fight or flight response. Then you will be exhausted physically and you won't have that much energy to do the happy things or to engage in ways that you once did. And not only that, you will be ruminating. So our brains and our nervous system have this phenomenon where we constantly try to solve. The problem of open spaces. So what do I mean by that? Well, the brain loves closed loops. If we start off a story, we have to end that story. There has to be some kind of closure. So if I said to you, start middle and. I stop right there in your mind, you would say and end right. Start middle and end. That's just a brief example of how our brain loves to have a closed loop. So we have to seek out what is the finality of any story that begins, or any event, any situation, any circumstance that is presented to us. Or another example is if I say to you, well, I don't know who needs to hear this, but. And I stop right there. Well, I've started a story, I've started a loop, like I've opened up a loop, but I've not closed it. And so then you might be there wondering, well, what is, what was the rest of that sentence? It's really infuriating, right? And by the way, I don't have an ending for that sentence, it's just illustrates point. But, but, but thing is, is that if you have been dating somebody where you feel like there are a lot of unanswered questions. You are going to be ruminating more and more. So whether it be somebody who you were really into and everything seemed so happy, so joyful, and they seemed to be really into you. They were messaging you a lot and there was a lot of great connection. Sex was amazing, like all of these different things, but then all of a sudden you just didn't hear from them. They ghosted you. And let's say this is somebody you've been dating for a brief period of time, or you know, you wanted to express. Your love to them, but then all of a sudden they vacated. Or let's say if you were married, you've been together for years, and all of a sudden that relationship ends. There will be a lot of questions that come up, and those questions are things that you are going to be ruminating over because they are unanswered. It's almost like you've just opened the door and there is no closure. And the process of ruminating the fact that you are thinking this over and over again is essentially you. Trying to figure out a solution to this. You are trying to figure out what is this? Like, what is the ending to this? How is it that I can solve this problem? Essentially, rumination is trying to solve the problem, but it's for a problem that's already happened. And it's already had an ending. So as much as your brain will want closure, actually the closure has to come from you. It has to come from you finding certainty inside of yourself that this cannot work. However it is that you come about that, and that's really how we deal with that part and how we cope with it. So what we do in this stage is when we are experiencing withdrawal and when we're experiencing rumination, we need to, uh, deal with them in, in very different ways. So I'm, I'm gonna break this down a little bit just to explain it further. So, if you are ruminating, if you are finding yourself thinking about your partner or your ex-partner again and again and again, but you are really wanting closure and you just can't. Figure your way there, then sure, you can have a conversation with them if you want or if they're open to it. But actually that might not necessarily give you the closure that you are needing or that you are looking for. So the closure really has to come from inside of yourself. So what does that look like? Well, it's really about recognizing what it is that you are certain of, even in a landscape where it feels really uncertain. So you may be really certain of you not wanting to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you, right? That might be something that you are certain of. Even if you are not certain about why it is that they don't want to be with you, you might be really certain that you want to be loved just the way that you are. Even though you're not certain of how you got loved in that relationship, you might be really certain that you want somebody who is respectful, who is committed, who is trustworthy, who is, uh, really honest. That's something that you might be certain of, even though you might be uncertain about what it was that happened in the relationship, whether there was betrayal, whether there was infidelity, whether there was something that you just didn't know about, whether there were things that were hidden, but whatever it might be, you need to direct yourself to what you are certain of and, and usually what you are certain of will be the opposite or the mirror. Opposite of what it is that you are experiencing that question over. So a couple of techniques is that you ask yourself, what is it that I'm really looking for? And so it might be, I'm really looking to know whether or not I mattered. Okay. And if that's the case, then what can you be certain of? So the certainty is the mirror image of that. So the certainty would be, I am certain that I want to know that I matter. And that's something that's really important for you to ha hold onto. Because the more that you can hold onto all of these things that you are certain of, the more that you can start to let go of the things that. I no longer serve you all of these questions because actually you can start to work with the parts that you are certain with. That's this part that you can then start to move forward with, and that's really going to set you up for a healthy foundation of your future relationship because you know what it was that you didn't like. You know what it was that you were uncertain of in this past relationship, but you are also aware of what it is that you are certain of and what it is that you are wanting, and you use that to carry you. Forward. So that's essential. And when you are dealing with the element of withdrawal. What I would highly recommend that you start considering is, how is this impacting my identity and my self-esteem? Now, often when we are withdrawing, we might be withdrawing because we feel exhausted. Our body has gone through it all, and we just need to lie down. We just need to sleep. We just need to replenish from a fiscal standpoint, and that's absolutely fine. But more often than not. One of the biggest tragedies of a breakup is that we actually get really shaken in terms of our sense of self, our identity, who we are, and our self-esteem. So it's really about recognizing. What was it that made me happy? Really digging in who am I at my core? What is it that I value? What is my opinion on certain things? What is it that I hold true, that I hold dear to my life, to myself? What is it that is. Crucial for me, and the more that we are able to hold onto that, the moment that we are able to dig deep into our value system. So whether it be values, in terms of charitable giving, in terms of family, in terms of friendship, in terms of honesty, in terms of transparency, in terms of adventure. Travel, health, wellbeing, whatever it is. But the things that we really value, the more that we are able to lean into those things, that is really when we can start to rebuild ourselves again. And when we start to discover that we are whole, and we may forgotten ourselves during the process of this relationship and during the process of this breakup, that actually we might have lost touch of our own sense of self. But this is a time that we start to reconnect with our sense of self, and that might be through contact with other people, with friends and family, or it might be just being on our own and doing the things that we feel is nurturing, not just for our mind or our body, but also for our soul and wellbeing. Okay. Now that we've spoken about that, I also want to run through some practical healing tools. So there are a few different things. There are three things really that I wanted to talk about and really distinguish the, uh, differences between these things. And these are really tools for you to consider just as good practice when you are going through a breakup. Now the first one is. Understanding the difference between no contact and conscious closure. And often I'll hear people talking about, well, you have to go no, no contact. You have to go no contact. And as much as I understand that, and I would agree to it to a certain extent. There's, there's a real difference because if you are going no contact, it doesn't necessarily mean that they vacated your head. They're still living somewhere inside of your brain rent-free. So you have to do that work to begin with. But if you are really trying to figure out what is going on here and if you are going crazy, ruminating, and really trying to find that closure. And as much as you can find closure inside of yourself, and that's something that I would highly recommend. But if you are really struggling to be able to connect to that, then you can have something called conscious closure. So conscious closure is when you are very, very clear about what it is that you are wanting to get closure for. And so I would recommend that you do it in this way. Where you have had no contact for a sufficient period of time. So for a few months, and I would actually say a period of a minimum of three months, but if you've had no contact for a minimum of three months, and then there is still some unanswered questions that you are looking to. Answer, then be very, very clear. Be very specific about what it is that you are wanting, answering, and you only go forward with that nothing more. So you don't start adding on a load of other questions while you're seeing them, but you literally just go in with the original question that you had in mind. But I also want you to ask yourself, well actually, would it make any difference if they did give me that response? What difference would it make because would I still be with this person or not? It's too far gone for me to reconsider this or for this thing to be reignited. So again, even if you are going for conscious closure, I would then also start to consider, well actually what benefit would you be gaining from this? Because actually the closure really should be inside of you. But that's just something for you to consider. And I suppose it's just, um. Problem solving for you if you have been in this situation. Second thing is really recognizing your dopamine detox and social reconnection. Because actually when you have been through, uh, all that stressful period of a breakup with somebody, there will be a moment when you are wanting to just have that dopamine hit. So whether it be that you go out drinking, partying, whether it be that you go out on some kind of crazy, wild adventures. All of these things will feel very tempting because you will get a dopamine hit. But actually what you are doing there is you are swapping intensity for long lasting stability in terms of your emotional wellbeing. So I would opt for social reconnection, actually identify who are the safe people in your life, who are the stable and emotionally intelligent people in your life, and they are the people that you lean more into. And finally really start to journal and. Uh, reflect every single day. Spend five to 15 minutes every single day, just really being mindful over your own state, over how it is that you are feeling that moment, that day, but also how it is that you are feeling about yourself. Do you feel like you have gained more certainty over yourself and what it is that you need? And what it is that you want, and the more that you can lean into that, then actually the more that you can start to disconnect and start to detach from that old relationship because you start to recognize, well, this is what I need, this is what I want, and actually what I had was misaligned, and that's okay. I learnt what I needed and what I want from that misaligned experience. If you have found anything that we've spoken about today helpful, then please share it with a friend or a family member because I bet you they will find it helpful too. And if anything here has resonated and you are wanting help, please get in touch. Until next time, take care of yourself.