From Heartache to Hope: A Personal Tale of Recovery and New Beginnings

Ever find yourself in the throes of life-shattering events and wonder how you'll ever find the strength to move forward? Join me as I bare my soul about experiencing a miscarriage and the emotional storm that ensued. Alongside my wife, we navigated the treacherous waters of fear, sadness, and guilt. I'll take you through our journey as we coped, grew, and found resilience amidst the heartbreak.

Chapters

• 0:00 Dealing With Miscarriage and Moving Forward
• 9:14 Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Moving Forward
• 17:52 Hope After Pregnancy Loss
• 27:47 Parenthood, Gym Success, and Future Plans

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What is up everyone? It is I coach Austin from the Nerd out and workout podcast, coming to you from my office in a way, those rental offices in the apartment complex type of thing. But it's been a while. For those of you who are listening and are returning from my long hiatus, welcome back. And for those of you who are new, welcome to the nerd out workout podcast. Where we nerd out, workout and podcast we talk about anything resembling fandom, fitness, food and everything in between.

Speaker 1: 0:47

And I'm kind of in this crossroads with this podcast. This is episode 68. Today we're going to be talking about the dealing with the miscarriage and suffering, pregnancy loss and how we my wife and I, bounced back from it and that's pretty much one of the biggest reasons I took the hiatus. And I'm kind of now in that this crossroads of taking time reflecting on what I want to really do with this thing, with this show. And it's been fairly. It's been fairly consistent, it's been growing pretty consistently when we were consistently producing episodes and I can and it obviously kind of dropped off when I you know, we took a long hiatus and you know I kind of listened back to all of our other episodes and we were kind of talking about a lot of stuff and you know, there there's things I want to talk about now, going into, you know, this chapter of my life. You know I'm all about working out and all that and fandom, but there's also other things I want to talk about travel I want to talk about talking about potential fatherhood and and all that stuff, uh, because, uh, that that's where I am in my life. So, for those of you who've been consistently tuning in, I thank you, thank you for this. This has been.

Speaker 1: 2:03

You know, I started this podcast about, you know, several years ago, you know, pre pandemic, not knowing what, what's going to happen with it, and we, we kind of grew a small audience and I know I feel bad because I took a long pause after we lost our, our first, our first, uh, unborn. But you know she was a. We found out she was the daughter, she was a, it was her Um, we named her Elani and we'll go, we'll go more into those details, um, but you know, after that, you know I took like a fat break and it's just been kind of discombobulated for the longest time. And and now, if you're listening and I'm trying to get this show back on track. One of my biggest goals now is to is to really blow this show up, really. So if you've been, you've been listening since day one. I thank you. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 2:52

There's going to be a lot of things that we're going to do, uh, but first and foremost, if you could just review this podcast, you know, if you could just show us some love on either Spotify, google podcasts, apple podcasts just just the reviews help kind of spread the word of it. I don't have no studio, like I don't have no damn setup. This is all audio only. I don't even have videos showing us to talk about this and the other. Maybe soon. Um, I'm going to, you know, if you were, for those of you know Kevin Kevin was my co-host for a while. I'm going to try to get him back, um, and he wants to come back. So we're going to figure out a good, consistent time schedule and we're going to.

Speaker 1: 3:28

We're going to figure out, moving forward, what type of podcast this is going to be. It's still going to be rooted in working out and strength and conditioning and and fandom. But I want to introduce something else I want to talk about more about, like, you know things that, uh, you know food, you know I want to talk about food, cause we love food and, uh, we talk about mental health a lot and and we're just trying to figure out something. I mean, I the idea I have and you could chime in, you could, you could, uh, excuse me you could, you could email back. I think we have an email contact, um, but you let me know, cause I'm thinking about calling it the dad bot squad. But I hear there's a lot of well, I've seen there's a lot of dad bot type podcasts.

Speaker 1: 4:10

So I was consulting with my wife and she was just like, just keep it, nerd out work. You guys have a good following, you guys have a good audience. You're growing. Just keep it. Just keep it, just make it a bigger brand. And I'm like, okay, maybe, so that's where that.

Speaker 1: 4:23

So, without further delay, I'm going to be talking about, I'm going to dive into what happened. I'm going to dive into Geez, was it May of 2022? Yeah, so I haven't made a new episode since then. I mean, we did actually record one episode about Comic Con, but I just wasn't in the right headspace to produce it and post it. I mean, kevin went out of his way to really help record it, but I just wasn't in the right mindset to do anything. I didn't want to do anything.

Speaker 1: 4:52

So, um, we were approaching 11 weeks pregnant and, um, and you know, this is our first pregnancy. Now I'm talking about this because, you know, I don't, I don't think a lot of, I don't think there's a lot of content out there from them, from the husband or the father point of view of going through a miscarriage. It's a lot of support from the women, which obviously, of course, yes, but there's not so much support or experience for men. Um, we were taught at a young age as, as a man, to fuck your feelings and just, just, you know, suck it in and suck it up and just deal with it, bury it under and just deal with it. Don't go, don't show weakness, but I'm like, fuck that. Now I'm going to talk about my experience, my pain and, hopefully, someone. If you're going through the same thing, yeah, I hope it helps you in one way, shape or form, but I know, in this point in time, it's whatever, right.

Speaker 1: 5:51

So we were 11 weeks pregnant, 11 and a half weeks pregnant, and we're doing a routine. Giselle is going to go in to do a routine. My wife. She was going to go do a routine checkup at Kaiser and I I wanted to be there for every appointment. I had football practice, I was coaching, and it was one of those things where Giselle was like you know, it's a routine, it's a routine checkup, you don't got to be there. And I was like, okay, all right. So so I, I went, I went and did football practice, I did my thing, and then what happened was, you know, after full-body practice, I got pizza because she wanted pizza, she's craving pizza.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Then, after full-body practice, I was trying to call her to kind of kind of confirm some things and you know she didn't answer and I was like, okay, that's probably busy. I got pizza, you know, and and I came home and she was in the bed crying and I could only deduce two things. One is maybe it's the hormones, maybe she's just crying cause she's crying, cause she's crying cause, you know, being pregnant is a lot, takes a toll on the body, the mind. So I was like, oh, maybe, maybe that.

Speaker 1: 7:13

The second one, which was very dark, was like don't tell me we lost her. Don't tell me we're lying, we didn't know what the sex of the baby. Don't tell me we lost the baby, cause at the time I kept calling the baby junior, you know, oh, junior, junior, cause we didn't know I thought it was gonna be a boy. And then she was crying and I was like what happened? And she goes, we lost them. We lost them Cause we just kept referring to the baby, to him, and I'm like, oh no. So you know, I hugged her and I said everything's gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay.

Speaker 1: 7:49

And you know, as a dude, that's what you're trying to do. All right, you're trying to comfort your wife, you're trying to comfort your partner, to make sure that you got it all handled. But deep down you're like what do I do now? What the fuck? And it was more so. I don't think it really hit me because I was just more on fix it mode, like okay, how do we, how do we fucking do what we do what we do? Right?

Speaker 1: 8:11

And I, you know, talking about what exactly happened. I don't wanna get too much into detail. But long story short, you know, they just, they just didn't find a heartbeat during that appointment. And I'm just gonna leave it at that, because I don't wanna talk about what Giselle went through personally, because that's for her and for her to decide how she wants to tell that. But we just found out, you know, there was no heartbeat and all that. So that was that and it sucked.

Speaker 1: 8:46

It sucked because you it's weird cause you never, you never, hell, you never met this quote, unquote baby. Like you never met this baby. Well, it's a baby, yeah, but the reason I use air quotes is cause it's just, you haven't really made contact with this person. Right, it's weird, but it hits you in such a hard way because you know I was gonna be your baby, that was, that was. It was growing.

Speaker 1: 9:14

You heard the heartbeat Cause I remember the first time I heard the heartbeat and it was real Yo, that's my kid. And when you hear that heartbeat, everything changes. And for those of you who are single, don't have kids yet, don't ever want kids, that's okay, it's all good. I mean, I'm not judging, but for those of you who don't, just don't know how that experience yet it's, it definitely is a game changer. It's not fully a game changer compared to when a baby arrives, like when you see the baby and you touch the baby and you hear the baby and you feel the baby and you smell the baby and all that. But when you hear the heartbeat, it definitely rocks your world, definitely like impacts you very hard.

Speaker 1: 9:53

So when that's taken away from you all of a sudden without warning, it's fucked up and you're not alone if you're a dude, if you have no way, no idea how to fix it. No one knows how to fix that shit. Like, how do we comfort our partner, who felt like they failed not only themselves but us and families also, cause now the family's involved, like their family, her family, our family, I mean we had this whole big announcement and Majiana knows we rented out our private room to announce our pregnancy to them. We didn't even pronounce it publicly, we just wanted to announce it to them and they were crying, they had tears and all that. So that's, and then we never.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Now Majiana is like a weird ass place to go, cause it's a horrible memory because you know that maybe passed away and I'm just saying don't, I know it sounds stupid, but don't beat yourself up too much, but it's like you don't know what knows what to do in this situation when they're confronted with it. They can watch all the fucking YouTube videos, they could read all the damn books, but you don't know how you're personally gonna react, you don't know how your partner's gonna react, you don't know how your family's gonna react. But we, we took it. We took it one day at a time and there was a lot more that goes into this story. But again, I don't want to go into too much specifics, but just know it was it was pretty fucking rough and once we dealt with the whole thing and we tried to press the reset button, it was hard because you know the due date was November. We found out later on it was a girl. So I was like, dude, my first kid was a girl and I was gonna call her Elani. Yeah, and you know, once, like tearing up, but, yeah, you, you, uh, once you find out, you know she was a girl and I was calling her junior this whole time and I still refer to her as junior.

Speaker 1: 12:07

Um, it hit hard and you know we were talking to. You know we, we, we just all night go do a couple's therapy because it helps Even more so now, like going through that, we had to go through therapy. We needed someone outside of family, like we needed someone to kind of help us through this and navigate, and it was hard, man, let me tell you there's no shame and if you, if you're a long time listener, you know you understand you get it um about me and my view of mental health. So you know, we, we went and, um, our therapist was like you should do something on the day of, you should do something on the day of the due date or the week of the due date, okay, so keep that in mind.

Speaker 1: 12:54

So we scheduled a Hawaii trip just to get away from it all during the due date of of a Lani, when she was supposed to come into this world. Now, we did already schedule like some type of baby moon before we found out, and we didn't want to waste it, but it was. It was a very bad idea. We thought we could muscle through it because we, we scheduled a Disneyland trip, guys, and okay, so, okay, so you're going to be like why? Why, we thought we could just get away with look, we're just going to go to Disneyland or California venture, we're just going to go and drink and then just, you know, forget about life or whatever, forget about things and just trying to have fun. Horrible, horrible thing to do.

Speaker 1: 13:36

I know those of you out there like, oh, austin, like, okay, first off, we're just you were we're just grasping at whatever we could. You know that's how we were coping, and so we went and that was like the worst decision ever, cause, yeah, there was a lot of family, there was a lot of kids, there was a lot of kids, there was a lot of babies and it was not. It was like the most horrible experience going to Disneyland that I've ever had in my life. And, you know, there was no lines. The weather was great. You know, it wasn't one of those. It was just everything reminded us of like shit, man, can we ever be, can we ever have a kid? Like it sucked.

Speaker 1: 14:17

I remember there was a point under the monorail, on one of the pillars, and we were just standing there and we saw, I think, a Filipino or an Asian family and they had a daughter and a son, probably around three or five years old each, each, and I just remember, you know just all looking at me and she just threw her arms over me and started hugging me and crying. Then I had to start to tear her cause it sucked, it sucked, and you know we went back and said never again, never will I go to Disneyland like that, like what the fuck were we thinking? So it takes time, you know, to get over something like this. And I'm not saying like it's easy to get over it. Oh, just like you know, just muscle it out and power through it. No, you know, if someone's going to have you, you guys, if you're going through something like this, you're going to have your own version of it, and it's okay, it is okay. It is okay Whatever you're doing, it is okay, it is okay to go through it together and you don't need to rush through it, you don't need to try to overcompensate.

Speaker 1: 15:39

I will admit personally, there are some, you know, coping mechanisms that I went through that I'm not too proud of and I'm just going to leave it at that. And everyone goes through something like that and you know, if you don't, then I think you're a liar. But you know, I mean, and it's, and that's very normal too, but it's too to recognize it right away and to try your best to to not repeat those behaviors or repeat. You know, and I don't I don't want to go into details about that stuff Everyone knows what their coping stuff is. Even if they don't know, they kind of get an idea of it. So once you, once you recognize that, once you kind of, once you kind of understand the why's of what you're doing, you know you really try to stick to just moving forward with your best foot forward and and being, you know, like being focused on what you need to do, moving forward.

Speaker 1: 16:45

And so, after about, I think, a few months, giselle and I started getting, you know, kind of back into a rhythm of things. Obviously, I wasn't man, I didn't want to do shit, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything. I Actually I mean speaking about coping mechanism mechanisms I took a job at meta to be the director of personal training Just because I just wanted to work. I just wanted to work more, even after, like while owning a gym. I just wanted to get, I guess, like have the gym run itself while I do something else too. And it was weird and I was also coaching football. It was so weird I was like trying to keep myself busy and I was lying to myself a lot because I was like I'm doing this because I, you know, I was applying for this job because I knew we needed extra money for, you know, for the kid and this and the other, even though the gym was actually doing pretty well. I just, I just, I just wanted to Just not be around the things. I was around when we were pregnant, you know. So I did that and I was pretty bad so.

Speaker 1: 17:52

But when November came around, the due date, we went to Hawaii and A little bit before then, you know, again we were trying to get back into a rhythm of things. So we found out, probably a few days before we flew to Hawaii, that we were pregnant again and it was like holy shit, holy shit, and we check, we check, we check, we check, double, triple, quadruple check, and we went with this time we went with one of our doctors, one of the client doctors, who was actually one of our clients, who helped Deliver a baby for one of our coaches, one of our head coaches. She was great too, and we asked her if she could accept us as one of her patients and she had a long waiting list and she's like dude hearing everything that we went through. I mean, she, dr Adrini, was it's like one of those, like White nights. She, she was an angel man, she, she is an angel, she, she helped us through a lot of stuff, even during the, the previous miscarriage, when you know, when our current doctor wasn't that helpful and so she helped us a lot, even when we weren't under her plan, she did what she could with what she could do, you know. And you know, when we found out we were pregnant again, I said we want to work with you and so we did, and she, she helped us a ton, she, you know, it was a nice change of scenery, it was a nice change of pace. I was like hiring a new head coach, right, I Want to say that. But it was great. Like, the experience was great. She totally took her time, she understood, understood what we went through and how she wanted to like help us.

Speaker 1: 19:42

But you know, long story short, we found out we're going to Hawaii. You know, we, we, we found we were pregnant and we stayed near Colena. We stayed in Kapolei, we, we stayed at one of the, I think the residents in and residents in in Kapolei, because I wanted to stay close to Colena, because I wanted that's where I like to go and you know I like to stay at a Lonnie. But you know I didn't want to pay the money prices. But so I went to, we stayed at a couple a and we went to a Lonnie and obviously I wanted to, that was, that was the name I wanted to name the daughter that we lost. I call her daughter. The girl that we lost was Lonnie, so it was.

Speaker 1: 20:22

I was crying, man, I was crying, sitting there, people were looking me weird, like sitting in the resort. It's like sir, do you need help? But you know, I remember my wife and I were looking at this as I said, I'm gonna take Junior junior. I call him junior junior if I default, we call him junior. I'm gonna take him here one time, eventually, and I look forward to that day. And we just started crying. You know, it was a lot, a lot of crying.

Speaker 1: 20:52

So, going back to what my therapist, our therapist, said, she said we need to make it a thing right, we need them to have a. She also said we needed to make like some type of ceremony for some type of closure. So we went down to one of the lagoons in Colena thing, the one right in front of a Lonnie. We had like a little flower and we put it off to the ocean To kind of symbolize, like us, you know, saying Goodbye to Lonnie and Hopefully she could look over this next child that we're gonna have and we found out Eventually that this new you know, then the second pregnancy, it was a boy.

Speaker 1: 21:32

So I definitely calling him junior and I called him junior, junior, right, because now, just now, it's very normal to feel like, are we forgetting about the first Unborn child? We? Are we moving past that baby? Are we forgetting about them? Just so, we're focusing on this one and Giselle couldn't get over herself with those very. It's a lot of guilt and it's very normal to go through that, very, very normal. And you know, and I said, for me it was more of like nah man, that because now she's watching over, she's watching over a little brother. And For those of you you like your religious or not, that's just how I like to see it and I'm not the most religious guy I'll be the first one to tell you I don't go down, I don't go every Sunday. You know what I mean. But I'll be the first to tell you that. You know, I just, I truly feel in some way shape reform. You know I'm Lonnie's out there watching over a little brother and anything. That was her job in the first place. I would like to believe that.

Speaker 1: 22:35

So the pregnancy itself was crazy. It was, I mean, it was crazy in a good way, because I'm, you know, we're going through it again and and this time we're like Super, hyper aware of everything, super, super freaking Sensitive, everything, making sure you know she don't eat certain things, making sure that she's good, that she's, you know, working out appropriately, not going too crazy with certain things. So we did that and, you know, fast forward, in July, late July Around, during Comic-Con weekend, we met. We met Junior or junior junior, and I'm telling you, as a father, the moment they pull that baby out, the moment they the baby enters the room, I'm just gonna keep it like that. Let's keep it like that, you know, because, dear God, if you ever in a delivery of dear God, so much blood, but if you, if you see, well, once you see your child arrive, you you instantly change.

Speaker 1: 23:47

It's weird, I don't know. Maybe it's the hormones, because you know, you see the baby, you hear the baby, it's oxytocin is coming out, like you know, trying to be more scientific about it, but no gen genuinely like all this Stuff that you did in the past, all the stupid shit, all the you know like just thinking as like a single male dumbass, like it just kind of goes out the window at that point Because now and I'm just speaking for myself I, you know everyone's different, I'm just speaking for myself now it's like, wow, this is a bigger, this is higher than me. I got a, I got a really focus up and stop doing the stupid shit like you're just doing random shit. Like I got it. I really got a focus, focus up and I Sort of got it's like you change into a different man, a better man, because now it's like I have someone 100% reliant on me.

Speaker 1: 24:45

You know the way my wife hang. My wife is a strong-ass woman. She could, she don't need me. She could, she could live her life without me. This is less likely at that all twisted, you know, but you know, like bringing a life into this world, and now it, now this life depends a hundred percent on me and my wife. It's like yo, I got a step. This uh, so Well, happy is day of my life, seeing junior, meeting junior, outside of being married to Giselle, getting married to Giselle.

Speaker 1: 25:16

You know, I'm I feel as a guy, I feel like I don't deserve any of this. I'm finding my own low version of imposter syndrome and I should actually do an episode about that, huh, but. But but I'm truly thankful for everything that has happened so far, because we started with the lowest of lows of what we went through, because, you know, after I mean I didn't even mention, like you know, just a lost her family dog, which really impacted her a lot, I think, and then her dad was going through some health stuff and it was just a lot of stuff. And then me personally, you know, like Right before junior was born, my uncle passed away. A really close uncle of mine passed away, and it was messed up and so, long story short, long story short. This was the light of the end of our very long, dark, gritty tunnel and I like how they call him like the rainbow baby. It's like the the rainbow, it's like a rainbow after a harsh storm, like Bitch, we went through fucking twister and the perfect storm and and San Andreas fall, earthquake and and an Armageddon at the same time. That's how we felt.

Speaker 1: 26:27

I'm sure there's people who've been through worse. I'm not saying that, I'm just saying Like it was really tough, it sucked, but you know, we were very fortunate to have our family always supporting us, always having our back, being there for us, our friends, always checking in, very fortunate, very lucky to have that. And Don't be too prideful to talk to people or ask for, ask that one individual for help, man. I mean there's. There's people that I met along this way, like at that new job that I also I left, I left Metta after a while because fuck that, but yeah, so I did that. But you know, there's people I met that truly helped me through this journey because they were like some wise. They were wise people who've been through a lot of stuff and they were teaching me and talking to me about just life in general and how the perspective should shift a little bit. And we're very fortunate to have Junior right now. And that's and as we speak, this is October of 2023, october 4th, wednesday, as the day of this recording. I don't know, I'll probably release it, probably later on this month, but that is where we're at right now.

Speaker 1: 27:47

I came to a place where now I just want to focus on certain things Our gym's actually doing. I haven't been in the gym running it for the last 90 days. My team's been fucking killing it and shout out to them they're the ones holding down the damn fort and they're fucking killing it For real. We had one of our best months ever. We're on track to having another best month ever. We're trying to hire two more coaches who are ready to go. That takes a while, but the light of the tunnel is an understatement.

Speaker 1: 28:22

I just feel like things are clicking in a way, and I don't want to jinx it. I mean, the Niners are for no as we speak, but speaking about Jesus. God damn it, austin. But it's weird because now, when you get to this point, I feel like what is the bad thing that's going to happen now, because that's also a very normal feeling, but that's our experience with suffering or pregnancy loss and currently trying to bounce back. Because now it's like man, we're going through parenthood and that's a new. Dealing with a newborn junior is about oh, he's almost 12 weeks now. This guy's starting to like you know, what's crazy is that he's starting to look at me, like keep an eye contact. He's like responding to me, trying to communicate with me. That's crazy. So obviously, sleep shit. But my happiness is through the fucking roof.

Speaker 1: 29:24

You get to the point where you just don't, you give, and I can understand this now, especially all dads, I could appreciate and understand. I can understand also very well why my dad was always pissed off when I was hit by a salad. Because your patience runs very low now with a lot of things. Because you got all this pressure and you won't tell about. I get it now, I get it. There's pressure now as a dad. You have pressure as a dad that you won't even. You're not going to tell everyone about your pressure and you're not going to show it that it's facing you. But God damn it, it's there. And if there's something that shouldn't be of an inconvenience because of someone's stupidity, you're going to call that shit out pretty fast and it really depends on the degree of how nice you want to be.

Speaker 1: 30:08

But yeah, I have very little patience for a lot of things. Now, I'm not an asshole about it, I'm not a dig. But there are certain things where like, nope, not doing that, nope, I'm not doing that, I'm going to do this, this, and that this is what I'm going to do and this is what I'm going to focus on. And one of them is, you know, for me is I'm going to take a step back from training a lot of one-on-one clients. I'm going to do a lot of the marketing and then the creative side of building the brand, of what is hyper, because I touched what I love, you know, and it's my baby, it's my job. I mean the coaches are doing a great job training our people.

Speaker 1: 30:43

It's a great situation to be in and I want to have more time spending with my kid. You know I want to have more time, you know, taking him to the park, just having fun times in the middle of the day. Dude, I'm already planning our first like Disney trip going back, but only visa VH. I don't really I'm not a big fan of. I'm going to get a lot of hate.

Speaker 1: 31:07

I'm not a big fan of taking fucking babies to Disneyland. I'm sorry, they don't understand it, they won't get it and you're just putting yourself through torture. Now, you know, that's just me. To me, what's the perfect age to take your kid to? I'm waiting till five, when they're, when they know what's going on, their motor skills are mostly developed in a way where they can, you know, walk around. They're not at a toddler where they're just crying, even if they get their way. Like I'm waiting, where you know I can take my kid there and he'd be like, yo, dad, that's Mickey. And I'm like, yeah, you want to go take a picture of like, yeah, I can't go, so that's just my opinion. All right, you don't. Don't, don't hate on me If you, you like taking your baby to Disneyland. More power to you are. You are a fuzzy, you are a, you are an angel, because your patience must be immaculate, but, yeah, so that's that is where we're at. For that, this is my first episode back. This is episode 68. And that was that was our experience suffering through a pregnancy loss and how we bounce back.

Speaker 1: 32:23

And if you listen this far, I appreciate you. If you're going through the same thing, I hope you see better days, and I know that may or may not mean much, but I truly do hope you see better days and just know they are, and they'll come in weird ways. Man, it'll come in weird ways. I was angry at the world for the longest time, angry at everything. I mean, I took a break from coaching football to take care of my newborn. I took, you know, because at that point, before then, I was just doing everything and I was just mad at everything and probably I probably yelled at people that shouldn't have been yelled at. You know, I admit that and I fucked up. But you know you're going to go through that shit, especially if you're going through a loss. So just know that. You know it's not, it's not who you are, it's just what you're going through. So you know, I'm not going to say like hang in there, because I hated that show of people. Like you know, it'll be fine. Just take it one day at a time. Fuck that I should be holding my baby right now, like that. That's how I was, especially when it came to the due date.

Speaker 1: 33:30

So what was it? But that that's our story. If you could find some type of hope in our story, then then it did its job, because there there is hope in one way shape or form. But it's not. It's gonna come in weird way, because I didn't even know if we're gonna have another kid. I didn't know if it was gonna be possible. I didn't know if we're gonna have to adopt. I didn't know if we're gonna do IVF. I didn't know any of that. I didn't know and I would have been totally fine with either of those ways.

Speaker 1: 33:58

Just Just. Just, you know, just so we can move forward and and and and be who we want to be. And you know all that and but it's you know, things will happen. So, though the last thing you want to do is give up, or just you know and give up, meaning like give up on yourself, like Fuck this, don't, don't do that. That's, that's bad, juju, there's hope. There's hope, even if the smallest hope, it's okay because you know, just a little glimmer could turn into, you know, a bright ass sky with five suns. Come just saying, man, but I, I hope this, I hope this helps. I mean, I'm going into this.

Speaker 1: 34:42

I'm going this is my first episode back, so I apologize, I'm already apologizing. Apologize for it's brevity, but, um, you know, I'm just trying to get back into the rhythm. But if you have any feedback for us, if you want us to Do more things or talk about more things, because what I'm trying, the direction I'm trying to take with this podcast now I'm really thinking about it's more of like you know, what I have is like the dad bought squad journey through fitness, fandom, football and fatherhood. There's a lot of f's in there. I will definitely try to condense it, but I am leaning towards keeping the nerd out workout Title and just going, just covering a lot of topics, because it's all about the passion of the topics Right, because people can talk about a lot of things, but just how passionate they are about it, that gets people interested in the stories they're telling.

Speaker 1: 35:30

Because I want to get more guests on here, I'm gonna get more. You know, I'm trying to get more consistent co-host, so there's more banter, and that's where I'm gonna. I'm gonna go with so and I'm trying to get this more of a video. Like We'll start officially doing Video, like have video with our podcast too, because that would be great, because right now I could just don't only do audio. I look like a mess. I'll talk about my, my actual new dad bod or I gained I literally gained like what 12 pounds already. Fuck, I get back at it. But thank you guys, don't forget to subscribe, follow our podcast. Please rate us for this podcast to get more known. There's gonna be one episode, one new episode every week. I'm gonna find out what days I want to release them. Probably every, probably every Wednesday we're gonna release a new episode. But thank you guys again for listening and we will see you later. Okay, bye.