The Balance Myth

In this episode, we are talking about the ongoing struggle many mothers face when trying to achieve the elusive concept of "balance" in their lives. With the chaos of motherhood constantly changing and unpredictable, I share my experiences and challenges this week, including noisy builders, sleepless nights, and juggling the demands of four young kids.

I want to dismantle the notion of perfect balance, highlighting how striving for an unattainable ideal only leads to feelings of failure and unworthiness. Instead,  we need to look inward, trust our instincts, and create our own rules and guidelines that work for our unique families.

This episode serves as a refreshing reminder that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood. It's about finding clarity, calmness, and ease in the chaos, and letting go of the pressure to conform to external expectations. By embracing the ever-changing nature of motherhood and staying present in the moment, mothers can find their own version of balance and create the life they want.

Tune in for an honest and empowering discussion that will resonate with mothers navigating the challenges of modern parenting.

Transcript

This week, I am talking about balance, and it's something that I think all of us mums really struggle with. This week in particular, I have found it very difficult to balance my personal time with the children, with everything that's been going on, we've had the builders back in for a bit. And so there was so much noise that I just couldn't find time to record the podcast this week. And I thought I would get it done maybe in the evenings because then the kids are in bed and it's quiet. But they didn't want to play ball. They were quite happy to mess around at bedtime.


So they weren't going to bed till late, then the baby was waking up. And I think I've probably had about 6 hours sleep total in the last 4 or 5 days, and I'm running on empty. And, you know, I'm feeling bad that I didn't get the podcast out to you on Friday like I wanted to, like you expected, like I always do. But this is what happens. This is life. And I like to record it every week so that it is what's happening in my world. It is what's relevant. And I think that that's nice thing for me to feel like I'm really connecting with you in terms of where I am now and what's happening.

And, you know, I am a mum. I do have 4 kids, 4 young kids, and they have got their own special needs. And so It is tough sometimes, and it's unpredictable. And I have to find ways to make it work. And this week, I didn't make it work on time, but my sister very kindly volunteered to come up today and watch the kids so I could have a few hours at her flat to have peace and quiet to record this for you. So that's why I'm here. That's what I'm doing now. And this week, I want to talk to you about this balance myth because I think it's something that we all aim for, this, you know, perfect balance in life.

And what is that? Okay? That The belief that if we just drink the green juices and we get our meals done and we have a bath, that that's enough to top up our energy and our self care tank, and then we can manage our lives and find the right balance, but that's just nonsense. Balance in terms of having it all doesn't exist in the way that you think it does or that we're led to believe. It's impossible to have it all and do it all and be it all. That's just a huge expectation that you're never gonna live up to. Striving and trying to achieve this is what makes us feel worse. More of a failure, more isolated, and more alone, and more unworthy, and that we're just not good enough because we can't get there. We just can't do it. It's not working for us.

And you're looking at the the world and you're seeing people's highlight reels. And thinking they have it together, but the truth is they don't. None of us have it together. We're all In our own little bubbles doing the best that we can. The perfect balance doesn't exist because no 2 days are the same, and No mother is the same and no child is the same. And what works on one day won't necessarily work on another. And the bedtime routine that you've been working on and that that maybe worked at 2 months won't be the same at 4 months or when the baby's 6 months or when he's a year old. The constant searching for the right way to do things so we can get things perfect and balanced is a myth.

And it's causing us to feel overwhelmed, burnt out, totally lost in the madness of motherhood. So what I want you to do is stop. Just stop. Stop this quest for information. Stop looking for answers and validation outside of yourself, and instead, look at what matters to you. Maybe you're happy to cosleep and this battle to get the child to sleep in their own room isn't even a real priority for you. Maybe you would rather delay nighttime toilet training for your 4 year old because you have a new baby, and dealing with bed wetting and changing wet sheets in the middle of the night is the last thing you need right now. Maybe, like me, you've got very fussy eaters and you would rather they were fed and then they sleep better.

And that means Plain boiled pasta with some grated cheese, maybe some boiled vegetables on the side rather than a proper home cooked rounded healthy meal that traditionally a good mom should make. You know, the ones I'm talking about, the cottage pies and this type of thing. My kids just won't eat it. I would eat it. It's tasty. I love that food. But my kids aren't gonna eat it, so it doesn't matter if I just keep putting it down in front of them. That's not gonna work.

And I'm gonna beat myself up and feel bad if I keep trying it. And that frustration is then around mealtimes. Whereas if I just give them what I know they're gonna eat and I try to make sure that they're getting the rainbow of colors, Then I know they're getting enough, and I know they're fed. And that's what actually is important to me. Don't get me started on screen time. 

So trying to follow rules that you haven't created is exhausting. It's really stressful, and it leaves you feeling really unsatisfied. You fail if you don't meet them, and then you fail even if you do meet them because they don't align with what you truly believe and agree with, and what works for you in your family.

There are a million different sleep experts and breastfeeding support and baby wearing, and baby weaning advisers. You know, They've all got their own method of getting your child to follow the rules. The mental energy of sifting through the information that's out there is overwhelming. And even going with a recommendation from a friend or a family member who swears this works or has their own unique experience, which, you know, it might not match what your situation or your current needs are. And so, you know, we've gotta take it back, don't we? We grew up trying to be good girls. And if we follow the rules, then things will be alright. And so that's what we do. We try to do it perfectly and the right way, and we follow all the rules, But it doesn't work.

Okay? It's a lie. We've been sold this lie. If you're just a good girl and you follow the rules, it'll all be fine. That is just not true. There is no right way or perfect way or set of rules that will give you this magic balance. All you can do is find the ways that work for you. And you don't aim for balance. You aim for clarity and calmness and ease.

You make your own rules about what works for you as a family and for you as a mother. Okay? Now this is new for you. Okay. Maybe you're new to being a mum. Maybe your kids are still quite young and you're figuring it out. But you are unique, and your kids are completely unique. And so you have to make your own rules for your family to find the way that works for you. That's when the balance will come.

When you aren't focusing on it, but focusing on what actually matters and is a priority for you. So if we look inwards, That's gonna help you find the calm and the ease and the clarity that will allow you to create your own rules. So you let go of that Being a good girl. You know? Let go of being a good girl. You are not a girl anymore. You're a woman, and you're a mother, and you can trust yourself to know what your needs and your family's needs are. You can trust yourself to prioritize and take care of your family's changing needs. No 2 days are the same.

So the rules and you know, they're more like guidelines. And they can bend, and they can flex, and they can adapt As they need to, when you need them to, that is how balance happens. It's not something that you can find. It's not something that's gonna be given to you when you follow these rules and you're told, I'll just do it like this and then I have balance. It's something that you create and that you do each day by being present and asking yourself, What does today require? What do I need to do today? What can wait? 

You know, I I don't expect you to find this change easy, this mindset Change Easy. You have spent your whole life living up to the expectations of being a good girl. There is a safety in following the rules and fitting in to what everyone else seems to be doing. We want to be doing the same things.

We want to be part of that. We want to feel like we're normal. We don't want to be doing our own thing. That goes against everything we've been doing our whole lives. But, honestly, there is a better way. This is a better way to do it your way. And if you start to pay attention to yourself and you make your own guidelines, you will create the life that you want and be the mother you want to be Instead of trying to live up to unrealistic expectations of a perfect mother that only sets you up to fail because that's not where what we're here for, Is it? We're here to live our lives. We're here to have our beautiful kids and our lovely families.

And we we want to be Present in that. And we want to create the life that works for us that we're dreaming of. So yeah. That's what I wanted to talk about today. It's a quick one because I have really, really been through it this week. And I want to be honest with you and let you know that that's just Mum life sometimes. Things have to slide. Things have to be adapted.

We have to be flexible. And that's how we do it. That's how we find balance. So I am really thankful that you've listened in to me. And I'm sorry it's Sunday, not Friday, but I will do my best to get another episode out to you this Friday. It is half term. I hope that you're gonna have a lovely week with your children over their half term holidays. We love Halloween in our house.So we'll definitely be watching some movies, and we'll be eating lots of sweets. And it'll be really, really nice. So I hope that you have a lovely week as well. And I'll be back again next week with another episode for you. Take care.