Time to talk about the mental load of motherhood

In this episode we explore the "mental load" of motherhood. I delve into the challenges faced by mothers who juggle various responsibilities and tasks.  I discuss the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers to be "Supermums," leading to feelings of failure, burnout, and exhaustion. I explore the origins of the mental load, citing modern advantages alongside disadvantages like isolation due to extended family distances and lack of affordable childcare options. The societal shift towards later parenthood and diminishing support from older generations further compounds the mental load. I discuss the historical role of women in adapting to societal demands and the importance of trusting partners and sharing responsibilities. I provide practical strategies to communicate and divide household tasks with partners, emphasizing that change takes time and effort. I will then be encouraging you to reframe guilt, involve children in tasks, and support one another in navigating the complex landscape of a motherhood's mental load.

Here are the highlights:

(1:19) What is the mental load? 
(5:00) Women are the family support system
(08:33) Barrier to asking for help 
(10:03) The illusion of supermum
(14:09) The mental load mantra
(17:12) Reframing guilt around delegating

The Mental Load Mantra

I trust myself
I trust my partner
I will allow them the chance to learn this information
I will allow them the chance to help me carry this
I do not need to carry this alone
We can share it

Transcript

Hello. 

Welcome to this week's episode. Time to talk about the mental load of motherhood. As mums, we're often juggling a lot of different things all at once. It's often referred to as spinning plates. Like we are circus performers who have learnt a magic skill. That means we can do multiple things at once and we can dazzle everyone and earn the magic title of Supermum, a special title. But it can make us feel like failures, especially when we can't live up to the unrealistic expectations that it suggests. And in trying to put on this show and keep all the plates spinning, we can actually be left feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and totally exhausted, both physically and mentally.

So what exactly is this mental load? Where did it come from? Who gave it to us to carry? Our modern world is so full of advantages and ways to make our lives easier. From the technology that helps us connect with each other and lets us order our food shopping online to gadgets in the home that make jobs like cooking or laundry quicker. Previous generations would be so thankful for super fast cycles on a washing machine, for robot hoovers or the magic of a steam iron. All these things helping us do things quicker and more efficiently. But even though some areas of home life have advanced for the better, in other ways, we are still at a disadvantage. Okay, we've got smaller family units with grandparents or aunts and uncles living further away. We live in bigger houses with bigger gardens that are more work to maintain and they can isolate us from neighbors and feeling part of a community because we are essentially in our own little bubbles. The lack of childcare options and the costs involved now mean that it's actually often the case that it's not worth mum's time to return to employment, even if she really wants to, because her wage just goes to cover the childcare costs. Even when the children reach school age, the timings don't align with normal working hours. And then there's the holidays to take into account as well. 

Another point that I want to touch on as well is that we are waiting till later in life to potentially start our families. And so the ages of our parents and our grandparents are older. And so for me in particular, I've come to have my children and now there isn't the grandparents there to help and to support me and to give me the advice, to listen to me, to advise on what I should do in certain situations. That whole generation of support and information, if it is around, it's generally further away and we maybe aren't able to access it in the same supportive way or it might actually be gone as well completely. Which means that we are doing this essentially alone and that just makes it so much harder.

For some women. It can actually be a case that we are having to take care of our parents and help out with that level of care. So we're doing double the caretaking. We're not just taking care of our children and our husbands and our homes and families, we are also taking care of our parents and the needs that they're having. As people live longer, they are suffering from illnesses that we haven't maybe had to deal with. Things like dementia and things like that which are just heartbreaking because not only are you losing them, you're then having to take care of them as well and they're not able to support you. For us as women, the society that we live in is set up to work for men and in order for men to be able to live on the terms that suit them, it falls to us women to adapt, to be flexible and to figure out a way to make it work. When it comes to family life and taking care of the home and the children, there has never been a generation where women don't work, okay? We've always worked and we've worked extremely hard at that.

We simply just didn't get paid for it. And even now we don't get paid for it. There isn't a salary for a mum. But when you look at the job description and you list all of the things that we do on a daily basis as a mum you'd get no holidays, no sick pay. I mean, who would take on that job willingly for no salary? It just wouldn't happen. And to my mums that do manage to work, I am unbelievably impressed and awed at your determination and ability to juggle it all and find a way to make it work. My wish for you is that you were more supported, more appreciated and definitely more respected for what you were trying to do. You are doing the impossible of doing everything. It is impossible.

Sadly, whatever our situation, our current society relies on women being the ones to take on the responsibilities when the support system fails, if a partner is sick, if our kids are sick, if the school is closed, the pet needs to be taken to the vet, our childcare arrangements fall through. It's always on us mums that have to make life work. We have to drop whatever we're meant to be doing and we have to sort it out. Okay? This happens a lot in our day to day life when the children need or want something. It's us that they come to. We're the first point of call. We are the preferred person in their life that they come to and ask for help, okay? Or to get something for them or to help them do something.

It's always on us, isn't it? Mum, mum. Mum. They don't actually call up for dad, do they? Very rarely. We are often the ones to even see what needs to be done before it's an issue. And sadly, it means that our capacity to do things becomes full. We no longer have that time and the energy or the thought left for ourselves, for our wants, for our needs. It all falls to the bottom of the to do list. And actually, it falls off it.

Our needs and our self care are not even taken care of. I think that the COVID pandemic really highlighted just how important us mums are. We hold everything together and it has just become expected. And it's the normal way of living. We're meant to be able to love and treasure and enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. But how can we do that? How can we do that when it's too much for anyone to deal with and handle? We're sold this idea of motherhood. The adorable baby pictures, the happy, smiling mums, the magazines that we read, the TV shows and the films that we watch, all of it highlights the good moments, okay? They very rarely tell the other side of the story. The lack of sleep, the daily battles and the tantrums, the endless thankless, repetitive daily tasks.

We're not allowed to be anything but happy and grateful for this wonderful gift of motherhood. Okay? After all, we chose it. We wanted it, we planned for it, even. But we didn't know, did we? We didn't know what it was that we were signing up to. Because no one tells you the truth. No one tells you the reality of what you're signing up to. And I do believe this is changing. Okay? I think that the more women share their stories and their truths and the experiences that they're having, the better it's going to get.

But right now, it feels like this is happening once we already start our motherhood journey and we're in it and we're in the trenches, we're sharing these stories, the women who have yet to join us have no idea what's coming. And as with anything, hindsight is a frustrating and painful truth to accept. How do you feel when you get the offer of help? Okay, so if a family member or friend says, oh, we could take the kids out for you for the day, or maybe I can come and give you a night off and you go away somewhere or maybe even something nice like offering to do your food shopping for you. That's something that happens quite a lot when you have a new baby. People say, Well, I'll do your grocery shopping for you or I'll come and sort out your laundry or things like that or do some cooking for you. Your immediate thought might be, oh yeah, great, that would be lovely. But then you realize all of the effort involved in how do you have to explain everything? There's so much information that's stored inside your head, everything that is in your head. All those routines, all that information about the home where everything is and what everyone likes and the schedule that everyone has for eating, for sleeping, for everything, the partner, the kids, your pets, all of it is what's known as the mental load.

You're this boss, you're this manager, you're the super mum that makes everything run smoothly. And by being the main carer, you're the one that then has to keep on top of it all. Okay? It is too much. And the extra energy and effort that it would take to pass on this huge amount of knowledge that you're carrying around, it becomes this barrier to asking for help. It's much easier for you just to do it yourself. Even with instruction, other people won't be able to do it the same way. And so I want you to realize that this isn't something that you've been given or you've taken on and chosen. It's not your fault.

From the moment we decide to get into a relationship, from the very beginning of creating a home and building a life with a partner, we start to take on this load first. It's not huge, it's small. It might just be we're going to get the food shopping in and then maybe we start doing the cooking and taking care of the home. Naturally, we want to make our homes feel and look nice. So we plan the decorating and the furniture and maybe nice new bedding and then just even that in itself. There's a lot of online searching and research that goes into things, isn't there? We go through so much online searching and looking through magazines and we get things that we like and then we show that favorite selection to our partners and they then decide, oh, I like that one or this one. And you pick it together. But really you've done the bulk of the research yourself and you've kind of steered them where you want to go.


That illusion is already starting. The superwoman is starting to be created. Next, we might plan a wedding. That's a huge job. All that that entails. By the time we decide to start a family and have a baby, we're naturally the ones that then start to do all that research. We take the vitamins, we start to monitor our cycles, we buy the pregnancy test. And then when we do get pregnant, we're reading the baby books, we're writing and planning our birth plan.

We're packing our hospital bags, we're making new mum friends at prenatal yoga classes. It's all begun. And we're so excited about it. This is the real kicker. Social conditioning is so effective that we are excited about taking on this mental load. I mean, it's really no wonder that once the baby actually does arrive, we are then the ones that just naturally do the main caring role. And especially if we're breastfeeding, it is all on us initially because it's crazy and I'm all for supporting mothers to do whatever works for them. Okay? In my personal experience, breastfeeding success was actually hugely affected by the baby.

Some babies take to it and some don't. And in the long run when you walk down the street, you don't look at people and think, oh, he was breastfed, wasn't he? Oh, look at her, she's wearing glasses and the mum must have given her a bottle. That's definitely formula. It's ridiculous, isn't it? It's ridiculous. You can't tell that one had a dummy, that one didn't. I mean, it's just nonsense. But it's so big a deal when you're in the situation and the pressure from outside on the choices that you make, and the truth is, it doesn't matter which choice you make, you're going to come up with resistance and opinions and all of these things for and against whatever choice you choose. And it's just the information itself is what's overwhelming and we're looking at everything because we want to get it right.

This is important to us. So we naturally seek out the information and we seek out opinions and we seek out other people's experience and then we take it all on board and then we feel bad about whatever choice we make, which is crazy. So the pressure is put on us and a lot of it ultimately the decision, it should be personal choice, that should matter, okay? We should do what works for us. If it works great for you, do it. But if it becomes stressful, if it's not making you feel happy, then it's not a good thing. So you need to forget about that, go, I'm not going to breastfeed, it's not working for me or I'm going to do things this way. I don't want the co sleep, I want to do this or I'm going to do this routine. It has to work for you and that's actually all that matters because a happy baby is what's important and the best way to make a happy baby is to have a happy mother.

So how can we reduce this mental load? Well, it comes down to trust. You can't do it all yourself. So you're going to have to trust those people around you, the people you love, the people that love you, the people that are on this journey with you, your partner, your family members, your friends. You have been building and creating a life with these people. These are your support people. So you're going to have to now trust them that they are able to help you, to help you take on some of this mental load, they might mess up. There might be a lot of questions and information you need to share. It's not going to work straight away.

It's not going to be perfect. But you're going to start because holding on to this entire mental load for yourself is all too much. So I want you to put your hand on your heart and say this mantra to yourself. You can edit it to fill in whichever person you're thinking of in the situation you're asking for help in. Okay? For this example, I'm going to use partner because that's generally the easiest person to start with. It's the one that really should be taking on quite a lot of this load anyway. And they are just going to have to learn like you had to learn. So this is the mental load mantra that I want you to use.

And I'll put it in the notes as well for you. 

I trust myself. 
I trust my partner. 
I will allow them the chance to learn this information. 
I will allow them the chance to help me carry this. 
I do not need to carry this alone. 
We can share it. 

Okay, so now you're ready to start sharing. I want you to remember something. Something really important.

This is a process. They might not do things correctly to start with. It may take them longer. It's not going to be perfect, and that's okay. You have the experience and you're the best, but you can't do it all. And they will get better. So you're going to have to lower your standards a little bit, lower your expectations. Things might not run as smoothly, but it will be okay.

When you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or feeling like you just want to do it yourself, breathe and say the mantle to yourself or distract yourself with an activity, you need to accept that change is hard, but it's worth it. Now I'm hopeful that your partner or your family will be happy to start helping you. But they may be so used to you doing it all, maybe they aren't even aware of how much you're actually doing. So you need to be clear. You need to be honest with your partner about how you want them to help. Discuss it with them. Have a chat. It doesn't have to be you just instantly demanding it.

Sit down together, maybe share a bottle of wine and tell him how you're feeling, that it is too much, and talk to each other. Discuss it. Divide up the household tasks and chores. If there are ones that each of you prefer doing. Don't listen to any nonsense things like, oh, but I'm at work all week. What you're doing is work too, okay? It's just unpaid, it's still just as valid and in some cases it's harder because you're doing it tired, okay. And you're doing it on your own and it's stressful. So I know he's working, but that is not a valid reason not to help you.

The other one you might hear is the kids only want you. Well, yes, that's because they've only had you. That's all they know. They will adapt, they will be fine with this. And it's good for him to bond with them and to create that special bond that you have because that's a nice thing for him too. And for other family members that you ask, they get to have this bond too. By helping and being more involved, they get to have a special bond with your children as well. Also, don't accept partial help with tasks.

If they're going to help you with it, then they need to do the complete task from start to finish. Otherwise it's just going to create more stress for you. So, for example, if they're going to take on the dishwasher, that means they've got to load the dishwasher, they've got to start the cycle, they've got to empty the dishwasher as well. Okay. They've also got to check for salt levels and rinse aid replenishment. And are there dishwasher capsules in the cupboard? Just turning it on at the end of the day is not taking that task off your plate. All right? If you are feeling any guilt coming up for you in sharing the task, thinking, I should be doing it all myself and he is out at work all day, it's really tired. When he comes home and you're feeling guilty, I want you to reframe it and let it go, okay? Your partner is doing the job that needs to be done. Yes, it's a household job. Maybe it's the garden, maybe it's with the car. Whatever it is, your partner is going to do that job because the job needs to be done. And if he doesn't do it, then it's another job that you have to do it's on you. And as we've already discussed, you can't do it all. Not without burning out, getting overwhelmed and being stressed out. And that doesn't make for a happy mum. As you practice and you get better at delegating tasks to your partner, you can then start to involve the children. You can get them to do age appropriate tasks and jobs.

You can reward them with pocket money if you need to. But setting this example for them and learning and teaching them how to do this, the knowledge that they need, the skills they need, you're going to set them up from a young age. They're going to be better adults, better parents down the line if they choose to be, and ultimately more responsible humans, which is what we all need to be, really. I really hope that the things that I've been talking about today maybe resonate with you. Maybe it's given you some ideas of what you can do to lessen your mental load. I'm really, really thankful that you've been here with me and for listening, and I hope that you have a lovely weekend and the rest of the week, and I'll be back again soon with the next episode.